After the longest work-week ever, I was ready for a glorious weekend of debauchery. I hit up the bar-scene and the cutie from the house next door couldn’t stop eyeing me. I waited the obligatory five minutes to see if he would approach me. Chalking it up to intimidation on his part, I made the first move and he loved it, obviously.
We went back to his place and it was clear that we were definitely into each other. However, I was really the one calling the shots, and after having kept things PG for the night, (to his drunken dismay), I decided it was time for bed. A quick pout, a kiss on the cheek, and minutes later he was out like a light. I experienced no such luck and tossed and turned for hours, finally deciding to ditch by 5 am.
Since we both assumed I’d be spending the night, there was no number swap. And just leaving without so much as a last name exchange made it next to impossible for either of us to contact the other. To be honest, I wasn’t really looking for things to end here….
NOW WHAT? How do us ladies go from here?
What you’re talking about here is Sex and the City-style dating.
I don’t think I have to explain what I mean to an audience of women. (I’ve had enough girlfriends who watched Sex and the City to have seen some episodes.)
Anyway, here’s how it’s relevant to your question: What looks good, glamorous, and fun on the show is completely counterproductive to having any sort of dating success with guys in the real world.
More specifically, you’re talking about meeting a guy and feeling an attraction and just following that single-mindedly and expecting it to become something more. I’m not saying that it never does (and it’s certainly poetic and spontaneous to live like that), but attraction is not affection. And attraction is not connection. Attraction is just attraction.
The problem is that coming from the place of attraction is just so cool-seeming and chic! I mean, if you just play the game, you’ll always look good. You’ll never be a faux-pas or an embarrassment, you’ll have a quick-witty line to hit his and a counter-move for every thing he throws at you. After all, you’re “calling the shots.”
In this type of situation, there are two courses of action you can take. One is creating a mystique and playing the “game” and the other is pursuing depth and connection, which is the path to relationship.
A big part of this game is creating a mystique in such a way that the other person feels compelled to get more of you- he’s intrigued by what he sees but doesn’t entirely know who you are. If it’s mysterious and undefined, then he doesn’t know where you stand. He can’t reject you because he doesn’t even know if you’re interested or not!
If you want to maintain the mystique and stay in control, you should make sure that you bait the guy into exchanging numbers with you before he hits the pillow. I’m sure you’re a clever girl, so anything you can think of to make him take out his phone would be enough.
If you want things to go further than one night of passion, I would encourage you to think about ways to build a genuine connection with the gentleman of the moment. It might mean breaking the cool mystique and being vulnerable for a bit, but if you want any sort of depth to your relationships, you need to put your real self out there and not hide behind charm.
While going to his place works because it allows you to keep a good thing going in the moment, asking for his number exposes your interest in him. And once he knows you’re actually interested… well… then that means the worst thing possible could happen- he could reject you.
Playing games leads to… more games. Going deep and putting yourself out there (gasp, vulnerability) leads to relationships and building a connection. Any guy can find a girl that just plays games and protects her own ego with bullshit. It’s a rare girl that shows her true colors and gives him an opportunity to connect with who she actually is.
As far as where to go from here, well you mentioned that the guy lives next door, so I guess your best bet is to wait for a run-in. If that happens, be confident, open, and friendly. He may initiate another get-together, but if not just say you had a great time hanging out with him, you’d like to do it again and here is your number. Either he’ll call or he won’t, but at least this way you’ll know where you stand and can move forward.
Hope it helps,
eric charles
Written by Eric Charles
