How to Stop Chasing Him (and Finally Get the Relationship You Want)

You text him first. You’re always making the plans. You worry he’ll lose interest if you don’t keep the conversation going. You walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting him.

Sound familiar?

If you’re nodding your head, you’re caught in the exhausting cycle of chasing a man who isn’t putting in the same effort. I’ve seen this pattern play out hundreds of times, and I know how draining it can be.

Here’s what you need to understand: When you’re constantly chasing him, you’re not actually getting closer to the relationship you want. In fact, you’re making it impossible.

In this article, I’m going to break down exactly why you’re chasing him, what’s really happening in this dynamic and most importantly – how to stop chasing him once and for all.

And I’ll show you the only way to get what you truly want with him – or discover for sure that what you want isn’t possible with this particular guy.

Maybe he doesn’t text you back for hours (or days).

Maybe he disappears for days without explanation.

Maybe it even seems like he’s just not that into you… until he appears once again and melts you with affection, making you wonder if you’re crazy for thinking there’s a problem.

Here’s what’s really happening under the surface: You’ve emotionally invested in the idea of what this relationship could be, and now the thought of losing that potential feels like a nightmare you’d do anything to avoid.

This is the hidden trap so many women fall into. You’re saying yes to an unworkable situation because you’re afraid of losing him. But that’s precisely what’s keeping you from the relationship you actually want.

MORE: Exactly Why He Stopped Chasing You (And What To Do About It)

The Hidden Emotional Investment Keeping You Hooked (Even When He’s Barely Trying)

Let me break down what’s really going on: You’ve built up this whole future in your head – all the potential connection, all the moments you could share and all the ways this relationship could fulfill you.

That vision feels so good that you’ve become emotionally invested in potential not in the actual relationship (which isn’t working), but in the potential of what it could become.

When something threatens that vision – like setting a boundary or having a real conversation about what you need – it triggers fear. Your brain starts flashing warning signs that you might lose everything.

So what do you do? You avoid anything that could rock the boat. You go along with whatever he wants. You say yes when every part of you is screaming to say no.

This isn’t about being needy vs interested – it’s about how the human mind works when we’ve invested emotionally in something we don’t want to lose.

A 2020 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that people will stay in lopsided relationships 68% longer when they’ve made significant emotional investments, even when they’re not satisfied. This research highlights why you keep chasing – you’re subconsciously trying to justify the energy already spent.

MORE: The Number One Reason Men Suddenly Lose Interest

The Relationship Paradox: Why Your Fear of Losing Him Guarantees You’ll Never Get What You Want

Here’s the uncomfortable truth: The very things you’re doing to prevent losing him are exactly what make getting the relationship you want impossible.

When you avoid conflict and say yes to everything, you’re essentially telling him, “Everything’s great! I’m totally fine with how things are!”

He’s not a mind reader. He’s not a bad guy. He simply believes you’re happy with things exactly as they are – because that’s what your actions are telling him.

Why would he change anything when there’s no problem from his perspective? He’s comfortable, you seem fine with everything and there’s zero chance of losing you.

Meanwhile, you’re spreading yourself thinner and thinner, trying to maintain something that doesn’t actually work for you and silently building resentment that will eventually explode.

MORE: Why Men Pull Away: Top 3 Reasons

The Tell-Tale Signs You’re Chasing Him (And Why It’s Draining Your Energy)

The biggest sign isn’t just texting first or making plans – it’s that your primary emotions in the relationship are anxiety and relief.

You feel anxious until he responds, then relief when he does. Anxious until you see him, then relief when you do. It’s an emotional rollercoaster that’s exhausting you day after day.

You’re constantly seeking relief from relationship anxiety rather than actually building something meaningful with him.

You don’t feel like you’re creating a relationship together – you feel like you’re constantly trying to prevent it from falling apart.

Your friends have started giving you that look when you mention his name because your thoughts are consumed with analyzing his behavior and what it means.

You’ve stopped expressing what you really want or need because it feels too risky – like the slightest complaint might send him running.

You’ve become the “fixer” in the relationship. Whenever there’s a problem (his distraction, inconsistency or lack of effort), you see it as your job to solve it so he acts how you want him to.

Your anxiety has taken the driver’s seat in your actions. You find yourself overtexting, overexplaining or overcompensating to quiet that nagging fear that he’ll lose interest.

You’ve completely lost your ability to say “no.” Setting boundaries in a relationship feels terrifying because you’re convinced he’ll walk away.

You’re far more invested in his potential than in the reality of who he is right now. You’re dating the man for the relationship you wish you could have with him, not for what you actually have with him now.

Your happiness has become completely dependent on his choices. He never texts first, and his plans (or cancellations) or his attention completely dictate your mood from one moment to the next.

The Unworkable Relationship: When Saying Yes to Him Means Saying No to Yourself

When I say “unworkable,” I mean a situation that fundamentally cannot give you what you need in a relationship.

For example, maybe you want exclusivity after months of dating, but he “isn’t ready.” Maybe the relationship never goes beyond hookups when you want emotional connection.

These aren’t just preferences – they’re relationship non-negotiables that make or break whether a relationship can work for you.

By saying yes to these unworkable situations, you’re guaranteeing you won’t get what you want. It’s like trying to grow flowers in concrete – no amount of effort, hope or compromise will make it happen.

The more you accommodate what doesn’t work for you, the further you get from the relationship you actually want.

I know what you might be thinking right now: “But I feel trapped.”

On one hand, saying no terrifies you because you might lose him. On the other hand, going along with things that don’t work for you is slowly draining your energy and happiness.

So you rationalize that you’ll somehow fix this down the line, once the relationship is more secure.

It feels like you’re caught in a lose-lose situation.

But I promise, as you keep reading, I’ll show you that there’s a way out of this trap – one that doesn’t require you to keep sacrificing your needs or keep feeling powerless with him.

MORE: Ask a Guy: How Do I Get Him to Chase Me Again?

The Fear Factor: The Real Reason You Can’t Stop Chasing Him

Let’s get to the root of why this is happening: you’re experiencing a fear of losing him.

In your mind, losing this relationship feels catastrophic – like a nightmare you’d do almost anything to avoid.

That fear is so powerful it overrides your ability to see the situation clearly. It’s like trying to make rational decisions while your house is on fire.

In fact, research from 2023 discovered how fear of losing him directly damages your relationship by creating self-fulfilling prophecies – the more we fear losing someone, the more anxious behaviors we use that actually push partners away.

When fear is running the show, you can’t make good decisions about what’s actually best for you.

The real problem isn’t him or even the relationship – it’s that your fear of abandonment in dating has taken control of your actions.

What Might Be Fueling Your Fear

For many women, there are deeper reasons why this fear feels so overwhelming. You might recognize one or more of these in your own experience:

Deep down, there’s a part of you that equates “being chosen” with your self-worth. The thought of him leaving feels like proof that you’re somehow unlovable or not enough.

There’s a hidden fantasy at work here too – chasing gives you the illusion of control. It tricks you into thinking you can somehow “earn” his love through sheer effort, even when he’s not meeting you halfway.

Your self-doubt is fueling this cycle. You’ve fallen into the trap of thinking you need to constantly prove your value to him, as if you’re not inherently worthy of love and commitment or not “good enough” to get love and lasting interest from a “guy like this,” whatever he represents to you.

The Breakthrough Solution: How Making Peace With Losing Him Changes Everything

Here’s the counterintuitive truth that changes everything: You have to make peace with the possibility of losing him.

This doesn’t mean you want the relationship to end. It means accepting that if it can’t work, you’ll be OK. You’ll survive. Your life will continue and you’ll find happiness again.

Making peace with this possibility starts with facing the fear directly.

Ask yourself: “What am I really afraid of? What do I imagine will happen if this relationship ends?” Often, when you shine a light on these fears, they start to lose their grip.

The next step is reconnecting with the part of yourself that knows you’ll be alright regardless of what happens with this relationship. Think back to challenging times you’ve navigated in the past. Remember that you’ve faced difficult situations before and came through them stronger.

What’s really happening is that your brain has constructed this nightmare scenario where losing him would be unbearable – but that’s just a story your fear is telling you. The tiny idea hiding behind your fear of losing him is the idea that if it happened, you couldn’t handle it.

The truth is, you can handle it. You wouldn’t like it, you don’t want it, but you can handle it.

But until you stop running from that fear and face your fear directly, your brain operates as if it truly is life-or-death.

When you mentally face it instead of “running”, you show your brain that you can handle it and it shuts down the irrational fear at the deepest root of your chasing. After this, things start to get much better fast.

When you truly accept this possibility, something remarkable happens – the fear loses its grip on you. You start to see the relationship more clearly, without the distortion of fear clouding your judgment.

You shift from needing him to wanting him, and that changes everything about how you show up in the relationship. Instead of coming from a place of desperation and anxiety, you can engage from a place of genuine desire and choice.

This mental shift is the key that unlocks the prison of chasing – it frees you to create the kind of relationship that actually works for both of you.

MORE: 4 Ways to Make Him Commit and Want Only You

What You Really Need: Getting Crystal Clear About Your Non-Negotiables

Before you can stop chasing, you need to get crystal clear on what’s absolutely necessary for a relationship to work for you.

This clarity isn’t about making demands or setting ultimatums. It’s about honest self-reflection about what you truly need to be happy and fulfilled in a relationship.

I’m not talking about preferences or wish-list items. I’m talking about the non-negotiable elements without which a relationship simply cannot work for you.

Maybe it’s exclusivity after a certain point. Maybe it’s emotional connection beyond physical attraction. Maybe it’s consistent communication.

Take some time to reflect on past relationships that left you feeling drained or unfulfilled. What was missing? What patterns kept repeating that ultimately made the relationship unsustainable?

Equally important is identifying what makes you feel secure, respected and valued. These aren’t arbitrary standards – they’re the foundation of any healthy relationship that has the potential to last.

These aren’t rules you impose on him – they’re boundaries you set for yourself because you know what you need. They help you recognize when you’re saying yes to something that fundamentally doesn’t work for you.

The goal isn’t to make a long list of demands. It’s to identify the few core things without which you’ll end up unhappy no matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise.

From Chasing to Choosing: The Practical Steps to Stop Chasing Him

Once you’ve faced your fear and gotten clear on what’s unworkable, stopping the chase becomes natural.

Stopping the chase doesn’t mean having a dramatic confrontation. It means stopping all the behaviors driven by fear and anxiety.

Stop overthinking his texts and stop constantly reaching out because you’re afraid he’ll forget about you. Stop rearranging your schedule at a moment’s notice because you’re afraid of missing a chance to see him.

In fact, it’s a good idea for you to reflect on the things you’re doing because you’re afraid if you don’t it will all fall apart.

It’s worth cracking open a journal to reflect on what you’ve been doing and what patterns are rooted in your fear of losing him. Identify those fear-driven actions and choose to stop doing them.

Focus on living your life not waiting for him – the life that was fulfilling before he came along. Give him space to reach out to you.

This doesn’t mean you can never text him first again. If you see something that makes you laugh and want to share it, do it – from a place of joy, not fear.

The key difference is your motivation. Do things because they genuinely feel good, not because you’re anxiously trying to prevent the relationship from falling apart.

In a sense it’s like you’ve made peace with reality and see things clearly now: if it’s going to work, it will. If it can work, it will.

And no amount of chasing will make it work if it’s not going to, so you stop chasing and give things space to play out as they will.

Sometimes just stopping the fear-driven behaviors is enough for him to step up and fill the gap with his own effort.

The Invisible Power of Boundaries: How Self-Respect Changes Everything

Having clear boundaries isn’t about creating rules for someone else – it’s about knowing what works for you and what doesn’t.

When I talk about self-respect, I’m talking about something very simple: not saying yes to situations that fundamentally can’t work for you.

It’s not about being demanding or entitled. It’s about the clarity of understanding what you need for a relationship to work.

The interesting thing about boundaries is that they don’t need to be loudly proclaimed or enforced with ultimatums. They simply exist as a natural extension of your internal clarity about what you need.

When you have this clarity about your boundaries, something important happens. You create the opportunity for these boundaries to be respected.

But here’s the key insight: if you don’t have boundaries in the first place, respect can’t even enter the equation.

Think about it this way – if you say yes to everything, even things that don’t work for you, how can he possibly know where your boundaries are? How can he respect limits that don’t exist?

It’s not that he’s actively disrespecting you. It’s that without clear boundaries, the very concept of respect becomes meaningless. You can’t respect what you can’t see.

This is why boundaries naturally attract respect. When you’re clear about what you cannot accept, that clarity naturally radiates in your interactions, often without you having to say a word.

Your energy shifts. The way you respond to certain behaviors changes. And he’ll notice this shift, even if he can’t articulate exactly what’s different.

There was a massive 2025 study of 1,200 adults that revealed that people who maintain clear emotional boundaries have 42% higher self-esteem and 31% better relationship outcomes. Researchers found setting limits activates our innate self-worth systems – even if it initially feels uncomfortable.

The Difference Between Complaints and Standards

Now often when I’m explaining this, I’ll have a woman say, “But I’ve told him what I wanted many times!” That’s when I’ll ask, “When he didn’t do it, did you walk away from the relationship?” She’ll almost always say, “Well… no…”

My point is this: There is a world of difference between voicing complaints versus having standards.

When you’re clear on what must be there, you’re clear. You know if it’s not there it can’t work and therefore you must walk away. You’re rooting for him, you want him to deliver.

But if he won’t or can’t, it’s not in the category of a want, where you hope if you ask nicely enough or complain enough you’ll get it.

It’s that you’re clear on what has to be there or it can’t work. You need oxygen to breathe. If there’s a room without oxygen in it, you can’t go in there. That’s a need. That’s clarity.

So I just want to drive the point home that even if this has been something you’ve voiced in the past, it’s empty noise if there’s nothing behind it.

On the flip side, when you see clearly that it’s something that must be there or there’s no way you can make it work, then you have clarity. You see when you have no choice but to walk away, and so you’re willing to because you know you must.

And having that clarity changes everything. Ironically, that power of clarity and willingness to walk away from what can’t work often never needs to be spoken. It’s more powerful than one million empty complaints with nothing backing them.

MORE: 5 Things Every Girl Needs to Know About Men

What Happens When You Stop Chasing Him: The Two Outcomes That Both Work in Your Favor

When you’re no longer acting from fear and have stopped chasing, one of two things will happen:

Either he’ll step up and meet you where you need him to be (which means you get the relationship you actually want)…

Or he won’t, which confirms this relationship couldn’t have worked anyway, saving you months or years of heartache.

Both outcomes are wins because either way, you’re no longer stuck in the painful limbo of chasing.

Think about it – would you rather know now that it can’t work or waste years trying to force something that was never going to give you what you need?

I’ve seen this play out countless times. Sometimes, the guy pulls away then comes back when you stop being so available – like the woman who told me, “When I stopped answering his late-night texts, he booked a real date and apologized for being distant.” He panics when he realizes you might actually walk away and suddenly finds the motivation to commit.

Other times, you realize you were more afraid of being alone than of losing him specifically. As one woman shared with me, “Letting go hurt at first, but I felt this wave of relief afterward. That space is what allowed me to meet the man I’m marrying next year.”

And sometimes, you finally see who he really is. As another woman put it, “When I stopped making excuses for him, I saw he wasn’t just ‘busy’ or ‘scared of commitment’ – he was actually selfish and didn’t prioritize me.” Stopping the chase reveals his true colors.

The Freedom Effect: How Stopping the Chase Transforms You From Anxious to Authentic

When you’re no longer driven by fear of losing him, you can finally be authentic in the relationship.

You’re no longer overthinking every text, experiencing texting anxiety or walking on eggshells.

This doesn’t mean becoming demanding or inconsiderate – it means no longer letting anxiety drive your behavior.

When you stop acting from fear, you naturally become more attractive because you’re being your genuine self.

When you stop being clingy in a relationship, you create space for him to step up and pursue you.

The End of Chasing: Your Path to a Balanced Relationship (Or Something Better)

Chasing vs attracting a man comes down to getting clear on what you need and freeing yourself from fear-driven behavior.

When you make peace with the possibility of losing him, you free yourself from the grip of fear that keeps you chasing.

Remember: If saying no to what’s unworkable ends things, the relationship couldn’t have given you what you wanted anyway.

And if he steps up when you stop chasing? You’ve created the foundation for a balanced relationship where both people choose to be there.

From now on, whenever you feel the urge to chase him or compromise your needs, ask yourself this one simple question: “Am I acting from fear of losing him or from honoring what I need for it to work?”

This question cuts through all the confusion and gets straight to the heart of what’s driving your actions.

When you choose honoring what’s workable over fear, you either transform the relationship into something healthy or you reveal that it wasn’t meant to last. Both outcomes are victories for you.

Either way, you win – because you’re no longer caught in the exhausting cycle of chasing a relationship that’s always just out of reach.

If You Really Want To Make It Work With Him…

Look, this article shared a key concept to help make your love life much better: Why you can’t chase and what you must do instead…

But that’s just the beginning. Knowing not to chase avoids one of the biggest relationship-killing mistakes, but there’s more you need to know if you really want things to work out with this guy.

My bet is that if you’re here, you don’t just feel like you’re chasing him, but that you might be losing him… losing his interest, losing his attraction, losing his enthusiasm for you.

You just want a solution, a real solution, so things work – so he wants you, wants to put in effort and wants to be in a relationship with you.

If you can relate to any of what I just said, then you need to read this immediately: If He’s Pulling Away, Do This...

Hope it helps,
eric charles

Stop Chasing Him: Why You’re Always Chasing Him & How To Stop Once And For All

• When you’re constantly chasing him, you’ve become emotionally invested in the potential of what the relationship could be, not the reality of what it actually is – and this investment keeps you trapped in fear of losing that potential.
• The very things you’re doing to prevent losing him – avoiding conflict, overthinking his texts, and walking on eggshells – are exactly what make getting the relationship you want impossible because he believes you’re fine with how things are.
• The real problem isn’t him or the relationship – it’s that your fear of abandonment has taken control of your actions, overriding your ability to see the situation clearly and make decisions based on what actually works for you.
• Making peace with the possibility of losing him doesn’t mean wanting the relationship to end – it means accepting that if it can’t work, you’ll be OK, which frees you from the grip of fear and allows you to see the relationship clearly.
• When you stop chasing, one of two things will happen: either he’ll step up (and you get the relationship you want) or he won’t (confirming it couldn’t have worked anyway) – both outcomes free you from the painful limbo of chasing.
• Stop acting from fear of losing him and start honoring what you need for a relationship to work – this clarity about your boundaries naturally radiates in your interactions and attracts respect without you having to say a word.