How to Get Your Ex Back in 5 Steps Guaranteed (With Testimonials)

Believe it or not, getting your ex-boyfriend back isn’t that hard.

In fact, getting an ex to come back can actually be really easy with a couple tricks.

If you’re fresh off a breakup this might sound impossible, but it’s true.

I’ve seen it happen thousands of times – a woman follows these specific steps and her ex comes crawling back, sometimes literally begging to get back together.

It happens so predictably that I’m always amazed more women don’t know about this.

The tricky part isn’t getting him back – it’s keeping him once he’s back.

Most women who get back with their ex-boyfriends end up losing him again. I’ve seen this pattern play out over and over.

They’re thrilled when he comes back, but within a few months (sometimes even weeks), they’re dealing with another painful breakup.

Why does this happen?

Because the same problems that destroyed the relationship before are still there. Nothing’s changed.

If you want to get him back and keep him, you need a proven plan that works. And more than that, you need to know the mistakes you must avoid if you want him back.

This is why I’m not just going to show you how to get your ex back – I’m going to show you exactly how to get him back in a way that leads to a stronger, healthier relationship than you had before.

In this article, I’m going to give you a complete 5 step plan that covers everything.

Let’s get into the plan now.

And if you make one of these mistakes, it can completely destroy your chances of ever getting him back.

But when you know what to do and what to avoid, it really isn’t hard to get your ex boyfriend to want you back.

You can do this.

It might sound impossible or too good to be true right now, but I’ve seen this work time and time again over the 22 years I’ve been doing this work.

Your chances are better than you think, but you need a plan.

This article covers everything from what to do immediately after a breakup all the way through to getting back together with your ex.

I tell you exactly what to do (and not do) at every step, I answer every question and I explain why it works so you understand the whole process (and not just trusting me on blind faith).

I want you to understand how all this works because when it comes time to take action, your actions are yours and yours alone… For something this important, you want to act with confidence.

If you have any questions you can ask in the comments. And there are plenty of others who were in your exact situation too who’ve succeeded – you can read their testimonials in the comments as well.

You’re not alone.

There are countless women who have been where you are right now who got their guy to come back using this exact method. Even in cases that seemed impossible or hopeless at first.

You can do this.

Let’s get started…

Step 1: The 30 Day No Contact Rule

The first step to getting your ex back is simple but absolutely required: He needs to miss you.

And in order to miss you, you must be missing from his life. Fully.

To have that, you need to cut off contact for at least 4 weeks. This is the 30 day no contact rule.

This means:

• No calling him
• No texting him
• No contacting him online
• No “liking” his social media posts or stories
• No spending time with friends in common hoping to run into him
• No hanging out in places where he might be

This might seem extreme at first glance. It might even feel impossible right now, especially if you’re still raw from the breakup.

Your heart might be aching to reach out to him.

You might be worried he’ll forget about you or meet someone new or that you’ll miss your window of opportunity.

I get it. I’ve worked with thousands of women in exactly your position. But trust me when I say this step is required.

Why Does No Contact Work?

He Won’t Notice The Hole You Left Unless You Let Him

When you’re constantly in contact with your ex, he never gets the chance to feel your absence.

He still gets the benefit of your attention, your care, your texts, your likes on social media – he still has access to your emotional energy.

Why would he miss you if you’re still essentially there?

Think of it like this: if you keep showing up, he doesn’t get to experience what life is actually like without you.

But when you completely disappear from his life, he starts to notice all the ways you made his life better.

Maybe you were the one who always made him laugh when he had a bad day.

Maybe you were the one who remembered important details about his life and asked about them.

Maybe you were the one who made sure he ate something besides takeout five nights a week.

Whatever role you played in his life, he won’t feel the absence of that role unless you’re actually absent.

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

It’s not just a saying – the research backs this up.

For instance, a 2016 study from Aalto University analyzed millions of phone calls and found that people spend 23% longer reconnecting after periods of no contact.

The longer the gap between communication, the harder humans work to “shore up” relationships at risk of weakening.

In other words, disappearing makes him subconsciously fight to keep your bond alive—even if he doesn’t realize it yet.

When you’re not around, something interesting happens in his mind.

He starts to remember the good times you shared together (a psychological phenomenon known as “nostalgia”) and the memories of arguments and bad times begin to fade.

This is called idealizing and it works in your favor during no contact.

Relationship nostalgia research shows that reminiscing about early “good times” activates the brain’s reward centers, creating a rose-colored filter for past connections.

However, this idealization only happens when there’s actual distance—constant contact keeps his brain stuck in present-day frustrations rather than longing for what’s missing.

When there’s distance, our minds naturally tend to focus on the positive memories of a person or relationship.

It’s a psychological phenomenon that happens without any effort on your part – you just need to give it space to happen.

The 3-Week Peak: Understanding His Psychology

Men go through a predictable pattern after a breakup. I’ve seen it countless times and it follows a surprisingly consistent timeline.

In the beginning, they actively want to be broken up.

They might feel relief, freedom or even a sense of excitement about being single again.

This is normal and doesn’t mean he never cared about you – it’s just the initial psychological response to having constraints removed.

But here’s where it gets interesting: after about 3 weeks, their loneliness and feelings of missing you start to peak.

This is what I call the “3-week peak,” and it’s a critical turning point.

Around this time, he’s had enough space to process the initial breakup emotions, but he’s also had enough time to start feeling your absence.

The novelty of being single has worn off and now he’s left with the reality of not having you in his life.

At this point, his psychology is no longer working against you (pushing the relationship away) – it’s working in your favor (craving to have you back).

It’s like a switch flips in his mind. Instead of thinking, “I’m glad we broke up,” he starts thinking, “Did I make a mistake?”

He begins to doubt his decision. He starts reminiscing about the good times. He wonders what you’re doing and who you’re with.

And most importantly, he starts to fear that he might have lost you for good.

This can only happen if you’re totally absent from his life. He can’t miss you unless you’re truly missing.

If you’re still texting him, liking his social media posts or finding ways to bump into him, you’re interfering with this natural psychological process.

MORE: Hidden Signs Your Ex Still Loves You (Even if He Says He Doesn’t)

Getting Control of Yourself and Perspective on the Relationship

Cutting off contact isn’t just about affecting his psychology – it’s about yours too.

Heartbreak can turn your whole world upside-down emotionally.

The pain, the confusion, the desperate longing for the person who was so central to your life – these feelings can be overwhelming.

You need time to calm down, put the pieces back together and get past that initial unbearable phase of missing him.

A study published in Social Science & Medicine found that breakups trigger a prolonged release of cortisol, leading to chronic stress, fatigue and emotional instability.

However, creating distance and avoiding contact allows your body to gradually stabilize cortisol levels over time.

To say it simply: The no contact period gives you the space to regain your emotional balance.

It allows you to step back and gain perspective on the relationship – what worked, what didn’t, what you might want to change if you get back together.

Without this space, you’re likely to act from a place of pain and desperation, which never leads to good results.

The No Contact Rule Isn’t Just Waiting Around

The no contact period isn’t just about him missing you – it’s for YOU too.

You’re not spending this time passively waiting. This is ACTIVE time.

During this time, you need to detox yourself from everything inside that would cause problems if you got back together.

You need to detox from obsessive thinking about him, missing him and all the negativity surrounding the breakup.

I want to make this very clear: If you’re not actively working on yourself during the no contact period, you’re not doing the no contact rule.

Stop Feeding The Heartbreak

This means avoiding anything that keeps you stuck in an unhealthy emotional loop:

• No stalking his social media profiles
• No posting “bait” on your socials to see if he notices
• No analyzing the breakup over and over
• No sulking or ruminating on your sadness
• No playing sad songs on repeat

When you’re fresh off the breakup, it’s completely understandable that you’ll be thinking about it and feeling upset.

I’m not saying you need to pretend you’re fine when you’re not. It’s fine to allow yourself a day or two to feel all those raw emotions.

My point is that you intentionally set an end for this sink into sadness, otherwise it can drag on for days, weeks, months or even years – and it does nothing to help you (and definitely doesn’t help you bring your ex back).

But if you want to get your ex back, you must detox from all these negative thoughts and emotions so you can get back to a place of peace and clarity.

The research backs this up.

A study published in the Journal of Namibian Studies found that higher levels of post-breakup rumination were linked to more severe sleep issues and overall emotional distress.

In other words, constantly replaying the breakup in your mind isn’t just unpleasant – it’s actively interfering with your ability to heal and move forward.

The study found that participants who spent more time reflecting on their breakup showed poorer adjustment.

This means that constantly replaying the breakup in your mind isn’t helping you heal – it’s keeping you stuck in the past.

You Must Be Clear Inside to Influence Him

Here’s a truth that many women miss: In order to have any power to influence your ex to come back, you can’t be drowning in negativity and heartbreak.

When you’re consumed by pain and desperation, it shows.

It comes through in your tone of voice, in your choice of words, in your body language.

And it’s not attractive. In fact, it can make him feel trapped, guilty or burdened – none of which will make him want to come back to you.

That’s why this first step of No Contact is so important to get right.

It’s only from that place of inner peace and clarity that you can have power to influence your ex and make him want to come back.

Don’t Feed the Thoughts

As soon as you’re able to, you need to firmly decide you won’t feed the negativity anymore.

I’m not saying the thoughts will immediately stop – they won’t.

Thoughts about him will come up – less so as time goes on, but it will happen.

The key is not to FEED INTO the thoughts.

When a thought about him pops into your mind, don’t grab onto it and expand it into a whole mental movie.

Don’t start analyzing it or wondering what he’s doing right now or replaying your last conversation.

Instead:

• Let the thoughts pass like meaningless clouds floating in the sky. They appear, they drift along and they disappear.
• Don’t feed into those thoughts by engaging with them emotionally or intellectually.
• Don’t analyze, reflect, show regret or wonder “what if…”

This takes practice, but it gets easier over time.

The more you let thoughts pass without engaging with them, the less power they have over you.

Fill Your Life With Things You Love

Instead of focusing on the absence of your ex, fill your life with things you love doing.

This serves multiple purposes:

• It gives you less time to dwell on the breakup
• It helps you rediscover parts of yourself you might have neglected during the relationship
• It puts you in a better mood, which makes the no contact period easier
• It makes you more attractive when you do eventually reconnect

Do things that make you happy and feel good.

Take that dance class you’ve been curious about. Call up old friends you haven’t seen in a while. Start that book you’ve been meaning to read. Try a new restaurant. Go hiking somewhere beautiful.

The point is to live a happy, fulfilling life while giving him space to miss you.

This isn’t just about killing time until you can contact him again – it’s about creating a life you love, with or without him.

This mindset is incredibly powerful and attractive.

But not only that, the research shows how much this helps your chances.

Research in Frontiers in Psychiatry demonstrated that participants who engaged in adaptive coping strategies (e.g., pursuing hobbies, problem-solving) after a breakup reported better academic performance, healthier relationships and improved emotional well-being.

The study emphasized that focusing on self-improvement and new experiences actively rewires the brain to move forward. In other words, doing things you love isn’t just a distraction—it rebuilds your identity and confidence.

MORE: Ask a Guy- How Can I Get My Ex Back?

No Contact FAQ

Let me address some common questions that come up about the no contact rule:

What if he contacts me?

Him contacting you isn’t breaking no contact, but you responding is. I know it can be tempting to respond when you see his name pop up on your phone, but stick to the plan.

The only exception is for true emergencies.

If there’s a genuine crisis that requires your response, then yes, you can reply. But even then, keep it strictly to the emergency itself.

Don’t use it as an opportunity to ask how he’s doing or mention the relationship.

In Step 4 I talk about exactly what to do when he contacts you, so make sure you read everything through to that section, so you understand the full plan.

What if I broke no contact already?

Don’t beat yourself up – it happens. But you do need to start the no contact period over again.

The clock resets.

If you’ve been in touch with him for two weeks and then start no contact, you need a full 4 weeks from that point. Not 2 weeks because “you already did 2 weeks earlier.”

It doesn’t work that way. The psychological process we’re trying to create needs a continuous period of no contact.

What if I run into him somewhere?

First of all, don’t bump into him “by accident.”

Don’t hang out at his favorite coffee shop or suddenly decide to go to the gym at the exact time you know he’ll be there.

He’ll see through this and it undermines the whole process.

But if a genuine chance encounter happens:

• Be upbeat, positive and in a good mood. This is crucial. You want him to see that you’re doing well, not that you’re falling apart without him.
• Let him lead the conversation. Don’t bombard him with questions or try to force a deep interaction.
• Keep it to about 10 minutes, then politely end it. “It was great seeing you, but I’ve got to run!”
• Don’t talk about the relationship, the breakup or anything negative. Keep it light and pleasant.
• Don’t act cold, bitter or nasty. This just shows you’re hurt and reinforces the breakup.

Your goal is to give him a brief, positive impression that leaves him wanting more – not a drawn-out, emotional encounter.

What if I dumped him?

If you’re the one that dumped him then that usually makes things much easier. If you dumped him, you don’t have to do the 30 days of no contact.

Just reach out to him and directly let him know you want to get back together. Tell him you made a mistake, what you realized and sincerely apologize.

Give him space to share his thoughts and feelings.

Make sure to really listen and give him space to say everything he wants to say so he gets it out of his system.

Usually that’s enough.

Just make sure you’re doing it because you genuinely believe you’re a great couple and not just because you’re feeling lonely right now.

What if he finds someone new during no contact?

This is a common fear, but here’s the reality: he’s not going to find someone new for real during this time.

If he does start dating someone right after your breakup, it’s almost certainly a rebound relationship.

Rebound relationships are ineffective ways of moving on.

They’re usually shallow connections formed too quickly to be genuine.

They rarely last because they’re built on the wrong foundation – they’re usually just an attempt to distract from the pain of the breakup or to prove that they’re still desirable.

There’s research that backs this up, too.

A study from Indiana State University by researcher Sarah Pierce showed that rebound relationships represent a unique pattern of partnering that’s intentionally short-term.

In other words, science confirms what many of us suspect – rebounds are typically quick fixes rather than sustainable relationships, with people choosing partners based on completely different criteria than they would for a serious relationship.

So if you find out he’s seeing someone new, try not to panic. It’s likely temporary and doesn’t threaten your chances of getting him back in the long run.

Does it really have to be 4 weeks?

Yes, shorter isn’t going to cut it. Remember that 3-week peak I mentioned?

That’s when his feelings of missing you and doubting the breakup really kick in.

If you break no contact before that point, you’re short-circuiting one of the most powerful processes to bring him back to you.

Four weeks gives that process time to fully unfold and gives you enough time to get clear and centered. Trust me, it’s worth the wait.

Isn’t this rude or cruel to him?

No, this isn’t about “punishing” him or playing games.

The no contact period is about giving both of you the needed space for perspective.

Breakups are jarring transitions and both people need time to process what happened and what they truly want.

This space allows for that essential emotional processing to happen naturally.

Think of it as respecting the breakup.

He wanted to end the relationship and you’re honoring that decision by not forcing continued contact.

There’s nothing rude about that.

What if I have to see him regularly? (We work together, have a kid together, etc.)

This situation isn’t ideal for the no contact rule, but it actually has one advantage: He will see you but you’ll be out of reach.

You’re still in his sight but feel unavailable, which can create that contrast between having you in his life and not having you.

In the areas where you must talk to him, be civil and polite.

Don’t be cold, nasty or overly rigid. Keep the conversation strictly to the subjects that must be discussed (work issues, childcare arrangements, etc.).

If he tries to bring the discussion into talking about the relationship, just listen.

Don’t engage deeply or try to have that conversation yet.

If it’s been less than 3 weeks since the breakup, it’s best to say you can’t talk about it right now because you’re still processing everything.

The basic rule in these situations is to keep your interactions to the absolute minimum required. Be simple, light and civil – not cold, sad or rude. Make sure all your interactions are focused and business-like.

We’ll get more into this later in the section about getting back into contact with your ex, but for now, understand that even in these complicated situations, you can still create the psychological space needed for the no contact rule to work.

Let’s move on to Step 2…

Step 2: The 10 Relationship-Killing Mistakes You Must Avoid (If You Want Your Ex To Come Back)

Now that you understand the importance of the no contact rule, let’s talk about the critical mistakes you need to avoid if you want your ex to come back to you.

These mistakes happen when you follow your immediate impulses after a breakup instead of having a plan.

When you’re hurting and missing someone, your emotions will push you to do things that feel right in the moment but actually ruin your chances of getting your ex boyfriend to want you back.

Your heart will urge you to reach out, to explain your feelings, to try to fix things immediately – but these impulses often lead to disaster.

The good news is that the no contact rule prevents most of these mistakes. Having a proven plan prevents the rest – and that’s exactly what I’m giving you here.

MORE: 12 Signs You Can Get Your Ex Back

Mistake #1: Taking Anything He Offers

If there’s any glimmer of hope after a breakup, it can be tempting to take anything your ex offers. Even if it’s not what you actually want.

Like I said in the beginning: Getting your ex back can be easy, but doing it in a way that lasts is the tricky part.

That means you must be selective and strategic about how you deal with your ex. You can’t just jump at the first opportunity for connection – you need to make sure it’s the right kind of connection.

Here’s a scenario I see all the time: After a breakup, the ex reappears after a few weeks. He calls her, she desperately misses him, invites him over, they sleep together… and now they’re in a “situationship”.

They’re sleeping together regularly, but there’s no relationship status.

Officially speaking, he’s single and free to do whatever (or whoever) he wants.

But on her side, she’s more confused and hung up on him than ever.

It sets her up in a terrible position, where she’s chasing him, he feels no motivation to commit and the dynamic is likely to fizzle out painfully.

This happens when you don’t work on yourself during the no contact period.

It’s crucial to get yourself to a place where you are happy and whole as a single woman again.

Not only will you feel better, but you’ll maximize your ability to attract your ex back.

It also happens when you’re so fixated on the idea of getting him back that you’ll accept anything – even if it’s not what you want.

In negotiations they say you must be able to walk away from a bad deal, otherwise you have no power to negotiate.

Getting your ex-boyfriend back isn’t a negotiation, but that rule still holds up.

If you can’t say no to a dynamic that doesn’t work for you, you’ll end up stuck in one.

You need to be able to entertain the possibility it can’t work out.

I’m not saying you want that.

I’m not saying that’s what you expect to happen.

I’m saying you need to be willing to accept that it might not happen.

This way, you set yourself up for a win-win: Either you get him back in a way that works for both of you or you prove that it’s not possible and can move on knowing you did everything you could.

Mistake #2: Pouring Your Broken Heart Out

I know you’re in pain, especially when the breakup is fresh.

Your heart feels like it’s literally breaking inside your chest. You can’t eat, you can’t sleep and all you can think about is getting him back.

That’s exactly why you shouldn’t talk to him right now.

When someone’s in pain, all they want is for that pain to go away.

Your wish is that you’ll call your ex, tell him how devastated you are and he’ll confess he’s heartbroken too and say let’s get back together.

Or something like that.

But that’s not what happens in reality.

What usually happens is you might get pity, but pity won’t do anything to attract him back.

You might make him feel guilty, but guilt doesn’t create attraction either – it creates obligation, which leads to resentment.

And if he feels you want to get back together, he’s going to resist it, especially if the breakup is fresh.

It will only put him on the defensive, justifying why he ended things in the first place.

I understand how hard this can be. Just a short time ago, this was someone you could go to for support and connection.

When you’re hurting, it’s natural to want to reach out to the person who used to comfort you. But that can’t happen now… especially when you’re upset about the breakup itself.

To get him back, you need to attract him back.

And pouring your broken heart out does the opposite of that.

It makes you seem emotionally unstable and desperate – neither of which is attractive.

Mistake #3: Trying to “Love Him Harder” to Make Him Take You Back

Sometimes it can feel like if you just show him more affection or do more things for him, he’ll want you back.

Maybe if you cook his favorite meal or write him a heartfelt letter or offer to do that thing he always wanted you to do… then he’ll see how much you love him and change his mind.

The reality is that this is just another form of begging for the relationship back and begging never works.

It might seem like you’re just showing love, but what you’re communicating is desperation.

This approach sets you up for rejection that’s even worse than the breakup itself.

You’re putting yourself out there completely, offering everything you can give and if he still says no, it’s crushing.

Plus, it denies him an important factor in getting back together: He has to actively choose to get back together with you.

He has to come to that conclusion himself, decide he wants you back and take action to make it happen.

If you throw yourself in his lap, he doesn’t have to make that choice.

He doesn’t have to invest any effort or emotional energy.

And when people don’t have to work for something, they don’t value it.

MORE: 15 Undeniable Signs You Aren’t Over Your Ex

Mistake #4: Telling Him He “Has” You While You’re Still Broken Up

We’ll touch on this idea more later on, but when it comes to getting him back, it can be tempting to gush about how much you miss him, how much it hurts and how much you want him back.

It’s completely understandable, but this can be a huge mistake.

Why? Because you are telling him that you’re not going anywhere.

He “has” you, even though you’re broken up.

You’re saying that even though you guys are no longer together, there’s no chance of him losing you to another man or losing your love.

He can take all the time in the world, do whatever he wants and you’ll still be there waiting.

This means he can play the field, take his time and, if he can’t find anything better, come back to you then.

You’ve become his safety net, his backup plan, his “placeholder girl” while he dates around.

You don’t want to be his last resort. You want to be his first choice, his priority, the woman he’s afraid of losing to someone else.

When you tell him he “has” you while you’re broken up, you remove all motivation for him to actually commit to you again.

Why would he rush back into a defined relationship when he knows you’ll be there no matter what?

Mistake #5: Falling Into a Situationship

When you’re back in contact with your ex, it can be tempting to take any scraps of hope he offers.

A late-night text.

A casual invite to hang out.

A “let’s see where things go” conversation.

But it’s a mistake to get into a situation-ship with your ex – namely, sleeping together but not being in a defined relationship.

This can set you up for getting strung along, where he’s single and free to date other women while you’re hung up on him, desperately chasing a relationship status.

You’re giving him all the benefits of having you in his life without any of the commitment or responsibility.

I see this happen all the time.

She thinks if she goes along with this arrangement, eventually he’ll realize how great they are together and want to make it official again.

But that rarely happens.

And the research shows it too (like this study in the Journal of Sex Research demonstrates) – these kinds of arrangements don’t turn out well.

Instead, he gets comfortable with this no-strings-attached setup and she finds herself stuck in limbo, growing more attached and more hurt as time goes on.

Remember, he has to choose to be in a relationship with you.

It’s a mistake to try to shortcut past that by accepting a half-measure.

If it’s left undefined, the dynamic runs a very high risk of becoming a sad, ongoing hookup until it eventually fizzles out.

Mistake #6: Getting Jealous If He Starts Dating Someone New

Finding out your ex is seeing someone new can feel like getting punched in the stomach. But reacting with jealousy is one of the worst things you can do if you want him back.

First of all, when guys start dating after a serious relationship, it’s almost always a rebound.

Rebound relationships are ineffective ways of moving on – they’re usually shallow connections formed too quickly to mask the pain of the breakup.

Acting jealous won’t make him want to come back. In fact, it does the opposite.

It pushes him toward the other girl by:

1. Making him defensive about his choice to date her
2. Creating drama that makes his new relationship seem peaceful by comparison
3. Confirming for him that breaking up was the right decision

Plus, jealousy makes you come off as needy and desperate.

It tells him that you’re still emotionally dependent on him, which isn’t attractive.

The best response if you find out he’s dating someone new is no response at all.

Continue your no contact, focus on yourself and let the rebound relationship run its natural course – which usually ends within some number of weeks.

MORE: Undeniable Signs Your Ex Moved on and It’s Really Over

Mistake #7: Trying to Make Him Jealous by Talking About Other Guys

On the flip side, deliberately trying to make your ex jealous by talking about other men you’re seeing is also a bad idea.

You might think that making him jealous will make him realize what he’s missing and come running back. But in reality, it makes you look desperate.

He’ll see through your attempt to manipulate his feelings and it will turn him off completely.

When you casually mention that “Oh, I went on a date with this guy from work last night,” he doesn’t think, “Oh no, I’m losing her, I better get her back!”

He thinks, “She’s trying to make me jealous. She must still be hung up on me.”

It feels like you’re trying to manipulate him, which creates resentment and distrust – not exactly the foundation for a renewed relationship.

If you want to make him wonder if you’re seeing other people, the best approach is to simply focus on having a great life.

Post pictures of you genuinely enjoying yourself (not staged “look how much fun I’m having without you” photos).

Let him come to his own conclusions about whether you might be dating again.

The mystery and uncertainty are far more powerful than explicitly telling him about other men.

Mistake #8: Too Much Calling and Texting

When you’re in contact with your ex again, your impulses will be craving to gush and over-contact him, but this is a mistake.

Doing “no contact” will take care of this in the beginning, but once it’s time for contact, you need to be intentional with the messages you send.

I’m not saying you need to be agenda-driven or calculating. I’m saying don’t be sloppy or leaky with your emotions.

You need to understand the psychology at play and stick to that plan.

If you don’t have a plan and you’re just winging it, chances are you’ll say something that will ruin your chances to get him back.

And the more you say, the more you risk making a mistake.

Think of it like this: Every unnecessary text or call is another opportunity to say something that pushes him away rather than pulls him closer.

You might bring up a sensitive topic, ask a question that puts him on the defensive or simply come across as needy because of how frequently you’re reaching out.

Plus, science shows it’s a bad idea.

Research published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships reveals that people who maintain frequent contact with their ex-partners after a breakup tend to experience prolonged emotional attachment and sadness.

In other words, constantly texting or calling your ex isn’t just desperate behavior – science shows it actually makes it harder for both of you to process the breakup and potentially reconsider the relationship with a clear head.

It’s much better to keep contact high-quality and intentional while you’re in the process of getting your ex back.

We’ll talk about exactly how to do that later on.

For now, remember that less is more when it comes to communication.

Mistake #9: Acting Nasty, Cold or Hurt Towards Him

After all the hurt of the breakup, you may want to act cold, nasty or hurt towards him when you do finally interact.

You might think he deserves it or you might want him to see how much pain he caused you.

But if you want to get your ex back, this is a huge mistake.

I understand how much a breakup hurts. The pain, the rejection, the feeling that you weren’t enough – it can be overwhelming.

But if you want to get your ex back, you need to do what works, not what feels good in the moment.

You need to attract him back and negativity will push him away… fast.

In fact, a study examining breakup tactics found that effective reconciliation was associated with positive communication strategies, while negative or hostile interactions significantly reduced the chances of getting back together.

If you’re cold, bitter or nasty when you interact with him, he’ll immediately remember all the reasons he didn’t want to be in the relationship and it will ruin any chance of getting back together.

Causing him pain won’t make him want to get back together.

It might make you feel better momentarily, but it does nothing to help you win your ex back so he stays.

Before you get back into contact with him, you need to clear any negativity you have.

We’ll talk about how to do that in a moment, but for now, commit to approaching interactions with your ex from a place of positivity and peace, not resentment and pain.

Mistake #10: Talking to Him About the Relationship

Sooner or later, you’ll be in contact with him again. And when that happens, it can be tempting to talk to him about the relationship, the breakup or what he wants for his love life.

“Have you thought about us at all?”

“Are you seeing anyone?”

“Do you think we made a mistake breaking up?”

These questions feel natural to ask. After all, you want to know where his head is at. But they’re a mistake.

There’s a time to figure out how to prevent problems so the relationship works out, but that’s not when you’re in the process of getting him back.

Those conversations come later, after you’ve rebuilt attraction and connection.

Again, the goal here is that you attract him back so he actively chooses to be with you again.

This is an emotional process, not a logical one.

You won’t get there by discussing your relationship problems or probing his love life.

You need him to feel he wants to be with you again, so he convinces himself why it makes sense to get back together with you.

That works much better than trying to convince him with conversations.

Don’t ask how his love life is going. Let him realize it’s not as good as when you were dating. Let him come to that conclusion on his own.

When you do get back in touch with him, keep the conversation light, positive and focused on the present moment – not on rehashing the past or planning the future.

We’ll talk more about exactly what to say when that time comes.

MORE: Ask a Guy- Is Getting Back Together With an Ex Ever a Good Idea?

The Power of Avoiding These Mistakes

Now you understand the ten critical mistakes that can ruin your chances of getting your ex back. By avoiding these pitfalls, you’re already way ahead of most women in your situation.

These aren’t just random tips – they’re based on decades of experience helping thousands of women successfully get their ex back.

I’ve seen these mistakes ruin relationships that could have been saved and I’ve seen women transform their love lives by doing the opposite.

The no contact rule will help you avoid most of these mistakes in the beginning. Having a clear plan for when you do resume contact will help you avoid the rest.

Remember, getting your ex back isn’t about tricks or manipulation.

It’s about creating the conditions for him to realize what he’s lost and choose – on his own – to try again with you.

By avoiding these mistakes, you create the space for that realization to happen naturally.

In the next section, we’ll talk about how to get stronger while he gets weaker – the psychological shift that makes him desperate to have you back in his life.

Step 3: You Rise Up, He Sinks Down

While he’s noticing your absence and feeling that growing hole in his life, you’re improving yourself.

You’re getting “stronger” while he’s getting “weaker”.

You’re growing as a person, becoming more comfortable in your own skin, more confident and genuinely happier.

You’re gaining valuable perspective on the relationship – seeing clearly what worked, what didn’t and what you truly want moving forward.

Meanwhile, he’s sliding backwards.

Without you in his life, he starts thinking about you, missing you and eventually wanting you back.

The longer you stay away, the stronger this effect becomes.

A 2024 psychological analysis published in Forbes examined the effectiveness of the post-breakup “no-contact rule” and found it serves as a critical healing tool, allowing people to process their emotions without interference.

In other words, that four-week detox period isn’t some arbitrary suggestion on my part – it’s scientifically proven to help you clear out negative emotions and develop the emotional stability you’ll need to get your ex to come back successfully.

Remember, this is active time, where you’ll be stacking every advantage in your favor so you maximize your chances of getting him back.

MORE: How Guys Deal With Breakups

These 4 Weeks of No Contact Are Your Detox Time

Think of these four weeks as your emotional detox period.

Just like you might do a cleanse to get rid of toxins in your body, this is your chance to clear out all the negative thoughts and feelings that have been weighing you down since the breakup.

You’re getting past the pain and heartbreak, washing away the anger, confusion and that desperate longing that’s been clouding your judgment and making you feel terrible.

If you never properly detox, that negativity and desperation will prevent you from getting him back.

Those emotions will leak into every interaction with him, making you come across as needy, bitter or unstable – none of which are going to make him want you back.

The Inner Game vs. The Outer Game

There’s an inner game and an outer game to getting your ex back.

The inner game is what you do inside your own mind and heart.

The outer game is what you do when you’re actually interacting with your ex.

Most women focus entirely on the outer game – obsessing over what to say, when to call, how to act when they see their ex.

But here’s the thing: if your inner game isn’t strong, the outer game won’t matter. You’ll sabotage yourself every time.

For your inner game, the big secret comes down to this:

You need to emotionally “move on” from the relationship BEFORE doing anything to get your ex back.

That’s so important to understand, so take a moment to really process what I’m saying here.

You need to emotionally move on first before you do anything to reconnect with your ex.

That is, you need to get to a place emotionally where you want him back, but don’t NEED him back.

Getting back with him is an option for you, but if it doesn’t happen, you’ll take another path and you’ll be happy with that instead.

A study from researchers at the University of Arizona published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships showed that breakups can actually trigger meaningful personal growth and positive life changes.

In other words, emotionally “moving on” from your relationship unlocks real power – science confirms it’s an opportunity to become more confident, independent and emotionally stronger, making you more attractive not just to your ex but to everyone around you.

That “want him but don’t need him” mindset is the best place to be mentally if you want to win your ex back.

A fascinating study published in PubMed revealed what psychologists call “the dependency paradox” – people who maintain healthy independence within relationships actually experience “more autonomous functioning and more self-sufficiency.”

In other words, when you reach that sweet spot where you want your ex back but don’t desperately need him back, you’re not just playing mind games – you’re creating the psychological foundation for a healthier relationship dynamic that’s scientifically proven to be more attractive and sustainable.

If you want to attract him back, you need to operate from a light, carefree, happy place.

That’s the foundation of your attractiveness, which we want to maximize.

Female Happiness is an Aphrodiasiac for Men.

Research published in the National Library of Medicine demonstrated that displays of happiness significantly increase perceived attractiveness, especially for women.

That is, when you’re genuinely, truly happy, it’s magnetic to men – making you more appealing at both conscious and unconscious levels.

But if you’re unhappy, your energy won’t attract him.

It’s like trying to use a dead battery to jumpstart a car – there’s just nothing there to draw him in.

And if you haven’t made peace with the breakup and accepted the idea of it not working out, you’ll fall apart at the first sign of trouble.

You’ll be too restless, too anxious and too impatient to do what will truly attract him back.

Think about it: If you’re still emotionally raw, how will you react if he takes a day to respond to your text? Or if he mentions hanging out with friends instead of seeing you?

Any of these normal situations could trigger a flood of insecurity if you haven’t healed.

Attracting him back requires you to be at peace and OK within yourself.

That way, you can plant the seeds that will make him want you back and have the patience to give them space and let them grow.

If you haven’t moved on emotionally from the breakup, there’s just no way you’ll be able to do that effectively.

The Emotional Foundation You Need

Negative emotions control your mind.

When you’re stuck in anger, sadness or desperation, those feelings color everything you see and do.

They’re like a dark filter that distorts your perception and hijacks your behavior.

These negative emotions work against you when you’re trying to get your ex back.

They push him away by making you come across as bitter, needy or unstable.

They make you do and say things that undermine your attractiveness and reinforce his decision to break up.

Research from Dr. John Gottman at The Gottman Institute showed that negative emotions literally hijack your brain, causing “a decrease of activity in your pre-frontal cortex, the center of higher cognition.”

That is, when you’re overwhelmed with anger or hurt about your breakup, your thinking brain actually shuts down – it’s not just an expression, it’s a biological reality.

This explains why people who act from emotional pain after a breakup end up saying and doing things that sabotage their chances of getting their ex back without even realizing it.

On the other hand, positive emotions work for you by magnetically drawing him back.

When you’re genuinely happy, confident and at peace, that energy is incredibly attractive.

It attracts him, makes him wonder what he’s missing out on and reconsider his decision to let you go.

You need this foundation of positive emotions to get him back.

It’s not about faking happiness – it’s about doing the inner work to genuinely reach a place of peace and contentment.

Let Go of Negative Emotions

The first step in building this positive emotional foundation is letting go of the negative emotions that have been weighing you down.

Start by accepting that the relationship is over.

This doesn’t mean you’re giving up on getting him back.

It means you’re accepting the current reality so you can move forward from a place of strength, not denial.

Accepting the breakup gets rid of the root of any insecurity.

When you’re stuck in denial, you’re constantly fighting reality, which creates a sense of desperation and instability.

Acceptance brings peace and clarity, even if it’s a bittersweet peace at first.

A study published in PubMed tested different strategies for recovering from breakups and found that reappraisal – the process of consciously accepting and reframing the relationship – effectively reduced lingering feelings and decreased obsessive attention toward ex-partners.

In other words, accepting that the relationship is over isn’t giving up – it’s actually the critical first step that frees your mind from insecurity and emotional chaos.

Science shows that this acceptance creates the mental space you need to get your ex back effectively.

How to Emotionally Detox From The Breakup

Let’s talk about exactly how to get over your breakup so you heal your heartbreak as effectively as possible.

Get Rid of All Reminders of Your Relationship and Ex-Boyfriend

The idea here is “out of sight, out of mind.” You can’t stop thinking about him if you’re constantly surrounded by things that remind you of him.

I’m not saying throw away everything he ever gave you or every photo you ever took together.

Just put these things away where they’re not easily accessible or visible in your daily life.

• Write down his contact info if you need to, then delete him from your phone. This prevents the impulse to call or text in a moment of weakness.
• Remove or store photos that remind you of him, both physical photos and ones on your phone or computer.
• Don’t delete him from your social media – that can seem petty or dramatic. Instead, mute him so you don’t see his posts in your feed.
• Put away gifts, letters and other physical reminders of the relationship. Store them in a box in the back of your closet or somewhere else out of sight.

Don’t revisit these items during your detox period. Every time you look at that old photo or read that sweet birthday card, you’re reopening the wound and extending your healing time.

Erase His Power Over You

The more you think about him, the more you miss him.

This is a simple but powerful truth.

Your thoughts are creating your emotional reality and if your thoughts are constantly focused on him, you’ll be stuck in the pain of missing him.

Fighting the urge to obsess serves you in the long run, even though it’s difficult in the moment.

It’s like working out – it might hurt while you’re doing it, but the results are worth the temporary discomfort.

Obsessing gives him more power and prevents you from getting over him.

When you allow your mind to constantly revolve around thoughts of him, you’re essentially keeping him on a pedestal in your mind.

He becomes the center of your emotional universe, which gives him tremendous power over your happiness.

And your happiness is a key ingredient necessary for attracting him back, so you need to get a handle on it ASAP.

In the first section, you learned not to feed into thinking about him – to let those thoughts pass like clouds in the sky.

But to fully erase his power over you, you need to “hit the reset button” on that part of your mind.

A Mental “Hack” To Erase His Power Over You

I know this might sound like the last thing you want to do, but it’s one of the best things you can do: Go on a couple dates.

A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that people who began new relationships more quickly after a breakup reported significantly higher levels of well-being, self-esteem and trust compared to those who stayed single longer.

That is, science confirms that mentally setting your sights on someone new isn’t just a distraction – it actually helps reset your brain’s emotional patterns and speeds up your recovery from the previous relationship, which explains why even casual dating can dramatically shift your perspective.

You don’t have to sleep with them, you don’t even have to kiss them.

But going on a couple dates can do a lot to change your perspective and it’s something you have to experience to understand the full benefit of it.

But I’ve worked with thousands of women over these past few decades and I know this is one of those rules that clients love to skip.

They think, “I’m not ready,” or “I don’t want to lead someone on when I’m still thinking about my ex.”

So if you don’t go on a date, at least mentally set your mind on someone else.

It doesn’t need to be someone you know yet; it could even be a character on TV.

The idea here is to mentally fantasize about being in a relationship with another man that’s exactly how you’d want it to be.

Psychologically speaking, this “mental hack” does a lot to help you move on emotionally from a breakup.

It tells your brain that you can be happy even if you’re not with this guy, which really helps you regain your mental clarity and well-being.

Erasing the Hurt and Giving Yourself Closure

Another powerful technique is to write down all the things you didn’t like about the relationship.

A study from the University of Missouri-St. Louis by Dr. Sandra Langeslag found that writing a list of negative aspects about your ex-partner effectively decreased attachment and infatuation feelings, even though it temporarily made participants feel worse.

In other words, while it might feel uncomfortable at first to focus on the negative aspects of your relationship, science confirms that creating this balanced view actually helps your brain break free from idealization and speeds up your emotional recovery in the long run.

This isn’t about villainizing your ex – it’s about creating a balanced view of the relationship instead of idealizing it.

If there’s anything that still bothers you about the relationship, the best thing you can do is let go of it.

That’s really what forgiveness actually is: You consciously choose to let something go so you can be free from it again.

An easy method to do this is to see the scene in your mind, distant and in black-and-white (to dull the emotional intensity) and just repeat to yourself, “I forgive this and I’m letting this go. I’m OK now.”

It’s empowering because you’re choosing it.

A study examining forgiveness after breaking up found that letting go of negative thoughts, feelings and behaviors toward an ex-partner was negatively correlated with depression, state anger and trait anger, while positively affecting overall well-being and emotional healing.

Here science shows us that forgiveness isn’t about condoning what happened or giving your ex a pass – it’s about freeing yourself from emotional baggage that would otherwise continue to weigh you down and prevent you from moving forward, whether that’s with your ex or someone new.

MORE: How to Get Your Ex Back For Good

What to Do During No Contact

The no contact period isn’t just about avoiding your ex – it’s about actively focusing on yourself and becoming the best version of yourself possible.

Here are specific actions to take during this time:

Start Exercising or Throw Yourself Into Exercising

If you already exercise regularly, step it up a notch. If you don’t, now is the perfect time to start. Exercise is a powerful tool during your detox for several reasons:

• It helps you look your best. Let’s be honest – when your ex sees you again, you want to look amazing. Exercise helps you tone up, lose any extra weight and improve your overall appearance.
• It gives you a place to stop thinking about your ex. When you’re pushing yourself in a workout, you’re fully present. Those moments of mental clarity are precious during a time when your mind might otherwise be constantly replaying the breakup.
• It improves your mental state and makes you feel better. Exercise releases endorphins, the body’s natural mood elevators. It’s like a natural antidepressant, helping to lift you out of the post-breakup blues.
• The endorphins help detox you from the relationship. Breakups can be like an addiction, with actual withdrawal symptoms as you get used to life without your ex. Exercise helps ease those symptoms by giving you a natural high.

Get Compliments From Other Guys

This might sound shallow, but it’s incredibly healing to know that other men find you attractive and interesting.

You don’t have to flirt back if you don’t want to, but allowing yourself to receive compliments and attention can be a powerful boost to your self-esteem.

Be friends with other guys.

Grab lunch with male coworkers, hang out with your brother’s friends or spend time with platonic male friends.

Just being around men who appreciate you reminds you that your ex isn’t the only one who can see your value.

This makes your ex wonder if one of these guys is dating you, especially if he sees you on social media or hears through mutual friends that you’ve been spending time with other men.

That hint of competition can be a powerful motivator for him to reconsider the breakup.

Getting compliments gives you a confidence boost when you might be feeling rejected and undesirable.

Every time someone notices your new haircut or tells you that you look great, it helps rebuild the confidence that might have been shaken by the breakup.

These interactions also provide emotional support during a time when you might be feeling isolated.

Having people around who lift you up and make you feel good about yourself creates a buffer against the loneliness that often comes after a breakup.

The point here isn’t to make your ex jealous, it’s to help lift your spirits.

Focus on Your Vibe

Your vibe is an attraction superpower for you… when you understand how it works, that is.

But what do I mean when I say your “vibe”?

It’s the energy you give off, the feeling people get when they’re around you. And it can work for you or against you in powerful ways.

When your vibe is positive, it’s magnetically attractive. People want to be around you, including your ex when you eventually reconnect.

A study published in the National Library of Medicine showed that a happy facial expression could actually compensate for relative unattractiveness in social evaluations.

In other words, your happiness can literally be more magnetic than your physical appearance – it’s not just a metaphor when I say your vibe draws people in.

Science confirms that when you’re genuinely happy, people are naturally more attracted to you regardless of other factors.

Your Mood is Your Vibe

For any longtime readers, you know I’ve said it for years: Your mood is your vibe.

Your vibe is essentially your mood – how you’re genuinely feeling at the moment.

When your mood is good, your vibe reflects that.

You give off an energy of happiness, confidence and openness that draws people to you.

But when you’re anxious, worried or desperate, your vibe reflects that too.

You might try to hide it, but on some level, people can sense that something’s off.

They might not be able to put their finger on it, but they can feel a tension or heaviness in your presence.

Research from leading psychologists Carmichael and Mizrahi revealed that nonverbal signals are often interpreted more quickly and carry more weight than what you actually say.

In other words, when you’re trying to hide your anxiety or neediness around your ex, your body language is literally betraying you – the micro-expressions, voice tone and subtle behaviors you’re not even aware of are broadcasting your true emotional state loud and clear, no matter how carefully you choose your words.

Your Vibe is an Attraction Superpower

Having a great vibe makes you tremendously more attractive, charming and magnetic to everyone. It attracts love from every corner of your life.

And having a bad vibe? It’s enough to repel everyone, even if you’re gorgeous.

So focus on making sure you’re in the best mood possible.

Do things that make you feel good.

Maybe that’s taking a long bath, reading a great book, going for a hike in nature or watching your favorite comedy.

Whatever reliably improves your mood and lifts your spirits, do more of it.

Hang out with good friends who bring out your best.

I’m talking about the friends that have you feeling better about yourself and life whenever you hang out with them. We all have some friends who drain us and others who energize us – stick with the energizers during this time.

Fill your life with things you love to do. Revisit old hobbies or explore new interests.

Take that painting class you’ve been curious about. Learn to cook something challenging. Go on a weekend trip somewhere you’ve always wanted to visit.

When you feel happy, fulfilled and whole on your own, you are setting your love life up for success.

Why? Because when you already love your life, you’re naturally going to choose a guy who complements your great life.

You’ll be attracting men who are attracted to the best version of you. And you’ll be choosing from a place of strength, not weakness.

And since you’re already happy, you’re emotionally stable in your relationships.

You no longer fear the relationship falling apart like it’s a devastating nightmare. Relationship issues don’t affect you at your core anymore – you can remain clearheaded and poised, even when the ride’s a bit bumpy.

Studies published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that self-fulfillment and personal growth are among the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction for both men and women.

In other words, science confirms that the happier you are with your own life, the more likely you are to form healthy relationships.

It’s not selfishness – research shows that people who prioritize their own happiness and fulfillment are actually better able to handle relationship challenges and make healthier relationship choices than those looking for someone else to complete them.

Remember, you need to get to a place where you want to get your ex back, but don’t need it to happen.

A relationship should be the icing on the cake – not what makes your life good in the first place.

If you build a life that’s fulfilling and joyful on its own, any relationship you add to it will be healthier and more balanced.

As you follow these steps, something powerful happens.

You get stronger – more confident, more centered, more at peace with yourself.

Meanwhile, he gets weaker – more uncertain, more regretful, more aware of what he’s lost.

By the end of these four weeks, you’ll be in the perfect position to reconnect with your ex – clear-headed, happy and feeling good about your life.

You’re at your best and more attractive than ever.

Step 4: What To Do When Your Ex Reaches Out (Or How To Text Your Ex Back)

Now that you’ve completed the no contact period and worked on yourself, it’s time for the exciting part – getting back in touch with your ex. This is where all your preparation pays off.

I’m going to give you a simple, powerful, proven method to get your ex back. I’m going to hit all the big points and then give a simple, foolproof approach to communicating with him.

In my program about how to get your ex boyfriend back (Get Him Back by Eric Charles), I show you how to plant seeds of desire in your ex boyfriend that make him crave to get back together with you (all while thinking it was his idea)…

The thing is, this is already a long post and there’s no way I could fit all those techniques in this article. It made sense for me to give you one strong, simple approach here and explain it well versus rushing through a full treasure chest of psychological tactics to get your ex back.

Do they work? Absolutely. I can confidently say there’s nothing better out there and I share so many psychology techniques to bring him back that it’s almost unfair.

That said, what I share here is a great approach and works very well. I only mention the program because there’s lots more if you’re looking for a maximum-strength solution to make him crave to have you back.

You can check out that program here (scroll to the link at the bottom of this page): Do You Want Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Use This to Get Him Back...

Checklist Before You Contact Your Ex

Before you take any steps to get in touch with your ex, make sure you can check off these items:

• Did “no contact” as described here for at least 30 days.
• Put time and effort into stepping into your best self.
• Accepted that you’ve broken up and you’re a single woman now.
• Know there are millions of other guys out there.
• Gone out with another guy at least once during no contact.
• Want him, but don’t need him. You’ll be OK either way.
• Genuinely moved on emotionally from the breakup.
• Confident that getting back together is right decision.

If you can honestly check off all these items, you’re ready to move forward. If not, you still have some work to do before contacting your ex.

Don’t cheat here. You’d only be cheating yourself. Make sure you’ve done everything on the checklist before moving ahead.

MORE: Does Your Ex Want You Back?

Psychology of How to Get Your Ex Back

Let’s take a moment to understand the psychology of what’s happening with your ex after a breakup and during the no contact period.

Even though you haven’t been in touch, things will remind him of your relationship. Songs you both loved, places you used to go, mutual friends or random triggers that connect to memories of you.

As time passes, his feeling of missing you grows. The daily routines you once shared now have an emptiness to them. The support and connection you provided is noticeably absent.

Eventually, he’ll start to worry he’s lost you forever.

This is a critical moment for getting him back.

His fear of truly losing you can be a powerful motivator for him to reconsider the breakup.

When this fear kicks in, he might reach out to see if he still “has” you or if there’s an actual risk of losing you to another man.

How He Might Try to Contact You

He might check in on you directly or indirectly. Here are some common ways he might try to make indirect contact:

• Watching your Instagram stories
• Liking your social media posts
• Showing up where he might run into you
• Texting about random things that don’t really need a response
• Ringing your phone once so you’d have to call back

It’s important to understand that this kind of indirect contact is bait. He’s testing the waters to see if you’ll bite.

Don’t take the bait.

Taking the bait lets him see if you’re still hung up on him and eager to get back together.

If you respond enthusiastically to one of these indirect ways of getting a response from you, you reveal that he still “has” you and he doesn’t have to worry about losing you.

So what do you do about these indirect contact attempts? Nothing. Wait.

If he’s doing this, it’s actually a very good sign your ex is thinking about you and probably missing you.

He might even be starting to worry that he really could lose you.

All you have to do is wait for those feelings in him to build.

When he sees you won’t take the bait, he’ll contact you in a direct way, which sets you up in a much better position.

MORE: How to Get Back With Your Ex

How to Handle If Your Ex Contacts You Directly

When your ex does reach out directly, the way you respond is extremely important.

This is make-or-break, so it’s essential you understand how all this works before responding to your ex reaching out.

First, be careful how you respond. If it’s been less than 3 weeks since the breakup, don’t engage. Just tell him you’re still processing the breakup and need space.

The reason is because you need time to be in the right place emotionally (genuinely moved on, want him but don’t need him to come back) and he needs enough time to process the breakup himself.

Rushing back into things sets up an unstable foundation for getting him back. It’s better to wait.

If it’s been 3 weeks or more, you can respond to a direct contact from him.

Listen to what he has to say. Be civil and polite.

Now, here’s the most important thing to understand: He will be scanning to see if he still “has” you or if there’s an actual risk of losing you to another man.

In one way or another, he’ll test the waters to see if he still “has” you or not. It’s usually indirect, but he’ll set you up to say how much you miss him and want him back.

For example, he might say something like, “I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately,” or “I miss talking to you,” or even directly ask, “Do you miss me?”

If you respond by gushing about how much you miss him and want him back, he’ll be relieved that there’s no chance of losing you. There’s no pressure to get back together and he can do whatever he wants since you’ll be waiting.

It will bring him relief, but this is the opposite of what’s helpful in this scenario.

This isn’t about being cruel to him, it’s about being kind to yourself.

The truth is, if he wants to be single, then it comes with the cost of risking that you’re single too. And that means he could lose you.

He needs to feel that reality.

If you prevent him from feeling that by reassuring him that you desperately want him back, then you remove a huge motivating force for him to get back together with you.

There’s no reason to do this. So don’t.

You don’t need to talk about any of it – if you’ve moved on, if you’ll wait for him, if you want him back.

Keep it light and vague.

If he asks you directly, you can say, “I can speak to that, but are you asking me because you want to get back together with me?”

If he says anything other than a yes, then you can respond with something equally non-committal. “OK well if you decide that’s what you want, you can let me know.”

If he really presses you to know where you stand, you can say something like, “Look, the breakup was hard for me. But I realized it means I’m single now and need to move on with life and be happy.”

It acknowledges reality, there’s nothing cruel or dramatic about it and it’s fair.

What can he say to that? No, you’re not single now? No, I don’t want you to move on and be happy?

You’re not pretending you don’t want him back, but you’re also not reassuring him that you’ll wait around for him.

Chances are he’s already been missing you and second-guessing the breakup.

When it’s clear he could lose you, that is often enough to tip most men into begging for you back.

You’re not doing anything cruel or manipulative here – you’re just stating the reality and giving him the space to step up.

And it sets things up for you to get back together in the right way, where he chooses it clearly. No wishy-washy situation-ship.

MORE: Complete Guide To Getting Your Ex To Miss You After A Breakup

What If It’s Been the Full 30 Days and He Hasn’t Reached Out?

If you’ve completed the full 30 days of no contact and your ex hasn’t reached out to you, it’s OK to make the first move.

Here’s how to reach out to your ex boyfriend effectively after no contact:

Use text messages, not calls. Don’t call right away – texting is much better for initial contact.

Why? Because texting is low-pressure.

It gives him space to respond when he’s ready rather than putting him on the spot.

This space actually lets him build attraction in his mind as he thinks about you and how to respond.

When you text him, give a specific reason why you’re texting.

Tell him about something positive that reminded you of him. For example:

“Hey, I just saw that band we liked is coming to town next month and thought of you. Hope you’re doing well!”

“I was at that Italian restaurant you showed me and tried the dish you recommended. You were right – it was amazing!”

(But, you know, said how you’d actually say it…)

• Keep it subtle and positive. You want it to feel natural, not forced.
• Don’t bring up the relationship or breakup.
• Don’t text with any negativity.
• Avoid empty, meaningless texts like “heyyy” or “wyd?” that don’t give him anything to respond to.
• Don’t text over and over without a response.

If he doesn’t reply to your first message, wait at least a week before trying again with something completely different.

If he doesn’t respond to that, it’s best to just leave him alone while you focus on your own life.

Your mindset when reaching out should be: happy, content, fulfilled.

You’re doing great in your life and just thought of him – not desperately seeking his attention or validation.

You don’t explicitly say it, but you want to frame the conversation like breaking up was for the best but it would be a shame to throw away the friendship.

This creates a low-pressure situation where you can rebuild connection without him feeling cornered.

How to Meet Up With Your Ex After No Contact

Once you’ve established text communication again and things seem positive, you can suggest meeting up in person.

This is where you’ll really be able to showcase how much you’ve grown and changed since the breakup.

When you suggest getting together, don’t call it a date.

Remember – the frame is that you want to be friends and keep the friendship going.

Calling it a date reveals your agenda of getting back together, which can create pressure and resistance.

Instead, keep it casual: “I’m going to be in your area next week – want to grab a coffee?”

For the meetup itself, be attractive, confident and laid-back.

Call him to suggest meeting for coffee or a drink – something simple and time-limited, not a long dinner that could get awkward if things don’t flow well.

Focus on having a good time in the moment.

This isn’t about strategizing how to get him back during your meeting – it’s about creating a positive experience that makes him want to see you again.

The Most Important Factor: Your Vibe

Make sure your mood is good for a good vibe.

What he’ll remember most from your meeting isn’t what you said – it’s how you made him feel.

If you have a bad mood and vibe, that’s all he’ll remember.

A bad vibe reminds him of the breakup and reinforces that you’re better off apart.

A good vibe shows him what he’s missing and plants the seed that maybe the breakup was a mistake.

It’s important for him to feel good about spending time with you.

The contrast between how things felt at the end of the relationship versus how they feel now is key.

If the end of your relationship was tense, negative or cold and now you’re warm, positive and fun to be around, that contrast can be powerful in changing his perspective on what a new relationship with you could be like.

Guidelines for the First Meetup with Your Ex

Keep the first meetup relatively short – an hour or less is ideal.

End it while things are still going well, not when the conversation starts to lag.

This leaves him wanting more rather than feeling relief that it’s over.

After the meetup, don’t immediately press for another.

Let him take the initiative to suggest seeing you again.

If he doesn’t, you can wait a week or so and then reach out with another casual invitation.

Handling Common Scenarios

Let’s go through a few common scenarios you might encounter during this reconnection phase:

He Seems Interested But Doesn’t Mention Getting Back Together

This is actually ideal.

It means he’s enjoying reconnecting with you but doesn’t feel pressured.

Continue building positive interactions and let him come to the conclusion on his own that he wants more.

Men value what they choose themselves far more than what’s pushed on them.

He Asks If You’re Seeing Anyone

If he brings up your dating life, it’s a good sign – he’s thinking about you romantically.

Keep your answer light and somewhat mysterious: “I’ve been on a few dates. Nothing serious yet.”

This shows him you have options but leaves the door open for him.

He Mentions He’s Dating Someone

If he brings up that he’s seeing someone, stay completely unbothered. “That’s great! I hope it’s going well.” Then change the subject.

Your lack of jealousy or upset will intrigue him far more than any negative reaction.

MORE: How to Get Back Together With Your Ex According to Experts

He Wants to Sleep With You Without Commitment

This kind of thing is likely to come up if you were sleeping together before.

First off, if he hasn’t made it very clear that he wants to get back together with you, then it’s a bad idea to sleep with him.

The thing is, you might really want to. So it’s important that you wrap your head around this now while you’re thinking clearly.

Sleeping with an ex when he hasn’t made it clear he wants to get back together is one of the surest paths to fall into a situationship.

On the other hand, if he really wants it and you don’t do it, that can add even more fuel to him wanting to get back together with you.

Again, getting an ex back is an emotional process. The more he craves you emotionally, the more he will convince himself it’s the best idea to get back together with you and make it work.

So how do you handle this kind of thing? Simple.

If things take a turn towards sleeping together, all you have to say is something like, “I really want to… but I can’t. If we’re not together, it would hurt too much.”

That’s it.

It’s great because you’re not rejecting him. In fact, you’re affirming how much you’d want it.

But you make it crystal clear that it’s not possible if you’re not together as a couple. This is the perfect thing for him to reflect on emotionally and can help your chances a lot.

He Apologizes for the Breakup

If he offers a genuine apology, accept it gracefully but don’t immediately jump to “so let’s get back together!”

You can say: “I appreciate you saying that. It means a lot to me.”

Then see what he suggests next.

Give him the space to take the lead in rebuilding the relationship.

The Final Secret: Patience

The most important quality you need during this reconnection phase is patience.

Rushing things usually backfires and pushes him away.

If you’ve done the inner work, you’re in a good place regardless of what happens with him.

This gives you the strength to let things unfold at their own pace rather than forcing them.

Trust that if you’ve followed all the steps so far – completed no contact, worked on yourself, approached reconnection the right way – the seeds you’ve planted will grow naturally.

Don’t dig them up every five minutes to see if they’re growing.

MORE: 9 Ways to Get Your Ex Back

Step 5: Take The Quiz: ‘Can I Get My Ex Back?’

If you’re unsure about whether you can get your ex back or what approach might work best in your specific situation, I’ve created a detailed quiz to help guide you.

This quiz is designed to give you personalized advice based on your individual situation. The questions gather all the relevant information to tell you exactly where you and your ex stand and the most effective way to get him back.

The results are super accurate so take the quiz right now to find out if it’s worth another shot with your ex, or if you’re better off moving on instead.

Remember, the goal isn’t just to get him back temporarily. It’s to create a new, stronger relationship without the issues that caused the breakup in the first place.

By following the steps outlined in this article – implementing the no contact rule, avoiding critical mistakes, working on yourself and reconnecting the right way – you’ve given yourself the best possible chance of not just winning him back, but keeping him.

The most important part of all of this is that you work on yourself during this time.

That way, you win no matter what happens – whether that’s a new relationship with your ex or the confidence to move forward and find an even better love in your future.

If you liked this article and found it helpful, then I’m certain you’ll love my full program to get your ex back, faster and easier than you ever thought possible.

You can find it here (scroll to the link at the bottom of this page): Do You Want Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Use This to Get Him Back...

Hope it helps,

eric charles

In summary…

How To Get Your Ex Back in 5 Proven Steps

• The tricky part isn’t getting him back – it’s keeping him. Most women lose him again because the same problems that ended the relationship are still there. You need a proven plan for a stronger, healthier relationship than before.
• First step: the 30 day no contact rule. He needs to miss you, which requires being fully absent from his life. Around the 3-week “peak,” his loneliness intensifies – he doubts his decision, reminisces about good times, and fears losing you for good.
• No contact isn’t just for him – it’s for you. This is proactive time when you emotionally “move on” before reconnecting. Reach a place where you want him back but don’t need him back. Female happiness is an aphrodisiac – genuinely being happy is magnetic to men.
• Avoid critical mistakes: falling into a situationship (hookups without commitment), pouring your broken heart out (appearing desperate), or telling him he still “has you” while broken up (removing his motivation to come back or commit).
• When he reaches out, he’s scanning to see if he still “has you” or risks losing you. If he wants to be single, it comes with the risk you’re single too – meaning he could lose you. He must actively choose to get back together, coming to that conclusion himself.
• Your vibe is an attraction superpower. What he’ll remember isn’t what you said – it’s how you made him feel. A bad vibe reinforces you’re better apart; a good vibe shows what he’s missing. Remember: your mood is your vibe.