Ask a Guy: Why Isn’t my Boyfriend Interested in Sex Anymore?

Hi im Lola i been with my boyfriend 4 months now he doesn’t seem to think sex is a drive in a relationship he feels as if everything else is what really matters and i agree but im a higher sex drive person and in my past relationships thats basically what i had sex not much more with him I have everything else but very little sex before me he was 3 years without sex and he claims sex is really not somenthing he must have a lot we have sex like 2 times a week in I wrong in wanting more sex?

For me. I choose not too. My gf have drinking problem. She doneprograms but she been sneeking drinking with excuses. I choose to just stop. I work full time. School full time. Own home. Ive have other things plus to worrie. SO to the point. It could be gf how missed up and bf don’t know how to deal with you. Cause if I kick my gf out. She be living on streets and personally it isn’t easy with that thought. I hate guilt.

Been with my fiance for 3 years now, we have a child together who is now one. Recently (about 3 months now) he complained that our sex wasn’t good enough anymore however every time we have sex he tells me that was the best! We now have sex about twice a month and only when i force myself on him usually when he is asleep….. i’ve walked in on him masturbating numerous times in the last week and i have told him why do that im right in the next room come and have sex with me. wake me up yet he refuses and says that he just wants alone time so he can do what he wants (watching porn). About 4 months ago we had an argument and he told me that he needed privacy (me too yet u have seen a human exit my body) so he took it upon himself to lock me out of his phone, emails etc. I wouldn’t mind but when i was giving birth to our child he was texting with some girl and admitted that it became inappropriate and now he expects me to just trust that he is being good. Locked out of phone and no sex ok sure….. what does everyone else think?

Thank you for writing this. I was feeling really insecure about myself but now I know it’s not me. I will be patient.

I m in relationship with my bf from last 2012….in between he get into sex relation with almost three guls wch I have knwn till date…and as I came to know about he was ignoring me and calling that guls continusli! And I tried hard to make him back to me,,,,now we are together but still I dont feel secure

So I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year and 7months now. He’s a loving and caring man and treats me like a princess. But when it comes to sexy time, it’s not the same anymore. We would literally have sex 5 or more times a week before we moved in together. Then as we slowly moved in it went down hill. Now he’s just tired or tells me I picked the wrong day. When I initiate he turns me down and then when I bring up the fact that he’s done this a couple times this week he tries to say he was going to have sexy time with me but I ruined it by complaining. The only reason he says that is because I complain about it. Other than that, after I just don’t want it anymore. I feel like I shouldn’t have to force it on him and it just hurts my feelings that he never wants too anymore. So far it’s been once a month or once every two months and I don’t know what to do. Sometimes he’ll say I don’t initiate and that’s only because every time I do I get turned down so why would I keep trying?

Thats what women get for denying us men sex when we want it. Ah ha ha ha!

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years already. Everything started in a random way because we used to work together in the same hotel, he in the kitchen and me in the restaurant. He asked me 3 or 4 times to got for some drinks with him but I was having a bad time because I had just broken with my ex boyfriend few months ago, but he kept asking me and finally we went to have some drinks together, well with more people from work. Everything was ok, I loved the sex with him and we used to have fun together. Well after few moths meeting once or twice per week, I went for holiday for 2 weeks and when I came back we saw each other again and talked about what was going on between us. We agreed we liked each other and we were fine like that, sleeping together sometimes, he used to ask me how many guys I usually sleep with, something which I found a bit rude coz it made me feel like I had a long list of guys waiting for me!. Well everything was going well until I’ll say, we decided to be a formal couple, because both of us we had had bad relationships in the past and didn’t want to go too fast, that was in November or December 2013. About 2 months later, it was 2014 already, we stopped having good sex and everything started being a bit boring, however we met more frequently and started spending more time together more like a couple, I mean, have dinner together, go to the cinema and all this stuff, everything was nice and i really liked it because I always had lack of this things with my past relationships in which the sex was really good but I didn’t feel happy because I always felt they didn’t give what I wanted or what I needed.
Well, it has been like that for a year already, he is lovely with me, gives me cuddles, looks after me, buy me presents, calls me and texts me everyday. Well everything looks like is perfect but we do not have sex for around 3 or 4 months, I don’t even remember last time. Last times we have had sex, it isn’t good at all, because it was like I forced him to do it, and I feel terrible for that and I’m not happy 100% because of that.
So, it has been like that for a while, and I do not what to do. I have spoken with him and I tried my best, my it is not easy for me to talk about this stuff because my first language is not English and I have to be careful about what to say and how because I do not want to hurt him at all.
Well, the reason he always says it is he is not happy with his body because he got fat and he doesn’t want even to be naked in front of me. I like him even if he is a bit fatter but all this situation makes me really frustrated. I used to think there was another girl or something like that but the thing is he doesnt have even time for that and I really belive he is not this kind of gusy who cheats girls, at least he doesnt look like. After many times having conversations about this issue which it looks like it is just something I can see because he apparently is ok without sex. Well I have been thinking about what I should do and if I should just break up and stop trying and trying, but the thing is I like him, I like many things he does to me and although he doesn’t like talking about his personal life, the fact is most of the guys are like that and I believe it is something you cannot change or expect he changes, the fact is nobody is perfect! Haha.
The thing I do not know what to do, because I really thing he is a worthy person and he obviously likes me and he doesnt want me just because of the sex like I always thought when guys were with me. He gives me many things that nobody has given me so far, but the weird and unbelievable thing for me it is he can be in bed with me and I can be almost naked or wearing nice clothes and he is not horny at all and I think I could put my boobs or my ass in front of him that he didnt re

I can only say this;
Ive been to hell and back with a guy that is still living a lie; we had great sex a few times; no oral; he can only enjoy doggy style sex….
a cheater; a closet case gay! Im highly sexual; if i can get sex every day…yes; i kicked him out needless to say…the pathetic loser!! if a guy doesnt want sex….just know….dont be naive….they wanckers or gay!!

We’ve been dating for almost 11 months now. But just this week, He said that he doesn’t want to have sex with me for the mean time.I asked him why, and he said that it’s because of his insecurities. He said he was getting insecure with my ex boyfriend because I had sex with my ex boyfriend first. I just don’t know what to do anymore. We’ve been having sex for almost a year and then he’s just gonna shut me off just like that? I mean he should’ve thought of me not being a virgin anymore the first time we had sex right? Why just now? :(

Hi I really need advice.
Me and my boyfriend have been dating for almost 3 years. We first met when I lived on my own. He stayed over all the time. We had amazing sex. Sometimes 4 times a day. Since moved back home it all stopped. I am 22 he is 25 (if this helps). I ask him for sex I come on to him and he always brushes me off. He either waits for me to go to bed when I stay over and fall asleep then he comes to bed. Or he says he is too tired. It been making me so upset. Before we started dating he told me he stopped having sex with his ex girlfriend because she gained 30 pounds and he didn’t find her attractive. I was extremely skinny when I lived on my own. Since then I gained about 10 pounds. I am 5’6 125. Still fairly skinny. We been having fights over this because I feel like he doesn’t love me. I don’t even know what to do at this point. He shows me no affection he doesn’t kiss me I have to kiss him and he never says I love you first. He only says it back.
Please help :( I love him very much.

When he broke up with me I said he was making a mistake, that I was going to miss him and that he broke my heart. To which he responded he will miss me too and also said he loves me ( was in love with me at one point). I told him I respect his decision although a mistake but that I was moving on… That was a week ago… Have not spoken since… Is there a chance of re-attracting him? He broke up with me cuz he lost physical attraction and chemistry I should also add his mother was diagnosed with cancer around the same time we started having problems

I have been dating a guy for 3 years. When we met we immediately connected although people often have commented to me “I never would have put you two together”. He is into motorcycles an hot rod cars. Has maybe worn a suit 3 times in his entire life and would be considered what most people stereo type as a blue collar worked. I am college educated, work in management, tend to dress a little classy or professional as some would call it. I dont have a “type” of guy. I take people for who they are and not the stereotype applied by others. When I met him he immediately intrigued me although I did not feel I was his type. He seemed to date biker chics and that wasnt me. From the very beginning we did not have a great sex life. After about 3 months we stopped having sex however at that time I didn’t realize I would be saying 3 years later we still do not had sex. Of course I am asking the question many of you may be thinking “Is he gay?” I have read until my eyes are poping out of my head on that question. He does not have any tendancies or any of the signs of being gay. When I have asked about the lack of sex many times he just blows it off and says he is tired but lately we had an argument about it and he said he was not sexually attracted to me… and never was. He looks at women all the time. He seems to have a type. The skinny trashy bar women. I’m not being ugly. That just seems to be the kind of women he always looks at. I am not skinny however I am not fat either. I am actually a very pretty woman. That is not being vain, only recognizing that men find me very attractive…blue eyes, blond hair, tall. etc. When I asked him why he had been with me this long and not sexually attracted to me he said “because I love you and I couldn’t imaging my life without you, but I cannot give you what your looking for. I am not sexually attracted to you”Prior to me, my boyfriend has not been in many long term relationships. A friend of his actually commented when she met me for the first time that it was odd to see him with a woman because they rarely did. I am struggling with several questions. Is He gay? Should I ask him? Is he really just not attracted to me but not gay? Why would a guy be with a woman for 3 years and not attracted to her?

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half, he has always had an issue with sex, and how often we do it. He always makes excusses why we do not make love often, he says that maybe he needs to see a doctor as he may have low testostrone, but does nothing about it. I have noticed that he has several sex porn sites that he is a member with, so does that mean he does not like me?? . On the odd occassion that we do have sex, which can maybe a week, two or three times in a mnth he only has very basic sex, no oral, touching, just intercourse. Am i feeling sad over nothing, or has my boyfriend got an issue.

Girls, all of you: Just Stop!!!! Stop overcompensating, stop overfunctioning, stop trying to make it work, just STOP! Take a deep, deep breath. Exhale. And take a step back. Let go. Men are the one who want to hunt, who want to conquer you. You, my dear friends, have become easy and overfunctioning. Please, girl? You massage him after work, you cook, you do all the housework? You are the perfect little darling housewife. Please…. Do not be that! You owe it to yourself. Do not be that.
Remember: what is it that fascinates you? What is it that makes you happy? How do you feel as well? Really take care of yourself. Feel your feelings completely. Let him know in: “I feel…. ” statements, trying to keep it to yourself so not like: ” I feel YOU ARE ABANDONING ME”. But, “I feel alone..”.

then focus on what fascinates you, get a hobby, find a source of joy, date yourself! Or date nice handsome men (no sex), flirt with the guy at the supermarket, buy yourself or make or rearrange some new clothes, visit friends you haven’t seen in a while: take care of you.
And while you are at it, get yourself a mind blowing sex toy and start watching or reading or writing any kind of erotica and perhaps porn (although this is a bit too mind numbing) for your own personal pleasure.

So become more self sufficient, radiant, happy, without expecting your man to do this for you, but communicating your feelings in utmost intimacy. Men do not want the “perfect little darling housewife”, they want : YOU. Just you, in all your vulnerability, in all your sadness, happiness, joy and pain. That’s why they married you. So stop hiding yourself away with your good behavior and talk, be intimate with each other.

Intimacy is the best and only real

I googled “why isn’t he having sex with me?” and this came up. This makes me understand a lot more of what might be going through his mind. I mean I was starting to feel very unattractive. Here’s a little back story. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years we love each other very much and we have a five and half month old. He works a very demanding job and he always comes home exhausted. There will be a week where like this one we haven’t had sex in almost a week. And the same like others he’ll only have sex with me to shut me up and then I won’t have sex with him because I know that’s the only reason. I have tried to pawn it off on age we’re eight years apart. I just had a baby so I feel it’s my body. I’m told all the time that I’m pretty and attractive but there are times that I feel like the ugliest woman in the world. I guess at the end of the day could it really be that his exhaustion is a factor? I mean even if I’m completely exhausted I still want him. I constantly remind him how gorgeous I think he is and maybe I shouldn’t because I don’t want to make his head big. Oh I just wanted to add I’m a stay at home mother. I cook, clean, take care of our son. And when he gets home and the baby is down I scratch his back or massage him. Make sure that he’s comfortable always. I honestly don’t know what else to do. His sex drive is so limited most the time. I mean I’ll ask him and he always says the same thing ” Baby I’m tired” it just makes me want to cry. So I’ll pretend that it doesn’t bother me and say ok go to bed good night and scratch his back. Ugh I don’t like feeling so rejected. I guess most of this was to vent. I’m a little embarrassed to talk about this to my friends. Writing this down kind of makes me feel ridiculous because I truly want to just believe its his exhaustion but could it be something else?

We have been married for 45 years and it has been a horrible marriage. Were only married on paper, physically we aren’t married at all. Since our wedding night there hasn’t been any sex,intimacy, communication, love, togetherness just plain nothing.. Husband sleeps down stairs in the basement in his own lonely world, I have the upstairs. All these years and I haven’t figured out what went wrong, this confusion drives me crazy. He won’t talk to me and if I try to talk to him he ignores me and walks away. I haven’t the means to leave, I have no kids, and my friends won’t take me in. There isn’t enough money for both of us to separate. I think we would both end up sleeping under a bridge some where down town.

This has been a great read for me, i have been with my bf for about a year now, he was always abit of a player when i met him tho he seems to have somehow settle with me, were very much in love and get along extremely well. Though like many of the articles here he started off all strong and passionate and lately has really cooled down, were still close to eachother though he doesnt seem to have the sex drive he did when we first met. Yes as the previous articles states i believe it may be due to stress as he did recently change jobs so this may be more on his mind, though im scared that maybe he needs that excitement… something new. I hate feeling rejected like everyone else, and have actually started to give up on trying to have sex. Hoping that things will change and pass. We have spoken about this and he said he had this problem before when he was in a previous relationship with another girl after a few months. I honestly dont know what to do, i enjoy his company so much i dont want to lose him, he said he still finds me attractive and is happy with me. I try to keep things spicy though its hard when the other person seems content without much sex. He still watches porn…. so what is it??

Seriously…the best article ever. I really thought I was losing my mind…I’m in a long distance relationship with a man who has A LOT on his plate…kids…stressful job, etc…sometimes, we only see each other once a month, and, I wonder…why aren’t we ripping away at each other? With 4 kids between us, it’s a challenge anyways…but, I thought he simply wasn’t attracted to me anymore…thank you for this perspective.

I’m so glad I read this article. It’s 4:08 a.m . And I’m literally laying in bed furious! My bf and I just had an intimate encounter and he tells me afterwards he wants to save himself for marriage -____- . We’ve been together 8 months now and talking for over a year. It’s not like we started in the relationship with this “no sex before marriage” concept so why change now?? But reading your article made sense to me in a way because he was recently fired from his job and he’s trying to get back on his feet. I really hope he changes his mind on the whole thing honestly

PLEASE I NEED UR HELPPPPP !!!!

hello all, first of all i am a female,20 yrs…. i’ve been with my boyfriend 5 years :).. and we are really having fun together, and he loves me so much and i do ofcourse..

2 years, he asked me to do sex with him, so we did it but lately he didn’t WANT he kept giving me excuses like um tired , i want to sleep,….etc and i felt like an IDIOT because i was the one who asked, second because i was REJECTED.. i rlly at this time feel so bad. i miss him .. i really do. AND THE SURPRISE, is that he doesn’t want that as we are not a married couple.. so he said ” let’s don’t do it.. that’s better,,we are not married” .. so i ignored the story and i stopped asking him to do sex, after a couple of weeks he asked me to do it and i said yess !!!!! and after then i asked him he told me no and he said “i do miss u too, but let’s just forget about it..that’s better.”..and the story goes on like this..untill now i am the one who asked lately and he refused.. so why did u ask me last time ???????? i am lost ! i dun know anything !!!!!!
MY QUESTIONS:
does he refuse as we are not married ?
does he refuse coz i asked him (i mean if i just ignore he may come and ask me like he did before)?
or he is not interested in me anymore?
plz tell me how to deal with him plzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
HINT: i do trust him and um sure that there is no other girl in his life :)
thank you for ur care !

It sounds like your boyfriend needs to move on. If his feeling have hanged then maybe the person he needs to be honest with….is his own self. He needs to realize that the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. That means if you were dishonest in the past you will be in the future. It appears he is just allowing you to hang around because you are the better of the two evils…….with the other being just being single and dating. He seems to be preferring the “known” quantity of “you” and your dishonesty to the “unknown” of the dating world. He ore than likely is trying to find your replacement before he send you on your way. The problem is this could last for years, which is a huge waste of time for both of you.
You an not have good communication IN the bedroom if you do not have good communication OUTSIDE of the bedroom. When he stopped trusting your words he also stopped trusting your “unspoken” words.
Men need to feel safe just as much if not more as female do to facilitate their sexuality.
It appears he does not feel too safe with you any longer.

It has been some time since the original post, however I felt the need to put in my perspective regardless.
If any women out there consider what facilitates orgasm for them they may come down to a few basic needs. A feeling of safety and relaxation would be two of the big ones. Now if it is easy for a female to tell us what makes her orgasms possible is it possible for them to understand that men are truly no different.
And also, why is it that females just simply can not get it thru their heads that it is not THEM that is no longer attractive or failing in stimulating him.
Why is it that women keep saying they want more than sex but then when sex becomes less frequent or stops then suddenly all the other things they said they wanted seem to become drastically not important?
I know more married women who are with husbands that are pretty worthless, and are none of the things women keep saying they want….
and yet when I ask…
“then why are you still there??” they will say “well he has sex with me on a regular basis”
So seriously…..I mean….seriously.

I’m so happy i found this site, i’ve been with him for almost 8 years now. We just broke up few days ago. It’s heart broken, never felt so pain before. I didn’t actually know what he’s really thinking until i’ve read few of the stories here. after i moved out from the house, we misses each other like crazy, both of us didn’t eat well, didn’t sleep well. He didn’t have a proper career for the past 6 years. He’d tried to worked so hard, but luck just wasn’t there. He used to provide everything for me. and since his career went downhill, i’ve became a provider for the past 3 years. I’m always there to spiritual support him, encourage him, but we both so stressed and unhappy, we started have sex lesser, spend time together lesser. Everyone ask when is our wedding day. You see, not just money, stresses, wedding, sex, every little thing adds up. I wasn’t very happy with our relationship because i was really stressed out but i hang on there. As i think he can sees what killing our relationship, so He thought through and dropped a big bomb, asked me to move out, he said he’s confuse, he not sure his love for me as a lover or family anymore, he thinks our spark gone, because we been living together for so long. Here’s his profile, He’s 37, just found a potential job a month ago, doesn’t have any properties, zero money in the bank. He’s kiwi, living in Malaysia and i’m malaysian. He always tell me he hang on in malaysia because of me. I’m truly believe he is a proper guy for all these while. When he tried to break up with me, he told me when he sees other woman he’s horny, he doesn’t loves me as his lover blah blah blah….. after few days, he seems a little nicer to me, he said he’s so stress, he cant commit to me, he doesn’t have money, he tried to protect me so been apart is what best for us now. He’s miss me, he has feeling for me. Ask me to be strong, he cares about me a lots. When i don’t expect him to call, he calls. I’ve become so insane and i cant help myself to message him to say i love him, miss him, all these making me so obsess so crazy,it actually scares me, I’m totally devastated but having hope at the same times. I’m totally week and getting insane…..i know all i can do is just wait, give him space. But by waiting i cant help myself having hope, at the same time i’m not sure what he would decide, i wont be able to handle another heartache from him, i would go psycho…..what should i do……

This article was helpful. I’m 21 and my fiance is 22. We already have a 2 year old together and i’ve been feeling like he isn’t interested in me, but after reading this I feel a little better. He has been laid off for about a year now and now that i think about it, these issues started when he got laid off. I just don’t know what to do. I hope that he can work it out and that we can start planning a wedding soon. I would hate to become a single mother, especially when I am so madly in love with him.

Thanks SO much for this article. It is nice to hear from someone besides my man that this might indeed be normal behavior. When we first met we went at it like bunnies, but things took a dive after a few months. (Being unaware of his outside problems, I half-jokingly suspected he might be gay or cheating!)

Now we’ve been together for a couple years, and I understand the sources of the problem. It hasn’t gotten better, though. How long do you think a woman should wait? I have a healthy sex drive, and although I’ve gotten better about not taking his reduced libido so personally, sometimes I miss being able to have sex more than once a month (if that).

It especially drives me nuts when all my friends whine at me about how much their boyfriends/husbands “bug them” for sex! I can’t bring myself to share MY problem with anyone. It is very isolating.