Ask a Guy: I’m Afraid the Guys I Like Will Never Want Me Back

Everyone’s got issues, including me LOL! Well, let me pour it on thick, and see if I can’t get a response from Eric (or anyone out there):

A little background about me: I am a 32-year-old woman whose first seemingly-healthy relationship has been this year. I tend to over-give of myself in relationships, and eventually, both myself and my partners are sucked dry by the end. I also tend to stay for years in unhealthy situations.

Background on my boyfriend and me: OVERALL,my boyfriend and I have what I consider to be a healthy relationship. We’ve been dating almost six months, and we have met most of one another’s friends and families. We see each other several times a week (most of the time), and though we don’t talk as much anymore in-between our interactions, we have a very positive vibe going, for the most part. We tend to have quality interactions – he picks me up, and takes me on dates, and I do the same. He usually acknowledges how much he enjoys me and appreciates me, and gives me his undivided attention when around me. I feel great around him, and he expresses how great he feels around me. We directly and immediately communicate about any issues we are having, so for the most part, we have open, honest, and healthy communication. So what’s the issue, right?

The possible red flags: Off the bat, he started demonstrating tons of insecurities – has expressed that he has commitment phobias (for fear of getting heart-broken – he has been hurt BADLY in the past), and he has a fear that I will ask him to let go of his lifestyle (which I do not expect him to do). He OFTEN asks if I want to break up, even if I haven’t said one word about doing so. He didn’t initially want a relationship, but over time, without my pressuring him, he began to initiate the relationship on his own. Yet, with each “milestone” in the relationship, he tends to put up walls, and send what I consider to be mixed signals.

He’s also a bit of a hot head. When I am unavailable to him when he wants to see me, he becomes withdrawn. Sometimes he tells me he’s upset about not seeing me, and other times, he won’t tell me why he’s withdrawn, and I feel like I’m being ignored. This “silent treatment” has lasted as long as two full days before he contacts me. I won’t mind-read as to why, but I don’t like the feeling of not knowing why he isn’t speaking to me AFTER he doesn’t get his way.

He rarely initiates contact anymore (as opposed to the beginning of getting to know him), and sometimes we go two or three days without contact, unless I say something. This may or may not occur after a situation where he is seemingly upset with me. Sometimes we see each other for several days in a row, and have a great time, then for another few days, I don’t hear from him or see him at all.

There was a time when he expressed how sad he felt if we didn’t talk throughout the day. There was a time when he would express how much he missed me if we didn’t see one another throughout a given week. Now, I feel he is comfortable (already) with the relationship, or perhaps, he is too “busy” to reach out to me. Even though we do see each other when we aren’t “busy,” I sense that in the interim, he is withdrawn.

I should also mention, he truly is a busy guy. He is very giving of himself to others, and he also has tons of other commitments. But, of course he was just this busy when we first met. And, the gradual shift from talking all the time to talking none of the time (except when we see each other), coupled with his projected insecurities/fear of abandonment onto me (and mine onto him), is allowing me think we are not built to last.

Now, I’ve read a ton from Eric Charles regarding how society perceives relationships, as well as why men don’t text back or become withdrawn after committing. I’ve taken all the quizzes, and while they are all extremely informative, I still feel insecure. I have taken a lot advice to make sure I’m busy with my own life as often as I can be, so that I am not clingy or needy for him to respond to me, but I have found that now I have an unhealthy view of our relationship.

Sometimes I think it’s mostly in my own head, because I might be doing the self-fulfilling prophecy thing, just expecting things not to work out, as they haven’t in the past. Maybe he’s just a busy guy…he shows me he cares in person, whenever that is. Other times, I think it’s him, because he still projects his insecurities about his past hurts onto me as well. Either way, I don’t particularly like going without seeing him for business’ sake, and then, after we do see each other, not hearing from him in the interim. I especially don’t like the silent treatment phases, when they do occur, and though I am patient and communicative about my distaste, I am not certain I need to be.

I feel like I entered this relationship very securely, but now, I feel clingy, over-analytic, and insecure. I don’t know if I am fitting a square peg into a round hole, if I need to leave him, or if we have something good, and I need to just focus more on myself and let things flow. Yes, I am psychologically doing all the things one does not need to do to try and preserve a relationship, but I just need some ADVICE that can help me make an informed decision (one that includes a guy’s perspective).

Thanks!

Hi Eric,

I have a relationship (I don’t know if you could call it that) problem that I can’t figure out and I really need a man’s opinion on the situation!!

My male best friend and I met in Uni and have been really close every since. We have known each other for seven years. While in Uni we never hooked up but we were still very close. I would often end up staying at his house and he would sometimes stay at mine. We can talk about anything and we both know everything about each others families.

After Uni both of us along with some friends moved in together. At the beginning in was normal but after a while we started getting even closer, cuddling and kissing. This continued for about 9 months until one night we ended up sleeping together. Surprisingly it wasn’t awkward after but it was never discussed properly. At the time I never thought to much of it as we were both single and having fun with other people when we were out. We ended up having to move home, but the few nights we went out we ended kissing nothing more. After a few months we decided we wanted to move out of home again but no one else wanted to, so we moved in together. After a couple of weeks into moving into our new house we started hooking up again but each time we were sleeping together not just a few innocent kisses. This has continued for months and now I find myself wondering will he ever want something more serious? None of our friends know so its like a big secret. I don’t know whether to talk to him about it because I don’t want to ruin things. We are so close, even before all this started and we never fight. Purely as a friend he is so good to me. Always buying me little presents and just generally looking out for me. I know I could trust him with anything and visa versa. Since things have become more regular between us I have only been with one other guy and he’s been with two girls. I now have started getting jealous if I see another girl trying him and I know he knows this bothers me. We have discussed our situation drunk. He says he really likes me, often says he loves me, he doesnt want to hurt me and he knows hes being an idiot. I confronted him about a girl he was with and he said please dont back me into a corner and he looked really embarrassed. He always says Im the type of girl he needs but hes not ready for commitment. On nights out he holds my hand, kisses me in public but then he seems to freeze when we bring it up like he is afraid of our situation. I know if I be honest with myself he probably wants to enjoy himself while he is young. Do you think he afraid of commitment?

We are moving to a different place in September but this time we will be in separate houses but only 5 minutes apart. Should I wait and see how things play out or talk to him?? I know if its meant to be it will be but I don’t think I can keep seeing him casually if other girls are after him.But I do not want to loose him as a friend!!! All our friends suspect something is going on and always say you two will end up married so maybe all that **** is putting him off??

I would really appreciate any advice as my head and heart are fried over this!!!

Thank you, Lulu :)