What’s the deal with guys and porn? My boyfriend and I have been together for a year.
I get that guys watch porn I guess, I will never understand it, but I’ve grown to accept it.
But how much is too much? Is there such a thing? I’m not going to lie, it does make me uncomfortable.
(Note: I have edited this post over time, as my opinion has evolved as society, the internet and porn itself has changed. Please allow me the space to express my full opinion before jumping to any conclusions. I wanted to preserve many points that were made here while also adding greater context or an outright new outlook on what is covered in this response.)
When you get down to it, you have to realize that men are biologically different than women, as is what they respond to sexually. What men respond to and what women respond to is massively different. I’m not saying there’s no overlap, but it’s more different than it is similar.
There’s all sorts of evidence for this – I mean, for one, look at porn consumption. Around 2009, my general sentiment was that men watch porn, women read it (romance novels and “Fifty Shades of Grey” could be classified as a type of female porn.)
Men and women are turned on by different things because of how we’re wired by nature. We never chose it and neither did women.
So when you say that you don’t understand why guys watch porn, well, that makes sense. Clearly men and women have different internal responses in the realm of sexuality.
Now, with regards to the porn itself and your relationship, I want to cover two different questions: 1) Is porn a red flag in the relationship? And then, 2) Does a guy watching porn hurt the relationship?
We’ll cover the “red flag” aspect of men watching porn while in a relationship first.
When women ask me questions about men and porn, what they’re really asking is, “Is he looking at porn because I’m not enough?” or “Does his porn habit mean that I don’t turn him on anymore?” or “Is his interest in porn a sign that he isn’t satisfied in the relationship?”
At the core, the reason women ask me about men and porn is because they want to know if it’s a red flag about his feelings for her.
So here’s a few things to consider…
First off (this might sound a bit crude), men have to get the poison out. I’m not saying a guy has to have sex, but if he doesn’t ejaculate after a certain amount of time, his body will do it for him. That’s what a wet dream is – you’ve got so much man-batter in you that you ejaculate in your sleep.
I can’t speak for a woman’s experience, but nature has instilled men with an insatiable urge for sexual release. One “load” from a guy has enough sperm to impregnate a country’s worth of women and men are “ready to fire” at least once a day…
If he’s got a good amount of testosterone going through his system, his level of sexual desire is much higher than the average guy. Diet, muscle mass, heavy weightlifting, etc. are all factors that contribute to higher testosterone and, simply, the higher the testosterone levels, the higher the sex drive and need to “release”.
On one hand the ever-present desire for sex and sexual release can be pleasurable, but on the other hand it’s inconvenient and uncomfortable. Then add a layer of the shaming our society likes to put around sexuality and you can understand why men run to their private porn retreat… they want relief from the throbbing, relentless biological cravings.
When a woman really realizes the biological burden (and secondary social-shame burden) men walk around with, you can understand that a man’s sexuality is something he has to deal with and take care of frequently. It has nothing to do with love… or his feelings for you… or the quality of your relationship…
… and it has everything to do with his own personal biology.
If you’ve read other things I’ve written, you’ve seen me say that for a man, love and sex are two totally separate worlds in a man’s mind. If you are concerned about the state of your relationship, then look at how he’s relating to you, not his porn consumption.
Let’s talk now about porn itself and whether or not it’s hurting the relationship.
As I mentioned earlier, my view of porn has evolved since my original writing of this article about porn itself and its effect on a relationship.
A comment that has been made is that masturbation can be considered natural, whereas porn is not natural.
With each passing year, there is an ever increasing amount of research that shows the negative effect that porn has on the brain and the body. There are people who have devoted their entire careers to talking about the adverse mental, physical and psychological effects of porn, so I am not going to attempt to do that here as there are others who have done a far better job than I would.
I would name a few of the negative effects of porn on men here, including (but not limited to) erectile dysfunction, lower testosterone, depression, lower motivation and the inability to be sexually stimulated without porn.
So if you were to ask me if a guy watching porn hurts the relationship, I would answer yes because it weakens the man and diverts energy that could be going towards improving the relationship.
Quite frankly, couples do better when their sexual energy is directed towards having good sex with each other. Good sex within a relationship does much more than just serve as momentary pleasure.
Unfortunately, that’s not how sex is portrayed in our current culture. Sex is very psychologically powerful, but it is portrayed in public forums (media, social media, memes, etc.) in a very casual way.
Porn itself is beyond abundant on the internet, in varieties beyond what you could even imagine exist. So with the casual attitude we as a society currently have towards sex and the abundance of porn, I don’t think men release the harm that porn can cause to their mind, body and psyche.
People generally understand that fast food is unhealthy and, if you eat too much of it, you’ll have all sorts of health problems (with getting fat being just one problem among many).
People don’t have the same attitude towards porn that they have towards fast food.
In fact, I would admit that a decade ago, I felt that people who were against porn were just stuffy, boring people who didn’t want anyone to have any fun. Then again, this was an era before everyone was walking around with a high resolution, high-speed porn downloading device in their pocket at all times… and more porn than a person could watch in 1000 lifetimes.
A little porn won’t destroy a relationship, just like a little fast food won’t make an otherwise very fit person obese. However, if fast food or porn weaken a person and implant cravings towards consuming more of the junk, then the discussion is less about how much a guy is consuming and more about what direction that person is headed… and will they consume an ever-increasing amount or will they recognize that it’s degrading the quality of their life and cut it out.
To say it succinctly: Porn is bad similar to the way that junk food is bad.
In a relationship where a guy is watching porn or eating junk food, the hope is that they can recognize how it hurts them and hurts the relationship.
As a partner, the hope is that you can find a way to compassionately understand that porn is an industry (just like fast food) whose very financial survival depends on exploiting human weakness for their own profits… and that there’s room for sympathy towards the men who are consuming it.
I bring up having sympathy towards men consuming porn because it’s not going to persuade a guy to stop watching porn if he’s met with blaming, shaming and condemnation. Looking at the situation from a place of sympathy and compassion is a much better way to view the situation and see how the subject can be discussed from a place of love and partnership.
In a loving relationship, it’s easier for a man to see porn as something he wants to give up if he views it as something that isn’t worth the greater cost to his health, his relationship and the quality of his life in general. This realization can be brought about through love, understanding and compassion, whereas being blamed, attacked or judged will likely put the guy on the defensive on the subject and sow resentment on both sides.
As a final note on porn, relationships and sex:
Sex is powerful. Unfortunately, in this day and age, you are on your own to view sex in a healthy way within your relationship and life in general. Popular culture, social media and media is not going to give you a view of sex that will lead to happiness, success or a functional lifestyle.
Then again, our culture and media won’t give you a healthy view on anything important: money, success, sex, love, commitment, family, etc. All of the most important parts of life are trivialized in popular culture with shallow, cynical punchlines, then the focus is brought back to encouraging people to chase a never-ending carousel of empty pleasure, selfish attention and impotent complaining.
We live in an environment that runs counter to what will bring us peace, fulfillment and well-being. It is up to you to figure out what will lead to a functional, successful and happy life and unfortunately that virtually guarantees that you’ll have to reject a lot of what is portrayed as normal or popular in today’s culture.
We are forced to and if we want our relationships to work, we must do our best to support our partner in surviving within the current age. Now is not the time to blame or condemn others, especially our partners. We must find a way to communicate and reach each other through love and sober, peaceful expression.
Despite the warped view our current society has on sex, I would say that having good sex is important in your relationship, but not in the way it’s portrayed in Hollywood or music. Having good sex has many great benefits to a relationship, so it makes sense to value good sex and support good sex within your relationship.
Being in good shape is part of good sex, so I encourage men and women to live a healthy lifestyle with exercise and fitness. Not just for the aesthetic elements like looking more attractive and “hotter” sexually, but also because it will make both of you feel more confident, happier and more energetic.
Good relationships have all sorts of outside factors working against them, so in today’s world we need to have an almost heroic mindset towards having a good relationship. We have to view our partner with compassion and understanding that they, too, are living in a world with negative forces, structures and factors pulling against them and exploiting their humanity in innumerable ways.
If the subject of your partner watching porn makes you uncomfortable, I can understand that. With all of this said, my only hope is that if you bring it up as a subject with him, you can have that discussion from a place of love and compassion, not condemnation, and see porn as something that steals from him, not as something you resent him for looking at.
Good luck and hope it helps,
eric charles
Written by Eric Charles
