There’s this guy at work that was pursuing me since last November. We’re so similar that it is scary. He used to joke that I was his twin who was separated at birth or his future wife. It started as just a joke and then I think he actually developed feelings for me and started asking me out. I was hesitant because I have dated guys at work before and it’s always gone sour. He told me “Life is what it is and things happen for a reason. You just haven’t met the right person.” Anyway, he kept pursuing me an I finally gave in and we went on out first date in March.
It was lots of fun and I never really felt I connected with someone like this before. I didn’t feel like I had to impress him, I was myself. We were seeing each other like that for about two months and then we slept together. I made the mistake of asking him if there was a future for us. I wasn’t asking for a relationship, I just wanted to know that there could be because I dated this other guy for two and half years and he never committed. Anyway, this new guy also asked me to do something in the bedroom and I said no.
After that he started to become distant and when I confronted him about it he said that I did two things that turned him off. The first was talking about having relationship too soon and the other was that ‘you never say no in the bedroom.’ I told him that I understand that he felt this way but I am not a mind reader, and you should tell me or tell the person you are with when you are turned off. He told me “it was a no brainer.”
Read on for the rest of this question and our guy’s response after the jump
Now at work he completely ignores me and says “whats up fool” when he sees me. That statement hurts me so much because that means I don’t mean anything to him anymore. I asked him to not call me that and he actually respected my wishes. It is still awkward at work and I hate it. It sucks because he was the one that pursued me and now I like him more than he likes me. On a side note he still sends me random forwards that say ” if I was your slave for one day what would you have me do?” In the beginning of our time together, that is how he opened the door to communication with eachother.
Another side note- he told me he hates ignoring people because it takes more effort to ignore than to just be normal with the person. So I don’t get it because he talks to everyone else at work but me…some days he seems like he misses me and some he seems pissed off at the world. Yesterday I came into work and I looked pretty, he saw me and was like ” wow look at you, do you have a date? And I said actually I do and laughed. He said very funny and then my last name, like I was one of his guy friends!
Anyway, I’m just really confused and would love to hear a guy’s take on the situation.
RESPONSE:
From what you described, it sounds to me like you guys started out well, but somewhere along the line something ended up hurting his pride/ego and he’s been acting from that place since then.
You mentioned that you had asked him if he thought there was a future for you guys, but you did not mention what his response was to that. My guess is that he was uncomfortable with the question and his reaction made you uneasy about being with him.
Women have asked me why guys “freak out” when a woman mentions a relationship. I think it comes down to how he interprets your question. I think the majority of guys hear it as, “Are you ready to settle down?” As in, is the guy willing to give up his freedom and everything he enjoys to be with you. I’m not saying that’s what you’re asking or that relationships are that, but when you ask a guy about a relationship or future, that’s how many guys interpret it.
Personally, I can say that there were times in my life where I wanted to be in a relationship with a woman and other times not. Sometimes it was because of where I was in my life, sometimes it was because I didn’t feel the woman and I were a good enough match for a long-term relationship. Regardless, whenever I felt that a relationship with that woman was a good idea, I always told her.
I think that once a guy wants a relationship with a woman, he will make it obvious. If it’s not obvious, then that is an answer… just might not be an answer you like.
In terms of you saying “no” to something he wanted to do in the bedroom, well, I could definitely see that as something that would bruise his ego/pride. You stayed true to yourself and had self-respect, which is admirable. Unfortunately, taking the path of self-respect and being true to yourself is not always easy.
Sometimes, in my life, people will want me to do or be something that I am not. It’s not that I don’t care about them and it’s not that I don’t want them to be happy – it’s just that it does not work for me.
The problem is, when I don’t do what the other person wants, they’re usually not happy. But the people who really do care about me and can put their own wishes on hold – these people are able to let it go.
When someone carries a grudge against you for not doing what they want it says a few things:
1) They’re more concerned with you doing what they want than you being happy.
2) They probably judge their own self-worth based on what you’re willing to do with or for them.
In regards to #2 – when you didn’t do what he wanted, the way it probably hit him is that he wasn’t “good enough” or “worthy enough” for you to do what he wanted. And so he took it as an insult from you (even though that is definitely not how you intended it). I’m basing this on the fact that he’s acting so hurt and snarky towards you.
Now here’s a thought – someone once said to me that the opposite of love is not hate… it is indifference. When someone hates you, you’re still the focal point of a lot of their thoughts… you still mean a lot to them, you’re opinion still matters tremendously to them and what you do affects them deeply. So hate really is the other side of the same coin as love. Indifference, on the other hand is the opposite of those to emotions – instead of having a passionate concern for what the other person thinks, they couldn’t care less.
I bring this up because if someone “hates” you (although I don’t think his emotion is anywhere near as strong as hate), it’s easier to change back to love. Love and hate are interpretations… they’re mental filters.
In other words, when someone loves you, everything you do is viewed through a filter of love. They love your good qualities as well as your less-than-graceful qualities. And when they hate you, they see everything you do through a lens of hate: everything, even the things they used to love.
The good news is that the root of love and hate is a deep interest and investment in you – if you can just find a way to get them to stop filtering everything they see you doing through a lens of hate, they will much more likely like you again… or at least treat you civilly with respect.
Considering all the focus he’s still giving you, I would bet that he still likes you beneath it all. He just can’t deal with whatever had upset him in the first place, and so this is his way of shielding himself from being hurt again.
So how can you get there? I would say do the following:
1) Understand his pain and frustration. Put simply, guys react very poorly if you say no to something and they interpret it as meaning something about them: as a man, as a lover, as a “worthy individual”. It’s not your responsibility to control how he interprets things (nor could it be), but it is something you need to understand and be aware of. If he takes your saying “no” as meaning something bad about him as a person, he will take your saying “no” as an insult to his very manhood. And he will respond as if you insulted him (like he is now). A good thing to watch for is if he has a tendency to take negative things personally. If he does, then that’s a definite red flag for this type of thing happening.
2) Respect yourself and the decision you made. This is not a situation where you deserve him acting like this. I have seen women in situations like this and the impression I always get is the woman blames herself or regrets making the decision she made. Maybe you do, maybe you don’t… I hope you don’t regret your decision – it was the best one to go with. But taking the high road isn’t always easy. You need to always keep focused on your own truth, not on how someone else is treating you because you stayed true to yourself. ‘Nuff said.
3) If he’s taking shots at you and it’s cutting you deeply, the first thing you should try to do is ask him to stop and try to civilly give him an understanding that what you do or do not do is not a measure of his manhood (I’m summarizing here – do not use those words, he’ll think you’re insulting him). But if civil diplomacy fails, I would say cut the sugar-coating and say it how it is – let him know that he needs to get a handle on his own insecurities, that the ways he’s acting is sad, it makes you feel bad for him and that it’s wrong for him to be treating you with malice when you never had any ill-feelings toward him. Again, always go for civil diplomacy first – working things out civilly is always a better way to go. But when someone just won’t let up and you’ve tried everything you can to settle things nicely, it’s time to try something new. When nice doesn’t work, you need to get tough.
Hope it helps.
– eric charles
Written by Eric Charles
