A popular question we get for our famous ‘Ask a Guy’ section is: “Why won’t he call me his girlfriend?” I am not surprised at all, this situation is the worst! I’ve been there, my friends have been there, and it’s so frustrating and makes zero sense. I mean, you’re with this guy, you’re spending a lot of time together, you are in a relationship in every single way except for the fact that you’re not technically in a relationship.
Eric does a great job explaining what might be going on in your guy’s mind but I have some insights that, although from a female perspective, will be of great value as well. A few years ago I had my heart absolutely broken. The experience caused me to completely shut down emotionally. I was aloof, I was hard to read, I didn’t get too close, I was present but never available, essentially, I was a guy (in the psychological sense anyway!).
My ‘guy’ behavior caused the actual guys was seeing to take on the ‘girl role’ and they were always way more into it than I was (this was also due to my aforementioned heartbreak which rendered me numb). My relationships at that point would go something like this: we would meet, there would be a spark, we’d hang out a few times, after a few weeks I would freak out and feel trapped and suffocated, I would then lose all interest in the relationship and would do whatever I could to sabotage it. I felt guilty but also kind of alarmed at my inability to feel anything. Eventually, I softened and started to warm up to the possibility of being in a relationship. This was when I met D.
He was really cute, really sweet, had a good job, and seemed pretty much perfect for me. I liked him a lot at first, well a lot in relation to how much I was capable of liking anyone at that point which wasn’t really that much. I knew he liked me a whole lot more than I liked him, but feeling terrified by the possibility that my heart had turned to stone and that I may never be able to love again, I stayed with it, hoping that the deep feelings he felt for me would eventually be reciprocated on my end.
We had been seeing each other for a little over a month when I sensed that my grace period was over. It was time to have ‘the talk.’ He brought up the subject casually at first, wondering if he could start introducing me as his girlfriend. I fidgeted and gave him some story about how I didn’t like to use labels and the topic was dropped. However, it didn’t stay dropped for long and soon it was ALL we would talk about. D would pester and push asking, in every way he could, why I so adamantly refused to be his girlfriend. He made some very valid points- we saw each other multiple times a week, we talked every day, we liked each other, we had met each others parents, so what exactly was my problem?
I fed him the usual crap, the sort that had been fed to me by guys so many times before: ‘I like things how they are, why mess with everything?’ ‘It’s too soon,’ ‘I don’t like labels,’ ‘I’m not ready to be in a serious relationship,’ blah blah blah. At the time, I truly, genuinely, wholeheartedly believed the things I was saying and, to some extent, they were true. I did like him and I did want to keep seeing him but the prospect of making it official just didn’t feel right at that point in the relationship and I desperately wished he would just drop the issue and let things happen rather than forcing them to.
The more he pestered me, the more turned off I got and the more I resisted allowing him to brand me with a dreaded label. I wasn’t so much flattered by his eagerness as I was concerned by his desperation. I mean, why did this guy want a girlfriend so badly? Was he bad with women? Is he so insecure that he needs a label?
I did like D from the beginning, and I may have grown to really like him if he had given me the chance rather than trying to force me into feeling how he wanted me to feel when he wanted me to feel it. Him giving me all the power in the relationship was also very unsettling. I mean yeah it was nice, but where is the fun and excitement in having someone at your mercy? I knew that I controlled everything and it was really hard to be attracted to a guy that would let that happen. I’m not saying I wanted him to play mind games, but a little restraint and confidence would have gone a long way.
While all this was happening, I couldn’t help but think back to previous relationships where I acted exactly like D. It made me cringe thinking back to how confused and desparate I felt and how I would badger the guy in hopes of getting what I wanted.
So what is it about the title? Well for me, being an official couple meant that someday we’d have to have an official breakup and I just didn’t want to open the door for anything heavy or emotional to enter my life when I was still in a pretty fragile state. I guess by not being his girlfriend, I was pre-emptively avoiding all the messiness a breakup involves. Also, not being an official couple just made me feel safe, like there was still a distance between us that would prevent him from getting too close. I was terrified to let my guard down, who knew what kind of feelings and emotions would take hold if I did? What if he made me really like him and then broke my heart (which actually happened to me in high-school and definitely had an impact). The horror!
I eventually relented and became his girlfriend. Not surprisingly, the relationship soon fell apart. It just wasn’t the right time and rather than letting things happen organically, D was hell bent on forcing them along on his designated path. I felt very uncomfortable and resentful, not to mention furious with myself for caving in which I couldn’t undo, and it just got very ugly from there.
The reason I felt compelled to share this experience is I think it may help to see things from the other side. When a guy won’t call you his girlfriend it doesn’t always mean he doesn’t like you or that he never will. Oftentimes, it may mean that he isn’t ready to commit in that way at that moment. One thing I’ve noticed is that guys don’t bounce back from breakups as easily as us gals do. They can’t just dive right into the next relationship which is why, I’m sure you’ll notice, the guys that won’t call you their girlfriends are usually still licking their wounds from a previous breakup. It is a really frustrating situation to be in but remember, it doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you or that you’re not good enough in some way. In most cases, it really isn’t you at all. If someone doesn’t want to commit, they’re obviously the one with the issues (I know I certainly was). In this situation, it is more than okay to adopt this adage: “It’s not me, it’s you.”
Are you with a guy who won’t call you his girlfriend? Have you been the ‘guy’ in a relationship? Do you have any additional thoughts to add? Well please share in the comments section!
– SABRINA ALEXIS
Written by Sabrina Alexis
