Ask a Guy: Is Being Too Direct A Bad Thing? post image

Ask a Guy: Is Being Too Direct A Bad Thing?

by Eric Charles

I’ve been talking to a guy for a little over a month but we have not officially met up (I actually met him about 5 years ago through a friend but we were seeing other people at the time).  We have talked about getting together, but have yet to actually set a date.

Our main form of communication is via text message, and we’re skirting on the border of friends and more than friends. About 2 weeks ago, I straight up asked the guy I’ve been talking to/flirting with if he just wanted to sleep with me. I’ve noticed that any time I’m very direct, his answers are kind of vague.

I’m guessing he is unsure of what he wants but I’m just wondering if being direct is a bad thing? Don’t men usually think women are overly complicated?


I don’t really look at that question as being direct.

The way that your question communicates to guys is: “I’m afraid that you’ll hurt me and use me.”

I mean, think about it… of course he wants to sleep with you. He’s a guy.

So the only really meaningful part of that question is the word “just”…

When you’re asking a guy if he “just” wants sex, you’re implying that he has intentions to take advantage of you and is some kind of scumbag. It can put a guy’s guard up.

Plus, in order for a guy to even answer the question of what he wants with you, he needs to spend time with you. Interact with you. And see what your chemistry is like: emotionally, physically, personality-wise, etc.

You can’t expect a guy is going to know any of these answers of how things will play out until you spend time together and see how you are together.

You’re right when you say that he seems unsure of what he wants, but there’s no way he could be sure of what he wants with you yet.

The only honest answer any guy could give is that he wants to spend time with you and see what happens.

Now in the broader sense, I don’t think that being direct is a bad thing. For example, when a girl is texting me dirty things about what she’d like to do that evening, I am very pleased with her directness.

But when a woman has some kind of fear or hang-up in her own mind and she interrogates me about my intentions, then I want no part of it.

It looks like a direct question, but it is actually neediness being projected onto me when really it’s something the woman should be addressing within herself.

For where you’re at right now, I would just say if you and him are interested in each other, you should go out and see what the chemistry is like.

I’ve always been able to tell the type of guy who really truly just wants to sleep with a girl, so if I can tell, I’m sure you’ll be able to tell.

To put it in different words… if you take personal responsibility for all your actions in your relationships, you’ll never have to worry about a man “just” wanting you for sex.

Give it a shot and worst case scenario you kick him to the curb and move on. But spend some in-person time together first and see what the chemistry is.

Hope that helps,

eric charles

Written by Eric Charles

I'm Eric Charles, the co-founder and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing articles to help people free themselves from suffering and have clarity in their love life. I have a degree in Psychology and I've dedicated the last 20 years of my life to learning everything I can about human psychology and sharing what gets people out of struggling with life and into having the life they really want. If you want to contact me, feel free to reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

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24 comments… add one

Leave Your Comment Now...

Sean

I’m a guy, and I would love if a woman asked me out. I certainly love it when women say they want a relationship in general. I am openly looking for a relationship and someone I can spend my life with. There is no point in wasting one’s life saying or pretending otherwise, if one truly wants a relationship. I don’t consider women needy at all if they say they want a relationship and to settle down. Mind you, we all want different things, and I personally don’t want kids. We are also in different stages of our professional and personal development. But I think it is important to try to understand one another. I also understand that some people are just really uncomfortable with this approach, and that’s okay. I am just not right for them and they are just not right for me. But I won’t change this approach, because doing so has only led to frustration. I realize how short life is and what I want in life, and so I am not worried about coming off as too needy. I’ll find someone who wants the same thing and will pair of with her and be happy.

Reply September 28, 2020, 5:14 pm

Tiffany

Is it bad to ask a guy what he is looking for in terms of dating? I asked a guy this because I don’t want to waste time w someone who is looking for casual sex. He said he’s open to anything and asked me the same question and I said I’m looking for a relationship. My friends told me this was bad, but it doesn’t mean I will want one from him, it just means that’s my goal

Reply April 13, 2017, 5:00 pm

mere

I met a guy through Bumble, and went on a date. I had no expectations for it, and it turned out pretty well. He was a gentleman, and nicer than men I typically dated. Anyways- he knew he’d be leaving town the next week and was sure to arrange a date for the following evening, which again was great. Since then, he’s been in constant communication, and has taken me on another date (3 in 5 weeks). However, while he’s mentioned past relationships, he’s never said he likes me. And in the past 2 weeks, would constantly say, “we needed to make plans” for the upcoming week. He stressed how busy he was at work but never followed with a, “it kills me that I can’t see you.” He went back to Boston for Thanksgiving, and often mentioned getting together before he left, but again, didn’t come through. As he will be gone for 2 weeks, I pretty much assumed his interest had waned. However, he continues to text me, ask me how I am/ what I’ve been up to/ send me pictures of snow in Boston, etc. I have been seeing other people casually but am interested in investing further with this man. However, I am not interested in having a pen pal. I’m thinking that I will delicately inquire about this, what do yall think?

Reply November 25, 2016, 2:48 pm

mere

Today he texted me again chit-chatting about when he would be returning home and I decided to cut to the chase (delicately) and said it would be great to see him when he returned though I am unclear whether he is interested in doing so. He hasn’t answered. I shouldn’t be stressing over this guy who clearly wasn’t into it, but did I make a mistake by pushing the issue? Or is it better than continuing on an emotional rollercoaster?

Reply November 25, 2016, 2:49 pm

Sean

You did the right thing. You were respectful, but also were straightforward about what you wanted. Keep that valuable trait, because guys like me would love that in a woman, despite the fact that some other guys won’t! Be yourself and simply say what you need. The right guy will respond positively to your bid for closeness and will honor it. Best of luck to you! – Sean

Reply September 28, 2020, 5:17 pm

The Jester's Blog

Even after coaching people on dating, I still find myself struggling to decode the underlying meanings of things women say. I would define being “direct” as saying anything that does not require further elaboration, which would be a breath of fresh air in any relationship as long as it was done with honesty and compassion.

I also like the defusing of the cliche excuse that a guy might be out “just” for sex. To link sex with deceit is like building a house on no foundation. Sex is amazing when done responsibly between two genuine people with mutual intentions. And sex should always be something lingering in the minds of two people dating, otherwise they’re not attracted to one another.

Reply August 7, 2012, 9:47 pm

Cara

In June of last year I was introduced to a guy through my co-worker. We began talking & texting. I was unaware until he told me that he was 26. I, at the time was 34. Nonetheless, we enjoyed very much talking to each other & finally we agreed to meet each other. We hit it off instantly. In the back of my mind though, I kept saying he is way too young. Although, he is ver mature for his age. I looked at it as having a new friend. We hung out more & texted each every day. One thing led to another & around the 3rd month talking & hanging out, we had sex. It was amazing. From that point on we were together almost every day OT every other day. We had amazing chemistry & felt so comfortable with one another. Still, I felt like I needed to end it before I got into him even more, mainly because of the age factor. So 1 week before my 35th birthday, I told him I couldn’t do this anymore. He said that he too kept thinking it wasn’t fair to me. He revealed he did not want long term right now, I couldn’t see us working out. Of course, I did end up drunk texting him a week later & he said he was thinking about me everyday & missed me. He made the comment that he would make me his wife if it wasn’t for the age. This confuses me. I do want so much to make it work with him, he does have a lot on his plate, he works two jobs that are both demanding. He said he constantly worries about the future. Weeks have gone by and we still communicate. He wants to hang out again. I know it will be hard for both of us to not want to have sex. I want more with him, but I’m not sure he is. He said I always made his bad days good, & misses the companionship we had. I am dating other guys, but I’m still hung up on him. He’s the first connection I’ve had with anyone in 5 yrs. Very confused as to what to do with this dilemma!

Reply January 12, 2012, 7:36 am

Ceris

It seems like a lot of people here are in similar situations and trust me, I know exactly how you feel!

Dating is hard and working out the opposite sex is not something for the faint hearted!

Eric is so right about neediness and self consciousness. It’s not attractive and doesn’t appeal to men. I have noticed that I mans approach to relationships is often a lot less proactive than women’s and unless they meet someone who is truly unbelievable they would happily continue along their paths until they bump in to the woman of their dreams.

Women tend to have a much more proactive approach to relationships and can often spend far too much time looking for ‘the man of their dreams’ and not enough time enjoying themselves (not all women obviously). I know I can often get caught up in this too, but I have learnt that the important thing in a relationship is to love yourself first before they can love you.

See yourself as a ‘prize’ for men. If you don’t think much of yourself then why should they? If you think they ‘just want you for sex’ then it’s possible you will attract people who are only interested in sex.

I have found that the best way to avoid these people is to make it clear from the beginning that’s not what you want. Make it clear that you know you are worth so much more than that and that if they are looking for a casual fling then they are looking in the wrong place. Say this in a way that doesn’t make you look vulnerable, but confident in your belief that you are nit short if admirers and his time with you had an expiry date! Man up or move on!

It’s hard to act confident if you don’t feel it and laid back if you are dying for him to say ‘you are the woman of my dreams, I want you!’ but I guarantee being confident, independent and looking as though you aren’t short of other admirers will drive him wild! He’ll think that his time with you is limited and he will just have to have you. If he doesn’t then just remember you are a confident woman and if he doesn’t want you it’s because he simply wasn’t able to handle you! My moto is ‘you don’t want me? Ok… Next!’

Just my opinion. Other people may think it doesn’t work, but it has made me a lot happier in life and in love :)

Reply October 15, 2011, 5:52 am

Out of Curiosity

Amen!!!!!!

My motto is if you don’t want me fine, I’m sure someone else will. Cheers.

Reply December 5, 2011, 1:00 am

Jane

Great advice! This is a good summary of all you need to actually know.

Sometimes I’ve made it clear I don’t do either ‘friend dating’ or ‘casual’, and they still carry on nonetheless without being fair, trying to keep it unemotional but continuing to contact or do the minimum to see you, giving you a bit of hope. I guess I can try to re-iterate the original statement and continue to accept other dates and invites. :) Thanks

Reply June 20, 2014, 7:23 pm

happy_Chrissy

I met a guy last year thru a social function where he wanted my number last year. Last year, he texted me to hang out since we all were going to be in the hamptons for the holiday. He brought his friends over to the house that my friends and I were staying out and he ha never hung out like this before. We had a great weekend. After the weekend finished, I had texted him that we should do this again and he replied absoultely. Well, I didn’t hear from him and this was last year. I just saw him again this August where he didn’t bring up why he did not call and of course, I didn’t either. However, he did not leave me alone at the function that we were at, he was by my side the whole time talking to me, wanting to know what was going on with me, and that he would not move back to Long island, unless he was getting engaged(where did that come from?? i have no clue.weird..) Anyways, till this day, he does not initiate text, he only responds back to me every time I text him and he texts me back all the time very quickly; within 2 minutes..I do not get him? Maybe he is shy, I do not know? Why bother texting me back if you are not interested and why not just ignore my text or just tell me he is not interested??? PLEASE HELP!

Reply October 7, 2011, 7:17 am

Jody

Don’t know how to help you, as I’m in the exact same situation. I was seeing a guy for a few months, chemistry and shared interests were awesome. He took me home to meet the parents…and then disappeared, until 3 weeks later I asked to be friends, and now we are? But he never initiates contact and always replies back right away.
I think these types of guys are afraid of commitment and so are keeping an emotional distance/controlling the relationship this way. Either you make the effort and see if he finally becomes comfortable with you b/c you don’t freak him out, or you move on.

Reply November 23, 2011, 10:02 pm

Out of Curiosity

After almost a year of no contact… I would say keep it in the friends zone and don’t bust your arse to talk to the guy. He’s flakier than biscuits.

Reply December 5, 2011, 1:03 am

jenny

LOVE STORY… HAPPY ENDING OR NO?
on august 18 2008 miguel alked jenny to be his gf by phone. it was his first gf. they only had seen eachohter for 3 days and they went out after that. they were so in love that they would even get made fun of in church and in their homes. sometimes they would even get in trouble at church for being “to in love” they texted eachother everyday. 3 years later shey wold have arguments. jenny would want things her way. and once he inveted his gf to go to his mom wedding so she could renew he vows. she couldnt, jenny said that he couldnt txt her al all. bc she was a very pride person in a bad way. miguel would snet her txt such as i love u ect. and she would reply saying to not txt or she whouldnt call him. later he sent her a text that he wanted to brake up. she called until he answerd and he explaind that he was tired of her acting mean. that nigth jennies mom called miguel. he explaind what happend and she agred but she said either if he would help jenny out with their relationship or he had to completely forget about her. at the end he took her back. a monht later jenny noticed he wasnt loving as before. she kept asking and asking what was wrong. all he would say is nothing. then she aksed him again. he had told her he didnt love her anymore. jenny decided not to fight and said ok. during this time jenny had a health problem. he stomach grew largly. she tough it might had been bc of her period. and she knew she wanst pergnant bc she and her bf are absitence. one night she couldnt help but think that the guy she had so much in common and whom she loved and thought he loved her had left. she began to feel worse. she didnt eat for 3 days and bacame dizzy and felt like vomoting all the time. that same night her dad took her to the emergency room. they had givin her a CAT scan. they found out she had a cist that coverd her whole stomach. they had said that she was going to need a surgury to remove along with her ovary since it came from it. a day before the surgury she called her ex to apoligize since her mom had sent him a mean txt the day they broke up. she explaind what happend and he wanted her to call him asoon as her surgury was done. when she did they talked he had told her that he loved her. and said that he knows it might b confusing to hear that but he was going to lwt her know when he meant it. soon they became freinds with benifits on that day. they talked and soon they attented the same college. they are talking huging kissing and he asked her out. jenny said no bc she didnt want to seem desprate. he said that he would try again… but now amonth has passed and he hasnt asked her yet. the other day she saw him coming out of class with a lady. she didnt see her but by her voice jenny thought she might have been young. she got jeaoluse. and mad. but then it passed.he knew jenny was there. but he still showed her affection.. however. she notices he dsnt ask her to call him or anything. and on phone he treats her normal. he said he would make her fall in love with him much more than she was now. but for jenny it dsnt seem like he is trying. what should she think what should she do.?
help me decide. is my love to big for him?….

Reply September 28, 2011, 4:24 pm

CONFUSEDWOMAN

Okay So I have a question Eric, there is this guy whom Ive known for some time now…meaning I worked with him ages ago and have seen him after few years this year.
He is smart guy, understanding seems caring…very direct though. Meaning in my standards, I prefer smart educated good looking confident men.
We met twice, the first time we just talked casually but the second time we hit it off and were at his place doing things. Now I haven’t ever done this before, meaning its my first casual sex encounter. So for me this is something new and totally out of my norm.
After that session, its been almost a month now, I’ve been busy with my life and I am assuming so is he…I didn’t get any response from him if this is will ever happen again and plus he hardly texts back or speaks to me online. I only get a hi once in a while when we are online…wanted to know if the moment is just done and hes moved on or what…?
Could it be to the fact that I am someone new, maybe its me being new to this, we haven’t spoken about anything else and perhaps hes really good at hiding his emotions and feelings. Oh yes I told him that I was new to sex. I feel like hes is backing off assuming for some reason that I will get emotionally attached. I tried calling him once but I didn’t get any response back. Should I leave it and try my luck elsewhere? Or give him a chance to call and take it from there if he ever does so?

Reply September 20, 2011, 11:59 pm

elizabeth

Hey
I meet this guy in church and he keeps flirting with me he has already told me that he likes me, but he said he likes my but, and my legs.
I asked him what else and he said because i think i like you
I’m not sure if he means this.
The part I’m worried about is that i think he is a player, and he actually went out with one of my friends from church.
Does he just want to have fun with me?

Reply September 13, 2011, 2:00 am

Some girl

Quite honestly that’s not a good compliment to give a girl that you just begin to show will interest to. “You have a nice butt and legs,” are sexual conotations. Hell the butt is part of our sexual parts. What I’m trying to say is that he is only thinking of you sexually. If he can’t stop being sexual with you, that’s how you know if the guy is really playing with you. In other words he’s just being a whore.

And you can’t make a whore into a housewife. The same things goes for guys.

Reply September 15, 2011, 7:36 pm

Cathy

I am in a very complicated relationship with a guy and have been for about 2 years. Previously he was my boss at work and we became involved when I was going through my divorce. Because of our relationship, I lost my job and have been going back to school while he has supported me. We grew very fond of each other and have a very close connection, however things are very complicated as he is married. The biggest challenge he faces with his divorce is splitting his assets. He stands to lose a lot of them in his divorce. He says he is not happy and plans to file for a divorce in November after the election. He is a very political figure in town.

He moved out of his house last September to be with me and rented a place for us. He has been married for 25 years and has no children. He works very hard and spends a lot of time working. It does not appear that he has had any kind of intimate relationship with his wife for years and really has no interest in her that way. He has moved back and forth for the past year 4 times but has spent most of the last year with me. A lot of people already know about us including his wife, but he is trying to be discrete now until after the election because he does not want to create anymore negative publicity.

He says he cares for me very deeply and we have a great connection. We don’t fight and get a long really well. We enjoy each others company. He has told me a few times that he loves me, but does not say it often. The part that bothers me is that he remains in contact with his wife even though we are living together, and she still texts him and tells him good night. The last time I questioned about it he said he was not responding to it. I don’t want to be controlling, so I have decided not to act like it bothers me anymore, but I get frustrated as I really don’t like sharing with someone else.

I am wondering if he will file for a divorce or if I am wasting my time hoping that I will eventually be with him permanently.

Reply September 6, 2011, 6:01 pm

Adeana

Hi i have a question and i really need an answer. There this guy that i like so much but he have a girlfriend, he knows i like him and he said that he like me to but for some reason i dont think that he do. we have been seeing each other almost a year now. we have been seen each other day and night until these businessy ppl round here start to tell his woman that we together and we is go , so we had to slow down on seeing each other for awhile but then on the other hand we still talk and up to now we are still seeing each other . do u think i should give it a try by trying to get him people keeping telling me if u like some one go for it u mite just end up doing a better job and the thing that puzzle me do he really like me or its that he just wanna get in my pants. CASUE I CANT GET OVER HIM AND I TRY TO MOVE FORWARD BUT ITS NOT HAPPENING PLEASE HELP ME OUT

THANKS

Reply August 18, 2011, 2:39 pm

Some girl

Can you please edit your question first? Not that you can’t write, it would just be better if you first re-read this before posting.

So what I got from your commet is that you’re seeing a guy is off the “market”. Which also means that to see you he might have to lie about being MIA to his girlfriend… not a good sign. Especially if he sees you frequently. Pretty much if he’s treating his girlfriend like this, how are you different? What if this was you? Does he have a frequent history of doing this?

Obviously this guy should not be hanging around a girl that has a crush on him because it only spells out trouble… some idiot he is. You are obviously not a moron because your insticts on sensing his bull shit is correct. He’s a lieing scumbag. If he is conning to his girlfriend he will con you too.

Try to look deeper then the shell of this men. It may look pretty before the shit hits the fan. If this guy can’t break up with his girlfriend, he is a coward.

Reply August 21, 2011, 6:03 pm

Britney

Hi i came across your website because i have been in dire need of relationship advice, from a credible source. As i can tell, you seem to know what you are talking about so hopefully..you can help me out with my situation. I obviously do not expect you to return my message but if you can at least try it would be a great help.
I dated this guy for 2.5 years, we had an amazing chemistry and we both loved eachother very much. It all ended when i found out he had been “bored” and complained about fighting. But the main issue, the one that he still brings up to this day is he says he felt “suffocated” and locked up. He broke up with me. It has now been 2 years. He has kept contact with me for the entire time and neither of us have dated anyone else. We had the dreaded “ex sex” for 2 years and got nowhere in terms of getting back together. It seemed like everytime we got close, he would get scared and pull away. He knows that is what i really want as i still want to be with him. Recently during one of our phone conversations he got defensive saying “im not locked up i can do what i want” and it caught me off gaurd. Obviously i am aware we are not in a proper relationship but it still hurt me. A couple weeks later, my birthday passed and he COMPLETELY ignored me not even a message to say happy birthday. I messaged him and he messaged me saying we should go our separate ways. I am confused, what is going on? All he said was “Im sorry for ignoring your messages I know its immature i can’t help it. But we should go our separate ways. We will meet again sometime soon. Love you.” A few days after I messaged him that i was confused and
He said we will find eachother again but at this point it is necessary we go our separate ways.

This has happened before where he said he doesn’t think we should talk but it usually lasts max. a month and he starts talking to me again.

Should I move on? Im still crazy about this guy but it seems we haven’t moved forward and i don’t know if he has commitment issues or if he actually used me for 2 years.

I apologize for the length, i didn’t want to leave anything out.

Please help, I would really really appreciate it and i really need this advice.

Have a great day.
x.
Britney

Reply August 18, 2011, 1:18 pm

somsomy

Hi, not sure i understood whats happening in your situation, but i fell like i’ve been through something similar.
The thing is, I was always there for him, whenever he spoke to him, i would always reply back… like he knew i would always be there so he didn’t need to try.
Make him work for you!
I treated my man like i needed to bottle him up and keep him safe or else someone else would take him. If he even looked at another woman (even a colleague), i would go insane! But i realized i just need to focus on me, and let go of trying to control the situation. If he wanted me, he needs to know I have a life, and it doesn’t revolve around him.
And the change in his attitude isa complete 180!
I would suggest trying to date other men, not to forget about him or move on… If you don’t want to move on, you can’t force yourself. Date/flirt/talk/make eye contact/smile at other men to remind yourself that a man can and your beautiful and attractive and your life revolves around making yourself happy. Do something for yourself, like paint, take up yoga, learn an instrument, try different cooking methods, start a journal, etc… Keep YOURSELF front and foremost in YOUR life…
He will feel the change in your attitude and realize your a woman that he truly wants to be with! If he doesn’t, don’t be surprised if other men come around!

Reply August 19, 2011, 11:47 am

Nicole

Hi there, I hope nobody minds if I put my two cents into this. I agree with some of this post, Somsomy. I agree with the fact that most guys like to have their space and surely don’t like it when us girls get overprotective or- one of the dredded words- NEEDY. But you seem to be taking the road of manipulation. That’s not good.
Love games, as stated elsewhere in the “Ask a Guy” Q&A mode, will break a wonderful, opertunity-filled relationship. Plus, trying to make someone pine after you is just plain selfish. If you look at 70+ year relationships, you’ll notice how content these people are; they trust their partner enough to take off any mental or physical leash that might have been on before. Unless given pliable reason to not trust someone, always give them the benifit of the doubt. Look at it this way: if we go through the door scared and defensive we’ll never truly see the beauty of the room, will we? Don’t set the bar too low, but don’t expect the moon in the beginning of a relationship. Don’t expect the other person to only look at you, heck my own mother oggles men on the tv even though she’s married. And yet I know with all of my heart that she loves her husband to pieces.
Have you heard the phrase “do unto others as you would have others do unto you”? I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t particularly love it if I was trapped in a binding and manipulative relationship riddled with mind games. Might work out in the movies, but manipulating your way through love is not going to end happily.
And to Britney, don’t go after someone who doesn’t appreciate you for you. This thing you’ve gone through seems like a complicated mess if you ask me (you didn’t, but oh well ;D ). He’s probably right in saying you need to separate a bit. Tunnel vision impairs your life and your heart. Go out and skip around the pond for a bit, see what you like and what you don’t. Don’t completely forget about him, but try and let go. Stop thinking like “HE has commitment issues” and “HE used me” because that’s a bit immature. IN FACT: stop the blame game all together! Just believe that it’s nobody’s fault as the first step and go on from there.
I apologize for the fact that this has nothing to do with the topic (“Is being too direct a bad thing?”) and that it can be taken as quite rude. Also, this is my opinion, you don’t have to do anything with it. Thank you for reading this awfully long post and have a nice day. :D

Reply September 20, 2011, 5:20 am

somsomy

I disagree with your assertion that what I’m doing is manipulation; I’m just taking care of myself. And most men like to know that their woman can do that, but choose to share that life with someone.

Reply November 25, 2011, 8:09 pm

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