Every single girl will at some point find herself asking this question: is there no one out there for me or am I the problem?
Being single is not a curse (in fact, there are some very lovely perks to living the single life), but it isn’t exactly something people aspire to. There are times when we need to be single–and it’s very admirable when you can acknowledge that and ignore the pressure to settle down–and then there are times when you realize that you are ready to meet that special someone and settle down…you just don’t know how to make it happen. Maybe the guys you date are duds. Maybe guys pull the disappearing act on you over and over. Maybe your relationships always implode.
To solve a problem, you need to correctly identify it. Here are the top three (most likely) reasons you are still single:
Reason #1: You’re Too Needy.
There’s no faster way to repel a man than to need him. Wanting a man is not the same as needing one.
Neediness is a state of mind where you feel incomplete, or have an emotional void, and try to fill this empty space with a relationship or male validation. A lot of women mistake the male aversion to neediness as men being commitment-phobes. This isn’t true. A man will happily enter into a relationship with a woman who sees and appreciates him for exactly who he is. Conversely, a man will run far away from a woman who sees him as an opportunity to feel good about herself or fill some void.
A guy wants to feel chosen by a woman he had to earn. He doesn’t want to feel like he’s just filling a slot that could have easily gone to any other male with a pulse.
Solution: Neediness usually stems from a lack of self-esteem or sense of worth. You feel like something is missing within yourself or in your life and erroneously believe a relationship will be the cure. If you were unhappy before the relationship, you’ll be unhappy in it. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself about being single, work on your relationship with yourself. Work on feeling your best and looking your best. When you are the best you that you can be, you won’t be able to keep the men away!
Reason #2: You’re Too Picky
Most women are usually at one extreme or the other: desperate and willing to put up with anything, or too picky and unwilling to “settle” for anything less than her dream man.
In this day and age, we’re saturated with unrealistic love sagas and have developed an idea of what love should be and not of what love is. We’re told love conquers all but in truth, love alone does not make for a good, and healthy relationship (I mean, just about every divorced couple loved each other at some point). We want to be swept off our feet and taken over by this all-consuming feeling of euphoria and harmony. If we’re not feeling the intensity on the first date, we’ll write the guy off and say there was no “spark.”
Another problem is that most women have adopted this idea that it’s “better to be alone than settle.” As a result, they close themselves off to guys with amazing potential just because of some superficial flaw that rules him out as her dream guy. The longer you’re single, the worse this can get because you might start telling yourself, “Well I’ve waited this long to find the one, I am not compromising on anything and should get exactly what I want!”
Personally, I used to be completely hung up on height. If a guy was under 5’10, I didn’t wanna hear a thing about him. I was positive that I could never ever ever ever be attracted to a short guy. Ever!
Then, I met a guy who was–gasp–an inch shorter than me and was shocked to find myself extremely attracted to him. We started dating and after a while I didn’t even notice his height anymore! The relationship didn’t work out, but the reasons had nothing to do with his height. Sometimes what we consider to be our biggest “deal breakers” are actually no big deal.
It’s okay to have standards and to have an idea of the kind of guy you want to be with, but it’s also important to be a little flexible and realize that you might not get every single thing you want and that doesn’t mean you’re settling.
Maybe you don’t like his job, maybe you don’t like the way he dresses, maybe you think his hobbies are lame. This all might be true, but it’s important to realize that these things don’t tell you who he is, and who he is might be a really wonderful, kind, caring person.
Solution: Make a list of non-negotiable qualities a husband should have. This does not include things like how far back his hairline is or how much money he makes. Money won’t make for a happy marriage, neither will a full head of hair, a chiseled jaw, or six pack abs. Obviously you want to be attracted to your husband, but try not to get so caught up on the physical details.
Next, when you go out with a guy and don’t feel that all-consuming spark, don’t write him off. Unless there was something that absolutely repulsed you about him, give him another shot. A lot of women are way too quick to dismiss a guy before really giving him a fair shot. I know more stories than I can even count of women who went on a few meh dates with the man they eventually married. Who knows where they would have ended up had they not given the guys another shot.
MORE: The Most Important Relationship Advice You Will Ever Receive
Reason 3: You Have Faulty Filter System
A bad filter system sets you up for failure before your relationship has a chance to get off the ground, if you even get that far.
Everyone has a certain ingrained filter system. This system is partially due to genetic wiring, but it is largely shaped by our experiences. This filter system is often based on our interests, desires, and our fears. For instance, if you are afraid of rejection, all you’ll pick up on is being rejected. A hundred people can tell you how great and wonderful you are, but it won’t sink in. All that will stand out to you is the one person who didn’t seem to be interested in you.
Your reality is created in large part by your filter system. If you believe that the guys you want will never want you, you will find a justification for this fear even if it’s far from the case. Once you come to expect the behavior, you create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Whether consciously or not, you will start to behave in a way that turns men off (this can be very subtle and might not come across in anything you say or do), thus feeding into your original fear. If you are afraid your boyfriend will never commit in the way you want him to, you will ignore all signs of his commitment and will only focus on the signs that he doesn’t want to commit. Your fear will manifest as you clinging more tightly to the relationship or being on guard for its inevitable end, which will, in turn, cause the relationship to start collapsing. (I’m not talking about situations where a guy clearly won’t commit, like a guy not calling you his girlfriend after an extended period of time. I’m talking about more subtle signs).
MORE: Ask a Guy- How Do I Get Him to Commit?
We have an innate need to justify our thought patterns, even if these patterns don’t serve us in a positive way.
Want proof? Close your eyes and pick a color. Visualize the color in your mind, picture items that are that color, see yourself dressed in that color, think about the emotions that color evokes. Spend about 30 seconds to a minute doing this and then open your eyes, what’s the first thing you saw? I guarantee it will be that color unless you did this in an all white room. If we dwell on something, even for under a minute, our mind becomes programmed to pick it up.
We’re all wired to look at the world in subjective ways. Reality is not objective; it is shaped by both what happens to us and how we interpret the things that happen to us.
Solution: In order to have more success in love and relationships, you need to adjust your filter system so that you see the good all around you. You need to be able to appreciate and acknowledge the goodness that is in you and in your relationship. If you let your fears run the show, you will set yourself up for sabotage.
First, you need to weed out faulty thoughts patterns. Anytime a negative thought pops into your mind (I’ll never find a boyfriend..I’m gonna end up alone…Men always leave me), pluck it out and tell yourself the opposite. I am a big fan of keeping a gratitude journal. Every day jot down 1-2 things you’re grateful for (and pick different things every day). This will re-train your brain to focus on the good.
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Do any of these ring true for you? Tell us in comments!
– SABRINA ALEXIS
Written by Sabrina Alexis
