Ask a Guy: He Doesn’t Want a Relationship, Should I Just Walk Away? post image

Ask a Guy: He Doesn’t Want a Relationship, Should I Just Walk Away?

by Eric Charles

I’ve had a “casual” thing going with a guy for 6 months, mostly sexual. Two months ago, I told him I couldn’t do the casual thing anymore and since then things have been heading downhill fast. Today was my birthday and he didn’t even wish me a happy birthday!

I don’t want this anymore but I’m getting mixed advice from people. Some tell me that I should text him and tell him that I don’t want to do it anymore and others tell me that I should just stop texting and just ignore him if he reaches out, which I find particularly cruel.

What should I do?

If you don’t want this anymore, then it really doesn’t matter what you do, does it?

It sounds like you’re pissed at him, but there’s a part of you that still wants something to happen and thinks there is a chance.

Maybe not necessarily a relationship. Maybe you just feel like you lost a part of yourself with him… and you want to get that back.

The answer is in finding how to be enough without needing him to do anything in order to feel happy and content with life exactly as it is.

When you can find that place within yourself, then dealing with him won’t be an issue. You won’t need some kind of strategy or game plan – it’s your emotional state that’s causing you all the anguish… it just looks like it’s him causing the problems.

Only you can change your emotions and it starts with drawing fulfillment from other areas of life and loving your life and yourself in general.

So don’t text him, but don’t ignore him either. Just focus on you loving yourself and loving life… get to a place where what he does may affect you a bit, but overall your life is so great that… (continued – Click to keep reading Ask a Guy: He Doesn’t Want a Relationship, Should I Just Walk Away?)

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Written by Eric Charles

I'm Eric Charles, the co-founder and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing articles to help people free themselves from suffering and have clarity in their love life. I have a degree in Psychology and I've dedicated the last 20 years of my life to learning everything I can about human psychology and sharing what gets people out of struggling with life and into having the life they really want. If you want to contact me, feel free to reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

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141 comments… add one

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mumtaz

I need advice beause my heart broken a guy

Reply December 29, 2019, 1:57 am

mumtaz

i’m 18yrs old i love&crazy a guy and he doesn’t love me back i need advice

Reply December 29, 2019, 1:55 am

Carla

Eric, I SO needed to hear this today! YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. I already knew, in my heart, that this is the Truth. I needed this affirming message. I appreciate your work. God Bless You!

Reply November 21, 2017, 9:44 am

Danielle jones

Hi! So I need some advice, I don’t know what to do concerning a guy I was talking to. We were going on different dates and he was talking about relationships and then a few days later he tells me that he’s not looking for a relationship and that he’s sorry he lead me on. We were texting everyday and now we don’t but he likes stuff on my Facebook. I really miss texting and hanging out with him. I was tempted to text him ” hi I miss texting and hanging out with you. I hope we can still be friends and text and hang out like we were” I’m not sure If I should text him and try to keep a friendship or just let it go. I don’t want to seem desperate. What should I do?

Reply November 20, 2017, 10:50 am

vr46fanx

Life is not about relationships, we don’t “all go through it” there are more important things in life than relationships, especially today when the world is overpopulated. Think about it, don’t just blindly follow and do what everyone else is doing..

Reply January 15, 2017, 1:43 pm

alicia.deleon

last night I was talking to this guy iv been talking to for the past few weeks thing is he has a girlfriend and he doesn’t know what he wants we both really like each other but nothing seems to be working out should I keep fighting for him are back off

Reply June 19, 2016, 1:14 pm

Sasha v

Back off, if he wants you he will leave his girlfriend, for one, and be the one who fights for you. You should never be fighting for the man.

Reply May 7, 2019, 4:22 pm

Heli

The article makes sense to me – I’m a professional older woman with my own career, my own interests, enjoy my own company but terribly would like my best friend, former “friends with benefits” to see that life would be less complicated to both of us if he was ready to enter into true relationship with me. We met over 5 years ago, have lots of life ups and downs we went through together with parents getting older, my children growing up (2 are out of the house already), we act like couple at family & friend functions, his family likes me a lot, etc. About 1.5 years ago he ended the friends with benefit part because of his father’s health condition and demands for his life, he also said he was considering finding someone with whom he cold have children (he is 50 and I’m 50). Since then we have been actually emotionally closer, experienced trips together, lived life as it comes in this stage. Today, I received an email and he stated that he had considered a relationship with me, that he doesn’t want children. But, now he said he doesn’t think it will work for him with me because he feels I may not be completely devoted to him due to I having children whom he think I would want to stay close to and he wants someone who is devoted to him. My children (both but 1 are adults already), have never even before been an obstacle for us. He said I would be the perfect person for him – he said we would have a good life but for the children he doesn’t see a relationship with me at this time. I really want to fix this, set him at ease. We are really good together – he said it himself. What gives now and how do I overcome this with him. I am not looking for anyone else, or a short term thing just to walk away. I’m at age (we both are) that certain other things matter than walking away – that would be the easy way. Please help! Thanks so much

Reply March 17, 2016, 10:42 pm

Very confused

Hi,
I’ve been seeing this guy for little over a year. It’s a long distance relationship. He has home in my state that he lived in with his late wife who died 6 yrs ago. He also has home 1200 mi. Away he inherited from deceased parents. He’s a musician for hire & works in both areas. He is 60 & I am 56. Both of us have had 2 marriages. He is not romantic at all & isn’t one to express feelings much. He comes to my state for 3-4 weeks at a time & then goes to other for a month or so. When he’s there, I go there for 3-4 days. For last few months it’s only been couple weeks at a time that we don’t see each other. When we’re in the same state, unless one or both of us is working, we spend the time together. He’s a traditional values kind of guy & so am I. He moved in with a woman 2 yrs after his wife died & he moved to the other state. She was beautiful but a user. They broke up after 1.5 yrs. about a yr later we started dating. He considers me to be beautiful. I’m not conceded but that is opinion of others. So here’s the issue…when we’re apart he says he misses me, always asks or texts “do you miss me?” Says we are perfect together alot & Will say he loves me but not often. He acts like a gentleman with me but sex is odd. Not loving, just physical & no “internal” orgasms. He got very jealous over an innocent fb post I wrote to a married friend of his who was in hospital from major back surgery. I just offered help out of kindness & nothing else. He wasn’t in my area so we fought via text. Hours later he called & I stated my case & he said he over reacted but he then said “I don’t want a relationship with the life of the party & you are.” Thing is, I’m not. I hang with a group of married couples. Sometimes I get them to come out to see him play (makes it look good for him. Fans). We are long time friends so we I’d around & dance. Other times I just play photographer for him. Later in the conversation he said he loved me & asked if I still loved him. He has always said things like “you don’t want wit
Someone like me” or finding someone else. He also always introduces me as his friend. He is an aquarius but…HELP PLEASE!! Does he just think of me as a friend with bennies? Is he afraid I’ll break his heart like the user did? Loyal to his deceased wife? I don’t get it.

Reply November 12, 2015, 7:47 pm

Salena

I am completely lost. I met this man because I was friends with his parents. Initially, he said flat out he did not want a relationship right now because he didn’t have anything to offer (ie: job, money, home). I told him he and would never have sex. In the past 6 months, our friendship has grown into a very strange relationship. I’ve met the rest of his family and they all love me. He’s given me one of his dog tags (from his Army time), and I only take it off when I shower. He is always at his parents’ house when I come for a weekend visit. He even spends the night on the couch. We have gone out to eat together, had romantic moments, and have had sexual contact, but not actual sex. Last weekend, I met his son and he invited me to hang out with them both Saturday AND Sunday. I asked questions about where he grew up bc we drove near the area, and he took me on a tour of where he used to live, went to high school, etc. etc. I have told him that I have already fallen for him and would like to date him. He keeps reiterating we are only friends. He keeps doing things to create a deep emotional connection and share his life with me, but then places me firmly in the friend zone. Is he just giving me what he can for the time being? I don’t understand why he would go to all this effort if he doesn’t want more with me. He’s not getting laid, even though at times I’ve wanted to, so that really isn’t what he’s after. I’ve never known a man to do this; please help me!!!

Reply October 20, 2015, 9:34 pm

julie

met a guy from fb almost 2 years back, we live in different countries. he frankly told me he doesnt want a serious relationship, no tie down etc etc since. he separated from his wife couple years back and agree with her to not have divorce since fearing will give bad flow to their kids. since i was also on status quo, i didnt too give a damn. well why not to make new friend? i mean real friend ;P then, here’s the thing,,, when we nurture the relationship, we let our feeling nourish, we chatted on daily basis and at some points, he wanted to get physical. his belief is sex is like drinking, eating, to enjoy physically. i refused, scared to death, how if i madly in love with him, how i can i handle it??. it took more than a year later to finally agree. anyways, after the initial met up, he himself proposed me to marry

Reply August 22, 2015, 12:18 pm

ceece

hi ive been dating this guy about a year.He really treats me good and very understanding it long distant and we talk everyday n see each other when we have the time.He works alot n ive never met his kids but met his mom siblings n friends.i think we have our days on convo but we havent pass the next step which is a realationship but he says he doest have the time for one n i want to see him more than he might want to see me. he can do everything with his friends but never really invite me im always asking him to come over. He doesnt express emotions to well. but he talks as if im going to be in his future all the time thats why i confuse should i go

Reply June 29, 2015, 2:45 am

Tinkerbell

I met a great guy… We meet for lunch, drinks, shopping, breakfast. He will never let me pay for anything. We talk about things and places we would both like to do and visit. We talk and text, after 7 months we have only kissed, he is so respectful , he wants to take it slow even though he says I excite him, he wants us to get to know each other first before jumping in to anything serious …

We both have very busy work schedules … He recently told me he was considering giving up some of his work load ( he has a couple of jobs) as he said he would lose me due to the lack of time we can see each other. I really do like this guy and would like to take things to the next level. He has just told me that he is trying to get on top of everything at work and he will contact me later when his life settles down. He didn’t seem like he was saying goodbye, just being honest about his situation at this present time. I thanked him for being honest with me and said to say hi sometime, said I was sorry I wasn’t enough for him and wished him well. I read that he was saying goodbye in a nice gentleman way, hense my reply. My friends seem to think different, thst he was saying I’m really busy, trying to sort my life out and will be in touch later. I wish I hadnt responded like I had now and just said ok understand contact me when your free. I will not contact him now as I aldo said in my reply , but will give him space and hope he contacts me as he said. Really hope this guy gets back in touch, it’s hard not thinking about him everyday and I try to keep myself busy to occupy my time. Just wondered if anyone else on here had an opinion, thanks.

Reply June 20, 2015, 8:46 am

meklit

I meet a guy who works next building of my office. n from the moment i saw him can’t stop thinking about him( I think I’m in love with him ).we have been 1 month since we start taking n txting but it’s not that serious talk. and he ask me for a coffee and kiss me on a first date (French kiss) and 2nd date he want to have sex with me. But I told him that am not ready, even if I love him. because I don’t now if he wants me for a serious relationship or have fun with me.he don’t talk about wt he wants with me. so I really need help, I really don’t now wt to do.

Reply June 10, 2015, 10:39 am

Rene

Ok Ive been reading these articles for hours, taking te love quizzes and so on… I have a non-relationship, my first ever. Its only non in terms of my title being missing. WE have everything else between us. He cant even handle the thought of me seeing someone else even though he made those rules. He says he still sleeps with other women. He doesn’t lie to me. But its rare that we don’t speak. We are long distance for now and that is coming to an end. Hes a consummate gentleman, always caring and considering me. We laugh, he supports everything I do and will even participate. He will do just about anything I ask. I want to get married. And yes I’d be blissfully happy married to him. We even have pretty great sex! I just need a commitment. And yes ive expressed this openly from go. Recently he said he sees us together, commited, just not today! Im impatient, I know my worth, ve never been here before and im close to flight after mor than a year with no title. I have strong self esteem and confidence with no issue in getting a man! I do want this one though as we are compatible in every way. We are perfect together. People oh and ahh over us on sight. They immediately since the feelings between us. Case and point after dating a while we are on the elevator, a lady gets on, smiling at us. She ask how long we’d been together. He immediately answered her, 5 Months”… He tells me he misses me, and even late at night he will call just to say goodnight. But he doesn’t want me to tell him “I love you!” And he wont call me his girlfriend. HELP!!!!

Reply May 25, 2015, 12:44 am

sky

dump him if u want more, he is using u.

the important part: he sleeping with others, doesn’t want u to. That’s a sign of property you plan to get rid of, not someone u care about. if u want him to like u again u can make him. here’s how:

dump him right away, start ignoring his texts like a bitch. DON”T TELL HIM WHY. Ignore 9 of his texts at least, but up to 20…. then, the next time he texts act happy and like nothing happened, but don’t sleep with him again until he’s paid to take u on three dates and start calling you his girlfriend. this is the only possible way you could ever get him back into ur life or to respect u. nothing else and no amount of understanding will ever work.

Responsible and Caring is NOT Sexy. U want to be DESIRED, so be mean.

Reply August 20, 2016, 9:20 am

ML

Good advice

Reply April 29, 2017, 11:31 am

Pebbles

Hi I’ve been through the same situation like you guys. We’ve been dating for like 2 months nearly 3months. At first everything was so awesome. He seem so interested in me and so am I to him. We were talking alot thru skype, viber, whatsapp etc. before he decided to move to the country i’m currently working at. I slept with him on a first date and we continue hanging out every weekend. I thought everything is going on my way until after a month he started to change. We dont talk call or text but when we are together, everything seem so well. I always giving him chances to take back the communication like we used to but it didn’t happened even i tried to initiate. 3 days ago, out of being drunk, i stopped holding back and ask him once and for all. He told me that we aren’t on the same page, and if we continue seeing each other, he’ll just gonna break my heart which he doesn’t want to happen. He noticed i’m falling inlove with him and we’ve gone too far now that it is not jut fun anymore. It is so hurtful and i’m still in pain but i guess its good to happen now than to waste a year with him. So my advice to you guys is to speak out but dont put them on pressure. We need to know if we are heading to the right direction. Dont waste so much time on someone who doesn’t want to commit. Besides, even if you both are having a good time i tell you, it is just a short-term temporary happiness unlike being official. Ladies, lets fight for what we deserve and tbh, i know you all know what to do in this situation but just like me, i’m scared to lose him. But guess what? i totally lose him now but i feel so relieved coz i dont have to wait or wish for him to contact me today coz it wont gonna happen. I just felt a lil bit stupid of not knowing what’s obvious or i’m on denial or just keeping my hopes high on something that i already know from the beginning.

Reply May 19, 2015, 2:42 am

sarah

i need advice please,, this guy was really interested all over me – then someone said he had a girlfriend but i know he really likes me. What do I do suddenly I really want him? he replies to my text 50% of the time telling me I am lovely etc. I am so confused.

Reply May 16, 2015, 3:11 am

Tania Harera

I need advice, I’m 20 years old and I fell in love with a man 30 years old .. I know he online and I still contact with him until today, but a great distance made difficult to meet him (I was in Indonesia and he was in munich) .. I thought he was not interested in me, and instead he ever thought I was not interested in him, he is still single and he said he would come to see me in september .. and he never said “it was funny when you laughed when you were next to me .. Never had this Situation before, because of the distance ..
It was really hard for me to see you cry
Because I could not change anything
But it Showed to me you are a good Girl with the right Ambitions “

Reply April 14, 2015, 3:35 am

Chuchu

Meant. If I agree to keep casual… if there is sort of etiquette that ppl should follow in the situation? I have never done casual in my life. I have a feeling it serves me well, I’m learning about myself, yes I’m aware of the danger zone I’m in ( I may get attached one day) … I might have already, don’t know… but I’m willing to risk but I want to make sure he doesn’t just take the advantage and doesn’t care at all…. that’s why the question about frequency of texting if any in this sort of arrangement.

Reply April 6, 2015, 6:30 pm

Chuchu

I know what you’re saying in here. I met this guy online. We kissed on first date and had sex on the second one. The reason all quite fast coz I didn’t seem to be as much into it. Since than we met couple of times… went for a drink and usually we were ending at mine. He took my attention coz he appeared to be such s nice guy, he seemed to care. On our dates he payed for everything. We met three weekends in the raw… yea I felt it was intense so I wasn’t surprise that on the fourth wkend he made plans. But I could also notice that he stopped initiating contact but he always lenghtly was answering my textes. Anyway, after some time I asked him what is happening and He texted that he is not looking for anything seriouse at the moment that’s why he doesn’t want to meet as often but he likes my company so if I’m fine with that he would like to keep seeing me. I don’t know what I wanted from it at the first place so agreed to that. We met once since our textes. Was very nice, again he payed for everthing, was kind and all that… he said ‘ see you soon and that he will get in touch’. I was fine with all that… I was away this wkend so we could not meet but it’s been 5 days he didn’t text anything. I was fine when he was leaving but now when I didn’t get any text from him I start to think he just doesn’t want to carry on meeting with no strings attached? I’m fine to carry on that for a bit but if there are any rules on texting etiquette in this type relations?

Reply April 6, 2015, 6:13 pm

sky

The only rule is that he’s going to treat you like dirt because you agreed to it and even if you hated him and only wanted sex and to keep it casual he would still continue to distance himself from you telling himself that you had feelings for him. Guys like this, and there are many many, lie to themselves and everyone else, they are lonely, but won’t fix it either. They only see people in terms of what they can use, “this girl is fun, but not good enough to be my soul mate, so I’ll have sex with her off and on until I start sleeping with a more interesting girl, or she complains about (1 thing is enough) something, or I meet the girl whom I think is good enough (younger, richer, more beautiful, or better career). Then I will simply ignore the first/second/and third girls texts as if she/they never existed.

That’s what you agreed to. So if you can, dump him, or make a huge scene to get his attention, and demand more. That’s the only way to get out of the line up (which you are in, he’s sleeping with other girls on other nights).

Reply August 20, 2016, 9:26 am

ML

Brutal, but good

Reply April 29, 2017, 11:29 am

me

Also, It is noteworthy to highlight I also call him.

I have helped him with applications and stuff in the past. I am one of the few students that have been head hunted by firms at my college. So I am very suspicious of his motives.

I don’t know if he likes me or this all a game.

Reply March 31, 2015, 11:25 am

me

Ok. So I am in College. I recently met this guy and I felt like I may fall in love with him.

When we met he was all over me. I fancied him too and we had sex on the first day! Stupid I know. But then he told me he was too busy with work. We have not had sex since. However, he and I see each other all the time. He regularly calls me and we meet up. But he says he has given his life to Christ and really needs to do well in life so does not want to have sex with anyone. He has made it extremely clear. Yet, every time he sees me he always tells me I’m preety he even told me he loves me as I friend. I told him that this is inappropriate. As, we are not in a relationship so he has no right to say this to me. He agreed but still talks to me.

We have a strong friendship but I don’t really want to be his friend. I am extremely physically attracted to him. So every time i see him I want him, and I know how freaky, he is. That is what makes this religious conversion so difficult to accept. I’ve met all his close friends he told me they love me. In a separate conversation his friend told me that he feels he really likes me but I i feel I am more like his emotional crush then lover. He always calls me to tell me about his problems and find out about whats going on in my life. He is very nosy and can be very competitive we both are trying to become investment bankers and he always ask what firms I am applying for and how far I am. I feel he is too competitive and he gets mad when I keep stuff from him. Like he wants me to tell him everything that goes on in my life. However he is not my boyfriend? Also, in the beginning he like 3 Months in admitted that when he first met me he didn’t like me then 6 months in he told me he now does. Then I said to him what happened. Admittedly, I have had my heart broken before so I am very suspicious of men.

I have told him how I feel. He keeps telling me not now. So i said fine let me walk away as I don’t want to really be friends with a guy I ‘ve slept with. He says I’m childish and continues to call me even though he doesn’t want me. I agree i can be childish, hence why I can’t deal with this complicated situation. I stopped talking to him for a few months. Then he moaned to one of my male friends. My male friend then took his side and got angry with me saying why are you ignoring him. I was like what this guy is a jackass, who plays with my heart. A few days ago I texted him asking him if he missed me he said no. Then I blocked him on Twitter. He private messaged me on TumBLr saying I’m childish. But I feel that he is not straight with me. I need your help. Should I just walk away. I don’t want to get hurt again.

Reply March 31, 2015, 11:18 am

sky

If he keeps trying to get your attention after you have tried to ignore him maybe give him a chance, it’s a good sign. However, is he really not sleeping with anyone? If not, would he be your bf but not sleep with you or is he willing to give u any indication he sees you as more than a friend, or any type of commitment, if not, walk and forget his feelings. Yours are more important, and you’ll feel that when you’re the one crying and he’s given up Christianity for “the one” or the “special girl”, who’s not you.

Reply August 20, 2016, 9:29 am

Miss Maee

Ok…So I’ve been in a relationship with my best friend, since freshman year, we are both seniors in high school. We’ve been together for almost 3 months. Well, I’m happy with him, but I feel like another’s it shouldn’t make me smile and blush like I do. I’m just confused. I get unhappy over the weekends and when I go home when I don’t see him. And we talk but barely any more. And I’m wondering should I stay and try? Because he other guy that’s making me smile wants a relationship and wants to have a serious down to earth relationship with me. And I trust him with all my heart. But there’s just something going on with my bf that I can sence. It’s just a feeling. And I think it has something to do with his ex. ???????? and I don’t like the feeling at all. I need some help. Anybody have any advice? I’m stuck.

Reply February 15, 2015, 4:53 pm

Miss Maee

Another man *

Reply February 15, 2015, 4:55 pm

shakita

HELLO EVERYONE!!!OK I HAVE A SITUATION THATS REALLY IRRITATING..IVE DEALING WITH THIS GUY FOR A YEAR AND A COUPLE MONTHS.SO WE ARE REAL COOL.WE HANG OUT AND HAVE FUN TOGETHER LIKE I REALLY LIKE HIM.SO I DID SLEEP WITH HIM I THINK THE FIRST 2 OR 3 WEEKS WE BEGAN TALKING.SO WE WERE COOL THE FEELINGS BEGAN DEVELOPING OF COURSE AND THEN I THREW THE GIRLFRIEND TITLE THERE AND OF COURSE HE WAS LIKE HE WASNT READY BLAH BLAH..AND IM NOT USED TO BEING REJECTED…SO I WAS LIKE COOL WATEVER..SO WE KEPT DOING US …CALLING EACH OTHER AND EVERYTHING…SO NOW UP TO.THIS POINT IT SEEM LIKE WE ON AND OFF LIKE WE’LL TALK OR SEE EACH OTHER ONE DAY AND THEN 5 DAYS LATER WE’RE NOT TALKING AND THEN WE’RE TALKING…LIKE IDK IF HE REALLY THAT INTERESTED IN ME ANYMORE ..LIKE I JUST B THINKING IF HE AIN’T ANSWERING MY PHONE CALLS OR TEXTS HE MUST BE WITH A GURL…I BE WANTING TO ASK HIM ALL THE TIME DO HE TALK TO OTHER GIRLS BUT I JUST HOLD BACK BCUZ ITS NOT MY PLACE TO.ASK HIM THAT BCUZ WE’RE NOT EXCLUSIVE..IM CONFUSED ON WHAT TO DO..SHOULD I just stop wasting my time hoping that he’ll come around or should i just enjoy the moments we are together..like idk..aand fyi he never introduced me to his daughter ..o and wen i went to his cousins house about 2 days ago he didnt even introduce me im just like ok wth ..really..like am i wrong for thinking these things..please respond!!!!!

Reply February 8, 2015, 1:29 pm

bsmith

I need some advice I am confused by a guy. I met this guy online and me meet up one day as friends for dinner and a movie. I asked him what he was looking for and he told me he wasn’t looking for anything serious just friends. But the other day I looked at his profile and he changed it to he is looking for a relationship. I don’t understand why he told me something completely different. Is he maybe not interested in me in that kind of way? I am so confused and I don’t want to bring up the topic again.

Reply February 4, 2015, 8:13 pm

Vanessa

He told YOU he’s not looking for anything serious so if you are, don’t continue to see him. Him changing his profile to say he is but yet telling you he isn’t is even more reason for you to not see him again. You’re over thinking this.

Reply February 12, 2015, 1:16 pm

kristin

Why is it so great in the beginning then the guy stops paying attention and stops noticing things that they used to notice or do??? What can i do to make him wanna pay attention? Got no car and alot of stresses in my life so… i dont knowwhat to do?

Reply January 31, 2015, 8:00 pm

M

Hi Eric and everyone!
I really need some advice at the moment.
I met this boy nearly 3 years ago on summer holidays. I was 16 then.
We spent some days seeing each other and then I had to go back home and thought I’d never see him again because we live in different countries.
But we started writing every day, after some months he told me he loved me and the next summer we saw again. We were talking every day for the last years now, I’m really in love with him and I always go visit him every time I can and stay with his family and him and know all his friends.
I always realized I do a lot more for him than he does for me but I didn’t care because I love him and he would tell me he loves me so much too
Lately, for me things were getting serious but he is still kissing other girls every time he goes out and since I told him that should stop he is acting strange to me.
He says he can’t have a girlfriend in another country and wants to be free, but he doesn’t want to lose me because he says he will marry me some day.
Right now, I don’t know what to do anymore, he goes out a lot because he is living in college and is with other girls and I can’t take this anymore because I don’t do that to him and it hurts me so much. Since he is in college he doesn’t write to me as much and says he is busy too but still wants me to go visit him a lot so I don’t understand.
He was my first boy in everything, and I don’t know what to do, we are perfect when we are together and act like a couple.
I do everything for him even he hurts me every time. I feel I am not strong enough to end it and don’t want to lose him forever. I’m scared.
I just hope this would change some day and we can finally be together, I wanted to go to study to his country next year, at first he wanted too but now he said it is better I am not going because then we would have to be together forever and it is too soon.
Thank you

Reply January 26, 2015, 11:54 am

queenbeetv

Hi M, you need to move on…. for two main reasons. #1 he’s not as into you as you are into him and he has told you as much. #2 he is right, it is too soon, you both need to meet and date other people. If you are meant to be together later, you will, but, like you said, he isn’t doing much to make it happen. You have to consider, as all young women who might want children should consider, that if he isn’t making the effort to be with you, how much effort would he make and how much help would he be should you ever have a child with him? You owe it to yourself and your future children to find a man who makes effort for you because that will show that he will make effort for you and your children together. The demon you are dealing with is yourself and your addiction to this particular man. Pray or do Buddhist chanting or whatever spiritual device you can use to strengthen your spirit and get over him for now. Force yourself to date other people and right now especially make your focus getting a good education and a good well paying job so you can be financially stable and independent and be a prize that any sane man would want to win. You want a man who would move mountains to be with you and this guy won’t even move a molehill. So cut your losses and stop wasting your time with a lost cause (for now,… the better a prize you are, aka independent/ financially stable , the more likely he is to be attracted to you in the future). But for now… MOVE ON!!!!!

Reply January 26, 2015, 4:02 pm

B

So there’s this guy I really like. He’s ever I want in a guy from his personality and interests down to his religion and beliefs. I’ve only known him for about a year but it’s like I’ve kno him forever. He’s my best friend and we can talk about anything and everything. The problem is that he knows I like him but doesn’t realize how much I like him. I’ve neve been so afraid of losing someone before. When we are together we act like we are dating. We always kiss and do other things couples do. He says he doesn’t have time for a girlfriend which I believe due to the fact he’s in college, he helps his dad on the farm, has a job and has began trucking also. He asks me to go trucking and to help him work on his truck and semi even though he knows I know nothing, we alway give each other massages and the people I consider to be like second parents to me are like second parents to him. He’s honestly someone I can see spending the rest of my life with. I just don’t know what to do because it feels like we are dating but I don’t know how to ask him how he feels about me and if we are just friends or if we are more without being clingy. I have lost all interest in all other guys because of my feelings for him. What should I do and how should I ask him.

Reply January 25, 2015, 8:29 pm

queenbeetv

What do you want? If you want to have a boyfriend who is committed to you, then move on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, all that great stuff: massages, second parents, help him do his work, blah blah blah. Doesn’t matter. He doesn’t want a relationship with you and has told you so. Your problem is your fear of losing him. If you had him, really HAD him, you wouldn’t have that fear. That fear is your gut instinct telling you to run for your life because this guy is gonna tear you a new one in your heart if you let him. Your problem is your addiction to him. Move on, find a guy who would be proud to call you his girlfriend. If this guy really likes you then he’ll come after you, if not then, yeah it sucks big time, but you dodged a bullet and got out before you invested another minute in that loser.

Reply January 25, 2015, 11:31 pm

pinky

hi guys , i met one of my old friend whom i barely know on 2015 new years and we started toking . Day after we slept together and we decided it will be one time thing. But now i have developed feelings for him and started liking him and we both live in different cities so i need your advice . Should i say him about my feelings or what should i do..Help me.. thanks

Reply January 6, 2015, 12:46 am

queenbeetv

Let him come after you. Let him make the first move. If he doesn’t you have to move on. Do yourself a favor and move on quickly, so at least you won’t have lost much time if he does not reciprocate your affections. If you haven’t heard from hi, it probably means he is just not that into you. that sucks! I know, but at least save yourself more time and grief and move on asap.

Reply January 25, 2015, 10:30 pm

jade

I met a guy online 2 years ago ..It started out whitty and fun but then he had a death in his family . He was devasted andwe got very close through ttext and phone. .a while later we got very sexual and I emphasize VERY…but we would still have great normal conversations….due to feeling obligated over the death …he ended up getting back with his ex for a very short period of time.( I was supportive and even understood due to the circumstances that I won’t get into for time sake) it did not last …and we resumed our relationship … I then told him not only was I dating but that if he wanted to keep me then he needed to treat me right and take me out… He did ( we live 5 hours apart) it was a wonderful date ..he pulled out all the stops …doors opened …flowers .. U name it….band yes we slept together and the sex was unreal …amazing….very passionate…the next morning he had to leave early ( which I knew b4 hand) we kisses and hugged and both expressed what a great time we had… That day I texted him to tell him he had forgot something …he explained it wasn’t important and not to worry about it…anyway its day 4 and I have not heard a word Frm him…. I am hurt and feel like I am questioning if we should have slept together….does he feel the chase is over ? He got what he wanted ? I don’t want to contact him…..I know he knows better then this…. What should I do ? What the hell is he thinking?

Reply January 5, 2015, 7:18 am

lynney

hey jade, oh well at least you had an amazing sex. Just think about the good times you guys shared together. Maybe he’s gonna contact you cuz you guys have a great chemistry together and plus I think he likes you or maybe he won’t that’s if he still wants to explore his options. Which ever way try not to think about it..I know you really like him but I live by this motto “guys come, guys go”

Reply January 15, 2015, 11:49 pm

Linda

What do I do?

Was in a relationship with a guy for a little over a year. He decided to back off (this past May) due to some life circumstances (mainly mine). That broke my heart, but I mirrored him. He did stay in my life mostly by phone, but he dropped the pet names (except for honey and sweetie). Since May (it’s now December of course), we got together about once a month. Twice was for sex. Since May, he’s only told me he loves me once, and that he missed me two or three times. I ended up not feeling very good about having sex with him afterward, those two times. I just can’t be an FWB, which is what I think he really now wants. We have not been intimate since August, and I’ve only seen him to hang out for a little while 5 times since then (and only 2 were initiated by him). Now he wants to see me again and “spend the day” together. I’m pretty sure I know what that means.

I know guys like to leave the relationship as-is. But there’s no way I can have sex with him after the way our relationship has been over the last 6 months. How can I get this across to him without making him want to run the other direction?

Reply December 20, 2014, 9:21 pm

queenbeetv

Hey Linda, Remember actions speak louder than words. Be nice, be cool, be fun, be friendly. Just don’t have sex with him. It’s not like guys really listen anyway. They listen to actions. Get your life in order and date other people. If he doesn’t come around after that, you have to move on. The longer you wait, the clock is ticking and as the Aerosmith song goes “All those lines on my face getting clearer”, so move on and find a guy who can behave better and lock down a commitment to you. time waits for no one and you should wait for no guy. If he’s into you he’ll chase after you and won’t let you escape. If not, then good riddance to bad rubbish

Reply January 25, 2015, 10:25 pm

GL

When men are like this you have to just nip it in the bud, no matter how much it hurts. It’s a waste of your life. There are plenty of men (I hope, at least), who are mature and want a relationship! I have ment 4 guys in the past year who “didn’t want a relationship.” Two of them, I ran. One of them…I had a sordid messed up relationship and demanded commitment. He finally did, but it was such a bad match things went downhill. I remember being in a lot of pain because he didn’t want commitment. I recently met this awesome guy…we were going to start something casual (my request). Well for him, casual meant, acting like we’re together, having sex, but not chance of a relationship. It made me so mad because I wanted true casual sex with no strings attached, HE was the one who started saying shit like: “I like you….I feel so comfortable with you…blah blah.” When I asked him if he wanted kids he thought it was “creepy.” Bullshit. I had a manchild on my hands. Screw that crap! Ladies there are men who want a relationship!

Reply December 10, 2014, 10:35 am

queenbeetv

Hey GL, you are right! You go girl!

Reply January 25, 2015, 10:26 pm

Ivy

Hey guys i really need advice now i feel really bad and confusing, i’m in the same situation like this.
Me and the guy who i met online, we met the first time we just hang out for dinner and went to the bar listening music. And the next day i met him again in the other bar with his friends. And his friends left, so only me and him stayed until morning then we came to watch sunrise and came to his apartment, im kinda like him but i told him nothing will happen ok so we just slept and he put his hand over me a bit until morning and sex happened. And we keep hanging out together, sometimes only us sometimes with his friends, and all the time we meet not only about sex, we enjoy spending time together like talking, go to play games, go to bar and chilling out …etc etc… But i often see him go on dating side, also he told me that he doesnt wanna date because he want freedom…so i just keep being with him because i hope somethings will change oneday.
When we are together and i see he feel really good when we cuddle in bed and in the morning he woke up and he said to himself “no, whats wrong with me?!!” And i asked why then he said “i feel really really really like you”..and when we took photos together he was gonna send to his friends on whatsapp with the caption is “my love” and then he just say “noo” then he didnt send it. And day by day, he keeps saying that why am i always smile and happy… we are together about 1 month now, he doesnt text me a lot just some little chat for a day, he said he doesnt wanna text it just like teenager. And i wanna stop that because my feeling for him is stronger everyday so im scared that i will end up getting hurt so yesterday i told him i wanna stop, we will be friend and no hug, no kiss, and no sex. And he asked me if we hanging out like friends will im sad if he talked to other girls, he said if he see i talked to other gus he may not like it. He confess to me that he afraid that if we are in a really relationship like a real couple he might get bored quickly, its not because im not interesting or whatever but all girls he have dated that always happen to those girls and he broke up them, he said im a great person so he doesnt want that happen to me so thats why he said he doesnt wanna date me, he satisfied with this situation and he understand that im not satisfied with it.
After the chat we met and talk, he said he respect my decision because he didnt want me to feel bad because of him, i dont deserve it. He told that when he was in the bar waiting for me, have another girl come to talk to him like flirting him and when i come the girl asked him am i his gf then he doesnt know why he said yes straight ahead, said that he doesnt want make me sad.
So after convo he said im the one told him about stopping so he will let me decide, he doesnt want me to think he is using me or whatever, then i said we will be friends but no hugging no kissing no sex… Then he asked me if i saw him talked with orher girls will im sad, i said yes, and he said if he saw me talk to other guys he might not like it but maybe he will think its ok, he said its my life i can do what i want. And he said he doesnt like dating because he was in relationship about 4 years with ex gf and its always where are u what are u doing!!!he doesnt like it. And he told that when we was in bed cuddling he felt really good and he always think that im so cool but inte morning when he wake up go to work he just feel like he wanna be alone, when he go to work he is busy and he didnt think about me or miss me. So then i decide i will start get to know other guys and he can do the same, he said ok but seems not really agree then he said “that’s sad” i asked why and he “because i really like u” and then he said “can we just be like before and we will see in the future” so i said yes. I feel im so weak i wish that first he said ok lets stop, dont say anything else so i could stop easily. And then we slept together after.
I feel so confusing now, i dont want to be like this but i have no power to move on. Please everybody give me an advice, what should i do, what do you think about this guy?
Thank you for reading this.

Reply November 28, 2014, 7:35 am

alia

Stop being wishy washy and stick to your word. Decide what you want, announce it to him, and then go about your life. You can’t be just friends now, it’s too soon. You need some time apart, a few months.

Reply January 16, 2015, 11:07 am

magi

Wow v interesting article, it has been a while, no body is posting here, would I have a response to my story if I posted

Reply November 6, 2014, 1:06 pm

gratefulreader

Real great advice here. Thanks! ^^

Reply November 1, 2014, 2:28 pm

Sarah Carr

Thanks guys! Feeling a lot better now. And I do agree about holding out on the sex.
I just dont jnderstand why he would write that on his profile “online for dating and if it goes further too thats cool” if thats not what he wanted.. or if it was just not with me? I asked him in a text and he hasnt replied.

Reply October 9, 2014, 4:30 am

Blueberrie

He wrote that because he can’t write “just want to get laid” otherwise no girl would likely go out with him. You really can’t believe anything a guy writes on his profile, sorry to say and sorry for any guys who are actually honest, the liars ruin it for any good guy out there. I know guys who write that they want to get married and have kids on profile, only to exclusively date a woman who is not divorced and can’t have kids, admitting that they only put that on their profile because girls like to hear it and it gets them dates. It’s hard because women are so nice and naive and believe the things that guys say, unfortunately men don’t usually have those good intentions. Sad but true. I agree with Ivy though, if you had asked him straight to his face if he’s looking for a relationship, you can usually tell if he’s lying or not and he likely would have told you the truth, when face to face and confronted with that question. But even at that, he might have meant relationship on his terms meaning “all about him”. It’s best to really determine for yourself what sits well with you or not, actions he takes etc etc.

Reply October 9, 2014, 9:27 am

Sarah Carr

I just think it would be a lot easier for him to say online that he wanted only dates or no commitment and it would have saved this conversation! He sent ne this message this morning- what a waste of time!
“Sorry that I left it a day before responding.
It’s nothing specific that you did, it’s a feeling I got from how we spent our time together, I got the impression that you wanted it to go in the direction of something serious. But you’re right though, I fell into the trap of following that road too in my actions, I don’t know how to keep it casual, maybe that’s why you thought I was a nice guy.”

Reply October 9, 2014, 11:47 am

Ivy

Sarah, Things aren’t always black and white. Maybe when he filled his profile he wasn’t sure what he wanted. Also, just because a man doesn’t want a serious relationship that doesn’t mean that he automatically turns into a rotten dude. So then women think cause he’s nice, sweet and isn’t saying he just wants to F*&% that he must want a relationship – that simply isn’t true. Best not to believe online, best to ask and get the answer from the guy and the earlier the better that way it’s general and you don’t have to take it personally. Just leave this guy be, you two are on different paths and if you don’t want the same thing you are not right for eachother.

Reply October 9, 2014, 12:30 pm

Sarah

Thanks Ivy. Its good to get an impartial view.

October 9, 2014, 3:00 pm

Vicki

Sarah..ur story reminds me of mine..I just went thru this with a guy I met online . I wonder if it was the same site? Or the same guy? And trust me when I say this…run away from this guy for good or u will wind up hurt and confused like I am now. He’s doing u a favor by showing u who he really is. My guy was so sweet and so passionate whenever we were together that i ignored all the red flags and believe me looking back now I realized I should have seen it was coming. He made plans for our “future”together and all these things we were gonna do together. We never fought …got along great..sex was really good and he called me his ggf.. and his baby and said he told his sis and mom about me!! Wanted to meet my friends..met my sis and niece. Slept over by my house even a few times when I had to work..he stayed and waited for me to get home. Then last Monday night we had our first fight I guess and since then has not returned texts or calls. Just like that he disappeared from my life. I’m crushed and left wondering what I did wrong and the answer is nothing! I was very good and patient with him and understanding of the fact that hewasn’t working right now so we stayed in a lot and watched movies together…ordered pizza.. just chilled and I was fine with that. He kept saying when I start getting more money we are gonna go out and have fun. I told him I didn’t mind not going out all the time and was happy just being with him. I wish I wld have just listened to my gut when I felt Luke things were moving a little too fast. Now it’s too late because he did hurt me and now I just want to forget him and all his b s.

Reply October 15, 2014, 2:17 pm

Sarah Carr

Hey everyone, I would really like some advice.
so I met a guy online, we hit it off and after a week he asked to meet.
On his profile it said “online for dating and if it leads to more thats cool too”.
We got on really well, however the first time we met we had sex, which I know wasnt the best idea.
henwas really enthusistic and asked to meet again, he text a lot, like at 7am before going to work etc.
we went out on dates and alsp stayed in each others houses. He was full of suggestions about whete to go and when.
he did seem a bit cagey about his past and never spoke about his past relationships but I did mention a bit about mine.
We really had a great time and the sex was amazing too.
The last time we met we went to a bar where I used to work and there were some people there that I knew. Maybe he didnt like this. We had dinner the night before, Monday and that night Tuesday, went to that bar. The rest of the week his texts tapered off and did notnhear much from him until late evening and him saying he was busy at work. No text at all Saturday and by Sunday I asked him if everything was ok. He replied that he realised that we hadnt had “the chat”?and that we should have spoke before about what we both wanted. He suggested meeting up but I refused asking what he wanted to say. He eventually called asking what it was that I wanted out of this. I said that I thought we got on well and that I would like to see where it goes. He sounded stressed and replied that he wasnt one to go from girl to girl and always ended up in relationships and that they ended in disaster. He said he was not in a place to commit. I was genuinely shocked. I said ok and bye. I later text to say that I hoped I hadnt put pressure on him and it seemed over exaggerated, and did he want to meet and chat. He replied that if it seemed over exaggerated that he was just tryi g to be honest, he apologied for not bringing up the conversation sooner and that he did not want to get involved in a relationship right now. I asked if he felt pressure from me and he said he was starting to feel like things were going that way and pressure was starting to bear. I really dont know what to think and feel like why would he write that on his profile if he didnt want dates to go further? I feel like its my fault.
I really dont feel like i was overbearing and it just seemed to be going normally and naturally. I even didnt reply to all of his texts in the last week and tried but play it cool but I think he had already started to retreat at that stage.
I would love some feedback

Reply October 8, 2014, 8:40 am

Blueberrie

You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just that you probably were looking for a relationship and he wasn’t. Happens all the time. I would suggest you hold off on sex until you get to know a guy a little bit better and see if he sticks around, often they don’t. Guys post stuff on their profile to get a date hoping it will lead to sex and they honestly don’t think that much farther ahead than that. Don’t believe a word a guy says, his actions will show who he really is.
I actually just went through the same thing… date one night went very well, he asked me back to his place at least five times on the date and I declined as I’ve been there done that, needed to know who he really was and what his actions would reveal. So he suggested on that date that we go out again on the weekend. He was good with calling and texting right after the first date, then communication slowed down, weekend came and I did text to find out if he still wanted to go out as he hadn’t really set anything specific up. Oh suddenly he had personal issues that he had to deal with but rebooked for another night during the week, well that night came and went and didn’t hear from him. Goes to show you, you just don’t know how a guy will behave or if he’s really interested, had I slept with him the first date I likely would have felt somewhat used and hurt by his behaviour, but as it stands, I’m glad I didn’t because he is obviously a flake and was just looking to get laid. And to be honest, most men out there behave this way. If you can, hold off for a couple of months with any guy you meet and see how he behaves. Honestly 9 times out of 10 guys are going take the easy route and go with a girl who will sleep with them and put up with their lazy, unreliable ways. If you want to be that girl, fine, but I know I don’t want to be and cannot tolerate a guy who behaves that way, it hurts me and it hurts my pride and self esteem to be treated that way so I wait it out now. And trust me I’ve had guys get really mad and mean and abusive because I won’t sleep with them, they try everything but I won’t give in because I can’t stand being treated that way. It makes me very angry inside and I don’t like feeling that way.

Reply October 8, 2014, 10:40 am

Ivy

You did not do anything wrong to the guy, but you could learn from this experiene and perhaps think if you’d like to handle things differently going forward. For example, wouldn’t it be great if you had asked him if he was dating for a relationship in general on the first date? If he said no, you could have walked away and saved yourself from investing in the guy. If he said yes, you could have just dated and got to know him. Second, your gut told you that something was off and he wasn’t discussing past relationships, you are right, that is a sign that a man is limiting the emotional investment. You didn’t listen to your gut but you blame yourself which is unnecessary. Third, he did not want to meet your friends, that is not your fault, it is based on his goals for keeping it casual. Last, if you want a relationship then you should have one before getting physical, when the physical comes before the emotional connection you are left with a superficial connection that might mean little to a man but a lot to you. So no, you did nothing wrong to him, you didn’t scare him away, he never wanted to get close and he was just hoping that you were cool from casual from the 1st date and since you didn’t ask those important questions, he thought you were. Move on to the next fish in the sea.

Reply October 8, 2014, 12:19 pm

Danielle

I hope I am posting in the right place as I really need a bit of advice.
I have been seeing a guy long distance for about 5 months now. Things were going well and we saw each other most weekends. It doesn’t really bother me much on the weekends that I don’t see him as I believe that everyone is entitled to their own time and space. He has been open and honest from the start and said he likes me but doesn’t want the added pressure of a serious commitment right now as there are lots of things he is dealing with. We speak via skype and text almost everyday. In the past few weeks though I think I have put out a bit of a needy vibe and he has picked up on it. We have chatted about where things are heading a lot. I have told him that I am happy with the way things are at the moment and all I do want is to spend a bit of time with him, go on dates etc. I think that things need to progress naturally. He got a bit freaked out and thought I wanted more, he says that right now he can’t give me more and I deserve better. He wants to be selfish with his time and not have to answer to anyone or consider anyone either. He said that perhaps we should take a bit of time and space to think things through… He said that perhaps he needs the time to stop freaking out and I need the time to think if think if this is what I really want right now. I said that I would respect his time and space and he can contact me when he is ready. It lasted a day, he contacted me the next day to say that he was sorry if he has upset me and cares about me and that he is not promising anything but will take some time and space to think things through. Again I agreed that this was a good idea and that I would respect his time and space….. he contacted me 3 days later to say hi and see how I was, I kept the conversation light and chilled, we chatted for about 45 minutes but nothing was mentioned about if he had decided anything. Now, I will continue to give him his space and time and wait for him to contact me again…. Am I wasting my time here? Am I right in giving him time and space? Do I bring it up again or do I just leave it and carry on keeping the conversation light? Do I suggest him coming down for a weekend again in a couple of weeks? So confused as to what to do, so any advice would be great.

Reply October 4, 2014, 12:23 pm

Ivy

To be perfectly honest anytime I ever heard of a guy saying he didn’t want anything too serious, it seems to almost always turn out that he does not commit to the girl he said this to and the relationship doesn’t go anywhere. I think you are trying to be all cool and give him space but you are secretly hoping that by doing that he actually commits to you in the future and I think he is picking up on this. If you actually did not care if this guy would ever commit to you I don’t think you would even be asking this question. The only time it works when a girl is so cool and non-chalant with dating a man that doesn’t want to commit is when she actually could care less if he ever did or not and that probably is a 5% exception and not the norm. This guy sounds interested in you, but it’s clear he isn’t interested in anything serious and anytime he senses that this means more to you then he will find a way to manage down your expectations by pulling away. If you are seeking a relationship then I would seriously consider dating a man who says he is interested in that from the onset. Otherwise, you put your heart at risk.

Reply October 6, 2014, 4:14 pm

Rae

I am talking to a Guy and right now we are just friends. We are both interested in each other, but this won’t progress into a relationship anytime soon (or at all I’m not sure) because he isn’t ready to get into a relationship because of the baggage he has from his previous relationship. He wants to continue to build our friendship though, because he is hoping it will lead to a relationship between us. I guess my question is here is, How long will it take before he moves on emotionally? Will we have our chance? Or should I just leave it as a friendship? Or should I just give gimme time to heal and let things take their course?

Reply October 2, 2014, 6:33 pm

Ivy

If a man isn’t ready for a relationship but says you can build your friendship then you should do just that if you want him as a current friend. However, building a friendship means you are dating other men, you are not invested into the relationship because it is a friendship. It also means you release any expectations that you could ever even become more than friends. Nobody here can possibly know how long it will take for this guy to move on emotionally, or even if when he does you will still be friends, or he will want a relationship with you. These are the unknowns of life and love. All you have for certain now is a man who would like to be frirends with you. If you want to be friends and release expecations for what you want this to be – a relationship, then be friends. If you are hoping to pretend to be friends while really wanting a date on the calendar of when you and he can start a relationship, then that isn’t gonna work. As far as dating, you’d be better off with a man who wants to date you and is open for a relationship. As far as friendship it is a great place to start a possible relationship, but you need to take it for what it is, it is a friendship and everything else is unknown. As it is a friendship you date others and let the cards fall where they may.

Reply October 6, 2014, 4:23 pm

Kyra

Well as all you ladies I’ve been in the same situation. Two times I had a fwb for 6months I was getting emotionally attach to him. And I really liked him and he just ignored my true feelings and the only kind of conversation he would be interest to talk with me was about ‘SEX’. Until finally after does six months I just stop having that strong emotion for him. And I told him we had to stop I’ve move on an found a boyfriend which it was actually true. But I needed a way out and I don’t have any more feelings toward him. I live on a small island call caye caulker and I saw him an I jus turn my face to ignore seeing him. And this ass still has the courage to stare at my ass n watch me from head to toe!!! He then apologized to me later in the night about everything and said he was a mean person. P.S Ladies { men don’t realize, how great we are till they loose us}

Reply September 11, 2014, 8:05 pm

Ivy

I doesn’t sound like the guy did anything wrong to you, I mean you had an FWB with him which is a no strings attached relationship and you ended it when you developed feelings for him which is a smart decision. And of course he only talked about sex cause that was the basis for your FWB, it’s about sex, sure some FWB’s are more friends, but maybe in this case you were more like F-buddies. Maybe he is a mean person but I still don’t think you should expect boyfriend behavior when you engage in an FWB or other casual no strings relationship.

Reply September 12, 2014, 11:25 am

Ty

I been down this road a lot of times, I think it comes from you can’t find someone to be in a relationship with, you don’t want to be lonely so accept just so. It’s hard to let go once you finally realize that it gets old, your wasting your time and it doesn’t look good as a women. I’m still learning from this very day, it’s so hard because men won’t even commit because they feel it’s a waste of time, they’re selfish and they claim there just too busy. Smh! I’m like your not to busy to have just sex because you don’t have to work hard for it. It’s mind over matter, plain as simple

Reply August 31, 2014, 9:45 am

hayeon

Thanks for your advice. I have just been through something similar and could attest to your statement of “it’s your emotional state that’s causing you all the anguish”. Self love is really powerful, though it might be difficult especially for girls. However, once you realised life is still great without him, everything naturally turns out fine. Key is really to be in control of your own emotions. ^^

Reply August 28, 2014, 11:52 am

van

Hi,,,
I feel cofused too much now. I met a guy one month ago. We have dating and we like each other. We have know each other very well, I understand its not possible to feel love so quickly for him. I think we have make relationship from the begining, I ever heard he say he is my boyfriend. But after we have argued too much he said we only close friend, he still not fell love with me because our mind still not fit. He like me by body much, he feel good and happy when he with me, and He like and love when we make sex.
He asked me to be only close friend until we love each other, but now I was fall in love with him, unfortunately He just accept me as close friend. and He said if I find a good guy who love me much, I should to inform to him and He will stop to contact to me.
What should I do ? Does he love me ? Does he don’t want me ?

Please help me, I want to be with him together and forever.

Reply August 27, 2014, 2:51 am

amy

So what if the guy says he doesn’t want a relationship, the girl says she doesn’t want casual, but then the guy reaches out to the girl and they get together (yes going against wants) have a great time, seems they are getting closer, he texts daily, she realizes he still said he doesn’t want a relationship and she’s going along with casual and she is confused. She wants to stop this cycle without disapearing on him. What is the best way to communicate this without going MIA or slow fading?

Reply August 6, 2014, 5:49 pm

Jennifer

Omg, I’m into same dilemma. I am still trying to figure it out. Let me know what’s going on in between you guys?

Reply September 25, 2014, 3:41 am

Amy

Hi Jennifer, So what I did was break the cycle. I had a great time with the guy and thought we really got close but after that nothing changed so I realized if I stayed in it then it would just continue on that pattern. So in person I talked to him and said I can’t continue a casual thing and that I am not into seeing multiple people and being intimate that it’s not for me. He didn’t want it to end but he was honest that he still didn’t want a relationship so that was that. After that he did ask to see me again which I declined cause I can’t just go into friendship (platonic) mode when I do like the guy. He still texts me, I don’t know if I can be friends or not, but I don’t want to be any guy’s FWB so that has to be off the table. It’s hard but I know that I want and deserve more and it’s not right for me to accept less.

Reply September 25, 2014, 3:37 pm

Vicki

Wow Amy and Jen…sounds familiar to me as well..I went thru a similar situation with the guy I was seeing and we kinda went from casual to him calling me his girlfriend and spending a week and half straight together ..sleeping at each other’s place and he was even talking about future plans to move in together! Well the fairytale didnt last too long and last Monday night he stopped returning texts and calls and I had just seen him that morning. Of course I sent him a few texts asking what was wrong and even went as far to apologizing for something I thought I did wrong and thought he just needed space since hehad spent the last 10 days in a row with me.I even asked him flat out in a text is it over? And that was yesterday..still no response as of today. I don’t know what the hell happened but clearly he didn’t mean the things he said and especially making all the plans we were going to do over the next month!! And he was the one that started all these talks about the future and it was always “we” whenever he did. I am now left with no answers and no closure and nothing but confusion and hurt! I did not see this coming and I should have.I tried to be the better person by giving him a chance to tell me what’s going on and he can’t even reply? Nothing? Just silence like I meant nothing. So that’s it. I will not let him treat me this way and def not gna contact him again. I’m so pissed he did this and esp after I was so good to him and honest. I don’t deserve this and I def learned my lesson from this one.

Reply October 15, 2014, 1:41 pm

queenbeetv

Sorry about that Vicki. But basically, the guy is a nut job and its not your problem. He just did a good job of appearing to be a sane and stable person but he is not. Cut your losses and move on. I got a fortune cookie one time after a breakup with a similar type guy and I was so broken hearted and the fortune in the fortune cookie said, “He loves you as much as he can, but that is not very much.” So don’t be hard on yourself and don’t have hard feelings toward him. He is broken. Its like buying a car and it looks all nice and new etc, and it runs really good for a bit and then it stops running, and it turns out that the engine was flawed from the time it left the factory. Nothing you can do, but just cut your losses and move on. We all get tricked from time to time. That’s why its best to just go slow in a relationship, in order to find out if there’s any factory defects before you commit to a “long trip”. Best to find out if there’s “engine problems” before you get your heart involved.

Reply November 6, 2014, 8:56 pm

Lib Pale

I texted the guy i like who is also one of my close friends that i liked him and that if he didnt like me back it was fine and i wanted to hang out with him as much before he leaves for 10 months. I want him to be honest but he hasnt texted me back after 4 days and he has read the text. When i saw him he acted like he didnt read the text but didnt talk to me as much at all. Dont know what i should do. Please help!

Reply July 28, 2014, 4:15 pm

urvi

hi…I have been crushing over my neighbor since 4 yrs ,he is living alone and is single,he has approached me on two occasion but I didn’t understand what he wanted since he didn’t say anything… then when I was interested and have told him that I like him and that he was rude on one occasion… he didn’t answer back . cut to one since I’ve told him … he continues to avoid me and if he sees me coming he shuts the door loudly if i am standing there doesn’t even say a hello. it really hurts me… but i keep my cool i continue to live my life… but i wish he would talk to me…he looks at all the women but avoids me. what do i do?

Reply July 27, 2014, 3:26 pm

Alexis

I like this guy.. Possibly even love! But you see he is my older sister`s friend so I`ve known him since i was about 13, and liked him every since. I know him so well and he knows me just as well. I`m 17 now but he turned 21 two days after my birthday. We talked and flirted from April until a few days ago I confessed my full attraction to him!! It was nerve wrecking waiting for his reply. I was so excited to see what he had to say, though it was not what I was hoping for.. He replied “Oh wow Lex i def. wasn`t ready for that! I`m really flattered and you`re really pretty but you`re just a little too young for me… I`m sorry for being so blunt but I just don`t want to lead you on but I still love you and enjoy hanging out with you!!!”.. Of course i`m so glad he didn`t just cut me off, but it still hurt a lot. But what gets me is after he says I`m “too young” he says he “just isn`t ready for anything like that right now”. Another thing is, the weekend before I texted him that we ended up sleeping in his bed together cause the couch was taken and we kissed but I told him sex was not happening and he was completely okay with that! He continued kissing my back and just being sweet! Which was very confusing considering the fact that he said I`m too young. We`ve hung out since then and things are the same if not the same better, even a bit more flirty. I just don`t know how to feel or what to do. I need a llil help, maybe some advice?? It would mean a lot! :)

Reply July 17, 2014, 11:54 am

Zeezee

I have a problem I finally got the guys number I’ve been crushing on and yesterday he told me that he’s not looking for anything serious because he has been engaged before & he rather have fun for now. Idk will he ever want anything serious he told me that straight up (which I’m glad he was honest) but the more we talked it seemed more like he wanted a sex buddy. I wanted to start off as friends then see where that leads us, I just don’t want to have sex with him now that I know he doesn’t want a relationship. What should I do diss him or take a chance to see how our relationship would end up?

Reply October 4, 2013, 6:35 pm

MgbengasaChinenye

Diss him, because it’s clear he doesn’t want you, most guys want a sex buddy and nothing serious from that sex buddy. It’s better you diss him than hurt yourself. It’s hard but trust me it’s worth it.

Reply November 26, 2013, 3:19 am

Bea

I have been in an on and off situation with flirt man for two years – The first year of our relationship we were together all the time, his son was away at university and he was getting over a 12 year marriage where he wife ended it – After his son came back, shortly after the dynamic of our relationship changed. He became distant and when I called him on it and other things like text messages from several women, at all times of days – and weekends – things came to a boil and it was over one week before my birthday, and one day before a gala we were attending for first time together. After few months no contact I would get his text message asking how are you? and slowly we started to see each other more and more – and for the past five months we have been at it again – He does not change, but this time around he would always be saying things that would drive the point we were not in a relationship – he would flirt with women in front of me, would reel me in when he wanted and reel me out when he wanted – this caused my enjoyment of being together to diminish – our FUN times only felt like that when he let himself go –
He had friends that were losers, ugly and always boasting about women they picked up and slept with, and being on ” sex only sites” Now……I look back and here are my conclusions after three days of ending the relationship that was not a relationship –
1.) when one is around a person that is purposely driving the message of not wanting to be in a relationship it is demoralizing and not uplifting and makes you feel horrible –
2.) Look at who his friends are. If he surrounds himself with men that are losers and women chasers and openly say that they are not into having a decent wonderful woman with them, that they are into filth – you will not be welcome and if you are with him in their company they will make sure to say and do things that will provoke you and drive you away – this then leaves him free to join their pity party of idiots –
3.) If this person goes away with you to paradise and he says something like this is great ! but it would be even greater to come back with the entire family – !! he is not into you –
4.) If all of these things are happening I cannot see how one can act like all is fine and wonderful and good – It is a matter of choice and I choose what people I hang out with and at this point in my life I want to choose those who appreciate me and are joyful being around my company – best thing about your article is putting the focus back on me ! It is about me feeling good and secure and happy – not about me doing and acting how he wants to forsake my happiness in order to make him happy and not me – ( NOT ) let him caravan with his friends who were both left by their wives and he makes the third amigo – something happens to men when they are left by women that is far more serious than when women are left by men –
Processing this but feel way better than last time when I was a total mess !

Reply June 9, 2013, 7:11 pm

Tamara

I liked what you wrote, I think you have quite a good understanding of people and yourself. I just read a few of your articles and you give some good advice without giving too much of yourself away. It’s good that you are telling people to love themselves to remain respectful to others and be balanced. You are doing a job that our mothers should have done but were too busy working and fighting with our fathers that made them forget themselves. You could take this role further if you wished… and teach people about real love on a deep level, not just the illusion of this material attraction, would you be qualified or desire to take up such a task? :)
I wish you well.

Reply April 22, 2013, 6:25 am

Bea

JAJAJAJA that is a great one ! Yes they were too busy fighting with our fathers – which is a horrible bench mark – my mother put up with so much from my father !
And looking back she was really so much more than he was and so much more than the women he married after her – I saw my mother suffer and go through life always worrying and suffering and certainly do not want to go through life like that too. It is about balance and being in center and happy with life and oneself – the rest is gravy – or the dessert – should not be the core to our happiness –

Reply June 9, 2013, 7:15 pm

blue

I have to say, i liked this article and it is very true and sometimes we just have to be reminded of it. it’s sort of like ripping a bandaid off… you do it slowly and it hurts like hell, rip it off and it only hurts for a minute and then you are fine.
This helped me with current situation I am in with a guy….
thing is I do love my life and i kinda love him too, and it’s hard to let something go that you think would add a “final touch” to your life. feel like I wouldn’t be complete unless this guy was my boyfriend/husband, honestly do look at him that way… but he’s not ready for a relationship or something like that. very hard. it’s hard because i guess I’m picky and find it difficult to meet anyone i feel would really add to my life. This man is very soulful and caring and a lot of fun… hard to let that go, hard to find.
anyway, ripping bandaid off… and I know i’ll be fine. thanks for the words, they helped.

Reply December 16, 2012, 11:23 pm

Cat

This falls under what your mother should have told you when you were young “why should a man buy the cow if he can get the milk for free”.
You’ve given him what he wants (sex) without him having to commit to anything at all.
Really, how did you EXPECT this to turn out?
WHY would he commit to just ONE woman and all of the trappings of a relationship if he’s free to continue to act like a bachelor but get sex whenever he wants it?
Ladies, ladies, ladies. If you are in it only for the sex yourself, then great. If you are hoping for a relationship, than you really need to stop giving the milk away for free. (Your Mom was right on this one!)

Reply November 19, 2012, 5:07 pm

lovebug

Hi everyone. If anyone could let me know what is best to do and be brutally honest I would appreciate it:
This has been bothering for months and I cant get it out of my mind. I met this guy about 3 months ago, we kicked it off at first as sex(yes wrong) however i was the one calling him, but it developed into something a bit more as time passed. He started calling, but not only for sex but to take me out, to either eat, spend the day. He was open to me, sharing his though ts with me and he told me things about his rough childhood that were very personal. I aslo told him certain things, and I caught myslef having feelings. He later told me was catching feelings for me also. Then I would noticed little things he would do that bother me, like he then started calling every 2 days and or even 4 days. which bothered me and he knew it bothered me. i wanted him to chase, so i would not called on purpose. Just recently though I stopped seeing him because There were odd things, I would noticed. We were not using condoms but somehow when i went to his house one day i saw a bunch of condoms in his table” so i said to myslef “he is not using them with me, who is he using them with” it bothers that he didnt even bother to hide them. Also when i saw his lubricant for the first time it was filled until the middle, a couple weeks later i saw it again and it was less that half and he was not using with me. These red flags made me think, about what i was really having with him. I wasnt his girlfriend, but he told me he liked me and cared for, but i felt that i still didnt want to come off on him as a bitch like i wanted to pooses him. or anything but there were times where i would let him know certain things he was doing that made me a bit jealous . Even though i did ask him if he was sleeping with someone else which he told me no( not that he would tell me yes anyways) but i guess he was really good at hidden it.
Just a few weeks ago, he once again, called 2 days later after i last saw him and this time iwas pretty fed up with it, and i told him before that I felt that he was using me but he said that he realllt likedme , that it was not about the sex anymore. He called me many times , texted me but i shut down and i just ended ocntact with him without letting him know what i was really feeling. I feel bad that everything we shared was nohing, and i love him as a person, because he came into my life, when i was feeling despair and very lonely.
The other day, i was to my way home and he spotted me, he was driving, he stopped to talk to and i said to him that it was over, pretty upset he made a right a left.
I miss him a lot but i dont know where i stand with him, and i feell like has feelings for me but not as strong as i have them for him. Feeling extremely sad i texted him the other day and I said to him “that i didnt want us to end on a bad note and that i should have spoken to him about it”, he reply with a “Its cool, i understand, I aprreciate it thank yuo, take acre of yourslef and be safe my lovely much love, i hope everything turns out ok for you” I dont know how he went from speeding off that day to this calmly reply.
my questions is should should i call him or text him not to go back to having sex with him but talk to him cause i miss himm soooo muchh? it has been 1 months in a half, but he hasnt called or text. which speeks loudly, but i dont know if he upset that i left him like that, or that he doesnt care?….Maybe i should just forget this because if he wants me in his life, he knows where i live and he definrlty has my phone number…I dont know what to think or do.

Reply October 16, 2012, 9:45 pm

Lily

I know Eric or Sabrina more qualify to answer your questions but I am in the same boat as you right now. The only different is that I don’t go after him. This what I ask him
Me: I been meaning to ask you something, is this the right time for it?
Him: yes, go head ask me……..
Me: Did you see us as a couple later on?
Him: like long term? It’s hard to say babe. I hope we keep seeing each other like we have been.
Me: yes, I want us to continue seeing each other too but don’t want us as fu**ing buddy anymore. I want a relationship. I had great time with you and thank you for being honest with me :)
Him: It’s your choice babe. I hope to see you again.
As much as it hurt me to hear the truth but I am glad to find out about the truth now than later. I re read Eric and Sabrina article and it help me a lot on making the right decision for myself. Its hard but I would not force anyone to be with me, I know he’ll comeback to me I just give him time to miss me and if he is not….there are plenty of fish in the sea. Get busy with yourself by picking up a new hobbies, go out with your friends, date other guys. We live once, so enjoy it!

Reply July 26, 2013, 12:33 am

Niki

HI…This really an amazing article. Its true that it is in our own hands . This is really helpful. Thanx

Reply October 14, 2012, 10:53 am

Jessica

I like this article and most here but sometimes I feel like I never completely relate. So taking the advice given isn’t always easy. I’ve been seeing this guy for a pretty short time (only like 3 – 4 weeks). I know we’re at the lust/infatuation stage because he lives fairly far away from me and drives almost everyday to come see me. Whether its for a couple hours or to spend the night. Except he’s told me on several occasions he doesn’t want to be in a relationship and he has a pretty hefty past. I know I like him and while I want to stay single and have fun I’m sure if he asked me out I’d say yes…I just know its not going in that direction. I’m just not sure what to do because I feel like what we’re doing now…this whole practically dating but not thing is just going to become tedious and frustrating. I know he likes me, I’m sure of it, but he likes to pretend like he doesn’t care. We’ll even bring up the chance of me hooking up with someone else, but even when we talk about it he just says he doesn’t want to know but doesn’t seem to care if I do it or not. I’m not sure what I’m looking for in terms of advice, I guess to see if people are in similar situations. I want him to want me and care about me, and it sucks sometimes when I don’t get that feeling especially when I feel that way for him.

Reply September 20, 2012, 12:22 pm

Maes

I am on the same boat. I have been seeing a guy for 3-4 weeks also, and I am digging him but I also think thats because its new. We spent a lot of time together, sleep overs and everything. I feel like he’s maybe gotten too comfortable with me, maybe getting use to the fact he has me around all the time. We are trying to get to know each other and he is always complimenting me, telling me how beautiful I am, I’m nice, sweet and that he really likes me. But I feel like he is somewhat kind of a narcissist. He even slipped up one night and told me “I love you” while I was half asleep. So here is where it gets complicated… how can he act like he is soo into me but makes sure to tell me at least 3 times already that he is not ready for a relationship. Okay thats alright, because I understand we just started to date but dont tell me you want to DATE EXCLUSIVELY, and that you would be upset if I would be sleeping with someone else. I am a little upset maybe bothered that he would make sure to make it clear that he’s not ready. I feel like he’s just using me for the comfort now. I am very observent in people’s behaviors and I noticed that he likes to be in control in a lot of things like work & probably every aspect in his life. I heard him yell at his dogs a couple of times and I told him that when he does that, that his tone of voice is actually very scary, so I said to him because we are both comfortably honest at this point, I told him “you better not yell at me like that” and I am a female all women like some compassion and this is the response I got… “Well dont make me yell at you” so I just feel like he needs to be in control of everything and be “even”. I feel like this is a game. So its tit for tat at this point I feel, and I am pretty bothered about how much I actually thought I like this guy and gave myself pretty much to this man. So one night I left in the middle of the night because he said something very inappropriate “I’m afraid, yes I am not ready for a relationship” I kind of got upset, because again why do you have to say that when we are IN BED? So he fell asleep without trying to comfort me when he knew that kind of bothered me I was hurt and I left without notice in the middle of the night. And its been 2 days and I have not heard from him ONCE. ISNT HE A DOUCHE BAG? I think my intuition was right. So point is dont expect me to spend all of this time, sleeping over, “getting to know eachother” and “LOVE” or LIKE me soo much, basically acting like my boyfriend but making sure that you are not ready for a title, and that I will stick around. If he isn’t chasing me now knowing I was upset that night, then he sure in hell does not deserve any more of me. I have to say I am very disappointed and I feel maybe he was just having fun and wanted me for my body. But this is how we learn… I just have to let it go. I hope I made the right decision because that is what my heart is telling me.

Reply September 28, 2012, 6:37 am

cat

Run as far and fast as you can. Dont waste another day! He is an abuser and it will
Only get worse. I know from experience so please take my advice. Be careful and get support before you leave him.

Reply April 14, 2013, 9:37 pm

Lisa Joseph

terrific… Great Advice& inspiring Issues Giving Me sold Motivation*I read all of your articles..Liked &agree w All the advice thats why I’ask for some heavy duty advice hereIam stong & confident successful gal I think I do knw the diffrnce bet right & wrong &dealing with feelings &Emotions & addressingthemI had been married for 20 yrs before my divorce & I had a wonderful healthy relationship w my hubby who was my best friend & vice versa we woked togthr than hegot ill passed on Now the scoop. I hv been sex partners & extremely intimate w my nxt door neighbor for 4 yrs we can talk about anything & aftr having Wild sex for hours upon hrs we stay uip & talk about our emotions & feelings about life for another 3-5 hrs &then I feel for him & want him as Mine. Iam 48 & want to share a solid future & Need more from a Man than just being
Just what s going on between us being Me I& I wanna Love & be Loved (Doesnt everybody Need/want that?)don’twant to waste time that I cant get bk anymore He is 58 & Nevr Married I believe una vailable due to being abandoned by Mom & probably 2 Ex’s he’s afraid & emotionally unavailable. He denies hes emotionally Unavailable.He claims he’ll marry somebody one day joke s and only contacts me via text saying I love u Lisa& Maybe We will Marry One day Huh? I ask what he did sat Nite he claims hewent out on a date & he claims she only wanted sex w him I think he says that to get me jealous wanting to only to (F*ck)Pardon He claims& Probably is playing w me” Gee I didnot realizeHow Mch I miss u Lisa Until I’m with youDear; havng fun with u is great & you are beautiful Sweety” & He Laughs at Me.Nobody deserves to be treated poorly Plus he didnot even call me or contactMe for my birthday.Yes I realize not good So do I say goodbye to him in personOr Just forget him & never contact him ever again after treating me so Poorly & Hurting me the way he has I actually emailed him that I felt like a Cheap used Slut theday after our booty eve .. I also n eed boundaries even w a booty Man who I now have feelings for but don’t like bein Played .I like to focus & sayin it like it is cuz then I knowwhere I stand & know my plans for movin forward.This Man tells me we Have tremendous chemistry w is great I think But big dea so what & what do I have from it ??I dont mean monetarily I mean inscheme of things Life is short & Don’t like using people or bein used overall I just like to know what the dealis & then deal w what I have to. when addressed . He just makes me feel Uncertain which has never occurred in My Life I need some help here how to handle this Heonly listens when hewants to But I am an adult.Heclaims he doesnt want a relationship ( Probably Just not w Me) than why is he supposedly on the dating scene? Why does he ask me what I want to do w the rest of My Life?Alkso Will I miss him if he moves 10Milesaway I don’t know what he is referring to Is he testing Me to see what I say? or JustLike beating around the bush to hear what my answer will be.. sorry for the Lengthy post I’m confused but am asking for help i feel terrible about this too LisaSue

Reply September 14, 2012, 1:13 pm

Lisa Joseph

I guess Imust try to eliminate this man foranything healthy to occur within My Love Life to move forward?I’m sure it will be extremely dificult for me . This Man & I continued texting one another.I refrrd to him asa playboy He says he enjoys playboy This whole scenario W this Man is kindof clear thinkBut I was taught youmay get what ugive. Now this Guy is actually not nice to me Overall Heplaysw my head mind games He txtMe see ya Off to Italy to bring Bk My Wife Lisa.. I txt bk gd LuckDear congrads Im not yr chump Take CarePal Hisreply U are So sexy whn u Get Mad Do I just Ignore this Person forever Cuz i dont care forgames pain & wannabe unappreciated.whats with this Man??Or is it ME??

Reply September 24, 2012, 7:30 am

Christine

Hi Christine,

Did you find a solution to your problem? I am in a very similar situation right now, though we have been dating for a shorter time. He’s very nice to me and treats me well but he’s not over his ex. It seems to me that as long as he somehow feels like there’s a chance they might get back together in the future, he won’t be able to even think about getting into another relationship. He just recently told me he decided to end all communication with her because he doesn’t trust her anymore (she claims she still loves him but she always had commitment issues with him) and he doesn’t think anything good can come out of their exchanges at this point. Yet he does admit he still loves her. My plan is to give it a little more time but I can’t stick around forever in light of the circumstances…

Reply August 27, 2012, 4:05 am

Christine

Sorry, I meant to say hi KERRY ;)

Reply August 27, 2012, 4:05 am

Kerry

Hi Christine,

I didn’t know you had responded until I saw this today, I know a long time has passed. I hope things have worked out well for you. They didn’t for me. As time went past, he made less and less effort. I didn’t see it until now but I basically accepted that I wasn’t as good as his ex – I thought I was being understanding and kind but I was being a push over. Over time, he became more distant – He had everything I had to offer without giving me anything back. He knew he could (and he did) flirt with and kiss other girls because he always had the ‘we’re not in a relationship’ card to play. He thought he had me hooked, he didn’t think he would lose me and went out to find someone else who had something special to offer him. I didn’t treat myself with enough respect. I basically accepted that his ex had something to offer him that I didn’t have when I continued to see him without being his official girlfriend. I think it says a lot about him but it also says a lot about me. I am kind, I am caring but I also do not value myself much. And because I don’t he never was going to either. He hasn’t left yet but he is enjoying being single. He went through a phase of telling me all about the girls who fancied him and breaking my heart more and more. In the end, I took back control the only way I could and I told him I didn’t want to be friends, as he wasn’t respecting my feelings (and I know why – because every time he hurt me before, I wanted comfort and he was the only person I wanted it from…. its a bit like giving a dog a treat everytime it pees on the carpet, it’ll never learn to go outside). He hasn’t been in contact since but he is out being a ‘sexual preditor’ as his friends nicely put it … It still hurts SO much but I know that at the very minimum I deserve someone who makes me happy more often than they make me sad, who respects me and acts like I am someone ‘special’. If he doesnt want to open his heart, you can’t make him and he isn’t blind, he can see your qualities good and bad…. is he doesn’t believe them to be special now, then wait for someone who does. Don’t let his memory (which is probably distorted) make you think you are anything less than completely worthy. Big hug xx

Reply October 14, 2012, 6:40 pm

Diamond

Heya ladies,

You all really helped me see that it’s not just me and all guys seem to be the same. I am pretty sure I scared the guy off that I started talking to because on the first date I was so attracted to him we started making out and then one thing led to another and bada bing-bada boom…I’m in his bed and stayed there all night.

The next time we went to hang out he cancelled on me last minute….he isa really busy guy always working…he does some crazy work and his schedule is not normal…he said he enjoys my company, but after he cancelled I got kind of upset becaus eit was last minute and I necely said taht I didn’t mind if he didn’t want to talk to me anymore.

Then he asked me to hang out again….and we did and it was great….itwas soo great I stayed over again and I felt so comfprtable with him…well we made plans again but itwas on a sunday and he knows taht week days are not good for me so I was kind of offended he couldn’t fit me in when it was convenient for me because the last time we hung out was on a week day as well and it is really bad for me as I have to get up really early…so I told him i couldnt hang out….then I felt bad so I said I would try and he said ok and then about 3 hours before I messaged to confirm and he said he was pretty busy, but what time did i want to come over? Well I assumed that because he said he was busy that I should just leave it alone and not go over….so I said I didn’t have to come over….and then I heard nothing from him….and then nothing again….and then I messaged him and said I wonder if we are ever going to see eachother again? amI not your kind of girl….and something along those lines because he was not giving me any attention so I figured maybe I got played….well he messaged me after that and said that he thinks I am looking fro something he cant offer me, but he enjoyes my company…” after that I got kinda sad and then I never heard from him….I sent him a couple messages and still nothing so I felt I had done something wrong….then finally I sent him a message and said taht I understand where he is coming from and all is good….still he never initiated a convo with me and when I asked if we could see eachother again he said he would let me know as he is really busy….well now it’s going on the 4th week I have not seen him. Last week I messaged a few sweet messages and then I got fed up after the last one i initiated he replied but then got off immediately…so I said that this was just not me I feel pathetic for chasing him and if he wants to talk to me he knws where to find me.

Now I feel like an idiot…I like him so much but I know I messed it up….did my emotions mess everything up for good? Will I ever see him again? Ugh, I was treated like shit in my last relationship and I guess I was expecting him to do the same to me so I was a little too agressive I guess….can I fix this? I have not heard from him at all and I am thinking of waiting a couple more weeks then messaging him to say hi….but im confused at my own self lol….oh men, why do you have to be so freakin confusing?!

Reply July 4, 2012, 3:55 pm

MinSyd

Diamond, you haven’t messed anything up, you just have to face that it is what it is. He has already said he can’t give you what you want, so what part of you doesn’t value yourself enough to say OK, and move on to someone that can?
More importantly, you have already told him you feel pathetic, admitted you were chasing him and then said if he want to talk he knows where to find me.

That’s where you have to leave it now, if you never hear from him again, it won’t be the end of your world. If he does call you, think very hard about whether this guy is really worth it. Don’t listen to nice words, let him prove himself. But from what you say, he sounds like he’s out for just a bit of fun (there is nothing wrong with that and he’s been honest with you), you want more, so trust me, that isn’t going to change.

DON”T CONTACT HIM….If you contact him now not only will he think you’re pathetic, you will too and your self esteem will plummet. Hun, I don’t think you were too aggressive, I think you didn’t value yourself enough. You made some calls he didn’t return them, hold your head high and move on.

Reply July 4, 2012, 6:56 pm

tracy

Diamond the problem is the sex on the first date very rarely do men EVER respect a girl that does that. If you had held off for a few more dates he would have put you in a different category. I understand if you are not that type of girl, and I understand that you really liked him and that otherwise you would not have done it but it’s hard to recover from that one.

Reply May 13, 2013, 10:19 am

Eric Charles

Actually, I’ve had amazing relationships that started with sex on the first date.

The sex isn’t the problem. Lacking any depth of connection and/or compatibility will kill it – whether you have sex on date 1 or 10 or 100.

The whole “sex on the first date category” stuff is a myth. It’s a powerful, prevalent and popular myth… but it’s not the determining factor in whether or not you’ll end up in a relationship with the guy.

Again, I am picky, but when I love, I love strongly and passionately. Sex on the first date is usually more evidence to me that she’s *exactly* the girl I want to be with… we couldn’t keep our hands off each other.

Reply May 13, 2013, 5:45 pm

Inga

Although I get what you are saying I must say that how do you actually know someone with enough depth, connection, and compatibility on just a first meeting. I kind of think that more often than not chemistry and physical attraction is what is actually mistaken as connection and chemistry can’t always be trusted. Perhaps sometimes one can get lucky twice, lucky on a first date, and lucky that both people are in fact compatible and not just lusting eachother. However, I still think that is the exception more of the norm.

Reply July 29, 2014, 11:46 am

Anonymous

okay so mines is pretty simple…and I think I know what is going on. I’ve had a best friend for over two years and recently I’ve felt really close to him and I told him that I like him a lot….at first he was happy and told me he has liked me for quite a while. Here’s the catch, he says that I am worth it, but recently he also told me that he doesn’t want a relationship and can’t say he ever will. Also…there have been moments where he lets his hand rest on mine or he finds an excuse to let his face get close to mines as if almost kissing me but never does. It’s a bit confusing because I don’t know what is actually happening, may I imagine things? We still talk like we always do and hang out a lot. But with time I am finding it hard to not let myself take advantage of any other situations where he will get close to me again. I told him I would be what he wants and what he wants is his best friend….but as for the girl who also likes him…well..that girl is finding it hard to understand what to do when near him…so what is it that is happening here? Thanks!

Reply April 23, 2012, 12:09 pm

MysteryGirl202

Ok, i didnt find another forum on this and im new to this but w/e. Thing is, i recently started a relationship with a guy I’ve known for almost 4 years, he calls me in th emiddle of the night and we have a small serious talk, where he tells me hes confused. He told me he still feels something for his ex girlfriend, yet he cant leave me. He asked me for some time to get his thoughts straight. I tried my best to stay calm and not let this affect him or let him notice that somehow it dug deep into the pit of my stomach. I’m worried about him. I tried my best to give him good advice and i told him i understood and decided to give him time. He wants to stay contacting me, but idk if he will start talking to her again…and…she’s very good at manipulating…Any advice?

Reply March 4, 2012, 11:30 pm

Shotzc

I met this guy in a bar about two months ago. He has my contact name as “bar” instead of my name. We’ve gone out several times and also communicate via email when were away from each other. I am thinking he has a significant other who looks at his contact list. I’ve asked him if he’s married or involved with anyone but I he avoids the subject like a plague. I don’t care to make an issue of it, we just met but should I trust my gut on this?

Reply March 2, 2012, 6:32 pm

Listen!!!

ShotzC…
You’re thoughts are clouded by emotion. Reading your post makes me want to scream at you, it’s so obvious, I can’t believe you have to ask.
The guy can’t even give you the respect of using your name, let alone give an honest answer. So yes LISTEN to your gut, the red flags are all around you, plain as day. Walk away from him, don’t reply to his calls or texts, this is clearly going to end in tears. No decent guy would call you Bar, and he’s obviously hiding you from someone else. Get outta there girl, you’re in lust not love, there’s nothing lovable about that kind of behavior. Respect yourself and clear the way for a guy who will call you by your name!!!

Reply March 2, 2012, 7:13 pm

Shotzc

Your right, I need to trust my gut. I was a clouded by the gifts he brought me from his travels and his words. It is obvious and I won’t go any further with this man. Thank you!

Reply March 5, 2012, 9:43 am

Shotzc

Hi all,

I wanted to update you on my story maybe in the hope that people out there reading these blogs will think twice about your actions before you make them. For both men and women….. treat other people with compassion and respect because you never know…
The guy I wrote about in my initial posting emailed me. He has stage 4 pancreatic cancer, basically a very very low survival rate. His email was very sad, he is married with two small children who will miss out on having a father. His apologies to me made it clear that he believes God is punishing him for his actions . Even though some of my friends told me it’s Karma, and even though he treated me the way he did, I could not wish this on anyone. We all want to have a clear conscience and the only way to have this is to treat people how you want to be treated.

Reply September 20, 2012, 12:59 pm

Sophiee

I was just wondering how would I reply to text messages well if it said “forreal”? Or “ok”. Should I just stop txting back him or what should I say??…………

Reply February 22, 2012, 4:25 pm

Patricia

Hello there this is something that is a little different for me. I have been with this guy only we are not in a relationship we have just been having sex. The thing is that i have feelings for this man and i know in my heart he has feelings for me too. I want more with him and i dont know what i should do. So what i need to know from a guy is one, How do i know if he has feelings for me?? And for two, How can i turn this into a relationship instead of us just being sexual partners.

Reply January 11, 2012, 12:18 pm

pinky love

dear Eric i have my ex-boy friend and i still love him thou he had his ex. i broke up with him but we kept on communicating and finally our communication faded. it was a relationship of four months and he seemed happy whenever we were together. i broke up because i saw that he had reduced calling and after me telling him lets be friends he called me immediately and told me someone wanted him back and asked what i could do i told him to go where hes heart is and he told me to be precise i told him that if it chose the past then it would right to go back he told me he was going back. thou after that i sent him recently a message saying that i still loved him and he posted on my wall on face book that he really loved the time we spent together and that my shit was wonderful. i know he moved on and am trying to do that but i just wonder what made him post like that on my wall. I love him still and am trying to get up thou its not easy. thanks for all you do though am really grateful

Reply January 10, 2012, 9:27 am

23wifey

I am 27 and my partner is 40 we both agreed at the beginning of the relationship that we really wanted to children until now my partner has now told me he doesn’t want any more children he cannot give me a reason why or what explain why ? he has a child by his previous relationship. So he has a son and daughter I only have one child and I always said to him I never wanted an only child. It is now affecting our relationship and he has told me that I have to make a decision whether I want to be with him or not and if I don’t I clearly don’t love him as much as He actually thought I did. My partner works full time he doesn’t do anything for our daughter I do everything he won’t get up in the night he will sleeping in a separate room most nights because he says he can’t have broken sleep he always comes home tired. It is tearing me apart I feel hurt ,empty, angry, lonely, devastated. He said if we have another child he will end up leaving me he said he’s scared of the first nine months and first year as he doesnt really have any control over the situation? but he said he’s happy to adopt a one year old but not have another child with me??? Please can someone give me an answer is eating away at me and I am continuously crying I don’t know what to do I love my partner very much and want to be with him for the rest of my life but I will regrets being with him and not having another child!

Reply January 10, 2012, 3:41 am

Xtina

I just ended a very similar sitation after a year of struggling through it. I met this guy and we were inseperable for a few months. Now, I must mention he was 6 years older than me (30yrs old) and i had never dated anyone who was that much older. He was honest with me from the beginning and said he wasn’t a good boyfriend to his ex’s, but we had fun together and I enjoyed his honesty…and the fact that who knew, maybe I could be “that girl” to change him. He was a challenge. We continued seeing each other for a year…a few months into it I told him I didn’t want to be his “convenience girl,” and I wanted more. He explained that he liked me and I was a “good time” and he wanted to continue seeing me but didn’t want the title because he didn’t want to hurt me. Funny, because I was hurting more not thinking I was good enough to be called his girlfriend. We continued to hang out and have fun for another 6 months and I almost convinced myself that it was enough for me. Deep down I knew I deserved better. I had the final talk with him after a night of drinking which was probably a mistake, but liquid courage felt necessary. Six months later I received the same response. I ended it then and there thinking he would chase me. I haven’t heard from him since.

Reply January 9, 2012, 7:44 pm

denise

Ok so I need advise. I recently divourced after a long marriage. I hooked up with a man from high school that I was friends with. We were friedns first and then we had a sexual relationship. Never really any dating back then, Anyway so we started talking and after 4 months, we ended up having sex. We had sex several times all the while he was calling me every day and I mean every day. So 5 months into it I finally work up the nerve to say something about not being able to have the casual sex with him anymore. He told me he didn’t want to date anyone. I took that to mean me. We didn’t talk for 6 weeks and then once we started back, same old routine over again. We’ve gone back and forth a few more times since. Now it’s been nearly 2 years of this and I know I should say no more. He knows I have feelings for him beacuse I told him 6 months ago. I thought I could hold back the feeliings but they were there years ago. I am not looking to get married but I do want a relationship with someone that actually likes me. My dilemma is I want to find a way to stay friends with him. When I’m not talking to him, I’m sad. I don’t know what I can say to him to make him understand that we can only be friends and that he can’t ask to have sex with me because I can’t seem to say no to him because I want to have sex with him. Or do you think we were ever friends? Maybe he was just using me for the sex? I don’t want that to be the truth. So give it to me straight. How should I handle this? End what I think is a friendship or is there a way for us to stay friends and not have sex?

Reply January 3, 2012, 10:44 pm

pinky love

i came across this site today and i love it. having similar issues like the ones in this article but i think one should just do what they love to do then they will discover that they are loving themselves and they will be happy and contented with themselves. i love writing and whenever i write i love myself more since i know that i can do this without him and don’t need him to write. it makes me even happy and i get some fresh atmosphere. man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!………………… i love this site!!!

Reply January 2, 2012, 2:04 am

Eric Charles

Thanks so much – I really appreciate hearing that. Glad you love our stuff, that means a lot to me.

Reply January 2, 2012, 4:21 pm

ivy

i dated this guy almost a year after he broke with his ex of 13 years, she wanted have kid, but he didn’t, that was the reason they broke. At the fist month being with me, he seemed very spoiled me, but after that he changed a lot, got mad at me with very lil things, finally he confessed to me that he wanted to be alone to think things , and don’t want in relationship now, but he still want sex with me overall, he also said he never felt satisfied with all his exes in the past, …i asked him if he still has feelings for me, he said he still has feelings but still need time to be alone,… i really don’t know what to do now cuz i still love him a lot, i want to move on, but on the other hand i still hope he will change,

Reply January 1, 2012, 7:58 pm

Elizabeth

Eric,

I have been dating this guy for a few weeks now, he has a child with someone else and he is also five years younger then me. I rarely get to see him even though he really tries, as he must be with his son a lot of the time. His ex-girlfriend wants nothing to do with me at the moment and does not really want their son around me either. I am trying to be patient and understanding and really make this work, but I wonder if it’s worth it. He does not want to call me his girlfriend quite yet, though he says he is in love with me? He never stays over because he must be with his son and he is always at his ex-girlfriends house with their son. I feel like I am too much of a third wheel and he is not really committed to this rship, but I am more of a friend that he can get away with. Should I move on from all of this? Do you think he will ever commit, because I semi feel crazy right now.

Elizabeth

Reply December 28, 2011, 12:30 am

Jerilyn

I just recently pulled myself out of something exactly like this but mine was a long distance thing. He never clarified to me that he didn’t want a relationship until after 5 months of stringing me along. At first he came on very strong and then pulled away. He said he wanted to hang out and see where things went but then told me recently that he did not want a long distance gf. He tried to backtrack by asking if I wanted to be friends and see where it goes from there but I just don’t see the point if he came right out and said that he does not want a long distance thing. Not to mention the fact that I haven’t even seen him in over 3 months and our conversations have turned only sexual. He tried to make me feel guilty for saying that I did not see a point in being friend. Is this true? Should I atleast try to be friends with him , even though I want more? Or should I just cut it completely and move on?

Reply December 16, 2011, 1:27 pm

Sparkle Brown

No, don’t stay friends with him unless you are okay with being only an option. If you feel like you are and option and not the whole shebang then a guy will treat you as such. Ijs @sparklebrown (tweet me!)

Reply December 16, 2011, 2:54 pm

Jerilyn

Thank you for your comment! I never thought it that way but now I see it clearly. I was an option. He knew that I would make myself available when it was good timing for him and that’s not what I am interested in. He manipulated me into thinking that it would turn into more if we started off friends. We went 3 months without seeing each other.. that looks pretty bad to me. So I did the right thing by cutting him off? Time to move on with my life and find my happiness.

Reply December 16, 2011, 5:36 pm

CiCi

I’m glad I came across this article. I recently had a huge falling out with a guy I was casually seeing. I do feel like I’ve lost a part of my self and I’m now in the process of getting that piece back. Though we weren’t in a relationship and weren’t aiming for one, the way things went down did upset me and I immediately realized I had wasted time on him that I will never get back. He basically went back to his ex and didn’t tell me anything until I saw it with my own eyes. Anyways, I know that the path for me right now won’t be easy and I know it will take time but I also know that getting that part of me back isn’t “impossible”. It sucks right now but I know that the right man will come into my life one day and I need to make sure that I’m in tune with my self so that I can give him the best of me, providing he’s on the same page as me of course. :) Thanks Eric for your wise words, “you don’t get wisdom or growth without pain and struggle”….

Reply December 7, 2011, 11:24 am

Sparkle Brown

Wow I used to be just like you. I took a whole year to learn to live and appreciate myself . Getting in shape revamping my wardrobe, pampering myself. With spa treatments and manis and pedis. Soon I had so much positive attention from guys and girls because I was happy and everyone at work noticed friends and family. It takes time but don’t focus on what you don’t have work with what you’ve got and appreciate the blessing because there are so many people who have less. Ps guys can sense when a woman values herself she won’t put up with bullshit and she has standards he has to meet. Hope I helped. Follow me @mybrownsparkles

Reply December 6, 2011, 9:05 pm

Eric Charles

Good comment – thanks for that. You got me thinking about something I want to bring up, now that you got me thinking about it.
.
I think sometimes the whole “valuing yourself” discussion gives the impression that valuing yourself equates to not taking BS, making demands, etc.
.
That’s definitely part of it, but the core of it is simply this: You know that you are whole already. You know you’re not missing anything, so you don’t settle.
.
Just that alone will naturally have you do everything that shows up as valuing yourself… sometimes it is making demands… sometimes it is not putting up with bullshit… but the core of it stems from not *needing* a relationship, just wanting one (specifically, the right one for you).

Reply December 6, 2011, 9:23 pm

Sylvia

I’m so glad I came across this article. The day before, I broke it off with a guy that I had been casually seeing because I found myself falling for him. When I told him the truth, he said that he didn’t want a relationship because he is so focused on his career and his sport. Of course, I’m pretty sure it was his way of saying that he only wanted me for sex and nothing else.

I had mentioned that I didn’t want to do this anymore, but he always sweet talked me into staying, like how he would miss me if he never saw me again, and I felt stupid for doing that.

One day, I couldn’t take it anymore and bluntly told him to lose my number and forget that we ever met.

Still trying to get over him, but on the other hand, I’m so happy to finally get out of this.

Reply November 24, 2011, 10:06 pm

C

I discovered this site by accident whilst searching for answers about guys. I’ve always had low self-esteem and I used to have low self-confidence as well. My friends/family tell me i’m pretty etc but I can never seem to believe them. I read all the articles on here about being happy with yourself and life but find it so hard to put into practice. One thing that always make me question my worth/attractiveness is the fact that i’m 26 and have never had a boyfriend. It was never an issue at school or uni but since then it really gets me down. This past year i’ve dated a few guys but they’ve all ended up with the guy disappearing or saying they don’t want a relationship. This past year i’ve put so much in with these guys and they haven’t had to try hard which maybe is a reason why it ends. Now I find it hard not to start worrying as soon as the guy starts texting less (like I am currently). I know guys can ‘sense’ negativity but I don’t know how to use the advice on this site and put it into practice.
Please help as I find it all so useful.

Reply November 22, 2011, 6:15 pm

Viviana S.

OMG! As I was reading your post, I started wondering if it was me that wrote it!! Haha I am in exactly the same boat as you. I am also 26 yrs old and to this day can say I have never had a bf. Whenever I start seeing a guy, everything seems to go perfect. I even start thinking ” this guy seems different” than the last. then one day I just stop hearing from them or they have all of a sudden become to busy. ( mind you, I don’t even text or call or seem desperate) if I see that the guy hasn’t called or at least texted a “hi” I don’t say anything either. 3 guys that I started to go out with (within a year) were all different from each other, yet reacted the same way with me. Or should I say lack of reaction, if that makes sense. Nothing happened. I just stopped hearing from them as if I never existed. I would’ve at least felt somewhat better if they were mad at me.. Some sort of emotion. But nothing. So, I have now come to think that there is something wrong with me, not physically though. I don’t know if it’s my personality, the way I carry myself,etc. now, I just feel so empty inside. I feel like I don’t even want to date ever again. What’s the Point.. But I do think I have to love and value myself, because who else will love you more than yourself.. Easier said than done.. I know I probably didn’t help much or give you advice, but now I feel like I am not alone…

Reply February 7, 2012, 3:24 am

Sam

Just discovered this website… and im in love with it!

I need to get my story out there becuase im DESPERATE for answers.
i was in a relationship,1 pretty much my whole life.since jr high.. Broke it off with him due to personal reasons(that isn’t why im writing)…and ironically not long after slept wth someone else… So this second person ive slept with in my life is a nice guy and i need help with him..

I dont want to be in a relationship, or so i think that is.. and i know at first he said he didnt either.. but the whole thing is confusing for me, because ive never been in this situation. Also we work together so i get to see him farely often. The problem with myself is I’ve never dated so i dont know how to react or handle things. we slept together after knowing each other a month, but not dating… I think he likes me, although he doesnt respond to all my texts, he does at times? After a couple days of not hearing back from him.. i seen him at work and he kissed me .. Which of course brings back on the fact that i do kind of like him and WANT to talk and hangout with him more. (I mean, we have slept together…4 times? in the past month… and he invited me for the first time out with his friends last week…does that mean ANYTHING at all??)

Now the bad part. What on earth do you do when you have drama from the ex? I have a daughter with him so we will always be close, however when i broke the news i had been with someone else and theres now way ever wed be together he went crazy.. of course wants to know who it is, and i didnt say anything….

I cant. The guy i slept with, lets just say hes high up in the company, hes only a yr older then me though. I dot know if this all makes sense.. i just dont have the time to make this clearer.

Reply November 22, 2011, 1:12 pm

tammygee

I was in a similar situation and became completely needed and assumed and accused him of being with someone else. We were already in bad places relationship wise, I’m separated and he was also still figuring out if he still loves his ex. He finally had enough and told me to go away. If I can offer any advise…live your life, try to forget about him. When I backed off, he usually came around…this is a warning if you don’t want to get to the point I am at. If you are feeling jealous, insecure or mad it is probably not your true self speaking…just some insecurity from the past likely…take my advise or you will be left alone:)

Reply November 21, 2011, 11:56 pm

Alejandra

I wana ask guys , how can i start talkin to my ex again when i hurted him . But i still want to talk to him,

Reply November 21, 2011, 2:04 am

meg

should i go away with him then start to back off him and not txt him will that help or make things worse?

Reply November 18, 2011, 8:54 am

meg

that is a really lovely article. me and my friend discuss men alot and how they react. i was dating a guy from 3months, we were constantly txtin eachother,seeing eachother we introduced eachother to our kids, went on dates etc. it was like we were already in a releationship we just completely hit it off. then he woke up one day and told me he wasnt ready for a relationship he was scared. we didnt see eachother for a 2weeks i found out he had slept with a few other girls which i didnt go mad over because we werent an offical couple. we’ve started seeing eachother again not as much as before. i no he doesnt want a relationship but i do really enjoy his company and think he enjoys mine. he asked me to go away with him for the weekend and ive agreed he sed he. he says he doesnt want to lead me on but why would he ask me to go away? i dont want to come across needy and pushy? what shall i do?

Reply November 18, 2011, 8:47 am

Elaine

Reply from an older female – if you want a relationship with him, you shouldn’t be having sex with him without commitment. If you just want to be seen as a female he can come to for sex, then go with what you want to do. It depends what you’re happy with really.

Reply December 11, 2011, 1:55 pm

MinSyd

I think this is a great article and so true. I’ve been seeing a guy (long distance) for 3 months, he calls me everyday! : ) however at one point we had a moment where he confessed he isn’t over his ex and half of him wants this relationship the other isn’t sure. I told him to work it out and let me know. It came to a head a few weeks later, I asked for more he said he couldn’t give it. So I thought it best we call it quits, he suggested we just pull back a bit, but I said how would that work, finally, he agreed…. then continued to call me everyday for the next two weeks.

I hoped it meant he’d had a change of heart. I broke down yesterday telling him it’s hard for me to move on when he calls me everyday and I can’t let go, so I suggested no contact for a few weeks. He got short and very clipped with me but finally came around to say if that is what’s best for you I’ll respect that. But so you know I still call you all the time because I love talking to you and I want to catch up with you because I enjoy hanging out with you, but I can’t give you what you want right now. I said I knew that’s why I have to do this just for a few weeks. The hurt in his voice broke my heart even more, now I feel like I’ve done the wrong thing, even though I did something for me! Eric/Sabrina what do you think? He’s never pulled away, he’s never drifted from me, he calls me everyday and I’ve gone and cut it all off. Did I make a mistake?

Reply November 16, 2011, 8:07 pm

MinSyd

Would really love some feedback?

Reply November 27, 2011, 4:36 am

Violet

I’m curious how this has turned out, are you still not in contact with him? I think if it’s too hard for you to keep in touch with him – then you shouldn’t! He’s already hurt you by dragging things out like this.

Reply December 25, 2011, 10:58 pm

MinSyd

Hey Violet, thanks for following up. He still calls me sometime and we run into each other occassionally thru work events. He is always really lovely to me. He phoned me late one night very broken over a family tragedy he’s been dealing with, and drunkenly told me even though he knew it was wrong he wished i was there, but still can’t give me anything right now and he didn’t want to drag me into his mess.
I told him I still missed him but I think we are where we need to be for now, but who knows once he works himself out. I still miss him and cry regularly but my gut tells me I’ve made the right decision, and that I am now just one of many female shoulders he’s leaning on right now. Still, it’s all I can do to not phone him and ask for another shot. I just have to remind myself he told me he doesn’t want a relationship, whether it was just with me or with anyone in general, it is what it is and I somehow need to get over it. Hope everyone else is doing ok, this is very hard especially this time of year.

Reply December 28, 2011, 2:11 am

Jasmine

Hi Eric,
I had this same problem. I was with a guy for 1+ year and he didn’t want a relationship. We went from dating to just fwb. It bothered me a lot and I couldn’t take it anymore. So I asked him to choose relationship or friends and he chose friends bc he wasn’t in the place in his life where he wanted a relationship. He lost his job when we started dating. But I helped him find a new job. It’s not a great job. I didn’t care that he didn’t have a great job or money. I just wanted to be his gf. But he chose to be friends. I said fine and no more sex then! He would still text me once in a while to see what’s up and chat a bit. I would see posts on Facebook and see pics n status updates of him and a girl. They seem to be getting more n more serious. We ended fwb in May and back in august when he told me he started dating others he said he still didn’t want a relationship. But it looks like she’s becoming his gf bc he brings her out a lot, something he didn’t do with me. It hurts me bc I want to know why her and not me? Would it be bad if I asked him about her? Please help me… I really want to know if I should just ignore n move on, or ask him about her then move on.

Thank you!

Reply November 13, 2011, 10:43 pm

G

I’m telling you there’s something magical when you carry a carefree attitude and focus on your life instead of his. You need to read more on this site. Once you let go and stop worrying about a guy they will come around and if they don’t then you’re free to date whomever. Really? You don’t care that he doesn’t have a job? Well I do. I’m not asking for a wealthy man by any means but I want someone that has their life in order as I have a very successful career. I overlooked that with my ex bc I wanted a relationship so badly. I’m in a much better place and now that I’m focused on my life he has been begging me to get back together. Don’t ask about this girl. Know that you’re amazing, fantastic and deserve the best. Walk around and feel confident in who you are and others will see that too and be attracted to you. I’m so glad I came across this site. It has changed my life. No one is worth losing sleep over.

Reply November 17, 2011, 11:49 pm

Jasmine

Thank u G
I guess it does matter that he has a good career. I would want someone with a better job. But I think about why he’s different with her. He never brought me out n posted pics of us on Facebook like he does with her. I really enjoyed spending time with him but the lack of respect towards me just drove me crazy. I know things will never happen between us and I don’t want to be with him anymore. But just seeing pics makes me feel bitter and gets me wondering “why her? I’m a great person, I was great to him and showed him support… If he was ready for something, why didn’t he come back to me?”

Reply November 21, 2011, 4:12 am

G

Jasmine
I truly believe relationships are not just about two people connecting but more so about two people meeting at the right time. Timing is more essential than just connecting. One of my good friends is absolutely stunning, successful and sweet yet her last two exes wouldn’t give her a relationship. After she ended things with them she found out that both got engaged to the next girls. Yeah can you believe it. She asked why wouldn’t they give that to me when I’m a great girl? I would defriend your guy or just not look at his profile. It’s only going to cause you hurt. My ex wouldn’t give me a commitment yet he was willing to give his ex a commitment which I never understood since they had a long distance relationship. According to him she treated him like crap and I treated him very well. I broke up with him and now I’m indifferent. I still love and wish him the best but I love myself more. Now that I don’t really care he’s wonderful toward me and begs me to get back together. I feel really guilty for talking to and spending time with him when I’m looking for something better. He’s a total filler and wants a relationship but he has to accept that a girl is only willing to give as much as she is given. Keep your options open. I look forward to new dates and prosects. A fresh new start Ahh. I promise you will like and love another guy just as much or more as this one :-)

Reply November 22, 2011, 3:11 am

Jasmine

Thanks G!
That really sucks for you and your friend. I think you are right about meeting at the right time. I met the guy at a time when he wasn’t feeling up to par. His ex cheated on him, he didn’t want a relationship and I agreed with him not wanting a relationship (even though I really wanted one, I just said it to be able to continue seeing him). After a year of fwb, I felt too used and disgusted with myself for being so dumb. I think he might’ve learned from his mistakes with me. He’s treating this girl really good. He brings her out. She’s met his family, spend holidays together and even went away together. I don’t wish good things for their relationship. I am too bitter to wish that upon him, especially since he told me he still didn’t want a relationship back in September, but here he is now showing this girl. He texts me once in a while to see whats going on, but he never mentioned her, I just see from facebook. I know I will find someone to loves and respects me one day. Right now I have trust issues. I’ve only had one relationship prior to meeting this guy. I was with my ex-bf for 9 years! After 9 years he said he didn’t want to get married so we broke up. I’m having trouble believing what men say now. But I hope that one day I will… =)

December 11, 2011, 6:18 pm

Angela Halbert

talk to him and try to get him to just be your friend hun n mayb things will work theirselves out

Reply November 10, 2011, 9:56 am

GML

Wow, this article really touched me. I’m so impressed by the advice here. Personally I’m trying to work on loving and respecting myself more. I absolutely believe if you’re satisfied with your life and who you are then others will have much less of an impact on your state of mind. I’m so glad I read the response.

To the person that wrote the question I wouldn’t put any weight on birthday wishes. I’ve forgotten people’s birthdays and others have forgotten mine. I’m always very thankful and appreciative when people wish me a good day but I never expect it from anyone. People have so much going on in their lives that it’s very easy to let a day slip by. Don’t take it personally.

You already told him that you don’t want a casual relationship so why reiterate it. He already knows. I’d carry on with your life. If you’re not comfortable with the current situation than don’t initiate any convos. If he texts I’d respond politely. Treat him as you would any acquaintance or friend.

Reply November 9, 2011, 11:29 am

Eric Charles

Thanks, I appreciate that. Glad you liked the article.

Reply November 11, 2011, 8:41 pm

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