“There’s a guy at work that I’ve been interested in for a while.  The problem is, he sends mixed signals and I can’t tell if he really is interested in me and flirting or if he’s just being friendly.

What do guys like in a girl?  What makes a guy want to date a girl versus not seeing her as “girlfriend material”?  What do men want in a woman that makes them see them as a catch?”

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I’m at a place in my life where I want to find true love – not another fling, not another dead end relationship, not another man who just wants something casual.

How do you find love?  I want real love, the kind of love that lasts with a man who loves me for who I really am and wants to be with me forever.  Where can I find love and how do I know when I really have it?

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I’ve been with my boyfriend for four months and he’s been acting more and more jealous.  At first, I found it sweet, but this weekend he snooped through my phone and accused me of talking to other men.

I can tell you with complete honesty that I haven’t talked to any other guys… the thought doesn’t even cross my mind.  I kept telling my boyfriend that I’m only interested in him, but he seems cold and withdrawn now. It’s like I’m being punished for a crime I didn’t commit.

Is this normal jealousy or is this something beyond? Can you tell me what to do when a guy is jealous?

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Toxic relationships are tricky things because they rarely start out toxic. They usually start out nice and fun and exciting, giving you just enough happy memories to hold onto when the toxicity starts to creep in. It usually starts out slowly, and before you know it, you are stuck in a toxic relationship that you can’t seem to leave even though you feel totally miserable.

In my last Ask a Guy article, I discussed the defining features and signs of a toxic relationship.

Please, before you begin reading this article, make sure that you have read and understood the previous article entirely.  In this article I want to go a little deeper into how to repair a toxic relationship, and how to know if it even can be repaired, or if it’s time to walk away.

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I was having a conversation with a woman last week and had embarked on one of my typical, now practiced monologues about why all guys are di*$& and all girls are crazy. She didn’t object to my ripping apart the male species, but she did jump on my words about the crazy factor inside all women.

She said, “What makes you think all women are crazy?”

I’ve been asked this question before in similar discussions, so I knew the drill. Normally I would bring up 10 or maybe 35 examples of crazy stuff that girls from my past had said or done, then end with the simultaneously cynical but hopeful conclusion that a man’s mission is just to find the LEAST crazy girl and marry her.

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I’ve been in my relationship for over 2 years. We started out great. He was attentive, sweet, caring and I felt on top of the world with him. However, looking back I can see that after 3 months, the relationship dynamic started to change and I started to change. He started to put me down, get cold emotionally or get really angry from time to time… It wasn’t over-the-top or out of the ordinary and I would just let it go since I just wanted the relationship to fall back into harmony.

Now, after 2 years into the relationship, I’m starting to question if I’m in a toxic relationship. I have felt for a long time that I have to walk on eggshells around him… I’m afraid to say or do the wrong thing around him because I never know what will trigger his anger or harsh criticism.

On the other hand, though, when things are good, they’re really good. Our sexual chemistry is amazing, I have never connected with a man the way I connect with him and when he’s happy with me I feel like I’m on top of the world. I still love him very much and despite the negative ways he acts sometimes, I believe he loves me very much too. He’s always been faithful to me, he pays all my bills and we live together now.

I feel so conflicted: Am I in a toxic relationship? Are toxic relationships repairable? Is what I’m experiencing normal in a relationship from time to time?

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Everyone in the world has an ex. At least, everyone in America in their mid-twenties does. Exes are a tricky topic of conversation, always. Some people have exes they hate, some have exes they still love, and some have exes that they have somehow managed to keep around as a friend without any complicated emotional ties, lingering doubts, and regrets from the past.

Let’s talk about those people, the ones who seem to have mastered an impossible form of coexistence with a former flame. They are exes with the benefit of being friends, so, “exes with frienefits”? Let’s go with that.

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I’d like to know specific things I can do to turn on a man.  I read your last article about the having the right mindset to seduce men, but I’d like to know what behaviors, tactics, and actions a woman can take to make a guy really turned on and hot to pursue me.

Can you talk about how to turn a guy on through specific actions?

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I’d like to know your rules for having a friends with benefits arrangement.  I’m not looking to be in a relationship right now, but I’m only human and I have needs.  I want something that’s dependable enough that I can take care of my needs without having to jump from guy to guy or pick some guy up at a bar or club.  Yes, I understand that this isn’t what women say they typically want, but I just got out of a long, difficult relationship and I don’t want to dive right back into commitment again.  

Can you tell me the best friends with benefits rules so I can make this happen without drama or complication?

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Dreaming is good.

In America, “dream big” is often the mantra of success. It’s not uncommon to hear actors, entrepreneurs, politicians, musicians, and athletes attribute their accomplishments to an undying commitment to never abandoning their dreams, no matter how bleak the path ahead may have appeared. In the words of Jim Carrey, “It is better to risk starving to death than surrender. If you give up on your dreams, what’s left?”

It is indeed inspiring to hear tales of perseverance: stories about people who held onto optimism and the hope that somehow, someday, the life they were living would match the life they could only imagine. That the wait would be over, and the finish line would make the whole journey—all the pain, the disappointment, the rejection—finally worth it.

But does dreaming big work well for your love life?

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I have been seeing this guy for a little while now, it’s a long-distance relationship and we aren’t exclusive. When we’re together, he seems super into me.  He talks about me to his friends, engages in PDA, and compliments me all the time. He initiates every conversation, checks up on me if I don’t reply, makes plans in advance, clears his schedule for me, etc., and I know for a fact that he isn’t seeing or hooking up with anyone else. 

He tells me he misses me and that distance sucks because we can’t be together, but adds that we should keep our options open in the meantime. I tried ending it, but he begged me not to (although he also said he would understand if that’s what I truly wanted). In the end, we both decided to keep the lines of communication open.

I can’t wrap my head around the fact that he says he genuinely likes me but still wants to play the field when I’m not around and doesn’t mind if another guy snatches me up. Is distance a legitimate reason not to commit, or is he just not that into me?

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After my ex-husband and I divorced, I dated a lot. You could say I was sowing my wild oats, or the twenties I didn’t have a chance to experience. I had missed out on figuring out who I was, but also figuring out what I wanted in a partner. So, suddenly single in my mid-thirties, I had a lot of learning to do. I had two boyfriends during those six years of healing, and a few quasi-relationships in between. That time was strewn with breakups – some of which stuck, and some which did not. There were a multitude of reasons why this happened.

So if you’re nursing your breakup wounds and contemplating getting back together with your ex, before you do, make sure you’re not doing it for any of these ten reasons:

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So your friend is dating this guy and you’re thinking he’s bad news. It’s the kind of situation where you can feel stuck: On the one hand, you love your friend and want her to be in a healthy relationship. On the other hand, you know that if you say something to her, she may not take it well and it may ruin your friendship. What’s a girl to do?

Every situation is different, but here are some points that may apply to your situation and can be helpful to explore as you figure out the next right step:

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Most people don’t realize that stress (and how you relate to your own emotions) is by far the biggest factor in whether your relationships succeed or fail.

Although it’s been said… many times…many ways…

You can’t find love in the world until you can find it within yourself…Your relationships with others are only as good as your relationship with yourself…We can only give love freely when there’s enough within ourselves to give away.

OK – we get it!

But what’s the opposite of love within ourselves, then?  What blocks this “love” within ourselves that would and should flow out into our relationships? I would call it “stress” in general, but here are some common expressions of it:

– fear, worry, insecurity, doubt
– anger, bitterness, cynicism, sarcasm
– jealousy, criticizing, insulting, hatred
– resentment, holding grudges
– feeling unloved, unappreciated, unnoticed

But rather than listing more expressions of stress and explaining how it blocks your potential for love, let me give you a couple of examples that illustrate why you can’t have love in your life when you’re stressed. I will also share ten personal secrets learned to live a stress free life and have better relationships with everyone.

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Just when you feel like you survived being single through the holiday season, Valentine’s Day shows up. Hearing peers and colleagues speak about their Valentine’s Day plans and being asked about your own can trigger all sorts of feelings. For some, it can feel like February 14th is Prom Night for grown-ups, and there you are without a date. Sure, you’re looking better now than you did back in your high school days of awkward braces and shoulder pads, but adolescence doesn’t have a monopoly on the experience of feeling inadequate and excluded.

In the movies the leading lady ends up with a prom date at the last minute (and somehow has the perfect dress and a gorgeous updo done in minutes, but I digress), but hoping for that fantasy to be your reality may set you up for disappointment. So here are some helpful tips for getting through Valentine’s Day…sans Ben & Jerry’s.

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alone: adjective \?-?l?n\: without anyone or anything else: not involving or including anyone or anything else: separate from other people or things

lone·ly: adjective \?l?n-l?\: sad from being apart from other people: causing sad feelings that come from being apart from other people: not visited by or traveled on by many people

The other day, I was standing in line at Starbucks (I know, I should really just make my own, it’s way cheaper) and I observed a phenomenon you’ve probably seen, too.

All of the tables were occupied by solo patrons sipping their drinks, staring at their laptops and phones, gently nodding to the music being transmitted through bulky headphones. I got my drink and did the necessary hula-hoop walk as I navigated through the sea of tables to find a place to sit. I passed each table, looking for one that seemed relatively welcoming for the silent blind date I was about to initiate, and ended up sitting down with a lovely chap who made room for me at “his” table for two, and we both did our own thing.

As I sat there working, I couldn’t help but notice that many of the patrons around me were engrossed in some type of social media. It was an ironic picture; a room full of people, no one talking to each other, all focused on creating community through a glass screen.  Seeing this picture of everyone looking down at their gadgets, smiling at a device that can’t smile back, it got me thinking about relationships and the nuances between being alone and being lonely.

As noted in the above definitions of “alone” and “lonely,” the difference does not solely rest in physical circumstances. In other words, it’s not about what is happening around you, it’s about what’s happening inside of you.

You can be standing in a room full of people—even people who really love and care about you—and still feel lonely. Conversely, you can be alone on a hike and feel absolutely amazing. [continue reading…]

Can you isolate the exact moment on a date or in a relationship when you know–perhaps on a subconscious level–that it’s not going to work out? That the guy is going to vanish into thin air, in a not-so-magical swirl of dust? I call it the moment of “imminent poof.”

The signs are always there for the taking. So why do we ignore them?  Does our desire to convey that we are “open” and easygoing, or to be in a relationship, blind us from listening to our gut?

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I’ve been having some issues in my relationship and I’m wondering what is the best way to go about resolving them, instead of making things worse and getting into the same fights over and over.

One issue I’m currently dealing with is my boyfriend has me blocked from some of his social network activity. I discovered it recently and haven’t said anything yet but it’s really bothering me. Should this be raising red flags or am I just overreacting? And what is the best way to bring it up without pushing him away?

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While every guy has his quirks and preferences, when it comes down to it we aren’t that complicated. When we’re in a relationship, what we really want is respect, appreciation, admiration, and love.

Problems persist in relationships because guys have different ways of expressing these desires than women do. So how can a girl ensure she’s giving her guy what he needs so he’ll stick around for the long term?

Here’s a list of ten actions every woman needs to take in order to make sure her beau stays crazy about her.

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I’m dating a guy that is really hard to understand. It’s like he’s determined to find reasons why things won’t work out, and yet I know he cares about me and doesn’t want to end it.

We are long distance right now so he has legitimate concerns, but what I want to know is this…when do you throw in the towel for a guy who is clearly putting up tons of walls and protecting himself from potential pain, and when do you keep putting up with somewhat ridiculous behavior knowing that once his walls are down, it could be a gold mine under all that fuss?

He’s been acting like a huge jerk lately and I really want to just tell him to get over himself, but I’ve seen very clearly how amazing and loving he is and truly think this is all just a form of protection “in case we don’t work out.”

I want to “crack his code,” but at what cost? Normally I wouldn’t ever put up with this kind of behavior, but something tells me to keep digging and to be patient. Am I wasting my time?

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Have any of you gotten to that place, where you’ve woken up one morning in your apartment alone, an empty space beside you where your former spouse used to be, and you realize, “I’m over it?”

Somehow — slowly and yet suddenly — the heavy cloud of mourning, the knots of anguish in your stomach are gone. You never thought they’d go away. In fact, you might have learned to live with that feeling, accepting it as an inevitable imprint of divorce trauma. You’ve stopped fighting it.

And that’s when it goes away.

There is no way to predict when it will happen. The aftermath of a divorce is composed of many painful stages, and each time you think you’ve graduated past one phase, you enter into another one. I suspect it is different for everyone. It is a function of who we are and how long we were married for, not to mention the nature of our relationship and the manner in which it fell apart.

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I dated a guy for two months and everything seemed perfect until he told me that his last relationship was three months ago. That relationship was a year long, so when he started seeing me they had only been broken up a month. Once that was out in the open he started distancing himself and I eventually broke it off because I was over the inconsistency.

I typically don’t like bringing up the past. I feel like the past should be left alone. But after my last experience I think it’s an important thing to know so that I don’t put myself at risk and end up the rebound girl.

So when you should ask a guy when his last relationship/serious dating/fling was? And how can you do it without it coming off in a negative way?

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I wanted to ask for your take on guys who play games in relationships, like the texting game, for instance. I thought people stopped that after college, but recently found out I was wrong.

I hate the whole game of one person sending a text and the other waiting two hours before responding, even if they have their phone and aren’t busy, just so they don’t seem desperate. I really don’t like playing games but this guy I’m involved with is being very confusing and I can’t tell if it’s just a game or not.

Is there a way to break the texting game or is that who that person is by nature and there’s nothing that can be done? How can I beat the texting game?

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Boston University. 2009. Fall. I am a senior and have about four credits worth of actual classes and 26 credits of drinking and partying. But then the worst thing possible occurs: I fall in love.

And I mean IN LOVE! Can’t eat, walk differently, wanna start volunteering in love. She was quite perfect in my eyes and she thought very highly of me as well. It was a relationship based on giving to each other as much as possible, and it doesn’t get much better than that.

The relationship was amazing and intense, but also very new. After a month of bliss I wanted to tell her I loved her. And that brings us to the night when I lost my mind, and nearly my college sweetheart…

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When blinded by our infatuation (which can last anywhere on average from three months to two years), it’s impossible to look at our relationship objectively. We might dwell on their positive attributes at all times and make excuses for them when they behave badly.

We desperately want it to work out and cling to any glimmer of hope that things are heading in the right direction. When something looks like a bad sign, we might ignore it and place even more weight and significance on the good things.

Having an optimistic approach to dating isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It only becomes problematic when we can no longer see a situation for what it truly is and recognize when it’s time to walk away.

To help us get this clarity, here are five ways to know it’s time to move on:

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I know you talk a lot about how men love a happy woman, but I’m having a really hard time being happy with my relationship as is. I always feel like I need to figure out why my boyfriend is acting a certain way, and I can’t help but worry that he’ll leave me for someone else.

I also get really frustrated when he doesn’t do things I ask him to do, like basic chores and stuff. I don’t want to be needy or a nag, but things like that make me feel loved and cared for. I want to enjoy the relationship and bring happiness to it, but it’s hard for me to get there when I feel like he doesn’t care most of the time. I don’t want my relationship to be a constant struggle.

So my question is,  how can I fix my relationship and stop it from falling apart?
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It’s tempting to jump into relationships when we meet someone we believe is wonderful. But if it takes a few months to begin gauging someone’s character, and two to three years to truly know them, we are setting ourselves up for disaster if we commit too soon.

Here are nine essential questions to help guide us: [continue reading…]

If you feel like you’re pulling teeth with two thumbs and no anesthesia every time you try to get your guy to talk about his feelings, well, you wouldn’t be alone. Plenty of men find they can’t, because they’re cut off from their emotions. Society still tells guys, from the time they are very little, to deny their feelings or better yet, not have them at all. Unfortunately, women are simultaneously being primed by society to believe that men should fulfill them emotionally.

So little girl and little boy grow up, get married, and become frustrated with each other. Amiright?

Sigh. We’re here to help you recognize when your man is having a hard time getting in touch with his “feminine side” (see what a sexist world we live in?). Patti Henry, therapist and author of The Emotionally Unavailable Man, writes that there are various behaviors suggesting a man is emotionally shut down.

Here are 16 signs your guy is emotionally unavailable.

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Me and this guy started off as friends but thing quickly turned romantic between us. He was doing an exchange program at my university and after a few months moved back home, but we continued to stay in contact and visited each other several times. Over these last few months we don’t talk as frequently, but we do have occasional lengthy phone calls where we talk about everything.

I don’t know where I stand with him because we never discussed it, plus we are both not very expressive/overtly emotional people, and I never expected (and still don’t) a relationship to blossom from this, but I do have strong feelings for him and want to see him soon. We are both going to be in Vegas next month and he messaged me asking if I want to meet up. Maybe I’m just paranoid, but I feel like he just wants a guaranteed hookup.

I guess my question is, is it normal for an ex-fling whom you were once romantically and sexually involved with to always reach out and initiate long conversations? Is it just to be polite/friendly, does it mean he misses me and still has feelings for  or am I just his “fallback girl”?

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