Last spring, I met a guy through work and we hit it off. We have a lot in common…in fact, a lot of people say that we’re the exact same person! I knew that he had a huge crush on me, but I was dating someone else at the time.
Anyway, we started dating at the end of last summer. Things went well for a few months. He was calling all the time, sending flowers, sending random “thinking about you emails”-he even told me that he really saw us getting married at some point! He goes to school a few hours from where I live, so it was a long-distance relationship.
Around November, things changed. He became more distant, more withdrawn, stressed about school, etc. Right around Christmas time, I suggested taking a break to evaluate things. He didn’t really want it, but I couldn’t deal with how things were going. Needless to say, I found out that he started dating someone else during our break. I was pretty upset and told him I had no desire to be friends with him or have him in my life anymore.
Since then, he’s constantly tried to “win me over.” Calling to say hello, texting, emails, etc. I finally had to tell him that I really didn’t think I could ever trust him again, so it would be hard to be friends.
To throw another issue into the mix, at one point, he wanted to come back to where I work. I told him I didn’t think it would be a good idea. He loves this company and wants to eventually work for them full-time. A few people have suggested to me that he only dated me to “get his foot in the door.”
He ended up getting another job somewhere else. Since then, he has sent me an email, asking to be friends again because he misses having me in his life. After thinking about it for a couple of weeks, I called him and we had a nice conversation. He told me that he was single again, and was “fishing” to see if I’m currently dating anyone. I didn’t give him a straightforward answer, and I also didn’t give him any reaction when he told me he was single. He called me again just to say hi and see how things were going in my life.
I truly miss him, because I feel like we have a strong connection. I feel like he might be trying to date me again (eventually) and I just don’t know if that’s a good road to go down. I’ve been on a few dates since our break up, but haven’t found anyone else that interests me. Any thoughts you have would be awesome.
RESPONSE:
When you get right down to it, long distance relationships are typically a death sentence for a relationship. Even a really good relationship.
I’m not saying that there aren’t people who are able to keep a long distance relationship because there definitely are. But it is rare that it works – most of the time it follows the pattern you described… Couple really loves each other, they get along great then after a few months (usually 3-6 range) one person becomes colder or distant, etc. etc. etc.
So I’m not surprised that the long distance relationship ended. It sounds like you guys are close together again and, from what you’ve told me, yes, he is definitely interested in you. Guys don’t usually look at it as wanting to get back into a relationship with a girl. Guys usually look at it as wanting to see the girl again… then it just feels so comfortable and natural to be with her… and then before you know it they’re together again.
Ultimately, this is something you should clarify to yourself – can you completely forgive him, yourself, and the relationship itself for how it ended? If you can’t, then do not get back together with him. If you can and you are living close to each other again, it might work out well. Meeting someone who you really, truly click with is rare and I think revisiting it isn’t a bad idea.
Let me expand on this… when you think of how everything went down, are you angry? Are you scared? Are you sad? Or are you OK with it, truly OK with it and you can just chalk it up to it being the situation and everyone did the best they could? Be honest with yourself. I don’t necessarily expect that you don’t have some lingering bad feelings, but my feeling is that you should really, truly become at peace with any negative lingering thoughts or feelings regarding your previous relationship before you start again (if you decide to).
As for other people saying stuff about him using you to get his “foot in the door” at the company… that just sounds ridiculous, like one of those things somebody just says and it’s complete nonsense. You don’t need people getting in your ear like that – listen to your own instinct and if you can forgive, I don’t think it would hurt to try. But don’t go in with expectations – just flow with it and feel if it is working for you or not. If it feels right for you, great. If not, no problem – at least you won’t have to wonder.
I would say to never underestimate the feeling you have in your gut. One thing that I often say to Sabrina about dating advice in general is that I believe that people generally already know the answer (or what they’re going to do). So usually most people don’t need suggestions about what to do, they need to talk it out with an outside source so they can feel alright with what they already decided. And I bet you’re in that position where you’ve made up your mind (or maybe your heart has made up its mind), but you’re just not quite totally aligned with what you’re feeling. You don’t know if it’s the “right thing” to do. I say go with your gut… yeah, it’s vague advice in the general sense, but I think this is something that would resonate and make sense to you with this situation.
Here’s a closing thought… Generally speaking, people say that if a relationship fails once it’s bound to fail.
Is it true? In this case and cases like this, I wouldn’t say so. I don’t think the relationship itself failed… I think circumstances failed the relationship.
Think about it… we THINK long distance relationships will work because we have all of this great technology to keep us “connected”. We have phones, webcams, e-mail, Facebook, Twitter, etc. But nothing… nothing compares to being with that person, in person, day to day. Having them in your life.
Most relationships cannot handle a huge distance in this day and age. Large day to day elements are lost when it becomes a long distance relationship that are important. They’re subtle and fleeting and seemingly irrelevant, but they are important in the big picture.
So if a relationship fails in the context of a long distance relationship… well, we are human. Again, I am not saying that long distance relationships are doomed to failure because I’ve seen people make a strong connection and their lifestyles were set up in a way that supported the long-distance relationship, but generally speaking it’s a tougher bet.
– eric charles
Written by Eric Charles
