Why men pull the disappear/reappear act?

Danean – you are NOT ALONE. Many of us have been “ghosted” — repeatedly…over and over…time and time again. And a lot of us (ME!) start wondering what could be SO WRONG with us that guys would keep doing this?? But I (like you) am a beautiful, wonderful woman with so much to offer the right guy. And I know most of the other women on this site are also beautiful, awesome women and we have ALL been treated the same way.

I can’t tell you WHY guys do this, or when (IF EVER!) you should allow someone back in your life that has done this to you and then tried to weasel their way back into your life. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone – not by a long shot!

you’re not alone! this has happened to me about 10 times this year (not exaggerating) haha it seems like unfortunately it’s the norm nowadays! it’s pretty ridiculous – it’s like you can’t believe anything they say because in a few days they could disappear. I’m at the point where I’m happy & just don’t care anymore. I think they don’t know what they want and/or use us for ego boosts – soon as they feel we are into them they move onto the next conquest. These guys are seriously immature & obviously weren’t planning on investing in us to begin with, so it’s of no loss to us but I totally know how you feel! Their minds are way different than ours

It has happened to me too and I think that a lot of them have intimacy issues. Now when I look back and see all the guys who pulled a slow fade on me, they are still single and moving on from conquest to conquest (according to them). So I realized that it has nothing to do with me, it is just that they are unable to deal with real intimacy. Also I read this somewhere. Whenever you date a new guy, take it as a new experience and in no way compare him to the previous one and you might be pleasantly surprised and don’t worry, we will all find ‘The One’ for us. Just a matter of time I guess.

Aww.. don’t feel bad about yourself over these guys and their lack of character.
This happened to me months ago and I question myself daily as to what was wrong with me. When a guy does this it’s not about you it’s a reflection on them.

Since then I have learned to be mindful of who is allowed in my life, I take my time getting to know someone, and I live my life in a way that if a man stays or goes I will be just fine.

Hi Ladies,
First and foremost, this is not a reflection of you and your character! This is a reflection of the men you have crossed paths with and their bad behavior. You are absolutely beautiful, amazing, loving, caring creatures and you continue to be all of this even when these creeps ghost themselves out of existence. Please don’t let their poor judgment cloud how you see yourself. Remember that in order to be ready to find love and be in a healthy relationship it starts with you loving yourself first. If you truly love who you are, you are not going to let any relationship define how you feel about yourself and you are going to walk away from these creeps knowing they never deserved a second with you. They were lucky you gave them a second thought to begin with.

Thanks to online dating (along with the club/bar single scene), we are now able to open our possibilities to meeting new people and potential suitors. The good news is that we have a bigger pool from which to choose from, right? We get to be more selective! The bad news is that we now have to subject ourselves to that many more creeps too, and they’ve upped their game because they now know there’s more competition so they have to learn to come on strong, say all the right things to make us fall for him and not some other guy. Then they get to become selective, because they’ve already grabbed your attention and you’ve already begun to write off other guys because you have your sights set on this one guy. He’s now in control. This is where you can make a choice. You can take control. You can decide whether or not this guy is worth your time and investment and make him work to earn your love and trust. The right guy will step up without hesitation. He will do whatever it takes to be with you because you are the one for him. You will know this because his actions will scream louder than his smooth talk. He will wine and dine you, he will court you, he will move mountains for you. And you will know without a doubt that this one guy, out of all the creeps you’ve crossed paths with, this guy is worth your time and attention. You see, these guys are already weeding themselves out of the picture. They are already showing you their true colors, they have ulterior motives, and they aren’t worth your time and efforts. They are freeing you up for finding the right guy when he comes along. Ever had the bad timing experience where you meet a fantastic guy filled with possibilities but you’re tied up in a relationship that ends up going nowhere? By declaring “next!” you are freeing yourself up for finding the right man for you.

I really don’t understand the games though but I guess we aren’t meant to understand lol. I know you shouldn’t compare one guy to the next, but it’s kind of hard not to if it’s happened time and time again. I’m worried about opening up to anyone else again and I know that I will end up pushing people away because of it, but I just can’t stand this feeling of being ghosted on time and time again. But at least I know I’m not alone in this situation…

Looking back over my dating life (I’m in my 50s now) I would say that I haven’t really experienced too much of this. Lack of commitment yes, and not being in contact because we were fighting, but never experienced the “everything was going great and then he ghosted” syndrome.

Why do so many other women have this problem and I don’t? Here are some possible reasons:

1) I don’t depend on men I’m dating to fill a void in my life. I like being alone, and I like to go out and be with friends. If there is a man in my life, that’s great, but if not, it makes no difference to me. Some of the happiest times in my life were as a single person.

2) When I’m in a relationship a man is not the centre of my universe. Sure, I have feelings for him (may even be crazy in love) but I don’t want to spend every minute of the day with him. Men who expect me to text or phone constantly are irritating, because I don’t always have time for that, especially when I’m working. Ditto for seeing him, I can’t be together all the time. There has to be a balance in life.

3) If a man wants to be with me, he’s going to have to work for it. He has to make an effort in terms of planning dates, being attentive, being romantic. He has to pursue me because I don’t chase after men. Even if he does all the right things, there’s no guarantee that he’s going to get what he wants unless I want it too.

4) If I develop feelings for a man (and vice versa) I expect him to make a commitment — first to exclusivity and then BF/GF, and eventually to living together. The right man is going to want to be committed to me. If he can’t manage that (I don’t care what the reason is) then I walk away — sooner rather than later. Sometimes they’ll come back later wanting to make a commitment but it might be too late if I’ve moved on. If a man “doesn’t want a relationship” he won’t be dating me. I’m not into FWB or hookups. He’s going to find that out on date #1. If that scares him away, good, that’s what I want! The right man is open to the possibility of a relationship.

5) If I’m dating a man and it isn’t serious (no commitment yet) then I’m open to dating other men. Not sleeping with them mind you, just dating! It’s important to keep your options open so you don’t start to think the guy you’re dating is the only guy in the world (one-man-itis).

There’s more, but I think you get the picture.

My question is why is it that we women tend to be attracted to those type of men. The men that are putting themselves out there and showing that they are clearly wanting us- I feel less attracted to 90% of the time…. Damn it!!!!

So, is it about wanting what is a challenge- it seems the really attractive men draw us in to boost their ego and they know it! Difference is, we (I) am really attractive too but I know I don’t play that game. Someone said that men accuse us women of playing games, HA! They taught us if that’s the case.

In the interest of fairness I do have something to say for men too. Let us say they want to date you…they ask you out and put time and energy into getting to know you…you are attractive, smart, clever and etc. So they date you to see if you are the “one”…but alas, at some point they realize no you are not who they are seeking. Hmmmm….what to do?

Do they tell you? That might cause drama…

Or do they just go poof and that will be that….

That is why Greenie makes great points…do not give your emotions early…spend your time sizing him up and figuring out who he is…..that takes time. When women jump in emotionally without the man jumping in (and a man can tell every time) then she risks heartbreak.

Slow your emotions way way down…let him emotionally lead and be waaaayyyyyyy ahead of you.

I wish I knew about this term before I got back in the dating scene.. I am 24 yrs old and after only having been in one previous relationship I had never heard about ghosting until I was ghosted just recently my self… It sure does hurt like hell.. I felt as though my heart had been ripped out of my chest even though we had only been dating and going out for seven weeks! As Myki explained above this guy was the one that initiated everything and made me fall in love with him before vanishing out of thin air! And Yes Greenie you are right in saying that after only dating in the initial stages it is not a relationship however if the guy initiates everything and makes you fall for him in the early stages as my guy did and told me he is happy to have me in his life etc before vanishing then of course an explanation is needed. It is plain and simply wrong to do this to a fellow human being ! Unless you have been ghosted before then you do not know how it feels! I would not wish this upon my worst enemy! It has definitely forced me to be more cautious during the initial stages of getting to know somebody and really it has made me believe in the actions speak louder than words. I have learnt that a man needs to show through his actions if he does really care about you and that words can mean absolutely nothing. I do believe that majority of these men actually mean what they say in the beginning and are actually into you however in saying that it is just as easy for these men to move onto the next woman. I felt as though he made me fall in love with him and as soon as he knew I was, he disappeared and stopped all contact. Whilst it has been an incredibly painful experience with heartache comes wisdom and I have learnt a lot. I am not going to let this negative experience put me off, I am just going to be more cautious and wiser. If I feel this bad after only knowing someone for seven weeks then I can only imagine the pain of having known someone for a longer period of time and having this happen to you! Time heals everything and we will get through this even when we don’t believe we will as i have been feeling of late but day by day I am feeling better. Ladies please don’t feel alone with this, there are so many of us experiencing the same thing! Seek therapy if needed and don’t let yourself go through this alone… I have also found researching the term ghosting very helpful in my healing process. Don’t let a bad experience put you off from getting back out there! I never could imagine that what felt like at the time the best seven weeks of my life could turn out so painful however I do feel sorry for these people who do this as they obviously are highly insecure and have a lot of issues!

This has happened to me before, I met a guy on Facebook back in Fall of 2014 we would message back and forth he would always hit me up, we finally met and had a really nice first date but the thing that I or other people couldn’t get was he spent so much time with his best friend which was a girl and he claimed they were just really close friends, we weren’t dating but I was hoping that it was gonna eventually lead up to that so I left it alone for now since we weren’t serious. We kissed and fooled around we hung out the 3rd time and he just acted different more distant with me I couldn’t figure it out after I went home I would hardly ever hear from him anymore he stood me up 4 times and kept making excuses he wasn’t texting me back anymore I wasn’t hearing from him anymore he was ignoring me he went from acting so sweet and into me to just disappearing he finally hit me up and admitted that he didn’t see us going anywhere and that he only saw us as a temporary thing and that I needed better. My heart broke I felt like it was my fault that maybe it was something I said or did that made him change his mind. He was practically impossible to reach anymore I was going crazy and obsessing over it, the more he ignored me the more I wanted him to talk to me. Finally found out that he was a junkie, a heroin addict and so was his girl best friend through other people I wanted to help him but he wouldn’t let me in so I finally left him alone, and the whole 5 months I left him alone I couldn’t stop thinking about him I finally saw him again at a friends funeral and he hugged me but avoided me the rest of the time like he was intimidated to come near me, I hit him up on Facebook afterwards and told him I wasn’t mad and still cared, my mistake…he messaged back and lead me on again acting like he still cared I got caught up again and asked him if he wanted to just ever hang out and he ignored me so after that I told myself that I was done and tired of his b.s. and started going out again and talk to other guys, so I did and I got into a relationship about a month later I fell in love and realized how dumb I was before for making excuses for the kid for being a jerk to me. 3 months later he hit me up responding to my message saying that he wanted to hang out and made more excuses to why he hasn’t gotten back to me and still cared for me, I was nice to him but I told him I was over it and didn’t want him anymore. He then hit me up 8 months later trying again and I told him still that I was over it. They disappear and reappear again bc we let them, they disappear when they get bored and reappear to test the waters with you to see if you still want them, total ego boost for them its all it is they don’t want you they just like to know they are wanted even if it’s with people that they don’t want. We all go through it.

I really dont understand whats the big deal here, the Guy didnt force you to feel what you feel for him, that is on you and on your control. If he disaperaed , then let him, that alone shows you his true cowardly colors. You are better off without him. Never want a guy who doesnt want you. Want yourself and respect yourself more. If they show up after that, If you really wanna give them another chance, and only after a fue apologie, Tell them right now you r not free, and so you ll hit them up, If and when you are, and so they ll just have to wait. That puts you back into the drivers seat, but still, dont expect much to come out of it! A serious Guy, is a serious Guy. We only make it complicated in our Minds.