Ask a Guy: The More Distant I Act, The More Interested He Becomes

Thanks, will keep my distance. I don’t want to be attached to a man anymore, clearly they cant ve trusted with our feelings.

hey
This is j from Philippines. Working here now in Uae..
I am encourage to reply coz I’ve been reading your mails recently and I’m intimidate in it..
I’ve met this guy when I am in distress also from past relationship. My friend introduce him to me coz he also just divorce from his wife and we are both broken hearted. Finished contract and looking for a new job here in Uae. Well that time I don’t have any plan to open my heart again. First is we became friends but he told me in the first place he like me a lot but he respect me so much.
Suddenly, days we always see each other and he is always with me in times of my darkness I didn’t know that tears replace with happiness and laughters. He give all his time for me. Meeting me always even if I did not request to meet him. Giving me flowers and chocolates even no occasions, he’s making it always special for me everyday. Chatting and calling all night like there’s no tomorrow. Exchange pictures sometimes if I failed to reply he will call me. And when he miss me and cannot see each other-he even make vid call in whatsApp. A God fearing,family oriented,very responsible and all. Like he’s the guy I’ve been waiting for like I don’t want to let go of him.
And I didn’t even notice myself that I’m starting to like him. Then he courted me again,,,we fall in love and start a new relationship. Times and days pass we are very happy and full of love.
Then day came when he get a job and suddenly things turn out differently he changed a lot. Like he don’t have time for me anymore, communication breaks, he’s not calling me an chatting me like he used to before. Not even saying goodmorning nor goodnight or even bother to ask if I am still alive When I ask him what happen he just told me family problems her daughter is sick, mother got an operations and also brother and so on.
At first I tried to understand him NCOs of work and also family problems and all. I support him with my presence I did not failed to chat him encouragement messages and cheer him up when we see each other once in a week.
But time goes by our relationship turns very dry. Dry which is I don’t get any reply from him anymore even if he already reads my messages sometimes taking 2-3 days and when I will open up something between us he suddenly vanished from chats. We started fighting, arguing and jealousy. Months we are not seeing each other. He will just chat and ask if he like. Now the responsible,caring and loving man I know is gone. He keeps telling me that no matter what happen I will not give up coz I still care for you. But why he’s doing this to me. He told me that we both have different attitude, different brains. Yes I admit sometimes I am selfish I want more attentions and sometimes moody and keep changing minds but I can changed. And now I am so much sick that I even got admitted to the hospital but the worst pain part is not that I am sick but because of he didn’t even bother visiting me in hospital. But he’s sending me messages and my friend asking how am I., but for me it’s not enough I want his presence.I don’t understand anymore. He just said he will visit me one day coz it’s his off and he wants to see me he should be there for me coz I am sick and saying sorry — suddenly no chats and I told my friend to chat him he just simply reply he is with his friends. It hurts too much that I almost fell out in bed. The man i adored,loved And give my broken heart to fixed it is gone.
I am tired now begging his attentions and time and like I almost want to give up. Many nights and days that I always see myself in tears. I give him enough space he wants but still same like this everyday. Relationship can’t be good if only one is trying to make it good and that’s only me.
He really changed I cannot understand him anymore. Last time he chat me and told me he felt bad not seeing me,,, he misses me more and more everyday but better to be alone so no one will get hurt and angry if he cannot chat and call. Why?? How??? What??? Too much questions into me which I don’t know what to do,, I am not asking his whole time but why like this? He spoiled me with love and care and now he suddenly changed. He don’t want see me in tears and pain but that’s what he’s doing to me right now. Now I even try not to make contact with him anymore not be affected. But it’s very hard.
I miss the old him.. I want him back but I don’t know what to do.. Please help me..
I want our relationship back. The happy and full of love… Me and him…
Hope I will get any advice from you on what to do…..

I’ve doing talking to a guy for a while now. He told me that he likes me which is a good thing. The only problem is he is my brother best friend

If women would stop having sex with these guys none of this would be happening. Wait until the guy falls in love with you. Sex is not love ladies.

Men can get sex so easy these days why should they commit. I have numerous male friends that get laid by the third dat. Often the first. Men wanted to commit so they could have sex. Now they don’t need too.

I was seeing a man for 6 months when something like this started to happen. I felt like we were getting very close. Since the day we first met we had been in contact every single day and saw each other 1-2 times a week. He was opening up about things to me and things seemed to be heading into relationship territory. That is what I felt at least. We had a discussion about it that spanned over a couple days and he said he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me (or anyone). After accepting that I couldn’t change his mind I told him I could no longer be friends with him as it was too painful. I stopped talking to him and this lasted about 4 days before he sent me a text. He said he was giving me “space” but he just had to tell me something (insert irrelevant excuse to text me). He ended up saying he missed me and hoped we could be “good friends” again soon. I originally told him I didn’t want to be friends with him so why does he think this is an option? Also, why did he text me in the first place? That was really unexpected.

Ask a Guy: Friends With Benefits Rules,
This article makes complete sense, but why would anyone want anything more than to stay in the “sweet spot,” male or female? I personally thing being in a relationship ruins the relationship. That said, I don’t like the term friends with benefits because that to me implies, you’re not really attracted, just 2 horny people who are friends and just have sex for a physical release because it’s convenient. I personally don’t have any desire to have sex with my friends, just as I had no desire to have sex in my committed relationships. Even the I am a woman, I like the sweet spot too. Only problem is that the relationship commonly described as friends with benefits, to me, should be “lovers.” But, it’s just semantics, I guess. I also think that compartmentalizing, as one would have to do to keep sex and “love” separate may make commitments unsatisfying and partners pining for someone else. Otherwise, if the passion is so fulfilling, why would anyone want to end it? I personally have never had a satisfying sexual relationship when I did not feel love, or at least feel like I feel love–which amounts to the same as far as romantic feelings and passion are concerned. Incidentally, married and long term committed people seem more like friends to me…kind of boring, like brothers and sisters or roommates. There is a commitment so you use each other, maybe, but many people just lose interest in sex altogether. After a while, the passionate kissing stops, then you’d rather sleep alone. The libido just disappears, buried perhaps. So my point is, why does everybody want to ruin things by getting committed? I stayed faithful in my heart and physically in an uncommitted relationship, simply because the passion never died for years…he on the other hand ruined it by getting in a committed relationship. So it’s over. I was the other woman and didn’t even know it, till I found out. People are f…d up if they get committed when they shouldn’t. I think commitment is just not for everybody–not that people have not necessarily not found the right person. I loved my lover–whether what he felt for me he defined as love or not (I suspect not since he never said he loved me). I loved what he did for me–what he gave me as an incredible unselfish lover. I love my friends as I loved the men I have been married to. It’s not always possible to have both. Frankly, if I want a companion, I’ll just get a roommate. A lover is far more precious and rare, though temporary–but then again so is everything.

I’ve been dating this guy for a year now. At first we jumped into a relationship pretty quickly and I was super needy (horrible on my part but I just gotten out of a marriage.) Eventually we split up but quickly started dating again because we casually hooked up.
I realized a lot of my mistakes so I have given him space and time to let him and even myself, do our own things in life but to be exclusive.
I stopped pressuring him into a relationship, but I’m confused on where he’s at on “us”. He’s had me meet his family, our toddler son’s play together often, and in a few weeks we’re going on a trip with his family for a week (that he invited us to.) People started referring to me as his girlfriend but I feel awkward because he doesn’t. I’m not sure what to really think about at this point, however I don’t want to label us as anything, so I can respect him and his space.
He said a few months ago that he wasn’t ready for a relationship because he has commitment issues, but he’s never been with anyone but me this whole time we’ve been dating, and we communicate pretty well. But he said past relationships have been horrible. However, he’s acting like we’re in a relationship. I would just like another perspective on this matter.

I have been dating this guy for 1 year 4 months we were fine until now he started acting up after I look for a job for him he is now working I think he is cheating because he asked a space I didn’t want to accept that but then I let it be now he always want to know what am I doing if he sees me somewhere he will ask me were am I coming from we did keep this relationship a secret because no one didn’t know about it but he cant cause people can see that something is going on between me and him and he also have that jealous look when he sees me with people.
I just want to know if he love me or not because I am getting confused. we were always fighting and now I just answer him when he asked me something some of his friend know about our relationship. so now someone did ask him if he is dating me he didn’t answer them and he ask me if I did tell them something I said no and I ask him what did he say he say he was shocked he didn’t say nothing and the people says that when ever they ask him about us he is always blushing.
please help me on this to keep this relationship.

just tell her where she stands with you, instead of of hoping to hold her in ‘stasis’. then she and you can both movie on (assuming she isn’t cool with ‘stasis’); she to find a deep and lasting relationship and you to find a willing partner for your once a week ‘booty call’. so what if you lose your ‘comfort zone’ with her; she’s already losing her chance for something real with you. you’re both better off parted.

this comment thread needs editing options.

Ok, I’m going to start dating and talking to other guys like you’ve suggested I do. Do I tell him I’m dating? Or do I say I have other plans when he asks to do something with me? He’s been showing more interest since I’ve backed off, so this is my next thing. I just want to make sure I’m doing things right. Help… Thanks, Erika

Dear eric blessings to you and your crew. You guys do an excellent job. I am new just recently started receiving emails as I did one of your quiz and as you and sabrina stated what works and what does not you guys nailed it. I am a virgo with moon in cancer and he is pisces with pisces moon venus in aries. OMG what a challenge but I am doing what you guys said and it works thank you thank you. It is a long road but after 7 years we are making it happen because our LOVE overpowers everything. GOD BLESS YOU SABRINA YOUR FAMILIES THE PEOPLE AT NEW MODE AND THEIR FAMILIES

I had to comment on this because everyone seems enraged that how can guys do these manipulating things and we, as females, are looked down upon for getting upset over it. plain and simple. It’s not his fault. It’s ours. The only person responsible for our own emotions are ourselves. No one can make you feel any way that you don’t want to. Blaming men for hurting us isn’t correct. We hurt ourselves by allowing our minds to be consumed with negative thoughts. You control your actions and reactions to every situation in life. Other people can’t make you feel a certain way. Only you can. If we all learned to control our emotions and realize we all have amazing worth in this world there would be less anger, hostility and broken hearts.

He’s RIGHT!!!! I’m award winning proof that once you move on with your own life that’s what makes them realize what they lost! “Like they say you never know what you have until it’s gone.” =p And just look at it this way after you’ve done that… Don’t move on for the guy to come back move on for YOU!!!!!! Make yourself HAPPY :)

The only problem with pulling the plug is if you are an honest person to begin with, then pulling a plug means pulling a plug and nothing else. When I pulled the plug on my last relationship, I had made up my mind. His throwing rings at me din’t change any of it. I am not American, so maybe that’s it.

Hi! I’ve been playing this cat and mouse game with a guy for two years. I’ve kicked him to the curb several times, at which point he tries real hard and I give in.

When you say to “be clear with what I want”. Do you mean articulating this to him or just back off and let him figure it out?

On point, as always. Thank you! Your articles are very insightful!

I think the author of this article makes an insulting assumption about women–namely, that we are all trying to prod, cajole, and force a man into a relationship like forcing a large foot into a tiny glass slipper. This is assumption is wrong because many women like myself have no time, no patience, and no desire to force men into a relationship. I’ve no interest in dragging a kicking, screaming, unhappy man and chain him up for life; I am not cruel and it is not worth my time. Many women are only interested in finding out if this man and relationship can be “salvaged” and if not quickly move on. We don’t live in Victorian times, where making a “good match” is critical for a woman’s economic well-being in life. Now, making a “good career” is the most important thing. As a result, marriage is not as important as it once was and if a woman really wants a child, there are always fertility clinic to help. So, please provide women with some real, practical advice that we can use–this man we like doesn’t want to commit. Can we change his mind? If yes, great tell us how. If no, fine, don’t sugar-coat the answer. Just advise us to move on. My time is too precious to waste on flip-flopping indecisive men who wants “stasis” either you want to marry me or you don’t . The less time I waste on him, the more time I have to find the guy that does want to marry me.

I’m in the same situation right now. Met a guy on a dating site and we’ve been going out for 2months already. I’m only happy when we’re together but when we’re apart its like as if we didn’t know each other, he changed a lot we used to text almost 24/7 when we first met. But he changed a lot now we’re only texting once or twice a day, but its ok I understand.. I am just confused if he really likes me.

Thank you so much for this article. It articulates exactly the phenomenon I’ve encountered and struggled with my whole life. A man knows exactly how much you’re worth to him before he ever even walks over to talk to you, and he’s only willing to put in exactly that amount of effort (whatever he perceives that to be) to keep you in his life. If you value yourself more than he does then nothing you do or say will change his mind, and it’s best simply to move on as soon as possible.

I find this page so interesting, I m really interested in gender research. Having read a lot of this posts, it just seems like our society pushes women into the idea that all they have to do in life is having a relationship and men on the other hand just prioritize living casual, looking young for about 50 years and maybe having some women and maybe children at the side but they do not waste a grey hair on them,cause that s women s duty. If women werent pushed into this female related idea that relationships, family, kids , motherhood and what not was their ultimate responsibility in life, this website would give desperate men some advice. Dont waste your time with figuring out how to find a great man. Figure out how to educate yourself, find a good job ( more women in leading positions), go out with girlfriends, have poker weekends and spa time and find happiness in yourself and the life you were given. We re past times that marriage and family is the one social construct, look at divorce rate now that cheating is not socially acceptable anymore.. Get out there and live life.. like men. And do not waste your energy, youth and spirit trying to please a society created idea of what it means to be a woman.. teach your daughters and grand daughters too!

I have aquetsion for you, Eric. Do guys negate entirely the idea of wining and dining a woman when they agree that the relationship will be just casual and a “hook-up” in nature? Most women, even when they realize/know this is just relationship of the moment would love more than just a strick booty call. Would guys be scared that this might be misinterpreted as courting her?

I know I’m resurrecting the comments in this page but I can’t help but wonder…

You stated that if a girl can’t read a guy then she probably shouldn’t get into a sexual relationship with him, but in all honesty if we could read men… you would be out of a job. Your board would be dead. So it’s safe to say women don’t know how to read men (well the women who come on here anyways).

I’ve been talking to a man for 6 weeks and dating for 5 weeks. I haven’t had sex with him and I’m not rushing into that because I know how I operate. I’ve only been with 2 guys sexually because I have to invest my hear to lay down with a man. NOT that I’m saying if a girl is sleeping with other men right off the bat they are wrong. Different strokes for different folks.

My question is if I stated to the man (if and when we decide to become intimate) before we start the act to say hey I know I’ll fall and I will want something more than just FWB scenerio. So before we go there you need to know that and be at the same place I am. If not we can continue with being friends and seeing each other casually.

Is that wrong? I can’t be wrong? I saw before you stated if a woman waits for that magical moment to happen then we are pretty much kidding ourselves. I’m not envisioning rose petals to pour out from the ceiling while we are intimate or anything like that, but I think waiting to have sex (for me) is beneficial and does make the act more…well intimate. You know about each other more and value the person more rather than what’s between their legs. As a man…what are your thoughts?

I think what some women find offensive or an act of deceiving, is when the woman pulls away and starts to move on (because the relationship isn’t fulfilling her needs) you stepped up and acting more interested to keep her at bay so you don’t lose her. But you can’t lose what you never wanted. She obviously was over the situation so honestly in my opinion you should of left her alone. Because in the end you stepping up to her again will make her confused and will allow her to think your genuinely interested in her and not her vagina (sorry to be blunt, but I don’t sugar coat as well). I’m not saying that is your intention, but as a female that is how we will read this type of behavior. I’m not saying your a bad guy and should be flogged in the gallows for your behavior. Again that is your life and the woman you were with life. Just letting you know more on an analytical way than emotional way.

Well this is a first for me. Been seeing this guy for about 3 months. He told me he had a friend in another country from the beginning. The friend knows nothing about me. Maybe I am stupid. I did not realize his definition of friend. Tells me I am not seeing anyone else. Ask me could I love him forever. Ok humm. His friend get cancer and her mother is dying. WTF??? Ok I am still breathing. Ok I am thinking maybe they both with die (O that is soo bad)… Tells me he made a promise to her but won’t tell me what the promise is. Ok.. I don’t think it will work “it will fall flat on it’s face” Ok, so does this mean I am the back up?? In the beginning he called and texted me every day. Now it has been 2 day nothing. He did not answer my last text. I have made myself not text him. We are usually together on the weekends as we live 50 miles apart. Tomorrow is Friday. So what do I do if he calls?? Or what do I do if he don’t call?? I know I must must not call or text him. I am preplexed? Suggestions??

Hi, Eric
My problem is that the more distant I become He will be more far from me.. If I don’t message or call he won’t seem to be bothered… He will just message me once in 2-3 days and just ends up after few texts… So i will message him or call him daily but sometimes i feel i am losing my self-respect by doing the things opposite to my character…(coz i am not a type of girl who initiate conversation with anyone).. and whenever i quarrel with him, He won’t talk until I message or call again… Recently I had a fight and from 2 weeks I haven’t spoken to him… even he hasn’t… I feel he is not into me… What do u suggest me to do??

Oh, just to clarify, by my last comment, I certainly wasn’t referring to you, Cass ;-) you sound quite switched on. I too am yet to come across a single female soul who believes with her heart and soul in the ‘hookup’. I believe that women that pretend to be ‘cool’ with such a situation are not being honest with themselves deep down – especially if they are keen on the guy. A lot of it comes down to low self-esteem in women, when they are prepared to take a guy’s ‘scraps’ as opposed to standing alone on their own two feet. A life without affection at all sounds scary, right? But isn’t being completely single, clear-headed and holding out for true love a better option that being treated less than sincerely? Yes, many guys will try the ‘hook-up’, of course they will, but it’s up to any self-respecting girl to create personal boundaries for herself, to be able to logically and emotionally size up the situation and decide whether it is likely to be a healthy experience for her in the long run. If one takes a step backwards and views the situation a little more analytically, it becomes clearer. Love is there, and that’s the ultimate goal for most people, but it requires patience and a bit of discrimination. Enough of the ‘imaginery relationships’, as they will just do your head in.

Not to be funny about it, but reading some of the women’s angst on here it is obvious that many are suffering from low self-esteem and clinging onto dysfunctional and dead end ‘relationships’. You would have more clarity and understanding from taking a step back and pretending it is a 3rd party with the same situation. ‘Imaginery’ reationships – not fun. Empowermenrt and respect for oneself is about learning which situations are healthy for the human heart and which ones hinder it. Suggested reading: ‘He’s just not that into’. Brutal advice, written by a male co-author. Sometimes ‘tough love’ is needed. The bottom line is if he doesn’t call…or text or email (in this crazy modern day world) he’s really just not inspired or interested in you enough. Even the shyest of guys pursue what they want, so please stop making excuses when the interest lags or is non-existent to begin with…

What is the point of a ‘hookup’ scene? Sex, sex, sex…is that the end all or the be all? Usually both men and women (and emphasis on women) alike end up feeling pretty empty when they realise that sex outside of a solid and enduring emotional connection is not all that it’s cracked up to be. It’s a temporary euphoria or act of physical passion followed by a lengthier sense of emptiness, similar to taking an ecstasy tablet, and realising the temporary high you had is not only unsustainable, it is followed by a earth crashing reality check when you realise your emotions are missing the orgasm that your body might (or might not) have had. When two people are having sex without having made the strong emotional connection that lucky couples in healthy relationships have, it leaves them with a stronger sense of yearning for that missing element, than if they had of stayed celibate and unobstructed on their path to a more meaningful, true love.

Sorry Eric. I should have prefaced everything with thanks for your honesty. And I completely agree that women who want a relationship should just say so at the appropriate point (instead of blaming the guy for using her) while men who don’t want a relationship should just say so at the appropriate point (and not keep doing the back and forth to hang onto the sweet spot). It’s amazing the crazy sexual things that people can do with one another but simple discussion about what is going on often feels, well, inappropriate.

It’s hurtful because it’s totally manipulative. Look at what Eric says: “At that point, I start thinking I’ve gone too far. I’ve pushed her away and now I’m going to lose her. I start putting in more effort… my goal being that I’d like to return to “stasis” – that perfect sweet spot of comfortable company and sexual satisfaction without having to tie myself down to any relationship.”

He’s intentionally modulating his presence, his effort, his affection to return to “stasis,” a state where he gets sex but no relationship.

What Eric doesn’t understand is that this is just like any other form of manipulation. Trying to twist someone into a “stasis” that suits his needs and his needs alone. Just say it out loud — “hey, I’d like to keep seeing you but am not interested in a relationship. Are you up for that?” Let the woman decide rather than pull away, put more effort in, pull away, put more effort in, all in a sad game of trying to maintain “stasis.”

It sucks to be manipulated, man or woman.

Eric,

You say guys just understand this? No way. I have had men “understand” or simply assume a whole bunch of things that weren’t true — that I was their girlfriend, that I wasn’t their girlfriend, that I was rejecting them when I wasn’t, that I wasn’t rejecting them when I was, that I was dating other guys, that I wasn’t dating other guys, that I’d spend the holidays with them, that I wouldn’t spend the holidays with them and on and on and on.

This gets back to communication. Men and women should just be honest and open — if the relationship or dating situation or sweet spot falls apart, that’s the natural order of things. But you can’t conceal or withhold or simply “understand” something without talking to the other person first.

Your comment underscores my point: “Any man who’s been in at least one relationship knows to NEVER bring up a problem to a woman. NEVER.” (Also, what happened to not making generalizations about either sex.) You’re admitting that she would have a problem with being in the “sweet spot” and therefore he’s not going to say anything. That’s lying, deceiving and being manipulative.

And, btw, who knows whether she’ll perceive a problem — she might be relieved or on the same page. I had a relationship where the guy just simply couldn’t cope with a girlfriend (career and child problems) and I didn’t see him as a long term relationship for a number of reasons, but for a while it was good and we both knew where we stood. And we were honest, not trying to twist something around.

Wish more people could just talk to each other instead of playing games.

This is my situation exactly!! I finally get it! I love your site it has it has been a great decoder for my relationships! I know how you are going to answer, but I have to ask it anyways…I expressed to a guy I was interested in taking the next step in our (she’s not interested in hooking up with other guys, we see each other regularly enough (one a week or so) and when we’re together it’s nice, but there’s no feeling of exclusivity or dependency) relationship and he did exactly as you said..removed himself considerably from my life. He has expressed that he is starting a new career and is not in the head space to start a new relationship, but that I am exactly what he is looking for , I am perfect, his friends say he should marry me…Blah…Blah …Blah…I hear from him about every two weeks now…that he needs and wants to see me, he misses me, that we can make this better, that he chooses me and this is his answer ( to my relationship question) but, there is never any follow through. So my question to you is this, is he really struggling with letting me go or is he just feeding me enough hoping it will keep me around. And how likely is it that he will step up or am I wasting my time still thinking about him?

Hi Eric, I was wondering if you could help me out.

I’m in that kind of relationship with a guy where we’re in that ‘sweet spot’. It first started with him having a girlfriend (I know, I know, I’m terrible), but now that he doesn’t have one anymore, we’re still not together. Surprise surprise. Now he’s never said that he wouldn’t date me(which I wish he would), he just says that he really wants to actually be my friend for real. I suppose he’s achieved that ‘stasis’ you mentioned in another answer of yours, but here I am, having fallen for the guy when I didn’t plan to. Just like it allllllllways happens.
Granted I understand the situation quite plainly, at least when I don’t let my womenly senses tingle and take over – which has kind of messed up our ‘relationship’ by making me seem like some emotional mess that breaks down and not the ‘awesome’ chick he thought I was.
We’ve had a few debacles where I’ve gotten emotional in the moment and made him feel like a terrible guy or what not for what he ‘did to me’, when (while I’m clearheaded again,) let’s be real ladies: we know what we got ourselves into when we first started hooking up! Can’t always just blame the guy!
Anyway, what I’m trying to figure out is, well, what should I do? I like the guy, I do want to be in a relationship with him. The reason he cheated on his girlfriend is because she wasn’t even bothering with him anymore and he wanted to be with her so badly but he gave up. Not that anything really justifies cheating, but I “understand” why he cheated, all motives aside. So I already know there’d be a high risk of him cheating if he was with me, but I also know that if I had just kept my eye on him he’d behave haha.
Oh boy this is getting long! Anyway, I don’t know how to get him to see me as more than a friend, but I’d really like to – even if it’s a long shot. You mentioned that these things take one or two turns: they stop, or they fall in love. Even if it’s just destiny’s choice or up to fate, do you have any tips or advice for me at all to get him to see me in a different light? Anything at all? Because we have a really dynamic friendship as of right now and he LOVES me as a friend. We do lots of things together and our conversations can last for hours about the most obscure things. I was also there for him while his girlfriend was being a dick to him and he really values me for that. I know he’s never had a friend like me before who actually understands him, despite him being extremely popular. (I think that makes me the ‘crutch’ or something right?)
He’s mentioned endlessly that he needs to keep me as a friend and he admires my brutal honesty and he knows he’s been a complete jerk to me so he needs to change, and recently after my last ‘WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME’, he finally decided we can’t hook up anymore and even rejected my drunk bootycall and said I’d thank him in the long run! But he still acts so flirty towards me now, which makes me feel like I’m not completely friendzoned. Is he testing me? Wow after typing this out I sound super dumb don’t I.
Anyway, I guess what I want to know is, how should I play this out? So that it would work out in my favor, whatever the outcome may be. Whether we end up together, or not. I’m just tired of this yo-yoing. What should I do? Please help/respond :( anybody

met this guy last summer during a summer school session i took.
he would always look at me in class and i caught his glance,
and the day we actually started talking, he asked for my # so i wrote it on
paper, and later that night he texted me, asnd it was a really nice conversation,
until after an hour of talking, he called me and we talked for about 30 minutes.
i think we just clicked..
we talked everday and it was obvious that we were really compatible,
but after summer school ended, he didnt text or call me as much,
i was guessing it was because he didnt see me everday anymore..
so a few weeks after we just lost touch.i still thought about him from time to time but was way too scared to contact him, until about a month ago i just texted him one day, asking how he was, and then it went on from there, then all of a sudden he sends me a random, and weird text..asking for $20…..haha, i knew this guy was in a gang so i thought it was some kind of trouble he was in and it could have been a death situation..crazy..my guess was right.so the same day he came to see me and we hung out for a little bit before he had to hurry and leave, being around him again made me feel that warm familiar sensation in my chest from back when we just met.and then the next morning he texts me saying how much he appreciates what i did for him,and that most ppl wouldnt care.after that we didn’t text for a few days then i texted him and he found stuff out about me that he didnt know before, which made him more interested, talking to me more and replying faster…we made plans to see each other over the weekend last week, but something came up with him and it was cancelled, and we havn’t talked since then..last Sunday…so anyway i want to talk to him again and see when we can hang out but its happening all over again, i get scared..i know how guys are..and theres silence again unless he decides to text me one day..but im tired of waiting for that..what im trying to say by all of this is..maybe we’re going” too” slow??…because its obvious we have strong chemistry, its almost been a year, i’ve dated other people, but ive never felt as comfortable with someone until he came along…i just don’t want there to be a “could have been”.but at the same time, i cant have him mistaken, thinking im “needy”..any advice?

How long is too long to wait for someone to realize your the one? Because seriously after a while you feel like a fool even though you love that person!

Honestly, isn’t trying to keep a relationship in “stasis” when its clear that the other person wants more, somewhat manipulative? I see no concern for what the other party wants or how they feel. Only that you like the “sweet spot of comfortable company and sexual satisfaction without having to tie myself down to any relationship” so its okay to play pursuit games to keep it there without any honest disclosure.

Basically you just said “I want to keep having sex and hanging out, but you’re not worth a relationship, so I’m going to play with your head to keep you here.” Wouldn’t being honest that you don’t see it going anywhere be the more mature thing to do instead of leading someone on?

I’m sorry, but its very difficult to reconcile this attitude to anything resembling maturity or emotional responsiblity.

I truly would like to understand as i think otherwise every article i’ve read here has been excellent.