Ask A Guy: Can A Girl Say ‘I Love You’ First?

Thanks so much for all this words… They have really increased on the feelings I have for my boyfriend….

I fell for him first at the working area but he never realised it.. He made me his best friend and could tell me so many things about his life, hobbies, family, all that. Could even tell me about his previous love stories… But then he was a very busy man even up to now he’s just a busy man, so one time when I resigned work because I had other things to do.. He realised he also loved me immediately i left… He could call me day after day, text and I felt so special but he couldn’t say out that three sentenced word…

So I kept on waiting until after two years of being friends is when he opened to me…. And then I asked myself could he have had a girlfriend before and they have broken up that he wants me?…

No one could give me the answer but all along he had been telling me every Lady he gets never understands him so that gave me courage that may be he’s found that I understand him better after friendship of two years….

We are now in real love, unconditional and God fearing love… I love him and he loves me too..

So I would say its better to wait for the guy to say it first….

Do it to avoid embarrassment in his sight, his friends D your

I was in a relationship with my boyfriend for 5 months and i told him i loved him first. It was the fact that i knew how he felt and i wanted him to know he meant that much to me. i wanted him to know that i had fallen in love with him. He didnt say it back at that time, but i wasnt mad or sad or anything. If he had said it because he felt obligated too, then it wouldnt of been real to me. We had talks about love before, and he mentioned that saying he loves me means so much to him, it was his promise of commitment and he was going to say it when he was 110% sure about us and our future together. I actually told him a few times that i loved him before he told me, and it was never weird for us, or anything. Besides, the relationship as a whole, i could tell he loved me even though he never said it. Actions are louder than words and if you guys treats you right and you feel that love then, whether he says it or not, you just know. After being with him for 8 months he finally said that he loved me and he knew he loved me for a long time. Ever since he said it out loud, he tells me all the time randomly during conversations or when we’re hanging out, and his actions still match his words.
I agree about looking at the relationship as a whole, but i dont think it matters who says i love you first, because Eric has a point ; saying i love you means something different for every guy, as it means something different for every girl. But if you know how you feel about someone, at the end of the day i think they deserve to know.

omg… thank you so much for the clarification…! you’re right, if the relationship is doing well we should just leave it the way it is… after reading this I realised most guys who are really in it for real, don’t “say” love out loud but instead they “do” it everyday, right under our noses. I’ve been so focused with the fact that he never ever says ILY but now i realised all those little stuffs he did tht actually mean big… and thank you for the insights of how guys actually fall in love. girls do tend to choke it down to guys and emotionally force them only to be frustrated in the end of the relationship…

He accidentally called me his “GIRLFRIEND ” it was the cutest thing because he tried to play it off cool like he never said that. We went on a movie date at movies while we cuddled then a haunted maze and was very protective. Later on he asks “what would my girlfriend like to do next”? Haha, I immediately responded what? And he said nothing sometimes I talk out loud when I smoke haha. Was he trying to get a reaction out of me?
Our actions clearly show that we are starting to fall head over heels with each other. He is trying to be patient and give me time. Should I be the one to wait and make him say I love you first and make me his gf his idea? ! ? ! ? Or am I being childish and I should I just communicate? I am a hopeless Romantic

As far as saying “I love you” and it meaning different things…how can this be? It is a feeling, nothing more or less. It is not a commitment. Well, okay, I guess I’ve said it to platonic friends, at a heartfelt moment of appreciation and warmth, and I have said it out of habit or because a friend or relative said it first; but to say it to someone your in love with in a physical and emotional way is what it is…a feeling that you want to hug and kiss and cuddle them and express your emotion by sincerely saying, “I love you.” So if someone says they love you in a romantic context, it is reasonable to assume the are feeling it, which is a desire to kiss, cuddle, hug, and express your appreciation for being able to feel these things, regardless of whether or not they say it back. It does not mean you want to get married, it does not have to last; it does not have to be returned, but if it isn’t it won’t stay wonderful for very long because it will turn to hurt. Then it is simply…I loved you once.

I feel like this article definitely helped me, I especially appreciated the ending about taking the relationship as a whole… I say I love you to my man because I know it helps him to hear it but he doesn’t say it back, which has been the source of much anxiety recently…. But I do feel the closeness from him, and know that he cares and I think this article put it in perspective as far as taking the pressure off of needing to hear it. Thank you :)

I reconnected with my first ever boyfriend from high school recently. It had been a little more than 20 years since had last spoken. He looked me up on the Internet and called. I was aghast to hear his voice after so many years, but even more astonished that all of the strong feelings I had for him more than two decades previous had come rushing back in. We are both divorced with kids, so the timing could not be more perfect to see whether or not we can reconcile. We both feel our paths have crossed again for a reason. About a year ago, I told him that I loved him and although I knew there was no way he could have felt the same (we only dated for a short while in high school), I was so impressed with his response. He was genuine and humble and thanked me for sharing. He seemed so flattered and grateful…and that was a sufficient enough response for me. We both agreed that we would just see how things go. I am so happy I got my feelings off of my chest and now he does not have to wonder how I feel. If and when he is ready to take the step into a relationship (and I am still available), he knows that my feelings for him are true. In all of my serious relationships since college, I have always said the three words first and in all cases the guys eventually came around and loved me back as time progressed. I don’t think it matters who says it first, as long as you realize that love takes time and everyone who you love won’t develop love for you at the exact time as you. if you really love the person, you will be patient and allow love to blossom in their hearts at their pace. Life is short and we often never have the same moment in time with the same people, so why not take the risk and tell them what’s on your heart. Like John Mayer said “say what you need to say.” I would personally rather tell the person how I really feel and throw the ball in their court, then to risk never having the chance of sharing my true feelings.

Hey
He’s texted me saying he loves me but never said it in person! So I don’t know whether to be the first one to say it in person or not :S

When I told the guy I like that I loved him he thanked me for my honesty and told me why he would make a bad boyfriend right now and wasn’t looking for anything serious.

He was very kind to me when I came out and got that off my chest and it bonded us even more, he listened to me and didn’t interrupt me but asked questions but was very quiet.

But as of late he’s become more nervous around me, he looks at me from across the room and looks away or will even smile or laugh if I catch him.

He will walk up to me while I’m sitting down and just stare deeply into my eyes and not say a word (his pupils are HUGE)

I will find him always being near me or following me.

He’s now become physically affectionate, warm and very attentive he’s been going slow but it’s been steady.

He was never like this before I told him I love him.
This is all very new to me and interesting.

I am mailing a guy for the past 6 months…….its long distance since we are both in different countries. He says he has fallen in love with me but I still see he is on the matrimonial site where we met. Is he fooling around ??

I’m seeing this guy….well two actually…..one professed love from the start….and wanted to commit right away…the other guy was just a fwb….i met him first and our fwb relationship was definitely a little more than that in a sense i met parents and close friends and there was quality time. But with the time being spent i started to develop feelings and expressed some of them in which he expressed the same sentiments. However because of our relationship status and his decision to have a relationship, I allowed another guy into my space and when i backed off. he joked about someone taking my attention and i told yea it was true. He got upset and i explained my reason was because of our agreement as fwbs that i didn’t want to tell im how i felt because i felt it was irrelevant but he said he felt the same and he wished i told him. So long story short, sometimes you have to throw caution to the wind and speak what you feel. Saying I love you don’t scare all guys this rule does not apply to all guys. Most guys I meet wants me to love them so to hear me say it is music to their ears. You could also miss out on something special.

If you decide to say it, say it in a straightforward way. If you decide not to say it, then don’t–not even in French while he’s sleeping, only to tell him later that you do that, as if it’s third person.

I recently said it first and he felt relieved because he was so nervous. It was the perfect timing by any means but it was in a way. I was with him staying at his parents, helping him grieve the recent loss of his sister. The day of the funeral, I told him how much I loved him. We’ve been stronger ever since. Doesn’t matter who says it first. You can tell by the way a man looks and treats you if he’s in love. That’s why I took a leap of faith

After reading this article and then the comments,I’m more confused than ever. I’ve known the guy I’ve fallen deeply in love with for over 3 years now,off and on.These feelings scare me more than I can say.When I realized I was in love with him,it hit me like a ton of bricks.My first thought was ‘No way this is happening’.He was always quiet until today.It was like a dam breaking inside him,I was amazed at how he opened up,I could barely get a word in edgewise,and the way he would look at me sent a message he definitely had feelings for me,too.I also think he is as scared as I am.He’s a good man,and he can’t seem to do enough for me.I met him at a flea market and found out he lives almost 3 hours away from me,but he wants to make the trip to spend time with me.I still don’t know whether I should tell him I love him,or wait for him.My intuition tells me he has strong feelings for me,but at the same time,I can’t get it out of my mind that he had told me 3 years ago he didn’t want a serious relationship.I just don’t know.I do want to tell him I love him,but I’m so afraid to,I don’t want to scare him off. I’ve never been good at hiding my feelings. I’ve always been open,so this is something new for me.I don’t know what to do.Do I wait for him,or do I tell him how I feel?

Eric here is a scenario Jorge and i while working at a certain company and that was 2003 we became friends, then we started moving out together, but our relationship is funny, Jorge is Cuban and am Ugandan his parents live in Cuba and only had uncles here, Before we met he had a girl friend and they broke up but at the time of their breaking up she was pregnant. He was confused because it was the least bit of responsibility he expected at the time and then his work wasn’t so well paying. He was actually confused although from the look of things, had his act together as a man. And for me then i was still pursuing my undergraduate degree, i also needed to have my stand as a graduate looking for a job and be independent. We became intimate friends with no benefits, but respect each other alot until now, he moved to another country for work but comes back home for holiday often. At some point i got a boy friend and he got a girl friend and both our relationships failed. and both of us knew what was going on in the others life. Here is a scenario we still feel the same passion for each other like we did when we first met i know i love him, but how do i tell that to him, cos its killing me inside.

This article is right on the spot. Don’t think, just go with the flow. Whatever happens goes to show how mature a relationship really is. There is bound to be a partner that has the maturity that you want. The key is look at the big picture and ask if this is where you hoped to be

I will never hide my feelings. If I feel it I am going to say it. If I feel something and don’t say it, that’s playing games. I said it free of any expectation, not to hear a return response. If in time the feeling isn’t mutual, I will know I gave my all and he just wasn’t the ONE for me.

@ montana…the situation with my boyfriend is this: before he met me he was totally in love with this woman. they hadn’t seen each other for years and then got back together and picked up where they left off. he rushed into using the “L” word and it is plastered all over one of his facebook pages. imagine how embarrassing for him that the moment he was ready to pack up his life in another state to move to be with her, she put on the brakes. she did this twice, and it broke his heart. i told him i love him and he said he can’t say it YET. after knowing what i know about this, i don’t blame him one bit. i really do love him and can read between the lines, and because i really do love him am willing to give him the time until he’s ready. i believe he FEELS it but is afraid to commit in words just yet. maybe your boyfriend has similar reasons. just an idea.

One website says the man should say i love you first and another says the woman should. who’s right?

I think more importantly is to ask, why am I saying I love you?
A lot of people express this for reassurance and have expectations. I thin personally I will wait for the guy to say it first. In the mean time, actions speak louder than words. I think a
man will better appreciate my expression of love through actions rather than words.

I think a lot of the premature “I love you’s” might stem from security issues. I can’t speak for other women out there, but for me, I’m constantly worrying about making him as happy as he’s making me, or showing him how happy he’s making me, and the easiest way to go about it is to verbalize it. The problem with I love you is that it means so much, especially when we say it to someone else. I mean, I can love my cat, my house, even the chinese leftovers in the fridge, but when I tell him, the word somehow gets heavier. It’s like it takes on a responsibility of sorts, an obligation to both you, the giver, and your significant other. It’s not about power per se, but… ah, how do I explain this.
Alright, I once had a boyfriend back in college who said those three words way too soon. As in we were only dating for two weeks kind of too soon. I was not in love with him. I mean, I liked him well enough, but after he said that and I wasn’t ready for it…well awkward is not a strong enough word.
So why do we say it? Neediness? Lack of self-confidence? Another boyfriend of days past didn’t say it until almost a year after we had been dating just because he was afraid I would reject him somehow or that I wouldn’t feel the same way. Meanwhile, I didn’t want to say it too soon either, afraid of freaking him out the way my previous boyfriend had done to me.
So when IS a good time to say it? Do you wait for him? My experience has been that girls want to say it first for emotional stability or whatever reasons they have. But before you do, dig deep inside yourself and make sure you are saying it because you want him to know and not because you want to hear him say it back. You have to have enough confidence in yourself to accept that he might not be ready to say it, and you have to be mentally prepared that he won’t return it. A lot of times it is just easier to wait for him to say it first just so you don’t have to worry about coming off as needy or clingy or whatever. Just remember he might be going through the same thing as you too, wondering about timing and such forth. What I recommend is dropping hints here and there (but not too many or too obviously!) just so you can get a feel for what he is thinking. Really though, don’t sweat about it. When you, as a couple, are ready, it will come out then you can breathe deep and not have to worry about it any more.

I commented a while ago…I said I love you first….and wanted to write again to let you know where I am. I have really learned a lot and thank you for your comments.

I made a mistake by doing that.

Granted saying it first is not necessarily a bad thing–expressing yourself is great– but often saying it quickly (ie: first) is a signal of an unhealthy mindset.

My boyfriend broke up with me in November 2010. We had a great relationship but in truth I was needy. We did a lot together–running, riding, cooking, talking, movie going, dreaming… so breaking up also represented loss of a friend. When he asked me to stay his friend, it was a tough decision. ( this could easily be it’s own blog subject!) . Anyway, I had to dig deep for my answer…over time, I agreed but had to fully “commit” to friendship in my head/heart (meaning no agenda). This required and continues to require huge discipline on my part!

The undertaking meant I had to “go in” balanced and stable –this propelled me to have a full life, care for myself, sleep well, eat well, pursue personal interests, read, have friends, etc. etc. I did that to be successful in friendship and ended up with great love.

The irony now (almost a year later) is we’re very close….not because I force it or because I title it so, but in truth. He is very open with me, very loving, very attracted to me ( I can tell, but I don’t hedge on that ). He often initiates, and speaks in terms of forever..he smiles, is affectionate, attentive and responsive.

So by caring for myself, focusing and respecting myself I got to love–in this case a good friendship but my life is better, I feel strong, and in this place, looking back, I can imagine saying I love you, but not like I did/when I did.

I consider this a life lesson.

I suggest, ask yourself before you say “I love you” spontaneously, who are you to yourself, how’s your life, what is your purpose and if any issues come up address them from a position of self-love.

I’d with the guys saying it first. I think it takes the pressure off women and the risk of getting rejected and humiliated for saying love and guy not saying it back.

Does it mean anything when a man goes from say that I love you to love you?

my situation: I was very nervous and scared. What if he backs away and pushes me away? But in the back of my mind i know he’s not going to do this. Because he would have by now because how i feel is so damn obvious. you’d have to be deaf, blind and dumb. So i was a nervous wreck when i got on web-cam with him(LDR). I find this kinda humorous. after a long time trying to say it to him, i finally said it! i covered my face and lowered my head. He very tenderly says why are you hiding from me? Is this what you’ve been worried about? You’re silly. I told him Ive been wanting to tell him for so long now. and i didn’t need to hear him say it until he was ready to say it. i believe i chose the right time for myself to say it. I know he’s not ready to say it which is fine by me, because his actions speak volumes!!

i think he will be saying it very soon.

I google searched, “what does it mean when a guy says I care about you very much” and I came across this website and read the advice on can a girl say I love you first. I liked the advice–this website’s great!

I took away a couple things: 1) if the relationship is going generally well, the guy’s satisfied and doesn’t place a lot of importance on the words i love you. That makes sense in the context of my relationship and speaking of context….2) context matters!

So here’s the context to a question (or two) that I have:

My boyfriend and were introduced by a mutual friend who used to run with each of us (separately) and connected us to expand our running circle.

We ran a couple times and then met for a glass of wine, then dinners, running, skiing, snowboarding, (amazing sex), climbing, camping, short trips…and now holidays and family affairs too for a year now. Wow. can’t even believe it. We smile when we’re together, are very compatible, bring each other new perspective which is fun, and have a lot of passion (still) too. It’s pretty awesome. We’re exclusive–that I know because we’ve had that conversation, and we see each other 2-4 times a week-altogether seems pretty “real”. I’ve never pushed to define it otherwise-nor has he, we’re generally just happy together and left it at that…..UNTIL…

The problem. I did actually say I love you first (last night) and he didn’t say it back…:( It gets worse. When he didn’t say it back, I said you don’t have to say it tonight but someday tell me you love me… : l

We woke up this morning together and either I just imagined it or it seemed like there was a lot of pressure in the air. Uugh. I wished I didn’t say it at. Until that everything was easy, sexy, and even goodbyes were smooth.

Well so I talked to him tonight and I said I think I put a lot of undue pressure on the relationship “by asking you to say you love me”. I said would you agree? (to the fact that that placed pressure on it) and he said yes.

Then he said, “you know I care about you very much”….

I said you, “it doesn’t matter” (it was a gut reaction –I don’t know why I said that ). He said, “I hope it matters, that matters to me” I said “you don’t have to say that”. He said well I do.

Question 1: What does I care about you very much mean in this context?
Question 2: I’ll probably pull back a bit now–be the same person, but won’t be saying gushy comments anymore. Is that an appropriate response or is it defensive and immature?
Question 3: How long can a relationship be generally good (very good) before a guy wants to say I love you?

for me it doesnt matter who said it first… i guess a guy can simply say that girl proclaim her love first is they feel that girls manipulating a guy, i think NO why? because we have different level of standing in a relationship. If you cant simply say it in return then don’t at least you know where you stand in a girl that you love most. Why wait for the special occassion or time when to say this… after all if that time does not come anymore (or if one of you gone forever in this planet earth :-( that’s a more regretful mistake you have ever done in your entire life. Treat everyday as special day for your love and make him/her feel that special feeling you have . Coz at least in the end you can utter this words WHAT IF? & IF ONLY? thats more painful when you dont express your self to the one you love and now all TOO LATE…

Yawn.

What’s more interesting is how girls use indirect action to manipulate guys.

The very first time I’ve been on this site, and this post blew me away! This post is greatly appreciated, it has given me a different point of view to think about, and I ultimately reached a certain piece of mind by the end of the article, and all the comments. I couldn’t add anything to the discussion, but I wanted to let you know…

Thanks so much. I hope you have a beautiful day!

Ok I’ll admit it, I said those three words first. Did it freak him out, no. Yea he didnt say it back, which was a good thing becuase he wasnt ready. When he was ready he said it. And if i guy just says he loves you because that was we want to her, I’d rather not hear it. When your man says ‘I love you’ a well-observant woman will now if he does or doesnt mean it. If you dont, then pay more attention to your guy. Every relationship is different. Who cares if a chick says it first. If you say it and he doesnt run away, good. If he stays around, hes in the relationship because he is on the verge of love, he just may not be able to say it yet.