There’s this guy I met online, through a dating website. We have seen each other 3 times and based on his body language, he seems to be interested. He also suggests future dates.
The problem is, he never says when and he hardly calls me or initiates contact in between dates. What’s going on? Does he even like me or is remotely interested. Maybe he’s treating me as his friend and is playing the field? I do know for a fact that he likes to take it slow, is that it? Please HELP!!!
Read our guy’s response after the jump!
(Note: This Ask a Guy was more of a dialogue – it went on for several e-mails and over a couple of months. As a result, I didn’t post it until now. Enjoy.)
eric charles:
My bet is that your intuition/instinct is right that he does like you. What I bet is happening is that he wants you to reach out to him, initiate contact, etc. because it makes him feel good and secure that you like him. He could be really busy or just a little insecure and may want some reassurance.
If you like him, I would say reach out to him a bit but don’t pressure him to commit or talk about his feelings toward you at this point. Just try to show that you like him without bending over backwards or selling yourself out. If he likes you, he’ll start to show more initiation. If he doesn’t, well then maybe he’s not that into you.
Either way, doesn’t hurt to give him a little reassurance and see where it goes.
Reader question (cont’d):
What is your stance on dating websites? My friend is having some trouble with the guy she’s been interacting with online and her depressing story just makes me very upset. She manages to put me into a depressing mood as well because I feel like internet dating is such a taboo that it’s too good to be true if I do find someone.
Remember the guy I was telling you about, well it seems more obvious now that he likes me, but he really is taking things too slow, no kissing or holding hands as of yet, and we’ve been on four dates already. AND! We really don’t talk much other than when we meet up, like no MSN, no phone calls, just texts here and there. I know he’s super busy, because he just got promoted, but if he’s that busy and if he takes his job as his top priority, I can’t imagine what kind of a boyfriend he’ll make.
Should I just drop him or should I keep waiting? Or maybe he’s dating other girls and shopping around? And really, do you believe something good can come out of internet dating?
eric charles:
I believe that you can have a successful relationship with someone you met online. In fact, I know many people who are in relationships with people they met online.
But you have to remember that when you meet someone online and then meet them in real life, you’re really only meeting them for the first time when you meet in real life. Sure, you may have read his profile, exchanged some pithy e-mails, chatted with him online, but the real life meeting is the real meeting because that’s when you see the whole picture.
To cut to the point, if this is how he’s acting in the beginning of the relationship, then this is most likely where the relationship is headed. The reason doesn’t really matter – if it’s not how you want it to be now, it’s a waste of time to wait around for his personality and behavior to miraculously change.
I think there’s a lot to be said for choosing a person that very closely fits what you’re looking for. If you don’t want a guy who’s acting like that… bad match! Choose another… this is the beginning stage of getting to know someone – this is where you need to make your decision as to whether or not they are a good fit for your life. If not, keep looking. It’s a mistake to think you can meet a guy and change him into something else… I don’t recommend it.
Reader question (cont’d):
So last night I asked online guy if he was free to do something today and he told me that he is going to be super busy for the rest of the month and possibly for the next month. I didn’t know if this was his way of rejecting me so I decided to text him to try and get a straightforward answer.
I basically said I do like you a lot, but I don’t know how you feel about me, I am willing to wait until you’re less busy, but I need to know what you think about me so I’ll know what to do. Two months of not seeing each other after 4 dates is a bit wishy washy and I just need to know how he feels about me, because I honestly don’t know. What’s your take on this?
eric charles:
Yeah, I hate to break it to you, but that’s him basically cutting it off. I’ve seen both girls and guys do it… Pretty much he doesn’t want to hurt you, but he does not want to pursue it any further… It could be for any number of reasons and it is most likely that he is just not in the place in his life that he can give you what you deserve. My bet is that it really has everything to do with where he is in his life, not with anything you did or anything like that.
I am basing this on the fact that he basically said that he’s not going to be available for a long period of time and did not give any type of reassurance that after that period of time you would be together or something along those lines.
He doesn’t sound like a bad guy, but I would say you should make the decision to keep looking and let this one go. Hate to give news that you might not necessarily like, but that’s my take on this situation.
Reader question (cont’d)
He called two nights and said he wants to keep seeing me, so we’re gonna go out in June or so.
eric charles:
Well, that’s more promising then…
If he’s the one prividing a definite time or time frame then things look more promising. Based on that information, I would say that it’s not a lost cause. Hopefully he’ll continue moving in this direction and will be more clear about when he can see you rather than leaving it open-ended. In the meantime, don’t sweat it.
Good luck. :)
Epilogue:
I followed up a couple months later on this one to see how it panned out. The guy never called.
– eric charles
Written by Eric Charles
