Ask a Guy: I Want My Ex Back post image

Ask a Guy: I Want My Ex Back

by Eric Charles

My ex and I had a perfect nine months: no fights, some arguments of course, but everything was great.

I was always worried a little about this ex girlfriend. She left him for another guy and he never got over it… or over her I guess.

When she became available again, he left me for her!  I don’t understand what happened … I just know I want him back.  What should I do?

Relationships, as a concept, are somewhat misconstrued in how people think of them.

See, when most people think of a relationship, they think about two people relating to one another.

When something goes wrong, we are quick to assume that one person wronged the other or that one is at fault.

The relationship people have with themselves is often ignored… and is most often what is to blame.

Most people have poor relationships with themselves.  Low self-esteem, insecurity, self-doubt, regret, shame, guilt… the list goes on and on.

The problem with the ex-girlfriend leaving this guy for another guy is that he never repaired the relationship with himself after she left.  In the back of his mind, he felt as though she took a part of him… that he wasn’t good enough…  that he was not worthy enough.

For a guy, it is nice to have a relationship with a woman.  And when the relationship is going badly, the guy suffers.

But it is unbearable to a guy to feel as though he is ineffective in “winning the heart” of his woman.

Think about it – guys don’t typically call girls “losers.”  A guy could call a girl a “loser”, but it wouldn’t be as crushing as many of the other cruel things that he could say.

But women call guys they don’t like “losers” all the time.  It’s a crushing insult to a guy because it implies that he is incapable of winning… ineffective to bring home the bacon…  unable to overcome the obstacles of the world.

So your ex boyfriend probably loves you very much, but had never gotten over the idea that he wasn’t “good enough” to have her.  His thinking is a mistake, but feels real to him.

MORE: How to Get Your Ex Back: Everything You Need to Know 

And he’s made the assumption that if he could have her back, then it would mean that he’s “good enough” now and overcame whatever was formerly unworthy about him.

It all comes back to the relationship he has with himself though.  Nobody can make anyone else feel “worthy” or “good enough”.  That feeling can only come from within.

In time, he will get over his baggage.  My advice is to wait until he does – you don’t want to date a guy who’s chasing illusions and doesn’t have a good relationship with himself.

I would recommend moving on with your relationship life…  the worst that could happen is that you leave yourself open to new possibilities, new fun and new companionship.

And since this guy has already shown that he’ll come crawling back to an ex, it’s possible he’ll follow in suit here.

Especially if that girl he’s with previously left him for another guy.  It’s likely that it’s only a matter of time before that relationship collapses again.

And be sure to take our quiz “Can I Get My Ex Back? quiz to know if this relationship has a chance.

Good luck and hope it helps,

eric charles

Written by Eric Charles

I'm Eric Charles, the co-founder and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing articles to help people free themselves from suffering and have clarity in their love life. I have a degree in Psychology and I've dedicated the last 20 years of my life to learning everything I can about human psychology and sharing what gets people out of struggling with life and into having the life they really want. If you want to contact me, feel free to reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

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18 comments… add one

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Nik

My ex boyfriend and I were always arguing over text messages because he’s a workaholic with responsibility’s at home has been separated for two years because his estranged wife left him for the guy she had been cheating with he has older kids at home but nobody new about me as he thought it was to soon hence the arguments and me ending the relationship also excuse him of someone else because of the lack of commitment and spending time even though now I’ve ended it again and after staying quite I replied and we both decided to be friends so he came over to mines and we spoke for hrs about everything that’s going on in his life which he has a lot to deal with but we never spoke about me ending things but I have him a hug which led him staying over night then when he left to go home to get ready for work he text me on and if that day we joked but never brought up about that night also morning together nor when we’d see one another we both did love each other and now two days later he’s back calling me babes in his messages I’m really confused and don’t understand what he wants but I’m not going to become Fwb even though I know he’d never like the thought of me being with someone else he’s in his 50s I’m in my 40s so why are we both acting like silly immature kids so some advice about this would be appreciated

Reply December 23, 2019, 3:51 am

Barbara

Nik, I think there are people who would like to share their thoughts with you, but it is so difficult to read what you wrote. Where are the punctuation marks? What is the question, what is a sentence? You wrote a ten or more rows long sentence, it is very difficult to understand.

Reply July 11, 2021, 4:28 am

Crystal

I’ve been divorced for 8 yrs my bf now about the same time he always talks about things that happened in his pasture.e.his 2nd ex and all the women he’s had but when I bring this up he says he hasn’t been with to many women so why does he do this it’s like he doesn’t want to move on stuck in the past I never mention my ex and I have ha a few ex’s but I don’t say how handsome and sexy they are I have moved on and want to b with him what do I do

Reply May 5, 2019, 12:55 pm

Ash

How do I get my ex back when I can’t use the no contact rule because we have kids together? I kno he still has a lot of feelings for me he calls and text things he shouldn’t since we’ve been split up for over a year and a half and he’s already jumped into a marriage. We’ve known each other for 12 yrs and was together for 4 of them when we had kids that’s when things changed

Reply January 4, 2019, 5:46 pm

Chinmayi

My bf loved me a lot…..a lot…..but finally he broke up….He hurted me a lot….He scolded me In bad words……etc …..but my heart says he will definitely come back……I love him…that’s all I know…..even he did…..but he says…..I lie a lot……that’s y he is leaving me…..but I didn’t lie…..I badly want him back….waiting for him to come back….

Reply February 1, 2016, 8:36 am

Denise

My advice to anyone who wants to get back with an ex is to use the time apart to work on yourself. If you look back on what you believe went wrong, then, try to find better ways you can avoid or change the situation if it would present itself again. Also, remember, that no matter what has happened in a relationship, you are only capable of changing yourself. Practice new communication skills, learn what you are willing and not willing to accept if you did get back together. Also, think realistically, remember that everyone makes mistakes, and it may be equally as difficult for him to figure out how to make amends with you. While you are doing this, though, keep in mind that what you wish for may not come true. But by working towards better communication in your life, you will see the benefits of your hard work from all of those around you. Forgiving and accepting others doesn’t mean that you agree with their actions, but it will bring you one step closer to having others treat you the way you deserve. When you have knowledge and acceptance, you are one step ahead. You can control your reaction and choose not to be affected by others mistakes. This is also true when you work on your individual self worth. Think about all of your good qualities. If you stop thinking about your insecurities and choose only to focus on your good qualities, others will too. Also, if you do get back with your ex, remember that this is a choice that you are making. And by making this choice, you are accepting his faults and past mistakes. Start new and do not bring up past mistakes. If you cannot do that, then you should not be in the relationship. Make this new time together with new memories, not old disappointments. Is life better with him or without him ? If it is better with him, then accept him and find ways to build on all that you do love about him. Good luck

Reply December 25, 2015, 4:47 am

jan

I’ve been in a relationship for a year and a half. Well I never really was sure if it was a relationship. We were very happy and sexually very compatible but it seemed like he was always holding back from being exclusive. Made excuses about attending my family functions, and I felt for a long time leaving his options open. I don’t think either of us was 100% honest in the relationship. After reading these columns I realize that I made a lot of mistakes and pushed for a commitment when I should have been happy the way that things were. I ended up going out with someone else that was showing me attention. Finally last week he told me that we want different things and he needs time and is confused. I’m really sad but trying to go on with my life. I feel that he loves me and has text me several times in the last couple of days. I don’t want to do the wrong thing. Last night he text me and wanted to come over for sex. Not even spend the night. Just come by for an hour. I told him No…. I miss him and see now a lot of the things I did wrong. Now what?

Reply December 7, 2015, 1:48 pm

Rhonda

My husband and I have been together almost 11 years. Married 3 1/2. In april 2014 we lost our home, our Belongings, and our 5 dogs in a house fire. We had to move in with his mother until we got back on our feet. Which was great. I got along fine with her. Him and I both handled this in different ways. He started drinking heavily. He rarely drank before the fire. And for me, I became severely depressed. Our communication started to slow down. We would talk to each other about how we were feeling but we weren’t really hearing what the other was saying. I talked to him about going to see my adult children which lived in another city 300 miles away. He agreed that I should go. The next day which was on June 3, I left to go visit my children. I returned on June 14. Which was my husband’s birthday. When I arrived back home, I was informed by my husband that I had to leave. We were finished, and I had to find a new place to live. Later finding out that he had told our family and friends that I had left him. Not Tha I had gone to visit my children for a few weeks but that I had up and moved out and left him. Less than a month later he was already seeing another woman. A friend and coworker of mine. Or who I thought was a friend. 10 months later as of now, March 2014, we are going through a divorce. I don’t want the divorce. I feel that somewhere in his heart that he doesn’t either. But it will be final soon. I would really like to work this out and save my marriage. Is there any hope? If so, please help. I really need the advice from a male on what he thinks. Advice and or suggestions will be highly appreciated!

Rhonda from Texas

Reply March 26, 2015, 6:52 am

dj

Me and my boyfriend were together for almost 3 years. We would have completed 3 yrs in end of this month only.
Well, basically I did the break up.
He was flirting with girls on facebook. I somehow got his password but didn’t tell him that I know everything what he is doing. He started ignoring me, lying to me and hiding things from me.
Before our break up we had a big fight. He says that im over possessive and thinks too much. (He loved my possessiveness at some time)
He was actually wrong at that time also but in that fight I realised that I used some harsh words for him so I was the one to apologise. He was still not ready to talk instead kept on flirting with girls on facebook.
I wanted to change him. He was not like this. I can bet he loved me like anything. He was the one who used to talk about our marriage first. He used to treat me like his wife.
But as I apologised first, he took mr for granted. He kept on ignoring me and treating me like shit for no reason. But one night I told him that I had his password and know everything what he’s doing. Pointed out the lies and his flirtatious talks. The things he hid from me. And there were other things also. Instead of feeling guilty he blocked me.
I didnt tried to contact him for 2 weeks. And im still on NC. But I want him back as a changed man. I know how much he loved me. But I don’t know whats wrong with him.
He doesn’t like to talk about me with anyone. But from past 3-4 days I’m noticing a change in him. His friend told me that whenever he hears a romantic song, he feels sad. And he asked my friend why m I not coming to the gym? ( we go to the same gym)

But why is it taking him so much of time to realise his own mistake? He is the one at fault. He acts like he doesn’t care.
He says its all over to my friend.
My friend tells me maybe he doesnt have guts to face you after what he did. But he is still talking to those girls. I really don’t know what to do. I miss him even after he treated me like shit. I still love him. We were madly in love with eachother. His mother loved me. He told me 2 months earlier only that we can’t be separated.
Please help :(

Reply September 19, 2014, 6:12 am

avi

Its really sad to see that you are in the same problem as me.I had a relation for 8 years and i found him cheating on face book too.I have not done the no contact and i am in touch with his family and they assure me he will be back but he has blocked me from calls and all social networking sites.I am confused sad and i dont know what to do.

Reply November 18, 2015, 9:16 pm

zee

My boyfriend of 1yr dumped me, at first I handled it terribly, but I stop contacting him for a bit and sent an apology for my behalf, although our relationship was not perfect it definitely held alot of potential in our time together we still managed to accomplish our goals individually but somehow got lost along the way so In my apology I acknowledged that he had made the right decision for both of us and that I am not ready myself, he told me he still loved me kept it sweet and short and after that reached out to help me with other things I needed, he was very closed off and angry a wk ago and this is a complete turn around but also in my apology I said that I no longer saw a future for us, he made it clear last wk that he wanted to get over me and did not want to see me and wanted to be left alone so I’m wondering why the turn around? I will keep my options open for dating but mainly am going to focus on myself, we don’t only love one another but there’s just too much love left to give for this to be the end wouldn’t make sense I wonder if he knows that

Reply July 30, 2014, 1:31 am

Angela

I’m going through the same thing…we dated for 11 months and were were always together…they have a son together and he wants to provide for his son so they got an apartment together… it’s been almost 3 weeks now…he’s a great guy and she cheated on him and insults him…I was friends with her and actually ended our friendship a few years ago because how she treated him…He is the most handsome man I have ever met and he is just so good and has the best heart…he even constantly puts himself down and I know it’s because she has made him feel worthless for years…We have still been in contact and he has been so supportive and would still want to see me but that would def be too painful for me…so I sent the text today saying I didn’t want to have contact with him for awhile so I can put myself back together…I know he really cares about me and I know we make each other so happy but he doesn’t even think he deserves to be happy!!

Reply January 24, 2012, 12:02 am

vic

I knew a guy who liked me 4 years back but when he asked me out back then i turned him down knowing I loved him back because he was known as a “player” and decided to stop communicating with him for a while but we started talking a few months back.. it was the 1st time we talked in 4 years… and we still had the same feelings for each other… and i finally gave in and we got together … after a week i introduced him to my good friend, let’s call her “y” and him “x”.. and they got close… we started getting into fights and “y” was always there to comfort “x” and he broke up with me after a month and got with her the very same day :’( I know “y” well for the past 8 years… but she accepted him only because she felt lonely.. but she was really in love with someone else.. and she decided to break up with him after the 3rd week.. when they were going through a break up I was always there for both of them.. and my ex wanted me back and promised not to hurt or leave me again and he told me that I’m the one that he truly likes.. So I thought to give him a 2nd chance.. and after 3 days he left me again because he wanted my friend back badly… but she turned him down because she din want to get hurt again…what do I do?? He’s not talking to me… I really care for him… I do want him but not sure if its right.. And how do I get him back? But if I do get him back will he still hurt me again? PLEASE REPLY.. I REALLY NEED HELP IN WITH THIS?

Reply October 4, 2011, 2:14 am

Stephanie

I am currently going through some problems with my boyfriend that is similar to this situation. Even though I have asked him time and time again to stop talking to his ex he went behind my back and continued. I left him two days ago and now he is begging me to come back. He says that he didn’t know that talking to her was going to put our relationship at jeopardy, and that she just wants to be friends. He also claims that they only talk every so often like once a month or so. She will text him out of the blue trying to see what he is doing and he answers back just to ‘humour’ her. Should I take him back or just move on? I’m worried if I do take him back and she decides she wants him he will go back to her, even though he says he wont ever do that.

Reply September 21, 2011, 2:37 pm

bri

what if i want him back and I love him. I broke up with him over something stupid,I want him to forgive me. for us to be together again. Well he says he wants us to be together again too and that he loves me,but sometimes hes so distant.How do i know if he seriously wants me back. I mean when I say anything about us being together again he always brings up how I broke up with him,and that I need to remember that. I’m like I know that,and he steady says he just needs time. What exactly does that mean?

Reply July 20, 2011, 1:08 am

Sxl007

So I was “talking/dating” then it ended. The fight was over something miniscul but we are on no communication now for 3days. How often do guys go/come back? Will he calm down & call/text/get in touch with me?

Reply April 13, 2011, 1:33 am

Kris

Agreed.
Hit it on the nail. This is exactly what happened to me 3 years ago expcept I was engaged to the guy and left me for his ex because she left him. He never truly got over it and she started coming around again , available. I was crushed and for 3 years I just wanted him back, so finally, I get the answer that Eric just explained. He came back to me and stated that he never was over what she did to him and if could show her how great he is and “worthy” he can get get her back. She crushed his ego and he never let it go. Well, he did now and they are ending things. Its all a matter of time.

Be strong, try and focus on yourself, and remain cool, classy, and confident. If its real love it will work itself out.
All the Best,
K

Reply February 11, 2011, 10:16 am

Annie

I think the advice here is spot-on! Rejection hurts whether it’s from a job interview or a relationship, it happened 3 years ago, or 3 days ago–it sucks, and a lot of the time, we never get over it.

I can remember my first real relationship “rejection;” it hurt like hell and secretly still does. I still think about the guy and how I fell for someone who wasn’t willing to catch me, but hey, that’s life and we all have to move on. It’s also important to remember that no matter who you are, we have all hurt or wronged someone in our lives who cared (or still cares) deeply for us. We usually don’t MEAN to hurt others, it’s just a part of the ebb and flow of life that we all must deal with.

I’m adding this link to the “Links We Love” section of our site tomorrow! :)

Reply February 10, 2011, 11:34 pm

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