“A guy that I used to like and have kissed (years ago) kissed me one day in the midst of a situation we were dealing with. I chalked it up to an episode (random occurence). I saw him two days later and he started to kiss me in the elevator and then later when he was getting out of his car he went to kiss me again. That time, I let him get close, but I pulled back before the deal could be “closed.”
Since that time, I get no response to texts, barely get responses to calls. When he does answer the phone, he is OBVIOUSLY in the midst of something else with other people (it’s like he wants me to know that).
I want to know: 1) Did I reject him when I didn’t kiss him the second time? 2) Is this new behavior/cold shoulder punishment for “rejection” 3) Is there anything else to be said/done about the situation (is it worth a conversation)?
Also, how do I bring up that whole situation… should it be a text, an email, a personal note – it can’t be a convo because he won’t respond… especially with it being 2 months ago.”
See our guy’s response after the jump!
First, I’m going to give you quick answers off the top of my head and then I’ll give you my thoughts about the situation as a whole afterward.
1) Did I reject him when I didn’t kiss him the second time?
Truth is, only YOU can reject someone. It doesn’t sound to me like YOU rejected him. It sounds like he interpreted it that way and he is responsible for how he interprets things. These days, I would not interpret it as a rejection, but years ago I probably would have… and then I would have probably acted how he’s acting because I felt hurt, insulted and embarrassed. But again, I would have felt that way because of my own insecurities and my interpretation.
2) Is this new behavior/cold shoulder punishment for “rejection”?
Based on what I said above, I wouldn’t look at it as punishment. I would look at it as his response to feeling hurt, sad, insulted, embarrassed, etc. It’s a weird thing about people – if someone feels they’re going to be rejected, sometimes they’ll act in a way that will push the other person away. That way, they can at least say to themselves that the other person doesn’t like them because they’re acting like a jerk, instead of feeling like their “true self” got rejected.
3) Is there anything else to be said/done about the situation (is it worth a conversation)?
If you care about him, yeah, it’s worth it. How you do it is up to your personal style. As long as you can understand what I said above, I’m sure you’ll come up with the right words to make things right again.
Now, you asked how should you bring it up to him.
In this case, I would say send him an e-mail (or Myspace or Facebook or whatever you would normally send a casual message on). If you handwrite a note or make it look like a big deal, it will just make him feel uncomfortable and maybe even guilty. So keep the format simple.
If I were in his shoes, I would want to see something along these lines, “Hey, I know this is awkward but remember <fill in the blank>. I want you to know I felt <fill in the blank> and I miss you. I feel like you’re blowing me off because maybe you took my reaction as some kind of a rejection when in fact it was just <fill in the blank>.”
Now I’ll give you a weird piece of psychology: sometimes, in matters of the heart, it’s better to provoke a fight than to provoke an apology. I want to be very clear that I am not talking about all situations, but sometimes when a guy feels slighted like this it’s better to provoke him just enough to say how he really feels as opposed to ignoring you (the source of his pain) or sugarcoating his response.
Given that I told you that, I am not saying provoke a fight. I am saying that you should be aware of that fact so that you don’t make the mistake of babying him. It truly would feel like insult to injury to him if, on top of him feeling like you rejected him, you also acted like his mother, trying to baby him and kiss his “boo-boos”. When you challenge a guy, you’re complimenting him in a way because you’re implying that he has the strength to handle it. When you mother a guy, you’re implicitly insulting him because you’re suggesting that he’s too weak to handle anything else.
As a parting note, I would say that you always want to remember that when men and women have issues, it’s usually rooted in misinterpretation and misunderstanding. When you can correct it, you can clear things like this up and it can even strengthen your bond with the other person.
-eric charles
Written by Eric Charles
