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Ask a Guy: How Do You Find Love?

by Eric Charles

… (Previous page – Ask a Guy: How Do You Find Love?) so hungry for love that she accidentally suffocates her partner’s love from forming because she never gives him any psychological space to experience a wanting for her.

It’s been said that we fall in love with our partner when they’re away.

Think about it: Have you ever had a time where you were with someone and you had a good time, and then later when you were by yourself you started thinking about them.  Maybe you started thinking about their name, the look on their face when they said something, the way you felt butterflies in your stomach when he was near you.  And the more you think about all of that, the more you start imagining what it would be like if the two of you were together in different ways.

That process of falling in love didn’t take place when you were with them – it took place when you were alone, privately reflecting on your own thoughts and experiencing the fun and fantasy of what love might be like with that other person.

This is part of the human process we all have for falling in love. With that in mind, you can see how important it is to let a man have the space to do this.

Just imagine what a disaster it would be if a man was starting to go through this process of falling in love, but because the woman was in a needy mind state she was constantly interrupting him with text messages and phone calls to receive reassurance that he’s into her.  Ironically, if she just gave him his space, he would have gone through the process and fallen in love, but her neediness suffocated it from being possible.

The next thing you need to understand is:  What Do Men Really Want?  [Click here to continue reading…]

Hope it helps,

eric charles

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Written by Eric Charles

I'm Eric Charles, the co-founder and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing articles to help people free themselves from suffering and have clarity in their love life. I have a degree in Psychology and I've dedicated the last 20 years of my life to learning everything I can about human psychology and sharing what gets people out of struggling with life and into having the life they really want. If you want to contact me, feel free to reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

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37 comments… add one

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Elizabeth Ellis

Thankyou so much Eric for your clear thorough & generous information. At last ! At 67 years I learning essentials to make a healthy difference to relations with the man I fancy. Feeling grateful

Reply June 9, 2021, 5:41 pm

Vanetta Leeth

This information is so amazing thanks!

Reply March 21, 2021, 11:12 pm

Gina

I’m about to turn 25 years old in 9 days and that special guy has not come along during my nine years of single life

Reply February 3, 2018, 7:41 am

Lolita

Download tinder

Reply June 17, 2019, 8:10 am

Sarah

Wow I really enjoy this article it was a great article!!

Reply March 21, 2016, 12:14 pm

SM

I can relate to all that is written here. My one confusion is – if one is in the true state of love (that is, in a giving state) but the other isn’t… and this lop sided equation remains for sometime, what happens? The one in the true state of love opts out of the relationship? So, does true state of love really remain in its truest form?

Reply February 9, 2016, 12:00 am

Danielle

Okay I need some serious advice!! I recently started talking to this guy about three months ago. Well a few weeks into it all found out he had an ex of 7 months and him and her just broke up a month before I started talking to him. I asked him hella times if he was ready to move forward and he said yes. So time passed and we continued talking and see each other often. From the beginning we said we both wanted to take it slow so we were trying to… Well after spending so much time together we didn’t realize how fast we fell for eachother.. So about a week ago he started being distant so I brought it up.. Then he began to tell me he didn’t realize how fast we were moving blah blah blah. That he does care about me and like me and everything but he just isn’t ready for a relationship. He said once he realized how much he cared he got scared. Pretty much he is scared to move forward because he doesn’t want to get hurt again. He’s still healing from their break up which is understandable but I don’t think it’s fair he pushes me away… He even said that I treat him so much better then she did and we weren’t even official yet. Long story short he said that he wasted 6 months putting his life on hold for a girl who didn’t care… That he feels like he needs to better his life and fully get over her before he can get into another relationship because that’s no fair to me because he wouldn’t be able to give me his all if he still thinks of her… I mean I can get more into details but right now idk what to do? It’s been about a week with no contect and at first I was showing I care but now I try not to at all and I know he watches my snapchats often to see what I’m doing and he sees my social networks… So what exactly am I suppose to do? Do you think not showing I care is making him think?

Reply November 13, 2015, 9:33 pm

Reggie

I’ve been seeing a guy who has said he’s just looking for someone to have a good time with but yet after he says all that he starts talking about us living together cause that’s his way of saying I love you..could he be looking for a real relationship and is just to scared to say anything..

Reply November 5, 2015, 9:03 am

Jane

Maybe he is saying what he thinks you want to hear, ina noncommital way, so he can keep having that good time.

Reply November 5, 2015, 9:14 pm

Jenn

This was such an insightful article on how differently women and men view relationships on a general level. It seems like women often look towards relationships to fill their life, while for men it seems that they don’t need the same type of validation from This was such an insightful article on how differently women and men view relationships on a general level. It seems like women often look towards relationships to fill their life, while for men it seems that they don’t need the same type of validation from their partner? I know this could get into a whole other topic, and I see the point in this article about needing to feel complete on your own first but if you feel complete on your own then why bother with the ups and downs of whether a guy gives you positive or negative feedback in a relationship? I mean I know how great it can be to receive love and affection from someone you like or are interested in, but to put this disclaimer that we as women need to feel complete first without needing a man just takes the burden off the men I feel. So it goes back to my initial thinking that men don’t need or view women in relationships the same way that women need or view men?

Reply April 13, 2015, 11:20 am

Luci

Eric – I was struck by your phrasing above about needing a man to talk to you a certain way. Reminds me of a situation I just exited. Because I “needed” a man I was chatting with on a dating site to treat me with respect. And he had been told it was important. So when he made a comment about my “bazookas” I felt disrespected, because I “needed” him to not make those sort of comments. So I did the old “When you say things like that I feel uncomfortable. So I would appreciate it if you would not make those types of remarks.” And he got angry, told me I had no sense of humor and that I was just too politically correct. And he vanished after writing me novels daily for 9 days. My point is, I think it is okay to “need” certain basic human rights. And the way it was put above, just reminded me of that. Needing to be treated with respect is okay. Some “needing” is okay.

Reply March 8, 2015, 1:21 pm

Sara

Thank you so much for this article. It made me realise a lot a things. I really have to start changing my mindset about life and what to expect from a relationship.
If not for you I don’t think I could have seen things this way. Thank you so much

Reply January 26, 2015, 1:45 am

Shannon

Great article!! I love it!! Merry Christmas All :)

Reply December 25, 2014, 2:09 pm

Cyntha

I appreciate your words and insight. I really liked how you helped me understand how important psychological space is in a relationship and how bad it is to be needy, but I felt confused because you said that in a needy mindset you fantasize all the time about you getting love and so you focus on fearing its loss but later you wrote, “Think about it: Have you ever had a time where you were with someone and you had a good time, and then later when you were by yourself you started thinking about them. Maybe you started thinking about their name, the look on their face when they said something, the way you felt butterflies in your stomach when he was near you. And the more you think about all of that, the more you start imagining what it would be like if the two of you were together in different ways.” I am confused, I feel like some contradiction… because I want to fantasize but I feel as though doing so will hurt me because I will become needy. I guess I should focus my mind on just being content and fulfilled and lovely freely as you suggested. Thank you.

Reply November 30, 2014, 10:23 pm

Adriana

I’m happy with that thank you.

Reply November 11, 2014, 6:32 pm

Adriana

Thank you.

Reply November 11, 2014, 6:30 pm

Charlie

Informative article but I find it confusing. You’re saying give love without expecting anything in return . Where do you draw the line between loving freely and letting another person take advantage of your love. I’ve loved freely without expecting the other person to act a certain way or say certain words. I didn’t need to see or hear his love in a certain way because I was feeling fulfilled with or without his love. But he took advantage of the situation and used me as an option instead. So how do you find balance between just feeling love and drawing boundaries and having expectations?

Reply November 7, 2014, 1:42 pm

Munchkins

I believe first and foremost you must love yourself, which means respecting yourself and not allowing anyone into your life who makes you feel less of yourself, unhappy or disrespected. So as much as your focus will be on giving and radiating love, if he just takes and drains from you emotionally then that’s when you cut ties. In other words someone who takes advantage of you brings a draining energy into your life, for example these can be friends who suck the life out of you by constantly complaining about their lives and expecting you to make them feel happier or whole. You can tell when someone is just taking from you and not also trying to fill you up with love and good energy. My simple test is “how do I feel when I’m around them?” and with this question you have to be honest in your answer (always be sure to keep the ego out of it, as ego can make you feel “fulfilled” by being needed or used by the other person, but the ego lies and it is selfish). So basically everything you do is based on your level of self-respect, once again very important to differentiate that from the ego.

Reply February 23, 2015, 1:21 pm

Dana

Thank you! ????

Reply October 31, 2014, 12:47 am

Ruth

Eric, Thank you so much for making everything so clear.

Reply April 2, 2013, 7:55 pm

A

Eric, not sure if you’re still checking this page but would love a guy’s opinion on this…

One of my new suitors seems really sweet – puts a lot of effort into dates, does a lot of research into restaurants that he thinks I’d like, books me in advance etc. We’ve only been on 3 dates so still very early days, but occasionally he would text me to tell me weird and bizarre things about his day etc.

The ONLY thing that bothers me about this guy is that he doesn’t always return texts when I reply – or sometimes does so say 9 hours later or even a day or two later.

Considering that this is the phase where he should be proving himself, should I say something/point it out? I’ve experimented by mirroring and doing the same to him myself, or even not replied to the odd text, but it doesn’t have a huge impact – still slow, although he is always very sweet and thoughtful when he replies. Either he just doesn’t check his phone very often or something.

What do you think?

-Alana

Reply March 25, 2013, 7:25 pm

Trying to better myself

This is definitely a website I would recommend to any woman that is looking to improve herself and her dating life. Whenever I feel needy in a relationship I see it as a sign from the universe that I need to focus on myself and redirect my energy elsewhere. It’s a good indicator that I’m investing too much in someone else instead of my life and what I need to be doing to feel happy inside. Sometimes if I can’t shake the feeling I find that taking a step back and putting some distance between myself and the other person really helps me to regain control. I also like cleaning my place, reading, watching a good movie, calling a friend or family member, giving myself a mani/pedi, making plans with friends and scheduling a fun activity help to keep me grounded and content in my life. I realize if you’re self-assured, confident and happy with who you are you won’t let anyone bring you down. People can sense that in others and it goes the same for men in a relationship. Plus, life is so stressful as it is we all want to surround ourselves with people that are fun and lift our spirits. When you think of it that way why would any man or woman want to get involved with someone that is constantly complaining about what they aren’t doing right.

Reply March 21, 2013, 12:20 am

Kendra

I really enjoyed this article. I’ve spent a lot of time focusing on me the last two years and now I’d like to share my life with someone. I live in an area where I don’t run into a lot of potential so I’ve recently tried online dating. I would love to get your feedback on men and online dating. Would you say most men are looking for something serious online? I keep meeting men that seem to looking for one thing.

Reply March 20, 2013, 8:40 pm

Eric Charles

Online dating is great in many ways, but as with regular dating, you need to do some sifting.

Online dating is great because you can meet men who are a great match for you who you never would have met otherwise. Plus, you can start your conversation in a way that normal social conventions wouldn’t allow – you and he can show your intellectual, creative and deeper sides immediately instead of the normal masks we need to wear in today’s society and culture.

I read 1 out of 5 marriages are from couples that met online – granted, check sources yourself, but if that’s an accurate stat, then those are great odds.

Reply March 20, 2013, 10:36 pm

Sarah

Eric, I love your articles – I love that they help us understand male psychology and build our own lives and confidence without necessarily playing games!

I’d also love your take on this. I have a couple of guys who I had previously gone on a date or two with before my ex, after which they may have done a slow fade or just stayed distant “friends” – eg a text every few months to stay in touch.

I recently became single again and these guys caught wind of that – and suggested meeting up. But considering the history and that I’m not convinced that they are really all that serious about pursuing, how should I deal with it?

Should I still meet up with them, be a bit unavailable to make them prove themselves, or just decline them altogether?

Reply March 20, 2013, 1:10 pm

Eric Charles

It’s really up to you and what you want.

If you can enjoy them exactly are they are and enjoy your time together exactly for what it is without any need for it to be something else, then go for it.

If you can’t, then don’t. The “big trap” is thinking a guy is way more interested than he is and relating to him at that level… the best strategy is to keep looking and assume you’re single until a man locks you down completely and unambiguously.

Reply March 20, 2013, 8:22 pm

Sarah

I see, thanks very much, Eric!

Reply March 21, 2013, 5:30 am

Shirley

Wow, that makes so much sense. I love what you said about neediness vs. fulfillment. I think the times that I have wanted a relationship the most have been the times in my life where I felt the most emotional emptiness, which I can clearly see is a recipe for disaster. Thanks Eric. :)

Reply March 20, 2013, 8:21 am

Eric Charles

You’re welcome. Thanks for the comment.

Reply March 20, 2013, 8:23 pm

Beth

Eric, thank you so much for this article. Spot on, as always.

Reply March 19, 2013, 7:57 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks!

Reply March 20, 2013, 8:23 pm

Darling

Such a great article. I think we often forget how necessary it is to own ourselves, our emotions and our happiness. Thanks!

Reply March 19, 2013, 4:00 pm

Eric Charles

You’re welcome. And thank you. :)

Reply March 19, 2013, 4:01 pm

Melissa

wow. WOW! You certainly hit the nail on the head with this one. I actually catch myself feeling needy at times…the good news is I can recognize it and stop myself from doing anything like text bombing or calling or whatever else. I just had to say that you were EXACTLY right once again!

Reply March 19, 2013, 3:34 pm

Eric Charles

I really appreciate that. Thanks.

Glad you liked the article.

Reply March 19, 2013, 4:02 pm

Denise

I love this article! Thanks so much!!

Reply March 19, 2013, 3:15 pm

Eric Charles

You’re welcome. :)

Reply March 19, 2013, 4:02 pm

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