Ask a Guy: He Broke Up With Me Because He “Loves Me Too Much”? post image

Ask a Guy: He Broke Up With Me Because He “Loves Me Too Much”?

by Eric Charles

I have been seeing this guy for awhile now. He told me  that he loves me twice and I told him I loved him as well.

However, he started to back off a bit and out of the blue I got an email saying he is scared because he fell in love with me and has been acting distant in an attempt to push me away because he’s getting “too emotionally attached.”

I am apparently too addictive and the relationship is complicating his life and making it difficult. I am lost on this one. Should I just forget him? How can a guy fall in and out of love like that?

Oh man. OK, let me make this crystal clear:

He did something bad (I’m guessing cheated, hooked up with his ex or something along those lines)…

Then he told you that he did it because he loves you too much and you’re too emotionally addicting. The reason you’re confused by this is because it doesn’t make sense.  He’s basically implying that his unfaithful behavior is your fault.

I mean, wow… talk about a ridiculous piece of communication. Although it’s no more ridiculous than:

  • “It’s not you, it’s me…”
  • “I’m not ready for a relationship…”
  • “I can’t be with you because you’re too good for me…”

Let me save you a ton of heartache and confusion. When a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship with you, believe him.

The reason women get into these infuriatingly confusing situations is because they fixate on the reason the guy gives for not being able to be in a relationship.

The reason is always BS. Always. Always.

He wants to let you down easy and soften the blow. The message he wants to communicate is: I don’t want to be in a relationship with you.

But the message you hear is the BS reason. You actually believe the reason is legit and then you set out on a quest to understand his reason and “fix it,” so that you can have the relationship with him.

The reason he gives is just to soften the blow – he just doesn’t want you to take it personally and he doesn’t want to hurt you. The fact is, for whatever reason, he stopped feeling that attraction and desire for a relationship to move forward with you.

Maybe the sexual tension dried up. Maybe the dynamic changed and what initially attracted him dried up. Maybe he has psychological issues that he needs to handle before he can even have a relationship.

Whatever the case, his feelings changed and he wanted out. Let him go and move on.

If there’s any chance at all of saving things, he’ll realize he made a huge mistake and fight to get you back (and you’ll have the upper hand). And trust me, if there’s any chance he will get his act together fast so as not to lose you.

If there’s no chance of saving the relationship with him, then you’ll have saved yourself a ton of heartache and frustration.

Then again, ditching this guy might not be such a bad thing.  Really you’d be saving yourself from a relationship that would inevitably repeat this cycle again and again: He behaves badly and tries to place the blame on you or some other influence outside of himself (his emotions, his upbringing, his job-stress, etc.)

You train people on how they can treat you.  When you accept this sort of thing in a relationship, you can expect more of it in the future.  That is a guarantee.

So move on and if he comes crawling back, think long and hard if this is the relationship you really want.

Hope it helps,

eric charles

Written by Eric Charles

I'm Eric Charles, the co-founder and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing articles to help people free themselves from suffering and have clarity in their love life. I have a degree in Psychology and I've dedicated the last 20 years of my life to learning everything I can about human psychology and sharing what gets people out of struggling with life and into having the life they really want. If you want to contact me, feel free to reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

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23 comments… add one

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Claudy

Hi guys, I am divorced for the past three years and I’ve tried to rebuild my life since then. It is easy fo me to met men, but somehow it is difficult to have something it lasts. My first relationship after my divorce lasted a year and half. It was pretty much a weekend relationship since I have kids and we were happy the way it was, somehow our story ended because I found put he was on a dating site, he begged and tome it was nothing important, but I sent him to take a hike. After him almost right away I met a wonderful guy whom I dated for 6 months everything was fine until Corona came, I found myself living at his house with my teen age boy and it just didn’t work out he stressed the hell out of my son and I, I ended it as quickly as I could. And a couple of months ago I met this special guy on tinder (No expectations) but he is going through a separation and it has just been 10 months. The guy really likes me, and he is a gentleman, but somehow I see he is not over the relationship (ten years 1 shared kid and three of her own) I see he is devastated but he is so sweet I thought I’d give it a try. This guy has everything to make me happy, he is sweet, a family guy, sex is wonderful, we do a lot of activities together and I feel home with him. I know he doe too: After 2 months I just didn’t see that he has closed his cycle in order to start a new story with me and I let him go. He says he cares about me and he is going to sort out his s*** and he hopes he can have a second chance with me. Did I freak out, did I make the right sedition? I miss him but at this point in my life I am not willing to be the rebound of anyone in this planet I want 100 %. Thanks for your advice guys :)

Reply September 14, 2020, 2:18 pm

ally

Hi Eric,
This site has been very helpful to me. Maybe you can help me with something – my ex boyfriend has a family full of performers. He dreams to be a star, and he’s not far from it. However, he tried hard to make time from it. When he said he loved me, he would look me in the eyes, and would sometimes cry….but when life got busy for him, he’d kind of “shut down” or push me away. I knew I was chasing him as he pushed me away. I’ve tried to break up with him before, but he insisted that he needed me. When I finally broke up with him, it was heartbreaking. I told him I only did it because I felt like I was holding him down, and even if I wasn’t, he was never around to give me a true relationship. I talked to him recently where we both admitted that we missed each other and knew that neither of us were at fault. When the question of getting back together came up, he proceeded to tell me “I just have too much going on right now.” As painful as the question is, I just have to wonder if he truly meant that, or if he doesn’t want me anymore.

Reply May 15, 2015, 8:45 am

Patty

I was in an exclusive relationship with a guy for almost a year. He is retired military and lived in one city, i lived in another (within two and a half hours from each other). He would come back and forth to visit me and spend days and sometimes weeks with me. We were madly in love and he was getting ready to move in with me in couple of weeks ago when I received a message via fb from a woman asking if he was seeing me so she would know what to do next. She asked me to call her and I did, only to find out she had been in a relationship with him for a couple of years. We talked about plans for the future and he asked if I would someday be his wife. I was blown away to say the least. She confronted him but he denied it and has since been in touch with me telling me that he is still in love with me. He has not contacted me again since and she has asked me to come get him a few times. I refused of course but am still deeply in love with him. I feel like he will probably try to contact me again because she said she has asked him to lose my number but he refuses. I apologized to her because I had no idea and after va few days told her i thought it was best that two of us should quit communicating because I began to realize she was just using me to get information and using it against me. I’m in n limbo and not sure what i should do at this stage.

Reply February 28, 2015, 11:55 am

phoenix

I was dating this guy for nearly 2years. He told me of how he could never get tired of being with me, we talked about the future, we where happy. Then he got married to someone else on my birthday. I am still devasted by it. 3 weeks after his wedding I got sick and was in hospital, and he was there by my side like nothing happened. I recovered and asked him to leave me alone. He didn’t want to let me go. Its been 7 months since he got married and I keep asking him to leave me alone, but he always finds a way to make me show that I love him. Now he tells me he just needs time to uncomplicate his life and we will be together. I am keeping my distance from him, but am suffering a lot of heartache. Someone please help me get out of this.

Reply May 31, 2014, 5:47 am

elizabeth

I had been with my ex-bf for 7 years when I found he’d been cheating on me for several months. When I confronted him, he blamed me, insulted my mom, broke up with me and gave BS reasons. It would be all right if he just admitted that he didn’t love me anymore, but he blamed me for everything. I felt that if we had issues, we should talk and work things out; after all, in every relationship, there will be issues sooner or later . I tried to reason with him at first. Then I realized that all he wanted was to end the relationship, hurt me and wipe me out of his life , so that he could be with his new girlfriend. Almost a year has passed since then, and I still couldn’t understand why he had to put the blame on me and insult my mom instead of frankly telling me his feelings had changed. And I still feel deeply hurt.

Reply November 23, 2012, 11:44 pm

Samantha

Hi Eric,

Could it maybe be that this guy has just fallen really hard for this woman but is afraid of getting hurt? What would she do in that case?

Reply July 2, 2012, 1:28 am

Eric Charles

I mean, I’m not saying that people (men or women) don’t have baggage…
.
But in the end, the basic message is the “I don’t want to be in a relationship” part, not the excuse part…

Reply July 2, 2012, 1:35 am

Z

Please help me!, I met him online we started testing and talking over the phone we connected really well we chatted almost everyday i felt he like me and i stared to like him everything was fine for the first 4weeks but little by little he started to be distance not calling not testing so i give him some time after several day i would text him so see how is doing he would reply really short message he would not try to keep the conversation also he would not answ my call or call me back … so last night i send him a text telling him that he not putting the same effort as before he was really distance that i would like to move forward if he allows me but i needed to know if he still interesting to get to know me since we had not met in person he lives 4hrs away that i did not feel like wasting my time. few hours later he respond and he said yes he would like to meet and he understand the way i feel. so i ask him if he will stop acting so cool and distance. few hours later after he told me yes less meet.. he said this: I THOUGHT ABT WHAT YOU SAID AND I HAVE BEEN SO BUSY LATELY. I HAVE MY SONS PRETTY MUCH ALL THIS SUMMER I THINK RIGHT NOW MIGHT NOT B THE RIGHT TIME FOR A RELATIONSHIP. WE CAN STAY FRIENDS IF U LIKe.
of course i responded saying yes no problem.

which the true is im mad and sad i really like this guy and think i loss my change with him im not sure what to do im sure if i should forget about him… i know he likes me but the fact i was so pushy and so needy that now im just a friend he is not calling at all im here loss PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO

Reply June 16, 2012, 5:14 am

Janet Adeline

Since you already behaved pushy and needy to him. You need sometime for yourself to cool down. Don’t be needy and pushy. While you are alone, take the chance to do whatever you couldn’t do when you are in a relationship.

I know you are mad and sad, the best thing to do is to spend time to have fun and be the best of you.

Reply July 19, 2012, 9:51 am

Kelsey

My ex broke up with me 2 months ago because he wasnt ready for a relationship. He reached out to me a week ago and we hung out a couple of days ago. We had a great time, he touched my leg, opened doors for me and he kissed me when I was dropping him off. He said hes not sure what it all means, but that he meant everything and wants to keep seeing me. What does this behavior mean? Please help! Im still in love and am having a hard time letting him go :(

Reply June 4, 2012, 4:13 am

Kelsey

My ex of 1 and 1/2 years broke up with me two months ago because he wasn’t ready for a relationship. He reached out to me 12 days ago asking if I wanted to hang out. We ended up seeing each other 2 nights ago and it went well. He touched my leg, opened doors for me and when I dropped him off, he kissed me. He said he missed me and wants to keep seeing me. he said he meant everything he said and did. Im so confused. I’m still in love worth him and want to see what happens but I’m afraid to get hurt again. What does his behavior mean?!

Reply June 4, 2012, 4:06 am

Confused

Hi Eric,
Thanks for the great post. Recently, one of my guy friends told me that he likes me, I told him that I didn’t reciprocate. He accepted it and told me he still wanted to be friends, but now I find that he’s withdrawing and avoiding me. What’s going on? I don’t know whether I should give him some space or talk to him about it. Help please!

Reply June 2, 2012, 11:25 pm

GML

If I got that email I would’ve replied, “Ok, take care!” and never looked back. What a bunch of nonsense. I was seeing someone. The relationship seemed to be really strong and powerful. I confronted him on something minor that was bothering me and he bailed. We had a couple minor altercations before and he would always respond saying maybe we should be just friends. If that’s your solution then get to steppin’.

Reply May 30, 2012, 8:06 pm

Trisha

I can’t thank you enough for this article – I met a guy who came on really strong, asked me to be his girlfriend, we got along great, had a lot in common, he told me he loved me and then, bam, three days later he texts me that he’s breaking up with me because I want too much. What???? I was floored, but the thing is that after more than a year, he still keeps in contact, which leads me to believe that he’s coming back to me, but he doesn’t. Thank you again and I am kicking his ass to the curb once and for all!! I deserve so much better!!

Reply May 24, 2012, 5:54 pm

Kris

I met a man 4 months ago who told me from the very beginning he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Neither was I (been divorced for 18 mos) so we’ve casually been dating. We share some of the same social circle and activities. I am fairly active and busy person who likes her space (full time job, 2 kids, a house to tend to, friends, activities, etc). Since meeting him and AFTER discovering we have awesome chemistry and connection, he has told me all of the following “let you down easy” phrases:
You scare me to death…
It is so easy to be around you but I don’t want to hurt you…
I don’t want you to be a rebound…
I could really get into “us” but I need to get over my recent breakup…
And he is shocked I haven’t tried to sink my claws in him (tie him down).
Last week over dinner he introduced me to his best friend. And just gave me a birthday present costing a few hundred dollars (no he isn’t wealthy). So whats up with this – He doesn’t want a relationship, but oh here is an expensive gift ( it was something I was going to buy and he beat me to the punch). I mean who does something thoughtful like that if you don’t really like someone??? Men continue to baffle me, I feel like I am in highschool, but I am nearly 50 and he is in his 50’s… Anyway, I will continue to enjoy this “friendship?” continue to live my life and not give my heart away.

Reply May 21, 2012, 12:39 pm

Opening up my eyes

Thankyou Eric for another wonderful article…Many times I have focused on what the person said when they didn’t want to be with me now I’m no longer confused about anything they said and thanks to you I now realise it was a nice way of letting me down easily and to soften the blow and no matter what he says that the message he wants to communicate is: I don’t want to be in a relationship with you!!!BEST ADVICE ever thankyou i will always keep this in the back of my mind as it’s the best closure you can get and it’s better than pondering what he really meant when it’s all so simple what he really means. :)

Reply May 17, 2012, 5:14 am

Zee

i just got out of a relationship 2 weeks back… he has always been bringing up breakup v hastily and i was emotionally unstable and eventually i said we should breakup, just like what he suggested. i regretted it, begged him to come back but to no avail. he said a lot of nasty stuffs. up till now, i have been assessing the breakup reasons because i know i have changed… into someone so different as compared to when we first started out. i tried talking to him again today but he didn’t reply me. eric, you are so right about guys just wanting out. it doesn’t really need any reason that made sense. i will start moving on now… but i can’t stop myself from harbouring the hope that he will come back someday. till then, it is best that i work on myself.

Reply May 16, 2012, 1:28 pm

Chrysalis

Great advice! The longer she puts up with that, the more heartache for her. Move on and find a better quality guy.

This sight is so good. I look for when your posting. You decode things so beautifully. People will tell you right out, but you have to listen and believe them.

Reply May 16, 2012, 10:31 am

Chrysalis

Ooops, I meant you’re posting.

Reply May 16, 2012, 10:32 am

Chloe

Hi Eric, I’ve been in this relationship for 6 months now, he calls me his girlfriend and says love me frequently, we also talk about marriage and the future alot, we actually agreed that we both want the same thing from a relationship and we are on the same page. However, recently I think he’s withdrawing. He’s been very stressful with his work and he has his accounting exams next week, he told me in advance that he would be busy and he would do something after his exams to make up for me, but we haven’t met for a month now and he’s not replying to my msg, I’m really worried…….

Reply May 16, 2012, 4:54 am

F

I can relate to this. My ex dumped me twice and the second time he did it over an email
so it hurt to see and read what he said but I kept my distance and never responded hence he cut me off.

A month later we ended up seeing each other and he told me there was no hard feelings but tried to schmooze his way back. I didn’t give in because I knew if we made amends, he would act the same. It’s only been a month and I didn’t think things were going to change in an instant.

All I can say is, distance is good.

Reply June 15, 2012, 7:05 pm

Tiffany

Hi Eric. It’s been a minute since I’ve commented on how great the site is so I’m doing it now. I have still been reading the website and emails consistently though and can’t say enough how much adapting your suggested mentalities has improved my dating life. “When a man says he doesn’t want a relationship with you, believe him” is one of the most simple, yet brilliant ones in my opinion. Thanks and keep it up!

Reply May 16, 2012, 1:12 am

michelle

Well what do you do when they tell you they want to be serious and then pulls the no communication crap? I just don’t want my time wasted. I could be meeting someone who is really serious about me. I am trying really hard not to start going out with other guys again. I was dating around but as soon as I found someone who said they was serious, I stopped dating and was loyal to him when I didn’t have to be and now he pulls this garbage. If he just want to do his own thing, then let me know, so I can do mine.

Reply July 5, 2012, 7:54 pm

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