Ask a Guy: Am I Being Needy? post image

Ask a Guy: Am I Being Needy?

by Eric Charles

I’ve been talking to this guy for a couple months now. When we first started talking, he was always the one to text me first and ask me to hangout.

Lately though, I always have to text him first, and it takes him FOREVER to reply and sometimes he doesn’t even reply at all unless I text him more than once.  I also have been having to make all the effort to hangout and sometimes when we make plans to hangout, he’ll just bag out last minute.

I know this makes it sound like he doesn’t like me, but he keeps telling me that he does.  Also, when I do text him or when he texts me (very rare), he still calls me “babe” and stuff.

Am I being needy by texting him all the time?  Should I lay off and wait for him to make more effort?

The short answer is:  Yes, you are acting needy.

I first covered this topic in “Decoding Male Behavior: A Guy’s Take on Neediness,” where I talked in-depth about how acting needy at the very start of the relationship can drive men away screaming.

The article turned out to be one of the most popular dating/relationship advice posts I have written for the site to date.

However, based on some of the comments I feel like there is still confusion regarding when a woman is acting “needy” and when she’s not. So here is the guiding question when it comes to neediness: Did he break a specific promise he made to you about a specific event at a specific time?

I am not talking about a guy saying, “Oh yeah, I’ll text you back within an hour as long as I see it.”  That’s a generalized promise and probably a “promise” a guy would make only after a girl pressured him into saying it.

I’m talking about a specific promise:  “I will meet you here at such-and-such a time.”  That is a specific promise.

If a guy breaks a specific promise to you, then you have every right to be upset.  After all, he said he was going to do something and then he didn’t.

But if you’re getting all hung up because a guy isn’t acting in some particular way and it’s making you feel insecure, nervous, or worried, that is absolutely neediness.

And it’s incredibly annoying to guys… we can’t stand it.  There is nothing more annoying than trying to go about our lives and do everything we want to do, only to have to drop everything and respond to a text message because some girl we just started seeing needs attention and reassurance.

I realize that I sound a little harsh here, but it’s the truth and I feel like the most helpful thing I can do is be honest, even if that means being brazenly blunt.

In this situation, you’re allowing him to act that way by accepting it.  It’s unfortunate (and it applies to both men and women), but people will only put as much value on you as you put on yourself.  If you accept being treated like an option that can be discarded at the last minute, then that is how he (and other guys) will treat you. On the other hand, if you keep your life filled with options, you won’t be so hung up on what he does.  (I go into great detail about this in the article “Ask a Guy: The Less I Care, The More He Seems To.”)

Now in terms of him calling you “babe” and saying he likes you-  first off, whatever you’re doing to force him into reassuring you that he likes you… stop doing it.  Guys get tired really fast of having to reassure a girl that they actually like them.  Plus it makes us wonder what’s wrong with you if it’s so hard for you to believe we like you!

I actually had to break the habit of calling girls pet-names like “babe” or things similar to that.  I would say it as a habit and to show appreciation, but the women often misinterpreted it as me being really into them, like they were my one and only special someone (meanwhile I had handfuls of girls I was calling “babe” and whatnot.)

My point is, it doesn’t matter what pet-names he calls you or whether or not he says how much he likes you.  If you are smothering him with “needing” him to reassure you and text you back constantly, you will drive him away. The right move in this situation is to back off, keep your life filled with fun and exciting options and give him space to put in the effort and pursue you.  This isn’t being manipulative – guys actually like to pursue women (to a point) and we appreciate having the space to do so (and not being smothered).

If you do this, you’ll have much better luck, I’m sure of it.

Hope it helps.

– eric charles

Written by Eric Charles

I'm Eric Charles, the co-founder and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing articles to help people free themselves from suffering and have clarity in their love life. I have a degree in Psychology and I've dedicated the last 20 years of my life to learning everything I can about human psychology and sharing what gets people out of struggling with life and into having the life they really want. If you want to contact me, feel free to reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

Other Must-See Related Posts:

  1. Ask a Guy: Did I Redeem Myself After Acting Needy?

  2. Ask a Guy: How Do I Show Interest Without Looking Needy?

  3. Ask a Guy: How Can I Express What I Need Without Sounding Needy?

  4. Decoding Male Behavior: A Guy’s Take on Neediness

  5. Ask a Guy: When a Guy Doesn’t Text Back…

  6. Ask a Guy: The Less I Care, The More He Seems To

  7. Ask a Guy: Can I Turn Things Around After Acting Insecure and Needy?

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Amelia

Regarding “needing him to reassure you and text you back constantly, you will drive him away”, I think it depends on who is more needy instead of gender. I had a boyfriend who complained that I didn’t text back quick or often enough, which could make them pull back and text you less too. I had another who didn’t complain but just reduced the amount of text he gave me. On one side of the coin, this may seem like neediness. On the other, this might be a person who believes that he should only invest in equal amount of affection to avoid giving too much and then feeling exhausted, or to make the relationship balanced with equal giving and taking.

Or maybe it depends on what you text about, if it’s about reassuring, appreciating, or showing care towards him, like “you’re so busy lately it must be exhausting, are you eating on time and drink enough water?”, then it’s probably better than purely texting just for their attention or reassurance which may seem selfish or that you care more about yourself than him. I think that if we’re insecure or need assurance, instead of thinking of ways to check or test if he wants you, think of ways to make him want you (not in a way that changes your personality, but in a way that makes you a better lover/woman). However, the final motivation to think of ways to make him want us should be because we really want him, and not because we feel insecure or else we’ll become lazy in putting effort into the relationship once we feel secure or assured.

Main point, just saying that some guys might be waiting for you to offer more or need him more, perhaps due to insecurity from past relationship or perspective differences in terms of relationship commitments?

Reply March 27, 2020, 8:22 pm

PiscesChic

Love this site but need a male opinion ASAP! Male best friend and I have blurred the lines for years. His Gf is controlling and harsh with him. Yes I have met her, she is like this. He and I always found fun watching football, or working on projects at my house. We would text a lot and he would call me when on the road for work. He moved away and lives full time with her now so our chats have slimmed a lot. He’s expressed how u happy he is and when he was in town a year ago we hooked up. He has since told me he loves me and always has. But his actions don’t show it. Not that I expect him to treat me like his Gf, but I do want to see him more. He sexts with me a lot and says he will come see me but it never happens. We have at least 15 years of friendship and know eachother well. I keep asking when? When will u be here . I invite him over to watch football and say I’ll have his favorite beer. What am I doing wrong? I want my friend and fwb back …. or is he just not interested ??

Reply August 16, 2019, 8:53 pm

Christina

What if your guy promised you he would pay you an amount back by a specific date and time and then didn’t? Would being upset with him for this constitute neediness?

Reply April 19, 2017, 3:34 am

martin

I didn’t read the rest of the comments, I just wanted to say not all men go around calling women freands pet names like babe? Sounds like arrogant disrespectfu man,l a dick head frankly.

Reply July 13, 2016, 1:19 am

Mia.k

Hi! So i have been with a guy for 2 years now and i am his first girlfriend, we are in our twenties. I dont know if i am being needy or something so help me figure this out! I get really botherd beacouse my boyfriend makes a lot of last minute plans (go to the bar, soccer with mates, pokernight ect.) That dosent bother me, i want him to have fun and do things and i dont have to be included in everything, its good to have our own time! But the thing that bothers me is that he dosent text or like tell me that he is going to do that, i am the one that has to ask im what he has done and stuff, then he tells me. I get angry beacouse i know if i would suddenly decide to go to the bar last minute and dont tell him about it he would get that “uhm.. okei? Wtf” same annoyed feeling i get everytime he does that. I always text him and uppdate him and tell him my plans as soon as i know them. We have talked about it, like a nice uppdate if he is going to do something would be nice, just a headsup! Here is a example!–> he texted me “im going to the gym with “luka” call me when u get off work! Love you” and i reply. Then when i get off work i call him and he dosent awnser, he calls later and i asked him, where u playing cod or ? And he says “yeah i was playing, no playing football” and i was like “uhm… okei well i dident know” it would be nice to have like a headsup so i dont have to waste my time to call him when he is busy” so like am i being needy now or should i just atop caring that much? It just gets frustraiting time after time, and it dosent change…

Reply July 12, 2016, 3:03 pm

Naina

Love -this four letter word is d most confusing emotion in this world,so what exactly is love? Some say its a feelng that cannot be xplained while others say its a feelng where we always want to see our partners happiness nd wellbeing but does love always leads to happiness. Not all ppl get d happiness they deserve and more than often ive heard ppl tlk about heartbreak,pain nd suffering that is associated with love. Love and pain go hand in hand. Love has often been used as a decoy to fulfill one’s selfish interests by some who have perfected dis art of using love to fulfill their dirty motives and then again there are some ppl who give up everything just for the sake of love nd in return they are left behind empty handed with a broken heart full of pain and suffering bt then again its the most wonderful feeling one can have so we just can’t give up falling in love. Love according to me is trusting yourself completly with the other person and vice versa…. What according to you is the meaning of love ??

Reply July 10, 2016, 1:58 am

c

Telling the truth my arse, th I on a biased side of letting men do what they want! I’ve in a relationship for 3 years now and I have always been needy, I read this site often these needines articles have changed that, I never noticed it before until I read this and showed my boyfriend and ever since he thinks he can do what he wants when he wants and always chooses his friends over me now! He always texted back, did anything for me, stopped what ever he was doing for me and after showing him these articles he has completely changed and its all down to this saying that men need space and to do what they want! That is bs! If they like/love you then you would be the only thing they cared about!

Reply January 2, 2016, 9:25 pm

Ashley

I’m a cancer woman in love with an Aries man. What the zodiac says is totally true about our relationship.
We started hanging out when I was 18 and he was 19. Too young for love. He would always show up at my house unexpectedly and sleep in my bed. We never did anything sexually until after 6 months of hanging out. I gave it up to him on his birthday. We were at a party and I walked out to leave and another girl he had a thing with before me had him pinned up against a wall. I busted out laughing and said happy birthday to him. I was getting in my car and low and behold he was getting in the passenger seat. He said he was coming home with me. So I gave it up that night. We continued to hang out and sleep together for the next year. I ended up moving 4 hours away and we didn’t talk for about 8 months. I got into a serious relationship that lasted about 4 years. The whole time the Aries guy would text me every 3 months or so to see how I was and what I was up to. He was friends with my cousin and I ran into him when my cousin got married. That was earlier this year. He started texting me every month after we saw each other. Then in August he started texting me once a week. Well me and my boyfriend broke up in September and I texted the Aries guy and told him I was now single. He asked for me to come see him and so I did and we hooked up. Now it’s been a week and he hasn’t said anything to me. Should I be worried? I always pictured my life with him. I thought we would pick up later in life when we were more mature like when we were in our 30s. We are now
24 and 25. I still live 4 hours away from him and I’m not looking to get into a serious relationship with him right now. But I do want to remain friends and hook up. I have a great time with him and we have deep conversations and the sex is out of this world. I haven’t been with anyone else that I connect with like I do him. We have always had terrible communication skills and I can’t read him. What should I do?

Reply October 8, 2015, 12:47 pm

D

I completely agree. I stated very clearly that if I’m bothering him just tell me. Yes I know constant texting can get annoying but it really isn’t hard to just reply and tell the other person you aren’t in the speaking mood and you’ll get back to them later. Ignoring for long periods of time is rude if you know you’re texting other people.

Reply May 18, 2015, 5:19 pm

Jess

Thank you! It’s not that fracking hard to say I just need some space

Reply August 28, 2019, 6:28 pm

Laura

In this exact situation now it’s just a little common curtesy to just tell us so we don’t worry.
Especially as he has been online on WhatsApp and ignored messages I’ve sent now I’m not sure if he has blocked me because I’m trying hard not to send him anything else.

Reply October 15, 2019, 2:51 pm

D

I think it’s a bit too late for me. I’ve already been blocked from his iPhone and his new 2nd page on the site we actually met on. Likely because I kept trying to talk to him and guess it got on his nerves the amount of stuff I left him. I wish I could have been one of those girls who doesn’t blow someone up but some men need to understand it also isn’t cool to go silent for long periods of time. If you’re genuinely busy it’s a different story but if you can make time to change your skype photo and create a new account on the site we met a simple text would not have been hard. I still have him on skype and not sure if I’m blocked there too but I have not tried contacting him there because most likely he is set to invisible. Right now though….I’m wishing he never popped into my chat last year and that I never fell for him. I don’t even know how long I’ve been blocked from his phone (it’s actually the 2nd time he did that….the first I never knew about until I poked him on his first account on the site we met and he informed me that I was unblocked) I know it was mostly from too much communication attempts. But why tell me we’re gonna reconnect and you wanted both me and my boobs (he’s boob obsessed) if that wasn’t what he wanted? He could have been truthful that he lost interest and did not wish to speak any further. I’m very heartbroken and feel led on.

Reply May 18, 2015, 5:15 pm

gleng

Oh well my boyfriend love me being needy.he evn panic when i just don’t reply right away.lol.

Reply April 23, 2015, 6:26 pm

anonymous

I just go with my gut feeling. Its feels more authentic

Reply February 18, 2015, 3:20 pm

Esther B

This is very helpful!. I ask my boyfriend for us to spend the holidays together but he stayed at his home and he didn’t visit or call me for the holidays. So I txt him to say he’s acting strange and that he should find someone else! he reply he’s not looking.. was I needy

Reply January 5, 2015, 1:16 pm

Shantele

So I’ve been dating this man mind you he’s a truck driver and its been two months now. He usually text me every morning and night. But sometimes on his off days I wouldn’t hear from him or receive a text. So he finally stays with me and it was overnight for two nights he leaves his cell in the car…I guess. Then afterwards that following Thursday he gets paid promises to bring me some money and just doest call or text! Its been a week and I was starting to worry. He’s never done this! Yes it is eating me up because he has also said he loves me, we planned to move together, he proposed to me and we’ve been out together or meet up when he’s in town. I do remember one thing he told me when we first met was that he and his ex have a house together and they are in the process of fighting over it. He claims that he is trying to get his name off the house…well I don’t know what to think I just really believed that he was telling. Me the truth about things…now not hearing from him I feel so stupid!!!

Reply September 18, 2014, 4:33 pm

Annoymous

The thing is, this guy has shown so much interest in me right down to telling me that he had a dream about me and him going out and having a good time and that I kissed him.
He asked me to have lunch with him a while ago, I said yes, and the day we were suppose to do so, he had to cancel due to a family issue, he asked to reschedule the following week, I said sure.But then I couldn’t reschedule, didn’t try again, a few times he has brought it up and has asked me to let him know when a good time would be for him(this was only 3 weeks ago when he asked) And then when I text him about it, he completely ignores the text, yet when I send him a message about a good luck with his ice bucket challenge or something like that he responds.I sent him a text two nights ago and asked “Hey, what happened to that rain check?” and he never responded, but he’s been on facebook.I haven’t texted him back, but I have the urge to.I really want to know why he’s doing this.It hurts.:(

Reply September 3, 2014, 9:36 pm

Asker

Of course, I really haven’t flirted or took inititive like he has and I don’t know if my lack of flirting is maybe making him think I’m not interested, but I don’t do the things he does because I don’t want to seem needy.

He has held my hand, hugged me, kissed my hand, rubbed my cheek, told me I’m beautiful and special, and that he’s here for me.Constantly teasing me, and he asked if had a boyfriend, told no, broke up with my a while ago, he asked if I still talked to him.Then asked if I would date a guy that was 6-9 yrs older than I.(he’s 34, I’m 26) etc.He gets offended if I don’t let him help me with things, or if I don’t tell him what’s bothering me.I feel like if I text him again, I’ll definitely come off as needy.

Reply September 3, 2014, 9:41 pm

Tara

Eric, your advice is great. I really appreciate hearing from a guy’s perspective. I have fallen into the trap of both being/feeling needy and pinning too much of my happiness on whether or not a guy will respond to my text. I’m learning that I’m better than that and I’m trying to follow your advice of just ASSUMING and BELIEVING that a guy I’m dating likes me, because, well…why shouldn’t he? I’m awesome. haha :) So, my question about texting…is it considered “needy” if you text a guy just to tell them that you hope they have fun with xyz? For example, the guy I’ve been out with a couple times is going to a festival he’s really excited about this weekend, which he told me about on a date two days ago. We haven’t texted since then, since we just don’t text that much. I genuinely want to tell him to have fun—no hidden agenda—but I don’t want that to be misinterpreted as me being needy. Honestly, if he didn’t respond, I wouldn’t care. It doesn’t really necessitate a response. It seems perfectly fine, but I was curious what you thought. Thanks!

Reply August 22, 2014, 11:07 pm

SibWoman

It feels really weird reading the comments and see that people don’t understand or don’t believe in neediness. I will stand for Eric and share my own experience. Of course anyone is allowed to act needy or clingy or anyway they want the point is how it influence attraction level on the other side. Like during my marriage we both acted needy at different times and it affected attraction hugely. When I was needy he pulled away, felt pressured disrespected and got very angry on me. When I couldn’t care less he was extremely needy and I felt a rapid repelling from him don’t know why it just happened. I felt guilty for it but couldn’t do anything I just wasn’t into him that times. And it feels really weird when somebody says “call me more” it sounds like live me more. It’s not when you ate asked to DO something like take out the trash that’s different. You feel not enough , bad person , defensive. Because that person gets offended, blames you for not showing attention and reassurance and I start to think ” are you really think you are unlovable ? What should I love you then for?” And same for girlfriends. They get offended for not calling , for not saying for they want to hear I am really fed up with that total neediness. Why just not relax and person as is, his behavior as is. He doesn’t owe you anything. A girlfriend of mine which I met on FB recently after decade accused me for not writing her ENOUGH because ” I loved you so much how can you be so cruel”. Heck , I told you everything about my life , I have as much care and attention to your problems , just ask me what you want me contact to you about, initiate contact, bring the idea eventually. Really ridiculous. And short note about fulfillment. I am at the stage of life when I don’t have so much going on a kind of unfulfilled from the outside point of view, but I still want a relationship with a quality man. So I just learned to shift the focus when I feel this terrible fear of loss in my stomach, to something else. I’m reading a lot, dealing with child. Yes my life is boring but my mind is not and I am learning to handle my emotions. I’m tired of loosing great people just because of ” I want to be myself no matter what”.

Reply July 31, 2014, 6:49 pm

Vanessa

Hi
I’ve been chatting to this guy I met on a dating website. He says he wants the same things in a relationship. When I hinted at meeting up he said he wants to take things slow. But at the same time he is constantly asking me to swap more pictures with him.
Do u think I’m being needy or should it bring up meeting up again or do you think he is not interested?
Thanks

Reply July 24, 2014, 2:21 am

Tiffany

Hi Eric,
I have a question, now that I’ve been acting clingy with the guy I talk to online, I have a feeling he doesn’t want to talk that much anymore. How do I do to show him I’m still the cool girl he first started to talk to ?

Reply July 2, 2014, 3:13 am

W

I have that exact same question…reading this article I realize now I was probably coming off needy to a guy I have been talking to for a few months. I opened up about not feeling good enough in some areas and we seem to chat less lately unless I initiate it. I really like him and want him to see me as the independent woman he first started talking to if I give him space will he come back or is it to late I laid the needy seed?!

Reply August 21, 2014, 12:05 pm

Ashley

So, it’s not good to act needy, but it’s also not good to let him treat you like an option.. how do you not act needy, without him treating you like an option? I don’t get it.

Reply April 27, 2014, 6:12 pm

T

This is great advice, espeically coming from a guy, I always go to a good guy friend of my for a guy’s perspective when I’m confused or don’t know what to do in a situation with the guy I like.

I just want to say thank you for this website, ya’ll are great!

Reply February 26, 2014, 10:06 am

Ann

I don’t think she’s being needy. I have the exact same problem with my boyfriend. Why doesn’t he want to talk to her? Women like to talk. We like to talk to people who we like. And I assume when a guy likes a girl he at least wants to talk to her. You’re a complete asshole. We want to do more than bang a boyfriend. I expect you to listen to me whine about stuff and just to talk about random stuff. Cause that’s what friends do. And you should make double the effort because I’m your girlfriend.

Reply January 13, 2014, 10:52 am

Meghan

“But if you’re getting all hung up because a guy isn’t acting in some particular way and it’s making you feel insecure, nervous, or worried, that is absolutely neediness.

And it’s incredibly annoying to guys… we can’t stand it. There is nothing more annoying than trying to go about our lives and do everything we want to do, only to have to drop everything and respond to a text message because some girl we just started seeing needs attention and reassurance.”

I was reading this article, shaking my head in agreeance and recognizing the shame when I read the above paragraph. Now I can no longer deny it – I am needy. I need, I crave that constant reassurance that a guy is into me and then I blame myself when he disappears – all because I can’t control my neediness. I’ve always suspected my neediness is the culprit because I’m constantly accusing myself of sabotaging my own happiness. Now I know; I read it here in black and white and now I can confidently say that IT STOPS NOW.

Reply January 6, 2014, 3:50 pm

sapphire

omg i totally understand where your coming from! sadly im in the same boat and like the others how do we kinda undo the damage done?

im trying my hardest to back off but its soo fricken hard i feel like an addict or something i need that attention from him ive become way to dependant on him i guess im just scared if i back off he wont “pursue me” which sucks because weve been together for 7 years and all this just started happening in the last 3 months ….

Reply August 21, 2014, 10:53 pm

Jessica

Dear Eric Charles, Thank you for your advice because you are right on target, but I have to ask you some more questions. What if a girl sends the guy what he wants like naughty pictures and he is sending naughty pictues to her then doesn’t mean he still likes her because they are both sending those pictures? These pictures don’t have faces on them, so you can’t prove it. I am just wondereing something else too what if you are sending him bible verses and h just stop contacting you and you were talking about people gossipping about you and you sent several messages about it then he stops talking to you? What does that mean? What kind of advice could you tell someone about this issue? Have a great day.

Reply December 26, 2013, 4:28 pm

K

These posts make me freak out a little bit because I know I acted way too needy with a guy that I started developing feelings for. We hooked up a few times and I was just coming out of a messy breakup so I definitely was guilty of overtexting him and trying to turn it into something more. Since then we have had a falling out and have not talked at all. I still have hope for something to develop in the future but I don’t know if there is way to have a clean slate and for him to see that I’m not typically so pathetic. I need some advice – I want us to start over now that I’ve scared him off

Reply October 7, 2013, 7:38 pm

Ashley

I am in love with this article.. I TODAY was just going through these problems. I am very glad that I was able to speak to a close guy friend about this sort of issue, then have it confirmed with reading this article. I like the guy I do, and because of past hurt (he wanted more, and I choose to be friends, hence he is now hesitant on “us”) I feel like I want to prove to him how much I enjoy him being in my life, and how much I do like him, but by reading this that’ll be classified on needy. I also have been told by him that when I spill my emotions on him, it scares him, so I am trying to be as neutral with my feelings as possible. Even though I have to admit, it is hard…

Reply September 25, 2013, 4:01 pm

Dave

Exactly. I mean really, are we still in high school?

Jeeze, can’t two people just want (or need) to communicate their feelings and spend time together without the game-playing? What the hell are you people looking for?

No reciprocation from the other person? Quit wasting your time and move on! Delete their number – works great for me…never find myself in “need” to communicate with someone who won’t do so in return. Not getting enough space? Here’s an idea: instead of ignoring them, how about discussing it face-to-face? Imagine that idea!

To quote Sandler in the Wedding Singer: “Why would you want to dance with someone who doesn’t want to dance with you?”.

No wonder relationships and marriage are a crock these days. Too many rules. Too much reality TV. Too many with stupid baggage, rules they follow from some PUA, extreme feminist, Ask Men or Cosmo website.

If it weren’t for alcohol, I’d be shocked we’re marrying or even reproducing this day and age. They talk to me too much. They don’t talk to me enough. Why is he texting me so soon? Why is she not calling me back soon enough? Blah, blah…ridiculous.

What the hell happened to being straight up?!

I’m pretty sure love involves co-dependence. Last time I checked, it’s not about having the upper hand in some silly game – it’s about being the member of a team.

Agreed – you shouldn’t need the other person to be yourself, but they should compliment you. I don’t need cigarettes, but I still chose to smoke them. In the end, want, love or need, it’s my choice. I can’t blame anyone else for my decision.

Reply September 14, 2013, 2:26 am

Becca

Do you have a blog? I’d love to check it out if you do.

Reply March 23, 2014, 10:39 am

sapphire

You make me laugh! thank you i needed to laugh!
I like your point of view on this topic
commonsense and honesty thats what i got from the article!

No one likes to be nagged about why theyre not txting back etc let them be – commonsense would say (despite the history)

Honesty have that scarey convo with your other half lay it all out there (not to manipulate this sitch but to be let them know why your going crazy)

Going by the comments, if you dont agree with Eric’s article obviously you didnt get the answer or info you were looking for because the truth hurts , and so can love!
It sucks but you live and you learn!

Reply August 21, 2014, 11:22 pm

Angel L.

Thank you soooooo much Eric! I read this article 2 days ago after I noticed the guy I was talking to was pulling back and seemed uniterested. I realized that I was obsessing, and acting crazy/needy, so I just stopped. It took a lot of will power not to text or call him, but I didn’t. & guess what?! He contacted me this morning! And we texted, me acting real calm and cool. & then guess what?! He said he was mad at me (in a joking way) because I hadn’t contacted him for the past couple of days.. & after that we were having a flirty & cute banter going on and we talked on the phone for a bit. I feel really good Eric, thank you! I have control over my actions and emotions again & I realized i shouldn’t take anything personal. If it works out great, if it doesn’t, it’s not the end of the world; & look at what happened, he was still thinking of me the whole time!

Reply September 12, 2013, 3:40 pm

Ashley

Your comment gives me hope!! I did before leave the guy alone…and I did exactly what you have done…sadly, because he told me he wants to be official, it made me go into CRAZY MODE! I definitely need help… :/

Reply September 25, 2013, 4:03 pm

Kim

You’re so lucky Angel! I wish the guy I like would contact me too, I was being needy and I stopped now but.. nothing from him. Guess he has moved on. D:

Reply December 12, 2013, 8:42 pm

maeness

Hi eric,

I met a guy via instagram. we live a thousand miles apart. we started chatting a lot. then i became needy. he was pretty honest, telling me that he doesn’t think it was a good idea for us to continue talking since he becomes frustrated when i get annoyed. i wasn’t annoyed, i get upset. he said i wouldn’t probably like him in person. I let him have his way, but not without trying to find out if he was talking to other girls, subtlety, think. I just said maybe he’s right, that talking to me would be too inconvenient and that it would be nicer if he talked to girls who live closer so that he can meet them when he wants to. he just said that he hasn’t talked to many girls since his ex broke up with him. overall, i think we had both been genuine to each other. do you think he’ll still try to get in touch? if it were you, would you try to contact me again? i miss him a lot.

Reply September 5, 2013, 12:51 am

sharon

Hello Eric,

I know you had many article about women acting needy, I really enjoy reading them. After reading them, and I get the point you said it’s about mindset. We do not need other person to fill our life, or to make us happy. However, I think I am still confuse about if we show expression of I miss someone, if I am tell the guy, I miss him or I want to see him, does it also as needy? if yes, How to show or say that, so does not make it needy?

Please help

Thank you

Reply July 30, 2013, 7:19 pm

Madelyn

My crush does the same thing. He’ll tell me he likes me, and text me asking about my brother, then as soon as I start to talk about “How are you”s and “What’s up?”s is when he gets busy and has to “practice for his band recital” at 2 am.

He has also made plans saying stuff like “Hey, I miss you, we should meet at the BLM (Bureau of Land Management) tomorrow at noon. Do you want to?” And I’ll say yea, we should. Then at 11 the next day he’ll message me calling it off. I’m not sure why he does this when we make plans

Reply July 16, 2013, 10:21 pm

Soila

Dear Eric, I need help I recently met this guy 3- 4 weeks ago first date was good, second was good as well, but I think I was being needy, I got caught up and always texted him every day, point is that i texted him saying that if he didnt want to talk to me to know..hes response was “its not that.. i just feel you need someone with more time because i have been really busy and you dont let me text you back you text me. and its like a needy feeling and its not me. I replied “im not needy… i just care for you and dont want to lose someone good like you .. I apologize.. I dont wanna stop talking to you. He replied ” I understand and no need to say sorry.. its been 3 days.. I wanna get to know him but I dont even wanna text cause i dont want him to feel like im being needy i left it as that…

Reply June 5, 2013, 8:09 pm

Lyn

I have a question and am hoping you can help me with this. I met a guy online and we’ve met up about 2 times. We were chatting for quite a bit before we met up. And both times were great. We had lots of fun and told him that I want to take things slow. (We kinda went to third base on the first night). I explained that the night I want to be intimate with him, I want it to be special. He agreed. He told me he like me on the second date. He does message me every now and then but can not contact me for 2-3 days. And sometimes I initiate the text, asking him silly questions and he does reply quite soon. He does show that he cares for me but I really don’t know where I stand. I don’t make it easy for him to meet up with me cause I have other things going on with my life but I really like him. So I’m just confused at the moment. Should i just let go? Everytime he messages me, I feel loved and happy all over again, but when he does not, i feel like I’m just not as important as I thought I was. :( I know I sound a bit needy, but I just want to get a guy’s perspective of this. Help me please.
Ps. He does want to keep seeing me. His online profile he did highlight that he is a very busy man and values free time. But even a very busy man will still text ?

Reply March 22, 2013, 12:16 pm

Pineaple

Hello, I hope you guys can help me…. after two wonderful dates, this guy ((I have gone on dates, and have fun uninterested) who is really busy, would just answer my messages if i initated them…… and i took it with patience, every two -three days try to poke him…. we are twenty something for crying out loud…. so after a week i just said heiiii dont wanna play games, it is simple, i want to see you. i know it was bold and risky and probably wtf. is there a mending step or game over?

Reply November 16, 2012, 6:57 pm

Allee

The thing is, ladies, you have to go into the dating scene very open minded with no expectations and you have to love yourself more than anyone in this world.

Men can be way more exceptionally patient creatures than women can be. Rushing things will only make someone run away. Every man I have dated except 1, have been the first to intiate the whole “are we official?” conversation, or do you want to be together conversation.

I agree with some of you who just want to know where they stand. I get that, I get having this amazing chemistry with someone. But honestly ladies just look at their actions. It’s easy to tell. The men who called me constantly, texted me constantly, wanted to know our next date, we’re the ones I knew with patience they would be the first to ask. It was clear that they were really into me and so the “need” to be needy wasn’t there because reading people is just too easy. Now the men who didn’t call me or text me as much, I knew they we’re going to be a challenge, yet I stuck to the same thing, patience. Still the need wasn’t there to know where I stood, cause if he had no need to do any of those things than neither did I. I knew that in the end we will probably be better off with someone else.

Many of you must realize that, that if a guy isn’t doing what you want him to do, there is someone else that will, and you “need” to stop trying to figure out someone and just let them be. And move on to someone else. This is where loving yourself comes into play, if you love yourself no matter how much you may like the person you are dating you know that if he wants to be with you, great, and if he doesn’t than it was nice knowin ya! In life you never lose. Everything turns out for the better. If he leaves, that was a good thing lost. If he stays, than there is something there :) And don’t ruin it by insecurites or worrying about something that hasn’t even occured yet. Take life for what it is and never be afraid of it because in the end it all works out in your favor.

This may sound odd, but I actually ENJOY when men choose to walk out of my life.
It’s like picking out the bad apples without having to actually do it because they do that for me. When I can’t figure out a man, I wait patiently, and eventually as with anyone his true colors show good or bad.

I think those of you who struggle with having to let someone go, should try just “fun dating” even if you dread the thought of it which most of you probably do that are in fact needy. Go on dates, with no intentions of getting serious, see what happens! I dare you. Date guys from all sorts of ranges, date guys that are not your type and just have fun. Be free for a while, learn how to let someone go and it all becomes so much easier, I promise.

Reply October 3, 2012, 1:45 am

Shae

Thats all wonderful Eric (seriously, I’m not being sarcastic – you are very brilliant and honest which I appreciate). You are right, I know you are right about the typical man. HOWEVER…what about the guys who say they love you but ignore you? I won’t text my man for days thinking…”don’t be needy, let him come to you”…it doesn’t work. He is perfectly content with never contacting me. I get a “sweet dreams” before bed and maybe once a week I get a phone call for about 15 minutes. He doesn’t seem to like any other contact. Seriously…I could be in the hospital and would never feel comfortable bothering him with a phone call. He has all the hand in the relationship. I rearrange my whole life to spend 20 minutes with him because I want to see him, yet he cancels dates with me all the time (like when I’m actually dressed up and waiting outside the restaurant I get a dreaded “can’t make it” text). I go home crying and swear him off forever and then the next day he tells me how much he loves me. Part of me believes he is not into me, but the other part believes he loves me. It’s emotional torture. And yes, obviously I have some self-esteem issues if I am putting up with this but honestly after a certain age it gets harder and harder to go home alone…even if all you get day after day is a “sweet dreams” text. I hold onto that sweet dreams hoping for some day, maybe, one day he will love me.

Reply July 6, 2012, 7:26 pm

MJ

I feel the same way Shae. I’m in the same situation, but my problem is we never talked about how exclusive our relationship. So, I don’t even where I stand. I recently had surgery and told I won’t be able to fly for awhile to see him, but if he can come fly down to where I live to see me and he just said, “yeah, it will be awhile”. I guess that means he doesn’t care. I emailed him saying ” I can’t figure you out sometimes…like does he even like me? ( I don’t mean in a relationship type, just an attraction…) are we just friends? Is he just hanging out with me cuz he feels bad? Am i on your jock too much? Is it normal to have something like this? Lol. It’s all good whatever it is we have. At least we’re cool and we get along”. I haven’t heard back….should I just forget about it and not email him again?

Reply July 11, 2012, 10:51 pm

Marilyn14

ThatS exactly how he treats me.

Reply June 15, 2012, 8:15 pm

dee

i started dating a guy first date went great and we clicked and then we didn’t see each other for a while, but talked a lot and he said i am very sorry i will never do that to you again ok hun? and then next time we spent several days together, but he wasn’t as romantic we didn’t make out like before. the passion didn’t seem to be there as much, yet he told me nothing was wrong and we cuddled on the sofa watched tv and went out to eat next day. and he took pics of us together and said he would post it up on the site where we met and said to change my profile from single to dating, but 2 days later it said dating someone great and i got mad with e mails that were needy. i was acting childish and immature, but i was angry didn’t i have a right to be? he said if i couldn’t admit it was all my fault we’re done, and i said oh hell no it isn’t all my fault baby, and he said well that’s that and he went out with someone new 6 days later and turns out he talked to her the day i took him home! what gives? i am very confused!!

Reply June 10, 2012, 3:30 am

ronald wicks

I have a question. I just got this girls number today and after texting her and listening to my friends which is stupid. At the end of the day when I read my text. I found that I was being needy. Is there anything I can to to make a comeback. Thanks

Reply May 7, 2012, 2:29 am

Eric Charles

Like I’ve always said, “Using large vocabulary words doesn’t make your point right…”
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OK, so the word neediness gets thrown around a lot – so what? That has nothing to do with this article or my work in general.
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What you’re describing isn’t called “love,” it’s called “co-dependence.”
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There’s a tremendous difference between wanting and needing. In fact, you can’t love when you believe you need the other person for your continuing well-being – the illusion that you “need” them will prevent you from loving them in a mature way.
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Mature love means that you chose the other person – need implies that you had no choice. That might sound romantic on the surface, but it’s the pathway to co-dependency.

Reply May 1, 2012, 12:42 pm

Scott

I think the author completely missed the point. When one person starts off acting one way in a relationship then abruptly or slowly changes and acts differently, it is perfectly reasonable to question the basis for the change and the increase or decrease in interactive behavior. Truth be told, we are constantly evolving and as such we don’t behave consistently over time. These fluctuations are normal. But when the fluctuations become consistent, they are a projection of our feelings, consciousness, etc. When a guy starts off all hot and heavy, there is a reason. When he becomes distant there is a reason. There is always a reason. The problem out have is that you don’t know the reason and it’s not likely that you will get it by asking questions. Many people find that mere words suffice and they take them at face value. Most people also view the actions as speaking louder than words. That in and of itself should provide the questioners answer. In short, you are needy, but not in the way you think (a bad way). You are actually in need of an answer that you may not like or want. That fear is causing you to question and requesting using words. Stop that. Use the deeds of the other to measure their actions and the value of their actions to you. The words can be deceiving. The actions are not. Your best course of action is to stop reaching out. I’m willing to bet your lack of reaching out will elicit some negative reaction from the other person. That is the same reaction you are having when their deeds (or lack of) are not meeting your expectations. That should help you understand that your needs for attention from this person are greater than their ability or desire to fulfill your needs. Hard as it may be, you need to accept this behavior or find someone whose actions are in line with our expectations.

Reply April 14, 2012, 8:50 am

paige

I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months. We’ve had our ups and downs, but always talk things out. The things was in a relationship for 5 years and it ended becuase she cheated. We got together 2 months after this happened and he wasn’t really ready to be in a relationship. I did not force him into anything and at one point I even stopped putting effort into our relationship because it seemed like it was over. However, after some space he came back to me and things have been better than ever. The thing is I know that he still is afraid of getting hurt again, we have talked about this. He also told me he is afraid to get close to my family too, so I don’t push him to see them, in fact I have never asked him to come over for dinner, until today. He told me no thanks, he said it was because he needed to get things done around his house, but that was a really lame excuse to me because he also has tomorrow off of work (it’s a monday) so couldn’t he just get stuff done then, I know he doesn’t have other plans. I am upset and hurt that he wouldn’t come to dinner with me, but I am wondering if I am overreacting, am I being needy, or what? My family is an important part of my life and I want my boyfriend to be around more, but is that being needy? (He has already met them, it was his doing before).

Reply April 8, 2012, 10:15 pm

paige

I saw a typo on my post, he was in a relationship for 5 years.

Reply April 8, 2012, 10:20 pm

Dave

He’s either playing you or doesn’t know what he wants (same thing?).

He’s simply not worth your valuable time. If that’s being needy…forget him…I’m free Friday night :)

Reply September 14, 2013, 2:29 am

Jaz

Dear Eric..

I have written to you before, and I write to you again. Last time it was a longer message about a specific situation which I didn’t really expect an answer as I know you are a busy man. Nevertheless I hope I will get an answer this time.

To describe it shortly, there is a guy I like and we were sorta supposed to talk yesterday and he said he had a surprise for me. I waited a while but he didn’t show up and today he was saying how he came home late and didn’t want to wake me up for a talk as he thought I was most likely sleeping. I couldn’t help but give a comment as “was this the surprise for yesterday?” (usually I don’t talk that way with him) he said it wasn’t and he didn’t have a lot of time now as he was getting ready to go out with his sister. He asked me if I was mad, but me being me, I am never able to admit when I am mad or not until much later. I just told him instead that I am sick (which is true too) and that I have to go, we’d talk another time.

So thing is, I don’t want him to repeat this so I should sort of let him know I am bothered by it right? Or should I just let it go? To not come of as needy? But if I let it go, won’t he think it’s alright to do it?

Reply April 1, 2012, 11:15 am

Mushu

Just tell him. You won’t be too needy. Orr ask him to meet up again to talk and if he cancels on you again, then tell him. Tell him “If you don’t want to meet up with me, just tell me, don’t leave me hanging.”

Reply December 23, 2014, 5:25 am

Denny

This article opened my eyes a little bit. But I still have a question.
I broke up with my boyfriend but then realized it was a mistake and asked him if he wanted to get back together, he agreed. Now when I text him random texts he answers (super coldish) but when I ask him when are we going to meet each other he never bothers to reply. Why is that? By now I’ve stopped contacting him because I feel like I’m bothering him.
I don’t understand, if he is okay with us being back together why doesn’t he want to meet me and furthermore does feelings change so fast? The broke-up and getting back together was in a one-day interval…

Reply March 3, 2012, 5:49 am

Sweetness15

Dated a guy for 4-5 months. Everything was great. I remained cool and didn’t chase him. Kept my own life and didn’t always hang out when he wanted to if I was busy. However the last 2 weeks I’ve felt a little insecure. So I started saying things like why don’t you call me as much anymore. I swear I said that all of 2-3 times and next thing I know he’s breaking it off by text. That was 1 day ago. I notice what I did wrong here, but is it too late to get him back? When he said he wanted to breakup I didn’t get angry, cry or anything we later had a nice convo & ended with well wishes. What do I do? Is there anything I can do or is it too late? There was a strong connection there & I don’t want to lose him over this.

Reply January 25, 2012, 3:55 am

Grace njoroge

hi,
Am grace have been reading the articles and they are so good 2 me some goes to my situations atlist they have been building me up.OK my problems are i have been in a relationship with a certain guy for about one year,the guy have been with another gal and i knew it but i ignored in mind i knew its only me the guy use to tel me its only me so it happened i went and visited him for a weekend, then later the gal went their she happened to know that i was there,i even heard that the guy had impregnated the gal,that night the guy called me and informed me that i leave his life and i just look for another guy, he told me as they were with the gal because the gal told him so.These stressed me so much up to now i still love the guy and am not ready to leave him,we have not even communicated with him from then.Please help

Reply January 25, 2012, 3:04 am

D.B

I read your article and a majority of the discussion questions. I agree with a lot that you have to say about neediness, Eric, but at the same time isn’t searching for our match just about that? If we are dating people that are not able to fulfill the things we need, we probably should not be dating them in the first place. I believe I fall along the lines of being needy sometimes, and I try my best not to, but it is very difficult. For instance, I have been dating this guy for about a month now and there are times when he is very attentive and we text for hours during the day and times when we don’t. The second week spent getting to know each other we saw each other about 4 times during the week. Recently, now that I am back at work, it has gone to about 2 days a week (which I am fine with as well). What I am NOT fine with is that I feel as though he is not initiating our time spent together as much. He is more than happy to see me and spend time with me, but he is not a planner (self-proclaimed). Even our second date, in which he proposed, I had to be the one to follow through on the plans. So my question to you Eric is…. is it possible that some people are just not planners? Or they don’t feel the need to talk all day long to someone even when they are interested? Also, my friends think I should not initiate time together or texts anymore (I have been doing so, its been like 60/40, Me) just to see if it makes a difference. Good idea? Bad idea? Am I expecting too much for only a month of getting to know one another?

Reply January 10, 2012, 2:26 pm

Confusion

Hi Eric! Need an opinion! But it may be too late to expect a response..

What I’d really like to know is if you know a guy is truly interested, why don’t they make an effort?? I will be honest the effort is there, but only through texting! He uses an excuse and hides behind his work.. So we don’t see each other for months. This has gone on for 1/2 year, I’ve had no choice but to act with some sort of “neediness”. I’ve given him plenty of space, especially after we talked about how he doesn’t want to jump into anything if all he does is work, therefore I said we shouldn’t talk anymore if he doesn’t know what he wants.. But he still messages me a month later saying he misses talking to me, but once again the effort isn’t there.. I’m so confused, don’t you think if he cared enough he would try? He finally said we should start out by hanging out like we use to, FINALLY but honestly I told him I don’t know what I want anymore. I have to practically force him! And it makes me feel like he isn’t interested. And then, no reply.. I usually let him think for a while, its been 4 days. But I really need the opinion of a man!
Thank you!

Reply January 6, 2012, 3:43 am

Shae

This is pretty much what I am going through. I broke up with my boyfriend because he never made an effort to see me. I couldn’t stand being away from him so I told him I wanted to be back together and he said he did too. He bought me flowers and a card and always says he loves me. However it seems so easy for him to ignore me and not see me for weeks! I am busy and need my own space too but gee after a week or so I can’t wait to see him and miss him. I really think some men just don’t think about their partner unless they are together. It doesn’t mean they don’t love us, they just don’t operate that way. It’s annoying though. Hopefully its worked out with your man:)

Reply July 6, 2012, 8:01 pm

Thea Mendiza

Please help me Eric! How do I respond to this guy
without being needy! Thanks
Some guy who I was dating/friend sent this to me… “btw my gf is moving in today, so will be difficult to break away to see you in the future. havent ever had a live in gf before, will see how it goes. I refuse to be unhappy so if she makes me miserealble, she will be out the door. then when your free we can run off into the sunset…” how do I respond back?

Reply December 7, 2011, 9:31 pm

RedFlagAlert

Uh, you respond by running for the hills. He’s having her move in and he isn’t sure about it? He’s cheating on her with you? Hello RED FLAGS, RED FLAGS, RED FLAGS.

Reply February 21, 2012, 2:00 pm

Shae

This seems easy – you are so better than to be the other woman! Not fair to you, not fair to her…seems the only one getting his cake and eating it too is mr. wonderful. Run girl!!

Reply July 6, 2012, 8:03 pm

Efi

I’ve been trying to get some answers here but seriously? A man who presumes to be as understanding in the matter as you are, should at the very least try not to be so chauvinistic! And you are! You totally are! I bet some women ended up crying after reading some of what you got to say! Anything a woman does is “needy” as far as you’re concerned and really, it’s one thing for you to ignore another person completely just because YOU don’t care about that person but if a woman wants to know where she stands, not because she doesn’t know what she’s worth but because women like to know where they stand, she’s needy enough to justify you acting very impolite? Man, I’d rather get advice from someone who actually likes women and not see us as a pain in any male’s… Other than that, being passive is not same as being a woman and I see no harm in texting a guy after 2-3 days he hasn’t called, especially if he said he will, just to see where I’m standing and how real was he with me to begin with. Lying and ignoring is one rude, egocentric and mostly bad way to spread out your message and it may be passive but it’s just as, if not more, Aggressive! It’s not about a woman’s neediness, it’s about what YOU NEED. And aren’t men needy at times? Thank god for those great strong women who can take it! I’m not saying I expect a reply in 3 minutes or else but understanding where I stand and who is standing besides me and behind some sweet talk is perfectly normal and no where near being needy! Maybe some men, like you, NEED a woman to be completely submissive and not say or do anything unless YOU said it’s ok. Unless you need it! Maybe women do not NEED some more egocentric female-bashing advise on dating. One last thing to all men out there – If you went out of your way to show a woman a good time and said anything hinting this is just a beginning of something great! but you better find an honest and human way to let her know you changed your mind – not answering texts is not the way! No woman is not that hot just because she’s interested! I’m not needy but I got needs, yeah. And a REAL MAN will just be more in tune with my needs instead of trying to make me feel bad about it so next time I’ll be more… obedient perhaps? Well… not my thing really…

Reply December 4, 2011, 10:15 am

Samie

Yeah, well said girl!!
I came here to get advice too, but it seems that by having feelings or simply being a woman, I am being needy. Dammit! Us woman can never do anything right it seems, from a man’s point of you. And we all know it is a damned man’s world!
I’ve now met a guy whom I’m falling for, and it seems to be mutual. I let him know I was into him pretty quickly. He actually would like me to call him more often!
There is no rule. Everyone’s different. It’s not about being a woman or a man, but a human being! Men who tag women as needy simply because they are interested in them, or want to know where they stand need to get a life! Those are the men I do not wish to meet.

Reply December 4, 2011, 4:01 pm

Samie

oh my, how many mistakes.. oopps! Point of view*

Reply December 4, 2011, 4:02 pm

Eric Charles

I agree with what you’re saying… I don’t understand why you think I’m some guy labeling women as needy.
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Men can be needy too. We’re all in this together as human beings – the enemy is neediness, not men vs. women.
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I don’t know how this was misinterpreted… every other woman who’s read this article seems to “get it”.
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Neediness is a state of mind. It’s not a label men slap on women or women slap on men. It’s a state of mind that drives a man or woman to seek validation outside himself/herself because they don’t think they (or their life) is enough on their own.
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Hope that clarifies and believe me, I would never bash or put down women. That isn’t me.

Reply December 4, 2011, 6:07 pm

Eric Charles

@Efi – You’re putting your own spin on things.
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When I write these articles, there is nothing I want more than to have women read them and feel more empowered, more at ease and overall more confident and happy in their dealings with men.
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I have a sister whom I love very much – I think of her every time I write a response. I think, “What would I tell my sister to help her the most?”
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There is nothing here that is chauvinistic. If you are seeing that, then I would advice you to check your lens because if you’re seeing chauvinism here, you’re on your own trip.
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I have a female partner who owns the site with me. Do you honestly think that my savvy, brilliant, confident and charismatic FEMALE blog partner would want a chauvinist spouting unhelpful advice to women?
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I could go on, but all I can say is that I think you got the wrong impression. Hope we can start again on the right foot… but I have nothing to defend here.

Reply December 4, 2011, 6:03 pm

Sabrina Alexis

Efi-

I really don’t think it’s fair of you to label Eric a chauvinist and come at with him with all these accusations firstly because it couldn’t be further from the truth! Eric is probably one of the most caring, insightful, empathetic, kind-hearted people I know and his life is essentially devoted to helping people, both men and women, gain greater happiness and fulfillment from their relationships.

The reason we started this site was to create a platform for women to feel happy, confident and empowered. We wanted to create a one-stop shop for helping women improve all areas of their lives and we have spent the last 3 years working our asses off to bring that vision to life. We’ve sacrificed financial security, our social lives, sleep and often, our own sanity to create something that we believe will make people’s lives better. And from the feedback we receive, for the most part, it has all been worth it.

Eric absolutely does not label every woman as “needy” the only time he does is when a woman is acting needy! Wanting to know where you stand with a man you’ve been seeing isn’t needy. If you’ve been seeing a guy for a while, you enjoy his company, things are going well and you’re ready for things to be taken to the next level, then by all means say something. If you NEED things to go to the next level because you’re insecure and terrified of losing this guy and your livelihood rides on being his official “girlfriend” and you’re terrified that if he doesn’t lock it down with a label he’ll leave you because you were never good enough for him to begin with, THAT’S needy.

If you’re dating a guy and he goes days without contacting you, there is no “empowerment” in you hunting him down and demanding answers. His silence has already given you the answer regarding “where you stand” and this is the reason we tell women to back off in these situations. This is NOT because we think women should be passive creatures who sit back while the man decides what’s what, far from it. It’s because we feel that all of you deserve to be with men who treasure and value you. If you are texting him every 5 minutes demanding to know where he’s been and why he hasn’t called he is not going to value you, he’s going to see you as a burden and he’ll start pulling away further and further. The reason we tell our readers to go out and live their own lives is so they learn to find fulfillment within themselves. I can guarantee you that a women who is waiting by the phone or reaming her guy out when he doesn’t get back to her in a timely fashion isn’t all that fulfilled with her life and doesn’t really value herself all that much. A woman who values herself won’t waste energy on a man who doesn’t see her inherent value, she won’t wait by the phone, she’ll move on with her life knowing that it’s his loss.

Neediness is a frame of mind and it can’t be defined by a set of behaviors. Rather, it’s the thoughts/emotions/insecurities that cause a certain behavior to manifest.

Being interested isn’t neediness, being over-eager and desperate IS! Also, neediness is NOT just a female thing. There are plenty of needy guys out there and plenty of women who are incredibly turned off by their behavior.

I really hope what I’ve said makes sense to you and has made the message of this post a bit more clear.

Reply December 5, 2011, 2:58 pm

Eric Charles

Amen. Sabs, I’m glad you wrote this not only because the response called from a female perspective, but also because I think you very clearly spelled out some key principles that make a relationship work versus run it into the ground. Our goal here is always to help women have more happiness and success in their dating relationship life – I think this discussion helped address that.
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And Efi, none of this is personally against you or the points you brought up. I’m glad you did actually because what you wrote is probably something other women have thought but never took the time to write out. You bringing it up gave us a chance to clarify things and that is appreciated.

Reply December 5, 2011, 6:38 pm

Efi

You know, I was planning to simply apologize to Eric simply because it seems I offended him and I didn’t mean to. But not only this article said that a reason not to call a woman AT ALL is if she’s acting needy, which kind of upset me, now after reading Sabrina’s comment I don’t feel so apologetic anymore. WE ARE ALL NEEDY AT TIMES and it’s not always a bad thing. Whose sending text messages every 5 minutes? and if so, can’t a man be civil enough to say “hey, get off my back” or something? If I go out with a great man and I really like him, I will probably wait for his phone call (or call him myself…) and this does not say I do not value myself. Oh I value myself enough to know that I got needs just like the rest of us and I’m not afraid of them. A lot of women get excited after meeting a great guy and most of us will be waiting for that phone call. I’m not saying we will not do anything but that but me needing a second date with a man I liked equals me not valuing myself? Oh man! That’s horribly insulting! And no where near true… Listen, I got my opinion in this matter, I think that some women might find this attitude a bit offensive. I mean does a woman who will go out with any man who calls and hide her feelings about the one who didn’t value herself more than a woman who rather try and talk to the one man she actually truly liked? Sorry, just my opinion. Am sorry if offended anyone. Wasn’t my intention but it seems you don’t really want the criticism either. All I can say is that I’ve fulfilled a thing or two in my life and I value myself enough to know who I like and when I find someone I like – yeah I hope he calls and if I text him or call him first – yeah maybe I’m in need of some good feedback. But so what? Being so judgmental about people you hardly know is just a bad trait as being “needy”…

Reply December 5, 2011, 7:04 pm

Efi

No where in this article did you explain “neediness” and it’s also something I read in a different one. Maybe I over reacted because I just had the greatest date with a great guy I totally clicked with and it took him about 4 days to call me back although he promised to call the next day and I did send him 2 text messages on the 3rd and 4th days because I value myself enough to not be played with like this. I liked him and I value people enough to know that sometimes they have a good reason to act not so nicely (turns out he did). Judging me as needy and using that as an excuse to not call me at all is just very not female friendly, sorry. Maybe I’m assertive, perhaps even demanding a bit and not needy? It just sounds like a scarlet letter on women or something. Plus I must admit that I am actually a very independent person and I don’t mind people being needy at times at all. I can take it. But seriously, didn’t mean to upset anybody and maybe this is a good advise to some people. Good luck with that.

Reply December 5, 2011, 7:20 pm

Eric Charles

@Efi – I feel you on the no callback situation… it sucks, we’ve all been there and it’s really disappointing.
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And I’m not one to blame or judge… that’s not what Sabs and I are doing.
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We want to give women a way to see what they might have been doing that screwed up their results so it doesn’t happen again.
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We’re just trying to help. This isn’t female bashing – this is diagnosis and (at best) enlightenment.
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I’m sure you’re independent and strong in many ways. But from what I’m reading so far in your comments, I get the impression that your version of strength and independence sometimes helps you and sometimes hurts you.
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There are some things you say that come across as very defensive, like you think Sabs and I are enemies that are trying to attack you or lead your astray.
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We’re not – we want to help you as a woman who wants better dating / relationship situation than the one you have at this exact second.
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But I think there’s a lesson to be learned in all of this. I think you might benefit from looking at the places in your life where you may be taking a confrontational standpoint or assuming bad intentions when the reality is not actually that…
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Assuming the best in people and their intentions will make your life and your relationships better… I promise, and I know because I’ve discovered it.

December 5, 2011, 7:28 pm

Eric Charles

No apology necessary – I am really glad you posted your question. You didn’t offend me, I just didn’t agree with your perspective. Nothing against you and no offense taken.
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But I’m reading your response and it just looks like you’re on your own trip… like you just want to be angry and blame all of your problems on how men SHOULD be… and that acting on any emotion however immature or irrational equals you “valuing yourself”. (To be clear, I’m not saying you’re immature or irrational, but I’m illustrating what you’re essentially arguing for…)
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Sure… everyone is needy at times. But it’s a stage in maturity – when we learn to be self-fulfilled and not blame other people for not being how they “should” be, we have better relationships. Instead of coming across as an angry child blaming the world for how everyone “should” act, we come across as fulfilled adults who people want to be around.
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If you want to find that insulting, you will. It’s not meant to be, but only you are in charge of how you interpret communication.
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Like you’re saying “I got needs” – no, that’s neediness. You CHOOSE to be needy – you CHOOSE to make him the master and commander of your emotional state instead of handling that responsibility yourself (and in the end, only you can.)
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There’s no “hiding your emotions” mentioned here. We’re advocating *emotional maturity* and stability so that you don’t build your foundation on an unstable surface (e.g. another person).
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Nothing you are saying is offensive, but it is naive and inexperienced (in the realm of relationships). Again, that is not meant as an insult, I am saying that with kindness but it’s true.
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Being angry about things (that weren’t meant to make you angry) and being insulted by things (that weren’t meant to insult you) is just silly. It makes no sense… getting angry and insulted in general is an emotional habit to avoid – it will age you and stress you out, which does a variety of bad things to your mood, body, health and relationships. And I’ve been there, so this is not me preaching, this is me sharing my own experience.
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As for being judgmental… well, none of it is a judgment on you as a person. Can’t say the same for what you originally wrote about me though. Just sayin’. ;)
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We love the feedback. But we reply honestly, just like we write honestly. No hard feelings and I definitely have nothing against you – I promise.

Reply December 5, 2011, 7:20 pm

Efi

Well Eric, thank you for making a point of not being insulted nor insulting. I’m glad I didn’t insult you. I do believe you just called me immature, inexperienced and such. Oh and that part about being the type of person who blames everyone for their problems? no where near me, seriously. I guess you’ll have to take my word on it. You actually just used scare tactics – it’s like you way or the highway. You kind of deliver a message that it is ok for a man to not call a woman at all because she sent some sort of a needy vibe to him. Well, what if he’s wrong and totally not gets it? What if he blames her for something he doesn’t want to admit within himself like I don’t know – fears, insecurities and such? To sum it all up, what can I tell you? You keep thinking what you’re thinking and go ahead with being sure anyone that misunderstands it must have a bad immature personality and may probably end up miserable but truth is that I’m a pretty independent 36 year old scorpio lady. I’ve been around, trust me. Good luck with love you all. Don’t fear it, chance it!

December 5, 2011, 7:40 pm

Martha Lucinda

Thank you so much, Sabrina and Eric. I think you all do a wonderful job on A New Mode. A girlfriend told me that guys are different and most don’t communicate like women. Anyway, please keep up the great work that you do! Martha

Reply September 15, 2012, 11:03 am

Eric Charles

Thanks a lot Martha.

Reply September 18, 2012, 9:04 pm

Eric Charles

And… it’s not that most men don’t communicate like women… none do. But some men can at least bridge the gap better than others. ;)

Reply September 18, 2012, 9:12 pm

Karlaangie

Dear Eric:

Well… I know this guy 3 months ago & we chat, call & go out a few times but he start to act shady, I text him in a few times & he don’t text back & I call him & he don’t answer too, then I realize he lost the interest in me, but after 2 days he text me: “I’m sorry I stay so sick & I don’t look the phone for nothing”…

then we talk for a few days & go out again normally, but he act shady again for 3 days & then he broke me a specific promise,we need to go to a job interview, & then I text “I’m so mad at you” he answer me in an hour, “U don’t know how mad at me I stay, I have job issues,family issues & University credits issues, I don’t want to stay here…”

I wrote back why he don’t talk to me,maybe I can’t help,but I try to understand him, then he talk to me 2 days & act shady, then I say ” we need to talk” I say if he continued acting shady he lost me, then he act shady again, I mean he doesn’t care what I say about it or what I feel, then I realize this & don’t text him for a few days, then he send me sad faces & broken hearts to my inbox & I answer back the same…

& I send he a messages saying: “I need my time because I don’t stay prepared for this type of relationship, I have a lot of issues in my life & I want someone to support me & I know U want someone like this too, I really want U with all my heart & in a long time U are the only one who makes me feel like I feel now, but I don’t want to stay with somebody who I don’t talk or I don’t see, I don’t want to hurt you with my words but I don’t want you hurt me too, I try to understand U but now I don’t know U wants… then I say “Let me take my time to know U more & organized my life too, answer me later if U want </3"

& now I don't know how to do…I know I acting needy in sometimes,because he confused me but now I try to take my time & resolves my issues, because is too much stress, but I really want him, I need to wait for his response?or I ruined this?

Reply November 20, 2011, 12:57 pm

Samie

Heya,
Here’s my story: met a guy online, we chatted a few times and thought it’d be nice to meet in the flesh. So he suggested we meet after work for coffee. It was really nice. Not in a flirty or romantic way, but in a “nice to meet someone new” kind of way. No pressure. We just talked about ourselves, and even shared a few laughs. Easy going.

But, although nothing special happened, I started to feel like I wanted to see him again. So 2 days later, on a Friday, I said something casual along the lines “If you ever fancy having a wine tasting party, let me know, I know a few good italian ones, see you.” Inviting, yet casual…
He replied within 10 minutes: “Hey! how are you? Sure! you should come and have dinner at mine one of these days, and you could even meet my roommates! How about next week?” to which I said “Next week is fine. Wednesday or Thursday?” (I thought it best to narrow it down, rather than give too much choice)
Him: “Not Wednesday, I’m having dinner with my parents. I’ll let you know asap!”
Me: “Don’t worry, I haven’t any plans yet for next week, so the choice is yours” (I actually regret having sent that last text! how silly of me!!!!! I completely contradicted myself!!!!)

It’s now Wednesday, and I haven’t heard back from him. I’m now wondering if it is because I sounded too available/needy to him in my last text…. or if he met someone in the meantime… or if there was a misunderstanding and he believes that since I only talked about weds and thursday, and weds was out of the question, then Thursday stands! but what about the time? gggrrrrrr…!!!!
I don’t think I’m being needy, just really annoyed this guy said “ASAP” when in fact it seems he meant “ALAP” = as late as possible.

What do you think?
If he suddenly writes to me tomorrow to ask for dinner that night, should I say I made other plans? Because that’s how I’m feeling right now, that I actually want to make other plans….

Cheers! :)
Sam

Reply November 16, 2011, 8:56 am

Samie

Now this is ridiculous, and I’m thinking of leaving a comment elsewhere on a topic like “why are guys such jerks?”
Here’s what happened next: Wednesday evening, no news from him since the Friday before, I decide to write to him: “I’d like to see you, is tomorrow ok for you?” him:”Helloooo so sorry to reply so late. Tomorrow won’t do, but we can do it over the weekend? would that suit you?” Me: “I’m free for dinner on Sunday night, but Saturday night am going to a bday party and we’ll be staying up late” him”ok I’ll try and come on Saturday, but not sure, depends on my roommates” I think:”yeah right! he won’t show up”.
I was right, he didn’t show up, but he didn’t get in touch either.
Notice how he’s managed to get out of an invitation he made a week a go, just like that! This morning I got so angry at him for treating me like that I wrote to him : “I’ve never been treated like that! I never forced you to invite me to dinner. If you didn’t want to see me again, I’d rather you’d said so directly. What good did it do to lead me on? Have a nice day.” What a jerk!!!!!
What is wrong with the guy?

Reply November 20, 2011, 2:01 pm

Judith

Dear Eric,
After reading this article on neediness and several of the comments posted, I realized how needy I was being sometimes and have really been trying to correct my behavior; however, I could still really use your advice.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and a half and we love each other, do not live together, but I find myself wanting more out of the relationship. He is 33 years old (I am 25) and he has never had a relationship that has lasted for more than a year and a half. I’ve never met anyone in has family, and he’s never made an effort to have me meet them (they live out of town.) I try very hard not to be needy; however, every time I try to have a serious conversation with him about where this relationship is going or what his plans for the future are he just laughs, shrugs, and says, “I don’t know” to avoid answering. Things are wonderful between us in every other respect, we get along well, have similar interests, but I still worry that this relationship will never move forward. How long should I wait before realizing that it never will? Or is a year and half too soon to start asking those kinds of questions?
More importantly, how do I even find out if he refuses talk about it???
I really don’t think I’m being needy for wanting to know whether our plans for the future fit together, but I feel guilty for pressuring him for an answer, ANY kind of answer other than “I don’t know”.
If he isn’t ready for a commitment, I wish he would just be honest and say so, especially if he doesn’t think if I am the right woman for him.
(Maybe it’s me being needy, but I can’t help but think that maybe he’s just going through the “cycle” with me just as he has with every other girl that came before me. Does he use women to temporarily ease his loneliness and break up with them the moment they start to want something more?)
I apologize for inundating you with questions, but I am very confused about what his intentions are. I know what I want out of this relationship and where I want it to go and it frustrates me that he does not.

Reply November 13, 2011, 7:54 am

Judith

Signed, -Lost in Limbo

Reply November 13, 2011, 8:09 am

Unknownwho

Okay! I’m sorry I’m a grown ass women and don’t have time to play the chasing games! Hello people we are HUMAN-BEINGS with feeling! So quit playing games and get real, life is short and you got to enjoy yours. If he is not the one, then drop him like a hot potatoe! He is not the only one with feelings too, just so you know. Ladies it’s about respect, but if there is no repect at the beginning already, then you better keep on walking, because you got to enjoy your life too! Same thing to the nice men out there who are having trouble with the ladies! Love yourself first, because your happiness is also important too.

Reply November 6, 2011, 10:41 pm

Thea Mendiza

I’m pretty bummed! The truth hurts! I tried to
work it out with my husband. It was great for a while. But I keep
thinking about the other guy who doesn’t care for me. The affair have been going on
for almost 2 yrs. Now. So strange for him not to have
feelings for me. When we are together, we have the best time
ever. Great conversations, great sex, he’s affectionate and
and treats me well when we are out. So for him to say that
gets me real confused. I had no feelings for him for a while, but he’s so nice
to me, so I thought there was something there. I thought wrong.
Stupid for me to fall for it. Also strange since I’ve known since high school and I’m 37 now.
It’s really difficult to cut the cord. I need help on how to move on and forget.

Reply October 13, 2011, 7:51 am

Thea Mendiza

I’m definitely confused. I’m married and try to stop seeing another man. I told we need stop seeing each other because I’m catching feelings. He tells me ” i didnt know you were catching feelings like that. In all honesty i never intended to string you on or lead you on in any way. I thought because you were married we could kick it sometimes on the side, like we agreed no strings attached. Now i feel like i ruined your marriage, i feel super guilty. You know the type of guy i am, you know my history, i never been a one woman man, with that said, i dont know how this will end up. I dont mind emailing you and seeing you once in a while but, thats kinda where it ends. i hope you dont think less of me now, just being me nothings ever changed. So does this mean it is now over?
 

Reply October 12, 2011, 6:24 pm

Christylee

Sounds to me like hes telling you that he does NOT at all feel the same way for you. Hes telling saying that its up to you if you want to still mess around, but that you shouldnt ever expect him to want to be with you. Take it or leave it, hes good either way…

Reply October 12, 2011, 7:03 pm

Eric Charles

– He’s not a one woman kind of man (as in, he’s going to continue seeing other women and not be in a relationship)
– He doesn’t want you to screw up your primary relationship and would feel guilty if he had a part in that (in other words, if he thinks you seeing him will damage your marriage he’s going to cut the cord)
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– I think the most direct phrase is “like we agreed, no strings attached”
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When it comes to guys, when they define a relationship agreement, they expect that to be the agreement. Agreements are made specifically to set the understanding right from the start – a man does not agree to terms that he doesn’t intend to keep or that he thinks he might regret later.
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Bottom line: If you want to continue hooking up with him, no strings (aka FEELINGS) attached, then he’s cool with that. If you’re not, then it’s done.

Reply October 12, 2011, 7:40 pm

dayna

Hey there Christylee,
I think im facing the same issue whereby this guy who has the same feelings with me who made me go crazy of his behaivour as he does things which makes me confuse too. Well i really do understand the feeling when you want to let go of him but he comes and give you fake hope. One of friend told him about my feelings but he didnt even made a move to do anything but just flirt with me by coming around my place and glance if im looking at him when he fills up his water bottle but i used to look at him as for now i try myself not to look at him .Things came worst when he added me on facebook and i started chatting with him but he shows not a strong interest with short answers but at work he will just flirt and now he barely even talks to me because of the reason i asked was he free to meet up and he said he was busy because he thinks i was about to ask him want he wants from me but again he flirts at work .The thing i hate the most is i think he has talked about this issue to his friends at work as they kind of stare at me which make me to look needy compared to him. Therefore, im hoping someone could give us a good reply What Exactly Should we do as i believe this guys are just making fools of us and making us tired.
Dayna

Reply October 11, 2011, 9:25 pm

Christylee

Ok after reading several posts, I realized that I have been extreremly needy with this guy ive been talking to because hes been extremely confusing! im soo confuuuuused help!!

We met one day when we were both walking our dogs at out apartments, yes we lived in the same complex. I left a note on his car to call me sometime. He did, and we talked as friends and we would take our dogs for walks, we definitely liked each other. About a week into talking he tells me him and his girl decided to get back together but he still wanted to be friends. Two weeks after that they broke up and he took me out on a date. Then he decided that it was all too much and he needed some time and wanted to take things slow. fine.. but then I tried to keep things on the friend level and he started being really flirty so I was cautiously optimistic about things. So then id flirt back things would get a little heavy, he invited me to sleep over and so I did and we didnt have sex. I felt like things were picking up a little bit but when I would ask where things were going (aka being needy) he stopped hanging out with me.. finally I just got pissed and didnt talk to him as much. soon after I suggested we be friends with benefits..that started out great but then he invited me over one night and we just cuddled and watched a movie we got into bed and we didnt have sex…just a sleep over.. So I started having “expectations” (aka being needy again) and he would go back to the “I told you I wanted to take things slow, i dont want a realationship right now.” So we decided to take a step back and be friends. Then he would flirt with me again and say things like “i want to take you out to dinner soon and spend then night together” but he would never actually plan it! So then I would get mad and confront him about his behavior…Its not fair if we decide to be friends that he starts acting all flirty and leading me on. So this has been going on for weeks now and I havent seen him in weeks, its been all texting, he moved out of the complex.

Things have just been weird, we never see each other, He never accepts when I try to make plans to hang out, he stopped making plans all together and things have just been..Were friends, were flirting, I freak out on him with my expecations, were friends, were flirting so on…Then finally we came to an agreement, that I cant get mad when he cant hang out with me all the time. I said fine as long as your not cancelling on me last minute or leaving me hanging. He agreed. So were good, talking, I invited him over to watch a movie and he chose to respond to me 6 hours later, to tell me he would love to but hes going to a BBQ at his friends house. I said “ok, well have fun, maybe some other time” Im fuming inside!! like he hasnt seen me in weeks and he chose a BBQ over me?? later that night he said “i miss you” and I avoided that and just answered back with something vague..the next couple of texts were me kind of making fun of him and just avoiding his flirty texts…The next day he texted and said hi and I didnt respond for 5 hours.. and I just said sorry ive been busy..and he wrote back “whatever” I didnt respond..later that night he texted “hey you!” and I didnt respond till the next morning telling him I was sick and fell asleep early…the next few texts were, to say the least, awkward because I can tell hes butt hurt about how I treated him..I tried to make it right by saying “sorry if ive been short with you, ive been busy and caught a cold over the week end so im just tired, I hope you had a good week end and day today, and by the way I miss you too.” he just responded with a smiley face…I know now after doing a lot of reading that ive been needy and probably really bitchy..so I havent texted him and he hasnt texted me..I guess ill just wait for him to come around, and stop my needy behavior and let things happen…hopefully I havent ruined anything..but im confused as to why this guy is still talking to me…I dont know if hes playing me, if he likes the attention i give him or if he really just likes me and is waiting for me to stop freaking out on him…. What is he doing??? Am I waisting my time with this guy??

Reply October 11, 2011, 7:47 pm

Christylee

Just want to let everyone know that dispite all my friends telling me I ruined it and that he just sees me a “sex object” that I wrote him a message and told him last night exactly what I didnt want, and exactly what I did want..I said: “I know I probably messed things up by wanting to be friends with benefits, but I dont want that anymore. If you think we can see each other, date and take things slow to see where it goes, id like that. If not, then I understand and maybe we can try to really just be friends.”
He wrote me back and said ” I have no problem with that, I told you that I wanted to take things slow with you and I enjoy spending my time with you, i miss talking to you and i miss you too. So stop acting weird and being short!”
So now things are back on track..im happy, and we will see where things go.

Good luck everyone!

Reply October 12, 2011, 12:20 pm

dayna

thanks Eric for your help me question is it is wise for me to show him that i can live without his presence and go on with life as normal because i really do feel both of do feel award when we bump into each other at the office but we do act just like everything is normal.There is this question i have in mind all this time what was he wanting of this situation that had happen and im curious to know was he playing me out as his ego booster and how am i to show him that im do not need him in my life?

Reply September 27, 2011, 8:29 am

Thea Mendiza

To be honest Sally Mally, he’s not in to you as much as
you are in to him. Plus, he has a girlfriend. He may give
one day, but he will not give you his 100%. I learned from
my experience. I was so attracted to this guy, I pursued him.
I was the one who emailed him and asked him out first. He never said no
but I thought to myself, if he really wants me, he will take
the initiative to call me or ask me out first.
I just emailed him 2 weeks ago to say hello, but he didn’t write back. Couple
of days later, I emailed him again just to tell him
that maybe we should just close what we have. It’s been going on
for over a year and I feel that I will be the one to get hurt at the end.
I was honest and I told him it will never since I’m to him more than he is with me. He does date other women and since I wanted him so much, that I told him I didn’t care and that it
didn’t make me jealous, but it really hurt inside just didn’t want to show it. I didn’t want
to look vulnerable. So, it’s best just to close it. He ended up replying back, but to my old email when I said hello and not when I asked to end it. So, I’m confused again.
In a way I think he doesn’t want to end it because he wants to keep his opitions open. I know he’s really attracted to me, but he wants to see other people thinking there’s someone better than me, but he hasn’t found it. I don’t really care, I just want him to tell me
that it’s over, so I can move on. It’s difficult for me to end it too. He was my high school sweetheart, so we have a history together. I’m also married, so it makes a really bad situation. I’m to work out my relationship with my husband, that’s why I want end it with the other guy also, but the other won’t give me that closure.

Reply September 26, 2011, 8:05 am

Sally mally

okay, so I have been crushing on this guy for quiet some time now. We used to work together, where we would see each other a good amount of times during the week. It was love at first sight for me, figuratively speaking. I have never been attracted to someone so fast. He was nice at first and I would always catch him staring at me.. We would talk good in person, we keep it flowing. I even would talk to him through Facebook and everything was fine.

Although, I came on very hard and I think that it kind of scared him away. I asked for his number and he told me he had a girlfriend. So I gave him his space, but still sent him messages and posts on facebook. The guy that was so easy to talk to at first, became so hard to get a hold of. he barley talks to me, I have to send multiple messages just to get him to respond.

When I changed it up and asked him to hang out with me with a group, he seemed to open back up. SO i asked him if the wanted my number and he told me sure and to send it to him in a message(: So i sent him my number then asked for his and he sent me it with another happy face. So i wait about a day and i shoot him a message but get no response.. then a wait another two days and i say hey its sally mally whats up? he replied almost instantly. he only sent like 3 messages though..

i dont know what to do, should i call it quits.. does he sound like he dont want me? should i try. what is your best advice? thank you for your time, please respond :)

Reply September 23, 2011, 9:19 pm

Mona

Nice article! I have been talking to a new guy recently and he instantly showed interest in me, but I showed interest in him first and it went off with that. He was very sweet and flirty and when we would see each other he would always be flirty and stare, etc. But since a few days ago, he hasn’t been the same. If we texted he would be sweet and flirty and what not but now he just gives like one word responses and doesn’t show interest in me much. I think it could be my own fault, because he married someone on FB and I asked him about it, probably in a jealous type, though it probably is not serious and just a joke. And then I asked him if he likes anyone else and he said no not right now and I said okay you better not and he said ‘lol ok’, probably another bad mistake. Now I think I should just stop talking to him and let him come to me. But if I start acting less needy and give him his space, will it work? What should I do when I see him? Please help I’m so confused! I know I acted too needy but I’m afraid he’s over me because of it, though just 2 days ago he said he isn’t. What do I do now? Thanks!

Reply September 22, 2011, 6:21 pm

Giselle

Thanks Eric. You are good! I so needed that “relax” bit. That’s exactly the reaction I’m getting from him, but I guess because I’m falling for him, I’m overly anxious though I play it really cool with him. I actually told him I was heading out of town (a fib) to get his reaction and he was very upset that he wouldn’t be able to spend any time with me for a while. I plan not to see him for two weeks. I guess I’m scared of chasing him away. If I see him I might let my guards down and emit needy energy which you schooled us not to emit. Now the rhetoric question is why are us women like this? Thanks so much Eric. I’m sure I’ll need you again soon. You’re our SOS!!

Reply September 21, 2011, 5:16 pm

Giselle

Hey Eric, very good advice you give. Thanks for being there for us. I met a guy (27). I am 45 a week ago. I’ve mainly been laughing at his advances and playing the you’re too young for me card, but after much of his cajoling, he has successfully convinced me that he really wants to pursue a serious relationship with me because of my values and personality traits. I’m confused though. He showers me with text messages of how much he adores me and wants to see me on a daily basis. However, somehow he hasn’t taken any demonstrative steps to make that happen. He works 5 minutes away from where I live. He came by for lunch on Saturday, but missed the opportunity to hang out after leaving his job. How are we women supposed to interpret such contradictions? I don’t act needy at all. I tend to play the “guardwall up” game, but still act very friendly towards him. We’ve been on one date, last Friday. I’ve since loosened up a bit to show him (via response to his texts) some positive responses. He called last night and we were on the phone from 10 to 12:30am. He texted me all morning this morning, but I haven’t heard from him since. Am I being unreasonable?

Reply September 20, 2011, 10:17 pm

Eric Charles

He likes you – just relax and keep doing as you’re doing. Contacting you as often as he is qualifies as pursuing you (for a 27 year old guy at least…)
.
I expect things will unfold organically into dates and whatnot, so long as you maintain your confidence that he’s into you. And don’t get too wrapped up in it for now, just enjoy it for exactly what it is right now.

Reply September 21, 2011, 12:05 am

Thea Mendiza

Off the subject. I don’t think I have feelings
for my husband anymore. I’m really falling for
this guy. I know I am into him more than he is with me.
Maybe I should just leave both and find myself. Maybe
I need to seperate from my husband and miss him again.
I’m very miserable at home. My husband thinks I’m just
stressed from work.

Reply September 15, 2011, 9:31 pm

Eric Charles

If you are falling for another man and feeling miserable at home and your husband just thinks it’s because you’re stressed from work, then you and your husband are on very different pages.
.
No matter what you want to do, it’s probably in your best interest to talk to your husband and get on the same page. Whether you tell him about the affair or not is your business.
.
I’m not going to moralize or impose what I think is fair or not fair – that’s not what I do. But I do think that in order for you to move forward in whatever relationship you want, you’re going to need to get on the same page with your husband.
.
There’s no way to know how things will play out, but I have to imagine it’s stressful to be married while seeing another man (and your husband is seemingly oblivious). For your own sake and sanity, it’s in your best interest to talk to your husband and either work things out or separate. Probably your husband’s too.

Reply September 15, 2011, 10:37 pm

Thea Mendiza

Thanks Eric! Can you be my therapist? Do I need
to let the other guy know what my plans are
and break it off with him? I will talk to my husband about
our relationship. I will not discuss my affair. I will take that
to my grave. I just want to miss my husband again. Maybe
if we seperate for a while, it will spark up again or maybe
will just go our seperate ways.

Reply September 16, 2011, 7:37 am

Eric Charles

Careful – I’m not a therapist. Gotta make that legal disclaimer – I just give my opinion.
.
But I’m happy to give my opinion, of course.
.
In your position, it’s probably best that you end your affair and put all your effort into loving your husband. Instead of trying to “get love” from your husband, try an experiment for the next month and give as much love as you can to your husband.
.
I know that sounds weird, but just try practicing loving him as much as you can. Don’t even worry about talking about the relationship just yet. Save that for a month from now. For now, just make it your mission to discover how much you can love and appreciate your husband and then check in after a month.
.
Yes, it sounds crazy, but trust me. Try it and let me know how it goes in a month. Good luck.

Reply September 16, 2011, 3:13 pm

Thea Mendiza

I don’t think I’m needy. Just confused on what type of relationship
I am in. I am married, but seeing someone else.
The person I am seeing also dates other people. Can’t really say anything
because I’m married. When we are together, it’s the best feeling! I have been seeing
for over a year now, but we only hang out every couple months. But when we do hang out it’s like I just saw him yesterday. We made a rule not to talk to about our relationships. He started telling me that he met a girl that he started dating, so I started talking about my husband. Then he tells me, you shouldn’t talk about him when we are together. Huh? He
contradicts himself. So, it’s okay for him to talk about dating, but I can’t talk about my relationship?

Reply September 14, 2011, 8:11 am

Eric Charles

The way you put it strikes me as odd…
.
“He started telling me that he met a girl that he started dating, so I started talking about my husband…”
.
It makes it sound like you’re keeping score. “He did this so I did that, and it’s not fair that he doesn’t like it.”
.
If you want to see someone outside of your marriage, it just makes sense not to talk about your marriage. No guy wants to hear about your husband – I’m sure he actively tries to forget the fact that you’re married whenever possible.
.
Doesn’t matter if you have a rule. Doesn’t matter if “he started it…”
.
If you choose to have this type of relationship, then talking about your marriage will only help to drive the guy away.

Reply September 14, 2011, 5:43 pm

Thea Mendiza

Thanks for the honest answer. It makes alot of
sense. Now I feel bad. Should I apologize or leave
it alone? So, it’s okay for him to talk about his
relationships with me, but I can’t talk about mine?

Reply September 14, 2011, 10:21 pm

Eric Charles

Well… I don’t think it’s good form on his part to talk about other girls. There’s no reason that you’d want to hear about that. The only reason I could think of for him bringing it up is to maybe let you know not to become too attached… or that he has options.
.
But if he brings it up, the best way to handle it would be to calmly but clearly say that he can do what he wants, but you don’t want to hear about it and you extend him the same courtesy.
.
Your arrangement is what it is, but if you want to maintain what you have, it’s best that you both don’t talk about other relationships AND can calmly remind them and forgive them if it comes up.

Reply September 14, 2011, 11:43 pm

Ivanti

What if he keeps giving mixed signals?
One day he wants me and a commitment, and for me to move in etc.
Then I dont heat from him for days, only to find out that he has taken his “ex” on holiday.
After the holiday he is at my door wanting a commitment and I am the only woman he loves and when he is with her all he can think about is me. Promising to do what it takes to make me realize he wants me. Last words from him “I’ll phone you in the morning” only not to call for 1 to 2 weeks (being with her) and then reappear and beg and promise and cry and and……….
How do I handle this – one day he is needy the next gone.

Reply September 12, 2011, 7:09 am

liz

thx for your info about a guy, this happen to me recently. we are in the engagement stage, he already said he want to marry me, he already began preparing any documents we need (we are from different country). then suddenly he never contact me again, nearly two weeks now. first, I get confused, and send him some text…. with no answer, then last night I decided that this is enough, if he needs some space and time, then I’ll gladly give him. I will not begging him to notice me. I have good job (I get promoted recently btw), I have great friends and community that needs my attention too. I feel glad when I read this article this morning, coz even though I have decided to move on and let him be, I still want to have him.
so, thx again
liz

Reply September 10, 2011, 8:01 pm

Mina

This is similar to what I’m going through right now. I sent my guy an email just saying how I feel about it and told him to check it. Then I decided to back off and give him space, so it’s nice to hear from a guy’s point of view to give him space. I just have to stay busy and hope for the best.

Reply September 6, 2011, 12:47 pm

Eric Charles

Sure, stay busy, but on a deeper level, try to fill your time with things that are fulfilling for you.
.
It’s one thing if you’re just killing time, but inside you’re DYING to hear from him – that’s still being “needy” at the core. In that case, you’re just covering the symptoms.
.
But if you make it your goal to do things that are truly fulfilling for you (to the point where you really would be just as happy single as you would be with your guy), then you will be free of neediness and giving him space (when it’s necessary) will just happen naturally.
.
I want that for you and all the readers.

Reply September 6, 2011, 1:01 pm

Jeez

Eric, this is great advice but I feel like what you’re essentially saying here is to stop caring about the guy. I mean it kinda defeats the point, doesn’t it? I am being needy precisely because I care. If I don’t care, I don’t care. I don’t need the guy then. Am I right or what?

Reply October 30, 2011, 3:27 am

Eric Charles

It depends what you mean by caring.
.
I’ll tell you a quick story. There was once a time that I worked a 9-5 job that I hated – I really *cared* about doing a good job, but none of my bosses seemed to *care*.
.
My experience of “caring” about my job was me needlessly worrying about every detail, stressing to finish and do everything perfectly and getting angry over the many shortcomings of the company. The “caring” that I wanted to receive from my bosses was acknowledgement and appreciation (neither of which I received).
.
There came a breaking point at that job for me when I realized my “caring” wasn’t doing anyone any good. It didn’t make me do a better job (in fact, it put me in a constant bad mood which probably repelled my coworkers).
.
And my “caring” certainly didn’t bring about the admiration, acknowledgement or respect of my bosses. In fact, I would watch as they would reward and praise other workers who I knew were lazy and less skilled than I was.
.
My realization was simply that I was driving myself crazy for no reason and no benefit. I was just making myself miserable and it was hurting my chances of moving up in the company, not helping them. But I thought it was important to “care”.
.
So I stopped “caring”, in that I stopped stressing myself out. When my company failed and I would normally stress out because I’d have to clean the mess, I would normally get all upset, annoyed and stressed. Now I just did my best to help the situation, but I didn’t get emotionally imbalanced by it.
.
Sure, I would have wanted things to be different, but they weren’t. Things were what they were at the moment, not what I wanted them to be.
.
So here’s the big lesson: It’s a mistake to label something as “caring”, when it’s really just you stressing out about things not being the way YOU want them to be at the moment.
.
It’s much better to ACCEPT things as they are and do your best to keep that feeling of love for your life alive inside you and let it flow out. Don’t “care” so much that if things don’t look right, you make yourself sick. And if you do, don’t think that anyone can make yourself feel better accept you…
.
Hope that helps.

Reply October 30, 2011, 12:42 pm

Jeez

Thanks, Eric, it definitely helps. I wonder why there comes a point when we (or I, for that matter) become fearful of losing the guy. Or maybe it really isn’t a point. Maybe we’re afraid of losing a guy right from the start. The more I like him, the more afraid of losing him I am. Eric, do you have any advice for this? Could you maybe publish something about that, e.g., how to stop worrying about losing a guy or something. Are there women who are NOT afraid of losing a guy? I wonder what they’re like, what their behavior’s like, and what their thinking’s like. I’d like to learn that… It’d be very helpful if we just knew what to do to stop the worry!

October 30, 2011, 3:24 pm

Meagan

So….. I just realized how needy I have been. This article is EXACTLY what i’m going through with a guy I like. But one question..

Is there ANY way at all to reverse this neediness?

I would like to start it over to how it was before. I wasn’t always available to him, in fact I didn’t even want him to begin with. Not that I want to go back to that, but what do I do to reverse all this and get it back to how it once was, or is that even possible now?

Reply September 5, 2011, 3:27 pm

Eric Charles

Yes, you can. Neediness is a state of mind… and that state of mind stems from your life and lifestyle.
.
A lot of dating advice talks about being less available, giving him space, etc. This treats the symptoms of neediness, but doesn’t treat the root of the problem and sooner or later the symptoms of neediness will show in some other way.
.
Your relationship will improve when you improve your life in general. Neediness happens when you try to use your relationship to compensate for an area of life where you feel you’re lacking.
.
If you’re lonely, you’ll want his company. If you have a low self-esteem, you’ll depend on him to make you feel good about yourself. If you equate your success as a woman with your “success” in relationship, you’ll *need* the relationship to be good (or else you’ll feel like a failure.)
.
Leaning on your partner once in a while is fine, normal and part of any healthy relationship. It’s when the relationship is being used as a crutch to “fill you up” that you run into problems.
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Again, the central problem is that you’re trying to use the relationship to fill yourself up instead of living a life that fills you up and making your time with your partner full of appreciation, acknowledgement and love.
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You can only have that type of relationship when you fill yourself up first. Having a healthy mind, body and social life goes a long way towards eliminating neediness at its root.
.
Hope that helps.

Reply September 5, 2011, 6:51 pm

Kelly

So I have been dating this guy. and he would call me babe a lot, sometimes love. When he texts me goodnight he will sometimes say i love you or goodnight my love. I am usually like i love you too,or goodnight <3 or :) lately he hasn't called me babe at all and his texts just say night, is he not interested anymore or am I looking too into this. I feel the tone of when he says night its just like saying the word night It has no meaning.

Reply July 29, 2011, 10:55 am

Erika

This guy and I have been bestfriends,then a couple months ago we became friends with benefits. He said recently “we are best friends,and lets see where this goes. Unless you want to be my girlfriend.” I said I do want to be your girlfriend and he did not say anything after that. He tells people i’m his girlfriend we hold hands everywhere but I don’t know if we really are going out because I don’t even know our anniversary date and when people ask how long he tells them to ask me… we don’t even know. We havent been going out for that long,but i love being with him i realize sometimes we need space or alone time but he never texts me when we do that. My friends usually text him from my phone to see what’s up and he is just at home. He never calls me either,which to me is very weird, he will text me at 9 at night to see whats up and to hangout. And lately he keeps asking me to have sex… I really hope he’s not just trying to get into my pants because I promised him i’d be his best friend no matter what happens in this relationship.

Reply July 29, 2011, 10:51 am

Vivian

Hi, i am married, but we’re not doing good, talked about divorce already. I’ve been talking to my ex for about a year now, & we always text back & forward, sometimes he’s the one leading the conversation, sometimes its me!! Not too long ago we saw each other & stuff happened between us. The next day he was being a lil distant, and the day after that we got in a lil argument because he is blaming me for something i had nothing to do with. Now i’ve been texting him to clarify what happened but he wont text back!!! He’s really upset/mad!! Any advice??

Reply July 20, 2011, 3:22 pm

Thea Mendiza

I’m in the same situation as you Vivian. I don’t
really know where I stand with this guy. We communicate
through email and there are days when he doesn’t
respond. When we are together in person, it’s
magical. Then we won’t talk for weeks. He lives
500 miles away, so we each other every 3 months.
I sent him an email 2 weeks ago, but he didn’t respond,
I sent him an email a couple days just as an FYI, that
I will be in his town for business, but didn’t hint
to see him. He responded the next day and told me a
family member died. Now I feel bad. I responded
back that I was sorry for his loss, to take care and to email
me when he has time. It’s been a couple of days
and no response. I don’t want to email him again until he
emails back. The only email address he has is through my
work. I will be changing jobs soon. What do I do?
Email him that I changed my email address? What
if he decides to email me when I’m no longer with
the firm?

Reply August 9, 2011, 5:24 pm

Angela

Hello Eric,
Jst wanted to let u know u are an amazing guy. I will save this as my bookmark and use it as an inspiration. I have been daiting this guy for 3 1/2 yrs & things only get more weird by the min. Im kinda lightweight hipped that he plays hard to get. Like for some reason he will randomly email me a pic of some new kicks so that I can get jealous that hes going out. When we 1st started daiting I felt so deep I. Lovd with him that he will cancel on me and I will call him crying he treated like a a bag of dirty diapers. Since ive noticed hes a total jerk anf wants me.to go above and beyond for him I simply ignore him so I have recently.seened changes in him he wants to spent time with and of course im playing hard to get… Ur article is very helpful is great to.hear from another man how they for the most part tjink. Thank u.again keep them inspirational articles coming.

Reply July 8, 2011, 9:50 pm

mimi

hi eric~ ur advice is amazing but I think I am in a needy situation. My boyfriend and I have been going out for about 2 years now and we broke up couple times but got back together. We were fine for some months till I had to leave the country for a student visa. It was hard leaving the country but my boyfriend kept reassuring me that he will wait for me to come back and we have been exchanging e-mails and txts through online. But with the 16 hour time difference our time talking together was tough. recently he went to a military training (he’s in the army) and my interview for the visa was on the last day of his training. he reassured me and rooted me till the day of the interview and even till when i got the result of getitng the visa, which was about 3 days after. then I got kind of lost in touch with him. One night I assumed he was back from work so I texted him. But I got no reply, then I started panicking and I texted his cousin and his friend. And this kind of lead to mass messaging of about 10 to 15 messages… I really regret i did that. I knew he had returned home but he wouldn’t talk to me so I got really worried he was mad at me or something. He apologized about the night he didn’t respond that night and said he was so tired from work he had just fell asleep right after he came home. But I kept asking him and when his responses got slow I suspected he was maybe hiding something from me and told him that and he blew up saying i was too clingy and i had contacted his friends (who were annoyed because of me) way too much and this had made him annoyed and angry and he said not to keep thinking he is hiding something from me because he isn’t and told me to not to talk to him that night (which i did) and to collect my thoughts and not to talk to him till I have. and about 2 days after I MOURNED and cried over this fight. Then I texted him I have collected my thoughts and I was ready to talk to him and we talked very little and I asked him if he was mad at me and he said he was not. Then about a week later, and after asking my friends for advice on what I should do, I told my boyfriend that it’s been over a week since he has been ignoring me I told him I could not wait forever. He then finally replied, “what are you going to do about it then?” then i said how I do not want to break up with him and want to work this out but that he kept ignoring me and it is kind of pointless to wait for something like this. Then he said that we were done then. And I told him even if it is pointless I would wait for him. And he was all whatever, and I kept explaining and he said in the end that he just wants to be left alone. and when he says left alone he means it. and he said we are not breaking up, but he has been in a bitchy mood lately and wants to be left alone. After hearing this I left him alone. But I can’t help but to get worried thinking he will break up with me. What should I do? If I back off completely and give him time, would he come back to me? Should I not approach him until he approaches me? PLEASE HELP!!!

Reply July 8, 2011, 6:46 am

Jasmine

Hi Eric, you are amazing!
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 years and have never seemed to understand this until now.
When this happens it usually results in my taking the hump and telling him what i feel, then he will ignore me because of the way i have acted. Your words make sooo much sense and will be very helpful. It’s just a shame it only clicks after reading it from you and not talking to my boyfriend about this. Guess it just takes advice from another male just to see how your minds work! Haha.
Thanks a lot :) x

Reply July 4, 2011, 4:13 pm

Gabby

Hi eric,

Just finished reading this article and it seriously helped. I am in this EXACT situation right now with a guy I really like. I will text him but he won’t respond for hours, sometimes never. But when we do hang out, he says he likes me and all this stuff. But I’m putting in all the effort. I’m not going to, now that I’m hearing from a guy why guys hate it when girls do what I’m doing. Hopefully it goes well, haha.

Reply July 4, 2011, 12:36 am

Lynn

Your perspective is very helpful! I have been in a long distance relationship since Feb and it’s not without it’s challenges. I find that I am more in need of reassurance in this particular situation. At the beginning we emailed back and forth regularly, texted, etc… and he encouraged me to tell him everything and he loved getting my emails. We got very intense and close pretty quickly so this moved pretty fast. Well, after about a month of intense emailing, texting & calling back and forth he stopped suddenly. At first I was confused and I asked him about this and he said a lot is going on in his life (this is no lame excuse…he is super busy…he’s in several bands and is playing shows all the time) but he still cares, etc…I do believe him. But, when I would not hear from him for a few days I would panic and send him a text but he would always call immediately after and reassure me. I just hope I haven’t done this too many times! I’ve only sent him 3-4 of what I consider “panic” texts since April when things slowed down & once he reassures me I’m completely fine.

Anyway, we only speak on the phone a couple times a month now and we don’t really email or text anymore. He is very independent and I get that. He said that in the beginning that was all romance, etc…and nothing has changed but he just doesn’t normally email people like he did when we first met & now he feels I’m starting to understand him and his need for space.

So, my main issue is this, should I totally back off and let him initiate everything from this point forward, meaning no texts, calls or emails originating from me? I find this hard to do because of course I want to hear his voice and talk to him but I don’t want to drive him away.

I will be visiting his country in September and I want to be very careful these next couple of months! Any advice on how to proceed would be appreciated.

Also, if I have appeared needy to him would backing off help repair his image of me?

Thanks so much!

Reply July 1, 2011, 11:24 am

Eric Charles

Trying to repair your image with him IS needy – you are needing him to see you (respond to you) one way and not some other unacceptable way.
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Giving him space to be the way he is without reacting negatively is a good step, but you also want to work on accepting yourself, him and your overall relationship exactly as it is… when you fully accept your relationship as it is, worrying isn’t necessary since it just is as it is.

Reply July 1, 2011, 4:05 pm

Lynn

Thanks for the advice Eric. It makes perfect sense.

Reply July 5, 2011, 10:00 am

Isabelle Rose

Thank you so much for this post! Though it does not seem to be recent, I just discovered it today and it helped me tremendously.

A recap: I recently started seeing this guy. I got very into him very fast, as he was the first guy with true LTR potential I had met in quite awhile.

I am accustomed to guys going completely over the top from the very beginning. I can’t remember the last time that I went out with a guy that didn’t mention the idea of commitment. It has honestly never taken more than a few dates for the subject to come up, and within the month said male is literally ready to move in together.

This guy was different. He did say he liked me. He said he liked me a lot actually, only the thing was he didn’t call me all the time. To someone who was used to being suffocated, this was a complete shock. I convinced myself that he didn’t really like me.

As a result, I became needy. I won’t go into all the sordid details about how clearly I demonstrated my desire to hear from him, but the gist of it is I was bending over backwards to accommodate him and my reward came in the form of less and less communication from him.

The last straw was him canceling on me last Thursday. He said that he would call me the next day, and I lapped it up like a puppy. Of course the call never came, and that was when I finally decided all hope was lost. I did not bother calling the following day. Nor did I call the day after that, or the day after THAT.

This morning was the day I discovered the column, and less than two hours after reading it he texted me. With your article in mind, I cheerfully outlined my plans to go shopping when he asked what I was doing. I asked him what his plans for the day were as a courtesy, and did not write back when he replied. I was planning on waiting until I had a free moment to do so, but exactly five minutes after he sent the text he called me. I missed it. I called him back, and he picked up on the second ring. The first thing out of his mouth? “You haven’t called me in four days”. I kept the conversation brief, and cheerful. I could tell he was angling for an invite on my trip, and I kept silent when the conversation naturally flowed to the point where one of us would tell the other that they missed them and make plans to see each other again. He did so.

Again, thank you so much for all the wonderful advice you’ve been doling out. I will have to go back and read the archives, and I wish you the best of luck with everything.

Reply June 20, 2011, 11:48 pm

V-gurl

Very helpful advice !
Thank you so much, and keep posting stuff =)

Reply June 11, 2011, 12:20 am

Celia

You’re AMAZING!!!!!!! :D

Reply May 31, 2011, 7:05 pm

Bridget

Well what is your advice to repair the neediness? In general a man’s behavior is either hot or cold. Why is it ok for a man to text you one day all day long, and then the next few days it is like pulling teeth? What are the chances of moving forward in the relationship, if you had come across needy but it was a reaction to the way he was acting?
This is exhausting…. :)

Reply May 30, 2011, 4:59 pm

Eric Charles

It’s not OK and it’s not not-OK either. It’s just what’s happening.
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What’s important is your reaction to his behavior because that’s the only thing you truly have control over.
.
I mean, you know some people who get angry about just about everything and then other people who are extremely patient and they never get unbalanced by other people’s behavior.
.
I am not advocating passively letting someone treat you like crap. All I’m saying is that if you can break the habit of getting either angry or panicky about a guy not texting back, your dating life is going to be better…
.
“But it’s not fair!!!” you might think. “But he’s acting like a jerk!!!” you might think. “But I need to stand up for myself!!!” you might think.
.
OK… then get angry about it. And you will make bad decisions, say things you didn’t mean and take destructive actions toward your relationships.
.
Or……
.
If you don’t like those options…
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Let it go and focus on something else. Choose not to be a “victim”. Spend time enjoying your friends, your hobbies and your life.
.
That’s not only how you repair the neediness. That’s how you repair pessimism / problem-thinking and shift into making life light and enjoyable. There is no man on Earth who would not want to see his girlfriend happier, and your happiness will lead to the relationship improving.
.
Sounds a little fruity but happy relationships happen when two happy people are coming together. Focus on your happiness and stop making your happiness his responsibility.

Reply May 30, 2011, 10:15 pm

Bridget

That makes sense. Thanks for the advice. I need to focus on what I can control. I am in charge of my own happiness. Thanks again!

Reply May 30, 2011, 10:47 pm

Eric Charles

You’re welcome, glad you posted up your question. Take care and good luck.

Reply May 31, 2011, 12:18 am

Becca

” There is nothing more annoying than trying to go about our lives and do everything we want to do, only to have to drop everything and respond to a text message because some girl we just started seeing needs attention and reassurance”

This part right here.. I think what us girls don’t understand is why it would be so annoying to text us back if the guy really liked us as much as he said. I know for me, the most common thought that goes through my mind when a guy doesn’t respond is that he is far less interested in me than I am in him, which is obviously discouraging. It might not be true, but it’s hard not to think of it that way. Cause even if your life is filled with a million other fun things, We all know that when you really like someone, you make the time. And when the time isn’t given, it’s only natural to wonder if his feelings are genuine.

Reply May 29, 2011, 4:56 pm

Eric Charles

I understand your point.
.
If a guy’s in the middle of something and he doesn’t have to interrupt what he’s doing (in other words, the text isn’t urgent), he might let it sit for a while.
.
Doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you. Sometimes I’ll put off responding *because* I care and I want to give her my fullest attention.
.
Sometimes time gets away from me and a response I meant to send 5 mins later turns into 3 hours later. It’s not intentional and it’s not because I don’t care – it’s just that my attention is absorbed elsewhere.
.
Texting is an informal communication choice that doesn’t require the participation of the other person. So in that way, it’s a blessing and a curse.
.
If a guy truly understands where you’re coming from on the texting back issue, he’ll try to make an effort. Most people generally want to meet the needs of people they care about and clearly understand the other person’s needs.
.
Granted, I don’t always hit the mark on meeting other people’s needs and other people don’t always hit the mark for me. But I try my best to allow them that space and permission to not be perfect. I do my best to give well and I try my best not to get upset when I don’t get well back. We all have our lines, but I’d rather draw the line if there was a communication problem when we were together in person… not based on her texting etiquette.

Reply May 30, 2011, 2:46 pm

Thea Mendiza

Thanks. I have to keep reminding myself of you just
said” If a guy’s in the middle of something and he doesn’t have to interrupt what he’s doing (in other words, the text isn’t urgent), he might let it sit for a while.
.
Doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you. Sometimes I’ll put off responding *because* I care and I want to give her my fullest attention.
.
Sometimes time gets away from me and a response I meant to send 5 mins later turns into 3 hours later. It’s not intentional and it’s not because I don’t care – it’s just that my attention is absorbed elsewhere.
My guy really has a problem responding back
to emails, but when see each other in person.
Everything is great! I hope that by enjoying each other’s
company, it squashes the whole email communication issue.
I email him atleast once a week or sometimes 2 in 1 week because
I forget to mention something on the email.
Is that considered smothering or needy?
smothering him.

Reply August 9, 2011, 5:33 pm

Eric Charles

It’s not so much the behavior itself as the “energy” behind what you’re doing.
.
For example, if you’re sending these messages really casually and it’s no big deal to you, then no, it’s not needy.
.
But if you’re sending him a couple of messages each week because you need reassurance from him that he still cares, or you send messages but then get very upset if he doesn’t response, or you send messages and you “need” him to respond a certain way back… then that’s neediness.
.
Neediness is not the “things” you do but the quality of energy you bring to what you do. Are you looking for him to make you feel better about yourself somehow?

Reply August 9, 2011, 5:49 pm

Thea Mendiza

Thank you Eric for responding back. Really
appreciate it. You don’t how many advice columns
I’ve been on and I don’t get a response back.
If you don’t mind reading my response to Vivian’s post below.
That’s my story and your advice is appreciated. Thanks
I guess when it comes to email communication, I’m very
prompt at responding no matter who you are.
I guess reading posts got me paranoid thinking
I’m needy too, because I like to communicate through
email. Since I’m fast at responding to emails, I expect a
quick response. Not everyone is like me, so I
have to understand that.

August 9, 2011, 7:10 pm

Shelby

TY SOOOOO MUCH!!! this helped a lot!! :)

Reply April 30, 2011, 3:21 pm

Gal90

this is so true wish id read this before, i was supposed to be going on a date to the cinemas with some boy i knew to meet up on the weekend, i checked the cinema times and realised the film we wanted to watched wasnt showing anymore, so i text him having not spoke to him for 2 days to ask him if he wanted to see another film instead, i got absolutly no reply back, i knew he read it because we both use Blackberry messenger and it show’s once they’ve read a message, i havent text him again as i wasnt really bothered as he asked me, i just found it funny how me asking him a general question means i was being “needy” in boy terms….an men say women are complicated lol

Reply April 27, 2011, 8:11 pm

Ann

Ok, so i have this problem that is easy to give advice to but horrible to follow. So, a couple of weeks ago i met this guy out at a party at a bar and we ended up making out. I must say that we were both drunk, and i figured that i wouldnt go further than that night. Long story short, I had to leave early and after i left he texted me, saying that he was looking for me. He had gotten the number froma friend we had in common. and we textd for hours that night and joked and stuff. Then since that day everytime weve talked its been because i texted him first, i know thats not good but when we talk i get like a good vibe, but it never leads to us meeting up to hang out or anything. So i dont know if hes just answering me to not be rude or if his interested and is playing hard to get(something i think guys dont do)

Reply March 23, 2011, 7:18 pm

Melissa

Hi,
I need some boy advice. There is this guy that I like so much (he is a freshman in college and i am a senior in high school) and basically last week when I talked to him on facebook, he answered me back and we had a nice long conservation. I have actually known him since I was a sophomore (and him a junior) and we had memories together. I am trying to reconnect with him as much as possible because I want to ask him out over the summer after we spend time together a couple of times. The problems that I have are
1) This week I tried talking on Monday, and yesterday, but he did not answer me back. I did not want to send him a message because I did not want to seem needy.
I also do not want to write on his facebook wall because I just have a bad feeling my ex-bf who I completely do not like anymore will comment on the post and I do not want my crush to know about my ex-bf. (I have dated four guys, but the relationships in the end were not that great). Anyways, my point is how do I not seem needy. I hope my crush does not think I am needy.
2) Another problem that I have is I want to ask him for his phone number, if he has skype and AIM, and about hanging out sometime, I just do not know how to say it. I really miss him and I want to see him again.
3) Is it a bad idea to ask a crush to Prom even though I actually did not ask him out yet.
4) I also poked my crush on facebook recently and he poked me back. Is that considered flirting? The reason why I want to try to talk to him about 2-3 times a week is because when he was still at my school I was afarid to talk to him a lot ( I was really shy) and I missed my chance with him because he went out with this another girl. Now, he is officially single and I do not want to miss my second chance. I also do not want to give up until I ask him out. I am terrible at flirting and I do not know how to flirt with him both on facebook and when I actually see him.
by the way, I like the article :)

Reply March 4, 2011, 4:13 pm

California

Good advice keep them coming Eric, it’s really good to hear from a man’s point of view.

Reply February 20, 2011, 7:44 am

Cee

Something that should be said is if a man is ditching you after making plans to get together you need to be straight forward about your boundaries. Letting someone know that you will not tolerate being jerked around and being cancelled on or ditched is extremely important. If he cares about and respects you, he will never do it again. But you need to put your foot down. It has to be make plans and follow through or I won’t see you anymore. And if he doesn’t follow through then you need to.

Reply August 30, 2016, 2:24 am

SharnaLondon

Right on the money with that one. As I am learning :)

Reply November 9, 2010, 7:12 am

sh3lbee

@ Dianne – OMG. I’m like in the exact same boat as you! Just this past Monday my boyfriend asked me if I wanted to hang out on Wednesday before I left for camping. I didn’t hear from him since that Monday and when Wednesday came, I texted him asking him if we were still planing on hanging out. Well, no reply. So now what I’m gonna do is just wait and let him make the next move because I did that once before and he said that “he likes a chase”.

Hope that helped a little(:

Reply August 18, 2010, 5:35 pm

andrea

This helps so much! You are excellent.

Reply April 4, 2010, 11:31 pm

Nina B

excellent article! Thank you so much for the helpful hints

Reply March 12, 2010, 11:37 am

Dianne

Great article! very helpful! but…yess i have one other question in regards to the “breaking a specific promise” part…for instance..the guy that i am talking agreed to hang out this past weekend. He said he had a friends b.day party but would still manage to hang out with me on saturday…said he would text me the next day (which he didnt) saturday came n i asked him if we were still on for hanging out..but he didnt replay. After that I didnt txt him anymore. I was pretty upset because he was the one bringing up us hanging out and simply didnt follow thru…in those instances would texting him a few days later seem needy?!?! He simply confuses me!!!

Reply March 9, 2010, 9:35 pm

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