I wanted to ask for your take on guys who play games in relationships, like the texting game, for instance. I thought people stopped that after college, but recently found out I was wrong.

I hate the whole game of one person sending a text and the other waiting two hours before responding, even if they have their phone and aren’t busy, just so they don’t seem desperate. I really don’t like playing games but this guy I’m involved with is being very confusing and I can’t tell if it’s just a game or not.

Is there a way to break the texting game or is that who that person is by nature and there’s nothing that can be done? How can I beat the texting game?

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Boston University. 2009. Fall. I am a senior and have about four credits worth of actual classes and 26 credits of drinking and partying. But then the worst thing possible occurs: I fall in love.

And I mean IN LOVE! Can’t eat, walk differently, wanna start volunteering in love. She was quite perfect in my eyes and she thought very highly of me as well. It was a relationship based on giving to each other as much as possible, and it doesn’t get much better than that.

The relationship was amazing and intense, but also very new. After a month of bliss I wanted to tell her I loved her. And that brings us to the night when I lost my mind, and nearly my college sweetheart…

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When blinded by our infatuation (which can last anywhere on average from three months to two years), it’s impossible to look at our relationship objectively. We might dwell on their positive attributes at all times and make excuses for them when they behave badly.

We desperately want it to work out and cling to any glimmer of hope that things are heading in the right direction. When something looks like a bad sign, we might ignore it and place even more weight and significance on the good things.

Having an optimistic approach to dating isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It only becomes problematic when we can no longer see a situation for what it truly is and recognize when it’s time to walk away.

To help us get this clarity, here are five ways to know it’s time to move on:

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I know you talk a lot about how men love a happy woman, but I’m having a really hard time being happy with my relationship as is. I always feel like I need to figure out why my boyfriend is acting a certain way, and I can’t help but worry that he’ll leave me for someone else.

I also get really frustrated when he doesn’t do things I ask him to do, like basic chores and stuff. I don’t want to be needy or a nag, but things like that make me feel loved and cared for. I want to enjoy the relationship and bring happiness to it, but it’s hard for me to get there when I feel like he doesn’t care most of the time. I don’t want my relationship to be a constant struggle.

So my question is,  how can I fix my relationship and stop it from falling apart?
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In my article on why guys suddenly lose interest, I discussed how caring too much or stressing over your relationship can irreparably damage it. The article sparked an avalanche of e-mails and comments from women who were feeling panicked over the state of their relationship. Most understood the point I was making in the article, but rather than relaxing and just going with the flow, they wanted to know: “How can I fix it if I was stressing too much?” “What should I text him to fix the situation?” “Is it OK if I tell him XYZ?” “Is he gone forever?” “How can I get him back?” OK, full stop. This is exactly the problem Eric and I have been addressing at length, not only on the site, but also in the newsletter and on our Facebook accounts.

But I realized that identifying the problem is only half the battle. The next step is to get to the root of it and figure out how to solve it.

When you eliminate the care (or worry or stress or whatever you want to call it), you are free to really be in the relationship. You can see the other person for who he is and you can give yourself to him freely – no strategy, no game-playing, no manipulation. You won’t feel a need to control anything. You can just be and there is no greater feeling than that.

But how do we do it? How do we stop our minds from spinning into overdrive, sending out waves of unpleasant thoughts and alarm bells?

Read on to find out!

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It’s tempting to jump into relationships when we meet someone we believe is wonderful. But if it takes a few months to begin gauging someone’s character, and two to three years to truly know them, we are setting ourselves up for disaster if we commit too soon.

Here are nine essential questions to help guide us: [continue reading…]

If you feel like you’re pulling teeth with two thumbs and no anesthesia every time you try to get your guy to talk about his feelings, well, you wouldn’t be alone. Plenty of men find they can’t, because they’re cut off from their emotions. Society still tells guys, from the time they are very little, to deny their feelings or better yet, not have them at all. Unfortunately, women are simultaneously being primed by society to believe that men should fulfill them emotionally.

So little girl and little boy grow up, get married, and become frustrated with each other. Amiright?

Sigh. We’re here to help you recognize when your man is having a hard time getting in touch with his “feminine side” (see what a sexist world we live in?). Patti Henry, therapist and author of The Emotionally Unavailable Man, writes that there are various behaviors suggesting a man is emotionally shut down.

Here are 16 signs your guy is emotionally unavailable.

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Me and this guy started off as friends but thing quickly turned romantic between us. He was doing an exchange program at my university and after a few months moved back home, but we continued to stay in contact and visited each other several times. Over these last few months we don’t talk as frequently, but we do have occasional lengthy phone calls where we talk about everything.

I don’t know where I stand with him because we never discussed it, plus we are both not very expressive/overtly emotional people, and I never expected (and still don’t) a relationship to blossom from this, but I do have strong feelings for him and want to see him soon. We are both going to be in Vegas next month and he messaged me asking if I want to meet up. Maybe I’m just paranoid, but I feel like he just wants a guaranteed hookup.

I guess my question is, is it normal for an ex-fling whom you were once romantically and sexually involved with to always reach out and initiate long conversations? Is it just to be polite/friendly, does it mean he misses me and still has feelings for  or am I just his “fallback girl”?

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I have been dating a guy for six months, but we’re not official. I like him a lot and really enjoy spending time with him and I know he feels the same about me.  Since we both have busy work schedules and children, we do not see each other often, maybe every other week, and we’ve taken two trips together (including one last weekend). In between seeing each other i person, we text and e-mail sporadically. 

I’m just wondering if this relationship is heading in the right direction, and if it will lead to something lasting. I am also worried about coming across as needy and sometimes I hesitate to initiate texts with him. For instance, is it needy behavior to send the text: “Thank you for yesterday – I like when we see each other, it feels good”?

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Healthy self-esteem is a prerequisite for healthy relationships. From my personal experiences, and my years spent writing about relationships, I’ve learned that poor self-esteem is the number one cause of unhealthy relationships, as well as the top relationship killer.

Self-esteem isn’t an essential need like food or water, but it’s a supplement that can either dramatically improve your life, or keep you stunted and unfulfilled. The fact is, you can only let in as much love from the outside as you feel on the inside. If you don’t feel good about yourself, you will never truly believe that someone else can love you and you will constantly be on the lookout for the other shoe to drop, for the guy you care about to leave, thus validating the fact that you are unworthy of love.

Poor self-worth is what traps us in bad relationships, what sabotages new relationships, and what causes us to feel so devastated and broken when a relationship ends.

Self-esteem doesn’t come from blowing kisses to your reflection in the mirror or repeating “I love myself” over and over. It takes time and it takes work and it isn’t always easy. Everyone’s path will be different, but no matter what, having a picture of what high self-esteem looks like, and how it can play out in relationships, is helpful and can help reveal the areas you may need to work on.

Having high self-esteem doesn’t guarantee a happy relationship, but it does equip you with the skills to identify what you want and realize you deserve to get it, and the strength to walk away if something falls short. Here are ten things people with high self-esteem do differently in their relationships:

Last week, I was witness to an event that has shocked and awed the few men that have had the great, great privilege of observing it. I saw the mind of a girl work as she received texts from her current love interest. It was incredible. I had been hypothesizing what it is that girls think we’re actually doing on the other end of that phone and finally someone pulled the curtain back and allowed me to meet Oz…Oz was a girl. Oz was very confused.

It began Friday night. I crashed at my cousin’s place for the night in Williamsburg and she and her roommate had gone out and done Williamsburg things like drank alcoholic beverages and told boys to go away. That is, until one boy approached the roommate (let’s call her Mel), and Mel did not ask the boy to leave.

Fast-forward through what I could only imagine was heavy bar flirting, them making several plans to hang out the next day, and eventually a semi-awkward goodbye of her telling him no, he can’t come home with her, and then it’s the morning after…and the texting began. And as a guest in the house of these rambunctious 20-something females, I had backstage passes to the show. [continue reading…]

I came home one day to a stack of books, tons of fruits and veggies, and a new Vitamix on my kitchen counter. My mother had decided to become fully immersed in this new “clean gut diet.” Now if you knew her like I do, you wouldn’t be surprised. She’s tried every diet under the sun, each time encouraging me to do them with her.

The diets are usually meant for fast weight loss and are either impossible to keep up with, or just involve some crazy concoction that doesn’t seem fit for consumption. After questioning–and a little mocking–I realized this diet sounded different. It wasn’t about about a quick fix, it was about a cleanse. And it wasn’t the kind of cleanse that comes in all the pretty bottles (and leaves you completely starving for the week) it was genuinely about cleaning out your body and getting your digestive system to work optimally.

My skepticism soon gave way to curiosity (and the chocolate flavored morning shake looked pretty tasty!) and I decided not to dismiss this one so quickly. I skimmed through the book, learned a lot about Doctor Alejandro Junger M.D., and realized this guy knows his stuff. He studied internal medicine at NYU, completed a fellowship in cardiology at Lenox Hill, and after he was done with all the medical training, he went to study Eastern Medicine in India. Feeling incredibly intrigued (and a bit smitten by this incredibly intelligent, green-eyed doctor) I embarked on a  journey to a spotless gut.

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When I was younger, I couldn’t wait to fall in love. I vividly remember getting frozen yogurt with a group of girl friends when we were in middle school and one of my friends saying, “Guys, how excited are you to fall in love?” The rest of us couldn’t help but giggle at the silliness of her statement…but we all felt an undeniable rush of excitement over the prospect, and nodded in agreement.

I didn’t fall in love until many years later, when I was a junior in college. I had some false alarms before that, but it’s only when you experience the real deal that you are able to recognize how far off the mark everything else was.

I loved him with all my heart, with every fiber of my being…and let me tell you, it was nothing like the movies. While he loved me very much, there were too many other variables that stood in our way and the relationship was always strained and on the brink of implosion. We had maybe a month of being drunk on love…and then almost a year of pain and problems. I didn’t understand, this isn’t how it’s supposed to be.  The challenges and differences aren’t supposed to matter…it’s supposed to all just work itself out and then you make promises of forever and you keep them and of course, a happily ever after is the expected and rightful reward for making it through the storm.

The last thing in the world I ever anticipated was for my one true love so abruptly fall out of love with me…and in love with someone else. It left me broken,  jaded, and utterly confused. Was it not really love? It sure felt like it, but true love is supposed to last forever, isn’t it?

I’d say just about every person on the planet  is seeking, or trying to maintain, lasting love. The problem is most of us have longstanding, firmly ingrained, highly unrealistic ideas of what love is supposed to be, and feel frustrated when reality falls short.

No one would deny that love is a beautiful, transformative experience, but at the same time, it’s important to have a realistic understanding of what it actually is. Here are the top five biggest misconceptions about love:

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While I am not a health or fitness expert, I am a woman who, like most women, cares about my weight and wants to look my best. I spent some time living overseas and came back with more than just experiences and souvenirs, I was horrified to discover that I had put on 15 pounds! I thought the weight would fly right off as soon as I was back on US soil but that was a bust. I started working out like a fiend, watching my diet…and still, I didn’t shed a pound. After six months of frustration I decided to stop going the traditional diet and exercise route and figure something else out. It took some trial and error but it was worth it. I lost 25 pounds in less than a year and I have kept it off for six months now.

Here is how I did it:

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When I meet a guy I like, all I can think about is when he will walk away/get tired of me/declare he doesn’t give a hoot about me. I also keep thinking: How soon before he sees I am not that great a catch?

But with the guys I totally don’t want, I am subconsciously aware this person would be in it for the long haul without me constantly having to prove my worth. Perhaps in those situations, I totally relax and give off a different vibe.

Basically, once I like a man, all I can think about is how much time do I have before everything shatters? A day, a week, a month? I immediately start waiting for the end. Maybe some part of me is tensed up the whole time waiting for him to leave. When I meet a guy I like,

How can I fix this? How can I change my vibe so the guys I like will like me back?

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There is so much misinformation out there on what it takes to be a great girlfriend. It’s not about cooking his favorite food or wearing sexy lingerie or mastering some crazy sexual trick (not saying these things don’t help, but they don’t get to the heart of the matter!). Understanding how men think and what they need in a relationship makes an enormous difference in the way you are able to relate to one another.

The top prerequisite for being in a great relationship is to be your best self. A trap that many people in relationships fall into is blaming their partner when problems arise. Rather than seeing what they can do to make things better, they blame him for not being what they want and think that if only he did XYZ, then everything would be fine.

It doesn’t work that way, though. You can’t ever make someone what you want them to be. All you can do is bring your best. When you do this, the other person will usually rise up and match you at this level.

Here are six ways to be the most amazing girlfriend ever:

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No matter how toxic (and pointless) it is to continue pining for an ex, most women have a near impossible time letting go and moving forward.

Let’s say you had a job where you felt perpetually stressed, anxious, and miserable. You put in all you could, even if it came at the expense of your ego and sometimes, your sanity. And let’s say you got fired from that job. Yes, being unemployed is scary so at first you’ll feel upset and worried, but you will also probably feel relieved.

You’ll realize it was for the best and will be thankful that you are now free to find a job that is better suited for you, one where you will feel valued and appreciated. You won’t spend sleepless nights pining for that old job, wondering what went wrong and what else you could have done. You’ll realize, with perfect clarity, that it wasn’t the right place for you.

Now let’s say you’re in a relationship where you feel perpetually stressed, anxious, worried, and miserable. You put everything you have into making it work, you give it your all, even at the expense of your dignity and emotional well-being. You put up a good fight, but it’s not enough and he breaks up with you. You were miserable with him, and now you’re even more miserable without him. You spend months, maybe even years, pining away.

Unfortunately, a relationship is hard to view through the same objective lens as a job. With relationships, it’s not just our emotions that get involved, it’s our egos, our past pain, our childhood traumas, our insecurities, our fears. Everything gets activated and when the bomb detonates, it can take months or years to clear the wreckage.

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The one type of question women seem to spend the most time trying to answer is: Does he like me? Is he really into me?  Where do I stand in his heart?

So what’s causing all the confusion? Sometimes it’s because a guy is sending mixed signals (which actually is a clear signal he doesn’t like you, he’s just somewhat interested), and other times it’s because your emotions and ego can get involved forcing you to lose your objectivity. That’s why we created this helpful quiz, to give you a non-biased answer based on facts, not feelings.

Take this super easy, super quick quiz to find out if this guy is really interested… or just stringing you along. Make sure to read each question carefully and think before you answer for the most accurate results.

The quiz will ask you 15 questions about your relationship. As long as you answer honestly, you will get startlingly (even shockingly) accurate results and will know for sure whether he likes you or not.

Note: In order to receive your quiz results, we collect your email at the end of the quiz. Just wanted to give you a heads up so you know what to expect. :)

The first ever question we received for our Ask a Guy column was: “Why do guys take so long to text back?” Clearly it was a hot topic. The article exploded and remains one of the most read and shared articles on the site.

What is it that’s causing so much confusion? For one thing, men and women approach texting (and communicating) in very different ways. Unlike women, men don’t view texting as some sort of barometer for the relationship. Women, not he other hand, tally up texts like they’re plucking petals off a daisy, looking for a way to quantify how he feels with something totally arbitrary.
The reasons guy don’t text back, or take a long time to text back, vary from one man to the next. However, it’s pretty easy to identify what the culprit is.

Take this super easy, super quick quiz to find out why your guy isn’t texting you back.  If you answer honestly, you will get shockingly accurate results and will know exactly what to do to fix the problem.

Note: In order to receive your quiz results, we collect your email at the end of the quiz. Just wanted to give you a heads up so you know what to expect. :)

He likes me, he likes me not…. now that is the real question.

Eric and I say over and over again that when a man likes you, it’s obvious. (That phrase was even the title of the first chapter of our book “10 Things every Woman Needs to Know About Men.”)

However, given the high volume of questions we receive from readers asking us to decipher whether a guy likes them or not (and the fact that “Does He Like Me?” is the most popular article on the site), it obviously isn’t so obvious to you when a guy likes you.

Even though I write about relationships for a living, I also used to get tripped up back when I was single and would catch myself spinning into analysis mode while trying to figure out how guys felt. You analyze the texts, you replay your interactions with him over and over in your mind, you cling tightly to the compliments and kisses…and are more quick to part with some of the red flags and bad signs.  When you add emotions (and a bit of ego) into the mix, it can be hard to see things clearly. Instead, you’re seeing the situation through a lens of wishful thinking and sometimes a bit of self-deception.

Trust me, I know how confusing and frustrating it can be at times but the fact remains that when a guy likes you, it is obvious … especially when you know what signs to look for.

Read on for exactly how to tell if a guy likes you:  [continue reading…]

It’s almost that time again, the one every woman holds so dear….swimsuit season!  Now don’t shudder, cringe, and berate yourself for not spending more time in the gym because, first of all, I can promise that your body is much better than you think it is, and secondly, a few minor adjustments to your diet can make a huge impact on the way you look and feel.

Kimberly Snyder is a nutritionist to Hollywood’s top celebrities and New York Times bestselling author of the books “The Beauty Detox Solution” and “The Beauty Detox Foods.” She is a wealth of knowledge when it comes to health, beauty and nutrition and whenever I have an issue (from feeling tired to battling bloat to dealing with breakouts) I go to her for the answer!

Read on for Kim’s amazing, and super easy, tips for getting your body bikini ready! [continue reading…]

After scanning the comments on A New Mode, I have noticed a very common topic in almost every discussion. Somehow we always manage to fit Facebook into all relationship/hookup/guy-meets-girl talks. I understand it. The image we portray to the world is now through statuses and pictures.  But how does that fit into our special, or not so special, someone?

I am happy to do my best to shed light on how to navigate the complicated world of The Facebook with the first ever ultimate Facebook rule book!

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It’s been one month since my boyfriend and I broke up.  The other day I learned that he put up an online dating profile- wth?!  I am still going through the phases of our breakup and I can’t even fathom the idea of meeting and talking to a new guy right now. It may seem the norm that guys will do this to avoid their feelings–get sex, boost ego–but it hurts.

Why do guys do this? Why do they seem to get over breakups so much faster than women?

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A few weeks ago, a friend of mine was asking for advice on how to be more flirty. Whenever anyone asks me a relationship question I can usually rattle off an informed answer, almost like a knee-jerk reaction,  but this one left me surprisingly stumped. I certainly know how to flirt, but I couldn’t really convey the tricks of the trade. I’m someone with a very naturally flirty personality, and when I meet a guy that I click with, my natural essence just gets enhanced. It never really occurred to me that some women aren’t the best flirts.

After she asked me this question, I started paying more attention to flirting behavior all around me. I also spoke to some guys about it to find out the kind of flirting behavior that really gets their attention.

My “research” also got me thinking of the importance of flirting in general when it comes to courtship. I think us gals overlook the fact that approaching a girl and asking her out  is pretty scary and nerve-wracking for most guys. Flirting is a way to convey a level of interest that let’s a guy know he won’t be shut down or humiliated if he asks you out or asks for your number.

Men and women are pretty different when it comes to how they approach relationships and interpret things in general. These fool-proof flirting tips are guaranteed to send the right message and not get lost in translation.

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Dear Male Gender,

I have been writing about relationships for several years now with the goal of helping women understand why you act the way you do. First, I want to say that I really do love your gender. I have learned a lot about myself through relationships with some of you. And without you, I wouldn’t have the amazing career that I do, so thanks!

At the same time,  I think you should know that some of your actions are really confusing the ladies of the world and causing a large amount of unnecessary pain.

A lot of my readers ask: “Why aren’t you giving all this advice to guys? They’re the ones who need it!” This letter is my response to that.

So let’s get right into it.

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When a relationship ends either both parties end up hating each other, they continue to care for one another but acknowledge it will never work and move in their own directions, or one continues to pine for the other. The last scenario is always the most difficult (at least, for the one pining) and can make an already painful process even more brutal. Sometimes, however, these cases do come to a happy conclusion and the other person also decides the relationship is worth fighting for. But how can you know if this is the way your story will unfold?

You can spend years waiting for your ex to change his mind and show up at your doorstep with a bouquet of roses and a rom-com worthy declaration of his undying love. And if that doesn’t happen (which it most likely won’t since Hollywood endings only exist in Hollywood movies), then you’ll have to deal with the pain of having wasted so much time and energy that would have been better served in other areas.

Sometimes hope is not lost and there is hope for a reconciliation. You have to be smart about it though, if you go too far out on a limb the branch will break leaving you badly hurt.

When emotions run high you aren’t always able to see clearly. This is why we’ve created this “Can I Get My Ex Back?” quiz, to give you quantifiable results that will let you know what your odds are.

Take this super easy, super quick quiz to find out if you’re ex is going to come back or if he’s done forever.

As long as you answer honestly, you will get startlingly (even shockingly) accurate results and will know for sure if he is willing to give the relationship another shot.

Note: In order to receive your quiz results, we collect your email at the end of the quiz. Just wanted to give you a heads up so you know what to expect. :)

Attention all girls/ladies/women/anyone with girly parts that’s ever been taken out by a guy with….guy parts: repeat after me – “Thank you.”

These two words, if not used on a date or shortly after, can and even should be a deal breaker for the guy who is taking you out.  It has been known since times of the ancient Egyptians (all historical references will be fictional) that a man’s job is to pay.  We get that.  Thousands of years of tradition, lectures from mom and dad, unsolicited dating advice from friends have been heard.  All of us normal members of the male species have read and checked the box for the terms of agreement.  Now it is your turn. [continue reading…]

I met a guy two weeks ago and we instantly hit it off. We talked on the phone and texted regularly and went out on a few amazing dates. Everything seemed to be going well but then he had to go out of the country for a business trip.

I didn’t expect to hear from him while he was away, but he’s been back for three days now and I haven’t heard a peep!

If he wasn’t interested why not just tell me instead of pulling a vanishing act? This isn’t the first time I dated a guy and things were going great and then he fell off the face of the earth and I can’t for the life of me figure out why. I am a confident, non-needy woman, I didn’t place any expectations or demands on this newest guy.

I just don’t understand, what happened, what changed? How could he go from being so interested in me to gone? And do you think it’s worth it for me to send him a friendly text to see how he responds?

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Women often enter into relationships with the best intentions. They just want to experience true love and they try to make that happen in any way they know how. No one intentionally seeks to sabotage their relationship (unless they want to get out of it!), and yet so many women shoot themselves in the foot by behaving in a way that isn’t true to who they really are.

The problem with relationships is that sometimes you can lose yourself in them, especially when you don’t know where you stand with a guy and let yourself get consumed with worries, fears, and doubts. In an attempt to free yourself from these unpleasant feelings, you may unknowingly act in a way that comes across as needy or insecure, the two greatest turn-offs for me.

Maybe you’re afraid of being hurt, or maybe you don’t have a lot of experience with relationships, or maybe you just don’t understand men and how they approach relationships. It’s not your fault. We’ve all been fed a lot of misinformation about love, relationships, and men and it has caused a lot of confusion.

So how do you know if you’re tripping over a self-imposed stumbling block? Take our super quick, super easy quiz and find out if you’re accidentally ruining your chances at finding and experiencing true love.

Note: In order to receive your quiz results, we collect your email at the end of the quiz. Just wanted to give you a heads up so you know what to expect. :)