Ask a Guy: When a Guy Withdraws…

I am on the receiving end of the ‘freak out’. In a way, (now that I’ve had time to reflect) I’m glad it has happened. I needed this time apart too. It has made me look at things in a different way. I think for our unique situation things were quite intense. I think it’s a way of putting the brakes on. Now I’m not so sure though that I want to start it again even if he does contact. I’m quite happy and content by myself and it all just seems like I have less to worry about. It’s not you, don’t take it personally, it’s his way of working on his own feelings. I see it as an energy on a seesaw that has to get the right balance. In the beginning things can get a bit hectic due to lack of knowledge of each other. Things happen for a reason. Slow & Let go. Thanks Eric.

really cool article. legit great advice. thanks :)

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 4 years this July. He and I have lived together for going on 2 years. He sort-of, but not really asked me to marry him last year. We had this big ordeal right before hand with a “friend” of mine. Anyway, this year he became really cold and distant suddenly. He doesn’t like how messy the house is, but instead of cleaning or even helping, he just blames me for not doing enough. My mom is being divorced by my step-dad because she’s too sick for him to take care of, and he doesn’t want to lose his farm to a nursing home. She needed a place to stay, and he said he’d rather I move out for 4 months than her stay with us for a month or so. We have the extra bedroom, he just won’t let it happen. He won’t meet with my family or help me through it. Won’t support me while I talk to her. Wouldn’t help me get a car when mine broke down, just let me jump in the car with him while he drove himself to work. When asked his opinion about cars, he said, “I don’t care.” Last year, right after the sort-of, but not really marriage proposal, he asked me for an open relationship. This year, he bought me a dog after refusing to for years, but then treats me like he hates me. He’s always talking to other girls (always has), never texts me by himself anymore, hardly touches me, barely looks at me, doesn’t talk to me, stays on his phone or the computer all the time when he’s around, goes to events or meets with “friends” after work, even if it’s 12:00 at night. But doesn’t tell me about it until I wake up at about 1 in the morning and realize he’s gone.

Can someone tell me what happened? I know I’m not great, I don’t clean enough, and I told him that WAY before we moved in together. It’s not a choice thing, it’s a “I have lupus, work a full-time job against my doctor’s wishes, and suffer from depression” thing. I know that I cheated on him when we first got together, and I know my supposed friend told him that as a last stab last year to break us up. I know he works crazy hours and is super stressed. I get that I’ve come off super needy this last month trying to save our relationship. I even get that I’m sometimes hard to please. But everything points to him not loving me anymore. And when I try to talk about it with him he says he “doesn’t know why” he’s acting this way and that there isn’t anyone else and that he “doesn’t want to talk about it”. Like that just finishes the conversation. Today, he went outside with the dog, and I went out there to be with both of them, and he immediately went inside, like I had done something awful by disturbing him out there with her.

Every time I’m ready to break up, he’ll give me one decent day where he treats me like I kind-of matter. Nothing really special, just not awful. And I soak it up like a desperate puppy. I think I hate that the most. The way I’m so desperate to feel him love me again. It’s pathetic and needy and I don’t remember being like this before. Not ever. When did I become this person? Is all of this behavior my fault?

I am 35 yo dating the 40 yo successful guy, He’a a succesful Physician Assistant in SF, divorced and has 1 son. I also come from a highly respectable Indonesian famil yWe’ve been in 10 months of long distance before he decided to come to visit me on July 16, my birthday. He never mentioned before that he’s taking his female PA with him even though he told me that after visiting me he’s going to go to Singapore for a medical conference. We had great times, finally made love. everything was beautiful until I got drunk and I felt that his female PA touched me. the mistakes I made was I yelled at his Female assistant, when I drunk on my birthday. I also refused to have sex with him. I didn’t remember any of the event cause I was so drunk, I only remembered that I vomit before I passed out.
The next morning he became cold and distance and kicked me out from the apartment we rented, his PA told me that he needs to go to Singapore to attend a meeting and I better leave cause they want to finish some work before going to the airport. at first I complained cause he promised to stay with me at least for a week but he told me that he is also shocked with the change of schedule and asked me to leave soon. Before I left, I apologized directly to his PA about what happened when I was drunk and also apoloflgized to him for pushing him away when he tried to have sex with me while I was drunk. He kissed me and hugged me before I go and told me that he’s proud of me for being calm and showed dignity under the unexpected circumtances. Shortly after I go I sent him long messages to thank him for a memorable birthday and the effort he made to fly from San Fransisco to Jakarta to visit me, I also apologized for my attitude when I was drunk. I told him that I will give him space and time he needs, I told him I love him and I don’t need another man to make me whole and I will just do the things I do and keep working my way to get scholarship to USA as we’ve planned. I told him, I’ll go to US with or without him. This is the first time I made mistake and for the whole 10 months during our Long distance I showed him I am no drama queen, I am strong, independent and have qualities he needs in a partner.

it’s been 2 days since the night. He’s going back to his country now. and still no call nor messages.
He’s not blocking me on the apps we use to communicate though. I stop messages him and I9 don’t even call him not even once until now. I show him that I mean it when I said I want to give him space he needs.
Do you think I still have a chance with him?
I am still trying to accept the fact that he broke my heart and he might slept with his female PA. I guess I’m still on that classic denial state.
Any help/advice is warmly accepted.
Thanks Eric,

You are amazing!
You answer all questions.
Men are complicated but sometimes – or very often- we tend to stereotype them in a way that is certtainly not close to their real nature.
Greetings from The Netherlands (Amsterdam)

Advice needed please,
Hello all, I am new to this site, going to try to make my ramble as short as possible as it’s kind of a long story.
I’ve been working with this guy in my department for about 9-10 months now. We got along great from the start, with same sense of humor and interests, we can joke around but also be very serious and he seems to have made me the main focus. Our department is small, so everyone knows everyone well, even on all 3 shifts ( we work the same shift obviously)
This male coworker is younger, by 13 years but has no issue with the age difference. From the start he was pretty obvious about liking me, all of our coworkers seem to know it as well.We just *get* each other. But…..there are always different kind of likes, i’ts trying to figure out if it’s a romantic interest or not. Here’s our lowdown, so to speak.

We have great communication, that includes lots of eye contact that remains in focus during the whole conversation, as well as just gazing into each others eyes without a word as one of us will walk past the other one.

During the winter when our company was reducing hours, his would get cut and he had mentioned a few times that during our lunch break on his day off he might drive down with his dog so he could show everyone. This is when he had asked for my number so he would call ahead of time to let me know that he was on his way. ( he never ended up making that extra trip, nor has he called or texted me. I will however say that currently he doesn’t have a phone and was going to use a family members phone, so possibly that might be the reason he hasn’t contacted me that way)

He teases me on a daily basis, about everything under the sun pretty much…and he’s loud about it, making sure that everyone in the room knows that he’s teasing and talking to me. He also spends his breaks with me, often side by side,even if we are just reading our books. Any chance he gets to start up a conversation, he does so and often times it feels like it’s just the 2 of us in the room.
So for awhile he had been talking to me about my gym membership ( one I had been paying for monthly but not been going to the gym as I hate to alone) He too use to have a membership a couple years prior to the same gym. One day he was teasing me so badly about me not using the membership and that it was a waste of money that I should just cancel it ( he knew the reason I wasn’t going, as it’s the one thing I rather have someone with me, even if they are not talking much, just like the company) He wouldn’t let up on it, but he said that he understood, as he was the same exact way. This was Friday. Come Monday, we are all doing our stretches in the department before our workday and he comes in and says in front of everyone “Guess what I did this weekend?” Nobody had the correct guess of course. He looks at me and shows the card on his keychain and says ” I got that gym membership so now you will have someone to go with and we are going as soon as possible” …we indeed started that day after work. Fast forward to 2 months later. We made it a weekly plan of working out on Mondays and Wednesdays, today after we were done and walking to our cars he mentions how good he felt and that we should work out a little bit tomorrow after work as well. I also want to mention that while at the gym, there was this guy that had his eye on me, I mentioned this to my coworker while we were there and asked if we could pick machines that were away from this other guy. My coworker, I will call him Gemini teased me about it and of course when we were at work the next day, he couldn’t wait to tell everyone had I had a secret admire at the gym and teased me the hell about this other guy. I told Gemini that I wasn’t interested in this other guy, that he wasn’t my type. Gemini on another day came to me and asked me ” what if he asks you out?” I said I wasn’t interested in this other guy. Gemini wanted to know why. He wasn’t teasing me about it when he was asking all these questions, he seemed to really want to figure out and find out what my type was.

I will also mention that he has also made accounts to play the same online games as I do, after I was telling him about the ones that I play the most and I can’t help but feel like h’es trying to get a stronger connection. He has asked personal things as well, if I live alone or with family or……..trying to see if I am involved with anyone. I am seperated and have made this fact known to him, he understands the situation. He teases me everyday almost and one time while teasing had mentioned about going to the movies, but he said it in a way that was just teasing, maybe to avoid rejection I think.

I’m sorry for making this longer than I first intended to. I just wanted to put enough information into this so people could have information to base their opinion on.
This man has a ready smile every time he sees me, his face lights up and his eyes get big. People at work think we are going together, some even mentioned that they thought that we were a married couple because they said that is what we act like. We get along great, we *get* each other in a way that other people don’t and we are not trying to work at it, it just comes naturally and easily. He’s been trying to get us to go to the gym more often, trying to find ways to spend time other than during work hours.
He has mentioned that he hasn’t been in a relationship for about 8 years, the last one he had ended badly and I don’t mean normal kind of bad, but in court kind of bad. I know the situation and I understand it.
There had been times when it felt like he was going to ask me out but I could see the hesitation like he was afraid of rejection. I think he isn’t getting my hints that I like him. The first time we went to the gym he acted like a giddy school girl and the next day he was extra friendly and helpful. The next time we were at the gym, he had mentioned that his mom wanted to come with but had to cancel because something else came up. I said that would be fine, anytime she wanted to show up and join us.
One time I was having a horrible day and he asked if I wanted a hug, told me ” I give really good hugs”.
He’s kinda shy when it comes to romantic relationships and his comfort zone is knowing that we can hang out and be best friends. He gets loud in the room trying to get my attention when other guys that he thinks like me come to talk to me ( even if it’s just about work). He waits for me so we can walk to the time clock together and to our cars. He hides nothing.
I think he may not be too sure in the way that I like him and that is the reason he is holding back.
I’m trying to figure out if he’s interested in more than friendship and am asking others what they might think, based on my long ramble of information.

Have a blessed day all

I met this guy in February and we were just friends, but then he starts asking me how I feel about him and he finally said he loved me. At least thats what he said and I was afraid to tell him I felt the same. He would text me every morning and he was kind and loving but now its been 4 days that I haven’t heard from him. I know he’s ok and that he’s going through a rough time, but why is he ignoring me and what should I do? A part of me wants to give him his space and wait until he calls me but the other part wants to just move on and save my pride. I don’t know what to do.!

I have been reading a lot about guys needing space. I get that. It is helpful. It’s really hard because I know he is really stressed about some things and the best thing I can do is not push him right now. But it’s hard. He texted me that he was having a hard time. I ask if I can help and he says no. That’s ok. But then I tell him I love him and he responds without telling me back. But when we see each other in person, he will tell me he loves me. He used to say it all the time. I’ve read that women push or want to close the gap. It’s so hard to not take it personal. What is frustrating though, is that here I am trying to understand and learn to give space buy why can’t guys understand how we feel during this time? We are uncertain. Is it too much to ask that he give us some reassurance during this time? Why can’t he say, you do help or I love you too? The hard part about now is we can see that they are online but not responding to us. I’m trying not to be insecure but why does this have to be one sided?

What if all this is happening but you’re already his girlfriend? Been coupled for 6 months, known each other for 7.5 months.

Ok, I have a question. I’ll be as to the point as possible. I’ve been seeing a guy for the last 3 months. He calls every day – bothers him if I don’t return calls. If i call and leave him a message – he calls back soon. We have gone out to dinner (not fancy – he doesn’t have a lot of money, which is ok) gone to a local place to dance, gone to his house and he has fixed dinner and we have watched movies, gone to flea market, etc. We talk pretty easily – not perfectly at ease. I’m not ready to jump into anything big right now….perfectly happy with taking time to get to know someone. He has taken me to meet his sister and some of his family. The odd thing? I don’t feel any “vibes” from him as far as really liking me. He’s very nice. He is also someone that totally avoids any type of confrontation – and avoids disagreements, even though just small things need to be discussed. Just small things. He says he would rather “go around it” than deal with it, because people get hurt and he doesn’t want to explain himself twice. I like things to be discussed, settled, and forgotten about. Like adults. But I digress. Though we usually spend Friday and Sunday evenings together – he is NEVER affectionate towards me. Doesn’t hug me, doesn’t hold my hand, doesn’t put his arm around me…..never looks at me with “feeling…” Not mean, not angry, just seems “happily indifferent.” He said one time that he “doesn’t know how fast to go…” to which I replied that I’m in no hurry and don’t have a problem taking time. But, even teenagers, when they “like” each other, hug, hold hands, etc. I’m not looking for a giddy “kid” behavior…..just some sign that there is “something” there. When he brings me home from a date, he walks me to the door (even when I go to his house for movies, etc., he comes to get me and takes me back home) He briefly hugs me and gives me a “hen peck,” and that’s literally it. I’m NOT looking for sex or anything right now….but you don’t have to be head over heels in love to just show something, do you? I read stuff that says “you’ll KNOW.” He will want to touch you….your hands, your face….whatever. He doesn’t touch ANYTHING . We slow dance….and while we are dancing, he talks about working on his house. There is no….intimacy to it at all. I would never even consider opening up any “feelings” towards him when he behaves like this. Right now, my emotions are shut down – and I don’t feel anything because I don’t get anything from him. I think he might be afraid….or maybe there is just nothing. But I would like to know if he cares at all, or if I’m just “friend/love match” substitute because he’s bored. He just moved back to our area last May – after being gone for 30 years. He does say he’s reconnected with guys he knew when he played football in high school from around here. He has also said there are “girls” that he knew from school he would like to reconnect with. He said “Not to flirt with them or anything, just to talk to those he used to know. Comments? Should I ask him if he feels anything? Should I back out of this? What?

Hi all,

I guess I was in the freak out phase with my ex. His excuse was he was having troubles. So I got worried and kept on contacting him. He never replied so I sent some long paragraph about if we were serious as he stated prior this never would happen and that I care and if he wanted to end things I would understand, I even apologised for being ott. No reply. Now I really can’t get over it coz it was my fault. So what shall I do? It’s been three months and I’m considering making contact with him again.

Hi there I need advice! I’m a married women and have been for 10 years within the last 4 years my husband has become a different person. He drinks a ton and doesn’t ever seem to be coherent enough at night to carry on a conversation. He also doesn’t seem to want to do anything with me. I ha e told him I want out cause I can’t handle it anymore. One day he wants to work it out the next day he doesnt. I feel you either r all in or out. I have recently in the last 5 months been seeing a guy I have known for over two years. It started as friends just meeting for drinks and talking. Recently he has kinda put me in the friendzone e yet he wants to always meet me touch me fool around with me and most recently tried to have sex with me. I turned him down not cause I wanted to but because I have developed strong feelings for him. He makes me happy makes me feel whole and I want to be with him as much as I can. He also has 4 kids he’s trying to hide me from. When I call him out and tell him we r in two different spots with our feelings for each other he tells me I’m talking stupid. How can I tell if he’s taken me out of the friendzone and wants to move forward with me.. is he into me..I can’t read him. Help please cause I have way to many emotions and feelings tied into this wonderful man. I want to move forward with him but don’t know how to tell I’d he does as well.

helllo i been with someone for 2 yr i told a guy friend that married to me he wants me to be happy then the one i been seeing for two yrs said he want me to be happy i want to know if i should just move on

Okay so i am in a similar situation. I freaked him out and he told me to take things easy. He said we should be friends because we kind off rushed into it and then see if we can work it out. I agreed. So after about what a day he texts me and we have a casual conversation as friends . And then he tells me he misses me because hes sonused to talking to me. And then he sends me this text ” what if after sometime i want to get back with you but you like someone else ” i know he might be leading me on and all. But i really like this guy and i do want us to be together. Help me out here please :(

My guy is definitely in the “freak-out” phase. I read this article and I was shaking my head the WHOLE TIME!! I feel a lot better but I want to make sure I’ve got all this right…

We’ve only been “talking” a few weeks. When I read the beginning of this article where you said that the guy would say so many sweet things to get you hooked. Can I just say…I wish I would’ve read this article weeks ago?! I completely fell for it.This guy told me that he couldn’t believe the way I make him feel and that he’s never been so happy in his life. He was even talking about marriage and kids in the first WEEK!! He even called me by my first name and his last name!! I’ll admit… it freaked me out a little but I liked him SO MUCH that I just fell deep into his trap. When he came back to my town to see his family and see me, HE planned things every day with me. He wanted to see me every day all day. He even brought me to church with him and his family. We all spent the whole day together. Toward the end of his visit back up here, He started acting distant. He was calling me his “homie” and joking around with me like I was just a “buddy”. He wasn’t calling me the pet names he was calling me before and he sure wasn’t treating me like he was when he first arrived back home. Now, ever since he’s gone back, he’s been SO up and down. It’s sending me on a freaking emotional roller coaster. Sometimes he’s so sweet and calls me those names and tells me how much he cares about me and carries on normal conversations. Sometimes, he ONLY talks about sexual things with me and how much he’s attracted to me sexually. And then sometimes, he will be completely distant. He’ll be short with me and hardly respond or when we skype, he will treat me like a “homie” again. He used to always tell me to hurry up and get home so he can see me on FaceTime or Skype and we’d talk for hours. And when he was home, he called me multiple times in a day and he brought me everywhere even if he was with the guys. AND when he went out to hang out with his friends, he FaceTimed me and let me talk to all of his friends and at times secluded himself from his friends just to talk to me and he just drowned me in compliments and pet names. Honestly, I don’t mind being treated like a friend because that’s what I am right now but I just don’t want to keep feeling like this all may be a lost cause or just too much of my energy. I’ve been trying to “play it cool” but it’s so hard… I never call him out for not calling or texting me back and sometimes he even apologizes for not texting when there’s no apology needed. I make sure he knows that he doesn’t need to apologize for not getting back to me asap. And, he always picks up when I call…which is hardly ever anymore because I’m trying to focus on me so I don’t get hurt by this guy. I even feel like he ASSUMES that I’m going to be needy because that’s what most girls act like but 80% of the time, he texts me first now. Please help me read his mind. It’s so confusing…

What is the difference between withdrawing and losing interest?

I met a guy online in early January of this year. After exchanging messages for a couple of weeks and a phone meeting, we met in person. It went really well. From that first meeting 3 weeks ago up until the week of Valentine’s Day, he would text me every day. Whether it was to say hi, tell me about his day, wish me a happy day, set up our next date, or send me silly videos or articles he thought I might like, we were in contact daily. He always initiated contact and asked me out. He made a lot of effort to see me. He always came to my side of town too. I only went to his side of town once. I never initiated contact because I didn’t want to seem needy or too eager (I was trying not to repeat past mistakes). And I only asked him to do something a couple of times. We ended up seeing each other at least 2x a week since meeting. Each time we saw each other we had a great time (he would always send a text later telling me how much he enjoyed our time together and was looking forward to the next time).

The last time I saw him (Saturday before V-Day), we spent the entire day and part of the evening together. It was a fantastic Saturday. We exchanged a few texts on Sunday. That was the last time he initiated contact. I didn’t contact him the following week because I know that V-day can be weird for people and I didn’t want to freak him out. I made plans to spend that evening with my girlfriends. The radio silence all week was puzzling to me though. I decided to text him the Friday after V-day telling him that it’s been a busy week and that although I’d be gone the weekend, that I would like to see him when I got back. I then asked if he’d be interested in meeting up after the weekend. He responded that he had been sick all week and that’d he be in touch. I left it at that. I’ve been advised and read articles online that playing it cool and give him space is the best way to handle it.

Did he lose interest or is he withdrawing? Did I mis-interpret this whole thing and he wasn’t that interested in the first place? To go from constant contact to nothing is confusing. I am very interested in seeing where this could go but I don’t want to scare him off by seeming needy or smothering. I’m hesitant to follow-up. I’m getting the feeling that I won’t hear back. I know it’s nothing I did. He’s a very busy and active person. And it’s quite possible he’s seeing many other girls too but he also told me that he removed himself from the online site as it became too much work and he didn’t have nice experiences with it. I just don’t know. At what point do I just let it go and accept that I won’t hear from him? A week? Two weeks? I decided that after he said he’d be in touch, I’d let him do that if he chooses. I won’t initiate contact with him again, even though I do want to see how he’s been. I am disappointed and I know there are plenty of other men out there but I really like him and I would also like to know if this is worth pursuing.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading!

Me and my bf been dating for almost 3 years. Everything is great and we talk thru whatever problems we may face.
Now when he stresses about work and all, it sucks him in. His mind controls him completely . He feels at the moment he doesn’t want to be with anyone and fight his own battles then suddenly this first time it happened, months ago… i felt like he was ignoring and got me worried cuz he wud t say a wlrd when i asked him how he was doing and all… it was anout a few days this lasted. he texted me inviting me to red lobster and I said okay. We went and he said at the moment he didn’t feel the same after all the stress and hugs me saying he is afraid to lose me and I mean so much to him. I said what? I wanna be supportive in anything he goes through. I guess when he needed the space, he was okay .

Now last Sunday, we were fine when we met. He gets paid bi weekly. He got paid Friday. Then Sunday we were okay. Later Monday he didn’t reply or anything and then on Tuesday he said “I’m so stressed cuz I got paid and now I only have literally no money in my account cuz I had to owe ppl money frm the past and help grandma. $5 in my acct and 3.50 on my metro card This is gonna be a two shitty weeks for me.” I tried to calm him down over text and said plz relax babe. He said “it’s easy for U to say when ur not the one dealing with it.” That got hme mad and I said I pay tuition and then I do pay other things so we all go thru this phase but why beat yourself over it. If u do need help; and I have extra cash, il give u. But don’t say I don’t understand.
Now Wednesday oct 24. Was my BIRTHDAY. I came over to his place and didn’t wanna do anything like jus spend time with him. I kept thanking him for taking the day off on my bday because it meant a lot to me and he makes me happy. He smiled and almost teared.
Later we fell asleep and it felt good. But he kept tearing saying he didn’t give me the best birthday ever and thinks he’s a failure at everything. I said wait what? I’m like don’t say that. Wen u gibe ur best , u don’t realize you do and it makes me happy. And when he asked for the hoodies a month ago from my job, I said oh I seen some that I love. He later snapped and said Dont buy me anything. And it made me feel bad. He never had a problem with me getting something I see and I buy it. After the thing he said about not having money for 2 weeks, he acted different.
My gf and I wen out, he texted me saying happy bday; sorry I cudnt make it better. I said 3 years is amazing and my bday too. Later he says be safe and gnite.
On my bday, when he was dropping me to the train, he said oh u don’t Iike walking with me and I said its not that. He’s like I feel nauseous. And then I said u shud go home. And he got upset and said no Ill drop u all the way to the train.

– Thursday comes, he didn’t write much when I asked how is he. I’m like I’m sorry if idid something. He said “you didn’t do anything. My bad I ain’t say anything, it’s just me.”

– Friday comes and he responds less but said I love u and miss u

– Saturday comes; he texts “hey I miss you. I’ve been thinking of taking a break from everything.” I’m like I respect that but what I do? I said ur stress takes over ur mind then u may be fine again. Later he said “I’m sorry I haven’t been feeling the same lately and I’m sorry if I’m hurting you by saying this its just how I feel :T ”
I said what do u mean by that? I’m like ur so vague when u stress. U say u love me and then a break fr everything including ur fam. And suddenly you say that. I’m like how that makes me feel when my bday passed by and u said u haven’t been feelin the same lately.
I’m like u saying we over and he didn’t reply. I was jus confused and thought he was being fake and I cudnt believe him. Cuz he said that.
Idk what I’m comprehending. It was so vague.
Then I was upset and furious.

– yday I texted him saying be safe and have a good night. I suggest we need to talk Friday after work just in case. Cuz of the hurricane sandy, i wished Him safe . But no replies.
Friday we all get paid too. I open so wanted to talk to him.
I’m so confused . And he didn’t explain himself. He’s bad in words and says he suck at everything. Ppl say he loves u and misses u: his stress makes him feel diff at the moment. But idk it was vague. The first time he did but this time less frequent texts and its vague.
Today I didn’t text. WAs thinking of texting him Thursday.
I’m confused and i care about him.’he doesn’t want me t worry about him when he’s stress and then he says things that makes me feel like I’m a horrible gf and he said I’m not. He brings himself down a lot when he can’t do something then the space. Idk

Vague idk!
I’m sad but please help!!

I posted on this blog months ago and I have learned a lot from my previous feelings. When someone walks away or withdrawals it is not our job to figure out WHY but give them the space to do so. Yes it hurts but maybe we are never fully supposed to understand. Sometimes they come back and sometimes they don’t. There will always be others to meet and let in but I have taken a good look at men who have pulled away and decided its their loss not mine. No matter how bad it hurts, pain is truly only temporary.

Thank you for this article. It helped but I am still confused about what to do with my situation. I am 28. I have been dating an older man (just turned 40) for the past 6 weeks. He has 2 kids & has been divorced for about 5 years. Things were going really well until last week. He was texting a lot in the beginning & being attentive & sweet. I have met his friends & his son (in a casual environment). He has told his friends we are dating and we have slept together several times. Then this last week he has been acting strange. It started last Friday. He texted me after he finished moving his daughter off to college & asked if I had plans that night. We talked about maybe getting together but nothing concrete, he said he wasnt sure if he wanted to go out & he was crabby, so I just told him I’d check after my workout session. I texted to see what the plan was & he was out with a friend. He asked what I was going to do & when I asked if they wanted to meet up, no response. He texted me at 1am and said sorry & asked me to come over. I did not. I told him I was already in bed & it was too late. He replied ok. The very next morning he texted & apologized. Said him & his friend got carried away, it was rude of him & not him to do that. I played it cool,told him I appreciated the apology but I’d give him a pass just this time because he hadn’t done anything like that before. He replied “ok good, that was assholeish”. He texted me later that night & seemed fine. Then nothing from him Sunday or Monday. I texted him Tuesday morning & he replied right away. We chatted briefly & when I asked if he had plans Wednesday he stopped replying. I waited all day until after work & texted again to see if he wanted to do something. He replied back saying sorry he had been busy & said Yes Wednesday will work. We set a date. Then he texted me that night just to chat, he had his son & wanted to tell me how his son downloaded a song on his iPod & it was the song I had just introduced him to last week when we were together. Anyway, he ended up texting me a few hours before our date & said he had to get his son tonight because his ex had to work, so he apologized & asked for a raincheck. I again played it cool & said it was ok & to just let me know when he was free. He replied explaining how she just started a new shift working midnights so it throws his schedule off. I told him I understood & I’d just let him get ahold of me then & he said ok. Well no word Thursday & then he texted me Friday and just said hi, what are you doing tonight? I told him I was meeting up with friends. Then we just texted very briefly with him calling me a nerd & me calling him a weirdo. (it’s a name calling game we play) but now I’m sitting here on Sunday still no word. Should I try contacting him one more time? Is he just freaking out? Or should I be taking this as a sign he’s no longer interested? The last time we were together everything was as usual & he talked about getting together again. Any advice would help. Thanks.

Hi Eric,

So i have been talking to this guy for a couple weeks and he was so sweet he would messsage me in the morning and sometimes i would beat him too it. we would talk all day. anyways we finally went out on a date and he introduced me to his friends and we went dancing and had a bonfire. after we got back we cuddled on the couch and the whole date he kept saying how cute i was and he liked my personality. anyways yes i did spend the night and now when i text him it just seems like he isnt interested. He did say he would like to go out again. But now it just seems like if i text him its nothing. Am I reading this wrong or should I just come out and just ask him if im wasting my time.

If he “comes your way again” and it’s one hour every two weeks, it’s time to consider he went back to the ex or found someone else but doesn’t have the heart to tell you or he can’t decide who he wants, or he wants to see how far he can get with you. kick him to the curb if he’s not in hot pursuit after you’ve been giving him all this space. He shouldn’t be risking losing you to another man if he really liked you THAT MUCH.

Hi,
I’m looking for a little advice on my current relationship. My bf and I started out wonderful always communicating making time for each other. He told me his job gets heavy in the summer or when the weather gets nicer. (He works for his dad in the flooring business.) I was prepared for him to work longer hours and the occasional weekend, though he works pretty much every day 12-15 hour days right now. We also live an hour away from each other. He is so tired when he’s home he will text me always, possibly call or video chat (if he’s home early enough.) He also always messages me every morning like clockwork. And if he comes home during the day between jobs, he’ll text me. Which is wonderful I appreciate it all. He always ask how my day is, that he loves me, misses me, and thought about me all day, and tells me amazing and beautiful frequently. Though as wonderful as it is, it’s hard to survive on just that. I would like to spend time together, like a date day. We started out having 2 dates a month. With our schedules. Well now my schedule is pretty open and he’s constantly working…we will plan dates, but if a job comes up he will cancel. We have not seen each other in person in well over a month. It’s getting to me, because we are NOT long distance, though it seems that way. I feel that I’m unimportant or not a priority when he can’t even make time to choose a day for us to be together, when there is no worked planned in advance. And that he should choose a day and commit to that day. And tell his dad in advance. (Hey we don’t have a job this day, I’m making plans.) But he can’t or won’t, I’m not sure exactly. I have told him how I feel. He tells me I’m right. But does not make changes. I know he loves me. I love him very much. Though i must admit the lack of time together is really getting to me. If this is seasonal or temporary, I can most definitely handle it, if I know it’s not going to be like this forever. So any advice would be greatly appreciated and helpful. :)

Amen! You couldn’t have said it better. There’s a lot of contradiction, experimentation, and testing in the beginning stages. It is a game of sorts, whether subconconscious or deliberate. Chase and be chased, round and round it goes. You want to see how they will impress you but you also want to really get to know them. A complete contradiction. Don’t focus on your partner, remain focused on YOU. No one wants to be around someone uninteresting and who seems to be infatuated only about you. Shop around, get rid of the idea that there’s only “the One.” I am going to save this column to save myself the trouble of explaining this over and over again to my girl friends. This is a huge service. Well written! I look forward to reading more from your column! You deserve an award or something… Seriously! Thank you!!!

This is amazing. I frankly don’t understand why anyone would be so immature and not realize it as to do this, but this explains so much. I also don’t understand why anybody would have the patience to deal with such an insecure person, especially because these kinds of action are just rude, but i guess we do weird things when we are confused

Eric,
I need some help. I am a faithful follower of your “Ask A Guy”. I have been dating this guy for about 3 weeks. Our first date we met out and grabbed a couple of drinks. After that, he has just invited me over his house. We both decided to take things slow, and he decided that we should wait to sleep together. Well, on Saturday night he called me up at 1am to come over (note that we live within a mile from each other) to hang out because he missed me and we hadn’t seen each other in a week. I told him that anything after 10pm is a booty call, and he said that he wants more than just sex…he wants a girlfriend and a relationship eventually. So I bought into it and went over and spent the night. We made out again as usual, and ended up naked, but still did not have any kind of sex.

Fast forward to today…one of my male friends said that he is only using me, and any guy that calls that late at night and only wants to hang out at his house is just using me. I am a pretty girl, pretty smart, and have a great job. I am starting to like him and have feelings, but now I am nervous that he is after the wrong thing. I have believed everything he tells me because he has given me no reason to believe otherwise. I don’t know if I should talk to him about how I feel or just let it ride and ‘steer’ in the direction of actually going out on a date. I let him call me, text me, ask me out, but it is always the same thing.

I don’t want to mess things up, but I don’t want to be used. I want to feel valued and appreciated, and I am not interested in anything that is not moving toward a relationship eventually. I have been playing things cool…not acting needy or anything and I am enjoying myself. Just everytime we are together it is at his place making out. What should I do?

I’ve been seeing this guy for 5 months now. We have completely hit it off, to the point, last month we talked of moving in together. We pretty much are living together. He stays at my place all the time. Rarely at his place (lives in basement apartment of parents home, as he recently relocated from a different state). Fast forward to this week. We are to begin moving in this Saturday in ‘our’ new place. Two nights ago, he wanted to have a talk. Which we did. Which left me feeling like this move is not a good idea. He said he loves me more than anyone, that I complete him in so many ways that he wants to be with me always. Here’s where the shoe drops…. Within a few minutes of stating his love for me, he says his struggle is giving up his freedom (something he has really enjoyed). He doesn’t want to leave or break up our relationship but wanted me to know he has been recently feeling like he is suffocating, that he’s loosing his freedom, and that at brief times gets resentful of me, to the point he doesn’t want to be around me, or kiss me. He then says he feels guilty for feeling that way, cause he knows I have been nothing but wonderful, that its his own short comings. As of yesterday, he says he doesn’t want to leave, as I opted that option to him, as well as backing out of moving in together. I on the other hand have already gave my notice, and so will move forward moving in this weekend. I guess what I need answered is, do I need to end this relationship, or see where it goes? I do love him. I have never felt this type of love for anyone. It really does leave me heartbroken.

He didn’t respond I felt like a fool for caring but now I feel like I took control. A week and two days later I saw him he couldn’t stop staring at me but looked away suddenly. It all became clear he still had feeling for me and he was starting to miss me this and the fact that he I saw him sad a few weeks before that (in his car I saw him but he didn’t see me) was enough to show me this was it but I no longer care…he lost his chance and I’m pretty sure his aware of that now as instead of running up to him and asking him I walked past with my head held high. Treat them mean keep them keen

There comes a stage lady when you need to draw the line and just walk away. That’s the biggest lesson I have learnt. Why you ask because you need to keep you dignity and not be labelled as some clingy needy girl. I would say give it 3 weeks with no contact if you don’t hear from him BYE. But at time it depends on the situation with the guy who I was with it was combination of stuff happening in his life and freaking out. So I didn’t bother contacting until I found out there more I sent one text telling him I’m here as friend when his ready to talk so the ball is in his court now. It saying this I have decided not to bother anymore as i have received nothing back so i draw the line. Yeh maybe there is more but I need to think about myself and what’s best for me if he wants to make things right he knows how to find me. This means being strong so do whatever it takes to do so e.g. deleting his number, him as a fb friend, email, no happy birthday ect. This will show him that you have moved on because remember you gave him shot but he didn’t take it and you deserve someone better an if he truly wants you back watch him work harder than ever.

@Bretagne – I can empathise. That’s what happened to me. I broke it off and yes, he was just another ship passing in the night. I didn’t give him excuses, I gave valid reasons…i.e. he couldn’t make advance plans, didn’t seem to know what he wanted etc etc. He had nothing to say..no apology or excuses for his behaviour, which leads me to believe he was stringing me along the entire duration. All you can do in these situations is watch a man’s actions as they ultimately speak louder than words. Women always seem to be told we have to play it cool, go with the flow so as not to freak a guy out too soon. But when you do that you can still end up getting hurt anyway as some of them will just take advantage, string you along, play you and use you. Seems like you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t!! At the same time we’re repeatedely told to watch out for signs he’s just not that into us! Some women might like to hang around for months and even years waiting for a guy to make his mind up but I think after 2-3 months of seeing someone they should know if they want to progress things or not.

Hi Eric,
Great article. I had similar thing happen to me as the poster asking the question and can relate it exactly to your description of what guys do. What I want to know is how long you should give it? It’s very hard to play it cool when you like someone but feel they are blowing hot and cold. Also, if someone isn’t putting the effort in and you put up with that for x amount of months then isn’t that like giving them the relationship on their terms? It’s all very well playing it cool and giving the guy space for the first couple of months but doesn’t there come a point where you need to be upfront about what your needs and desires are and say goodbye if they are not being met? How can you tell if a guy needs space and time and is insecure as opposed to playing the woman along?

I am a big fan of your advice and think that this article is really spot on. It reminds me of the “rubber band theory” in Men are From Mars… Asking for advice here is probably a long shot, but I will give it a go:

I have been casually seeing a guy for a couple of months. The last time I saw him was about two weeks ago, and he has since then left and returned from a holiday trip to his hometown.

Everything seems to be going pretty well – he calls me baby, gorgeous, etc… It seemed like we were making progress. Last time I saw him, he called me the next day and asked to hang out, but I had to decline because I had so much work to do. We had tentative plans to hang out a few days later, but he was suddenly being very slow at responding to my texts (said he was busy at work) and I was very stressed out by excessive work so I had to cancel.

When I was done with work, I texted him (as he told me tell him as soon as I was finished) but I got no response. I texted him a couple of more times, eventually asking to make specific plan, and still got no response!

I thought he was blowing me off and trying to end things, although it seemed strange because he doesn’t seem like that type of guy. A couple of days later, he reached out to me on facebook… then I emailed him something light, and he emailed me back using a pet name and saying he was looking forward to seeing me when he got back. The next day he added me on chat…

I chatted him and we had a brief convo, but I am reluctant to make plans. I still don’t understand why he ignored my texts… I don’t know if he felt smothered or if he was upset about me canceling, which would be silly, or if it meant nothing at all! I don’t want to bug him too much by asking, especially if its not in person (if it comes up I might ask). That being said, I really want to see him, but I feel powerless – I feel like if I ask to see him or text him again, that would be desperate/needy.

What can I do? Do I have any choice but to wait? Part of me is very frustrated by how slowly this is progressing…

Just a word of caution. Why the pink background behind the questions and answers? I am a chick, so I love the color, but do you not realize how easy it is to knee-jerk and go to another Website with the same goggled information that is more easy to read? I will never be back to your Website. Why? Because it looks amateur, and the text it drowned in hot pink.

FYI…

Trina

Help! Please. So I met this guy online. Our first date was great, and he even texted me afterwards to tell me how pretty I looked. The following day he scheduled our second date. We met up for our second date and it was great. When he walked me to my car, he initiated the most amazing kiss, and said “i will definitely be in contact with you soon.” And he had me text him when I got home, and he responded that he was glad I was safe. Well the following day nothing. So today I just sent him a quick “good morning cutie” text and he responded. I asked if he had plans for lunch, and he said sorry, i do. So i said “Darn, i was hoping to share another kiss since i am not half asleep this time…haha :)”

I have no clue what to do. He sent me all the signals that he was very interested, but now he is playing it cool or acting different. Any advice? Would he kiss me that passionately if he wasn’t interested ? and would he respond to a text if he wasn’t interested?

I shared this with my girls that always ask me “why?” Very well put. I think a better fix is to just stay single ;)

invisible girl you sound like a total stalker so lets face it drop the twinkie move away from the computer and actually try going after real man because your obviously stalking someone online! stalker!!!

Thanks Chirpy and AB for your feedback. Glad to know I’m not alone.

I seriously think the problem is women and the fact that they will sit around and wait for a man to make up his mind whether or not she’s a “challenge”. I think if more women broke it off the second he started exploring his options and flaking out, men would shape up.

your advice really works….but of course advice from a really hot guy would ;)

It always seems like when women think (or are led to believe) that a ‘relationship is right around the corner’ that is when they are most likely to blow things up for themselves. Raised expectations and a neediness to connect are often the drivers. Women need higher self-esteem, boundaries and respect for themselves to avoid this happening. A clingy , needy or jealous woman is the ultimate turn-off for any man sizing up the potential of a new relationship. The young lady above went into ‘over-compensation’ mode at the hint of doubt (even over something trivial) and laid her feelings bare at an inappopriate time. I would say reclaim your sense of identity and stop obsessing over this guy as first priority! Then let him come to you, at his own pace and let it progress naturally without force. If it’s meant to be more than a passing flirtation, that’s how you should let it unfold. First and foremost: relax! The world (and your presumably young) life isn’t going to stop, just coz a guy doesn’t wanna hang out with you one weekend. He may be genuinely tired, so give the poor guy some breathing space, and if he wants to get in touch he will.

A man reached out to me soon after I joined an online dating website. We are both in our 40’s. We emailed and texted for over a week. We met and it was like we had known each other forever and we both commented to that effect. We were immediately comfortable around each other and making out was amazing! We had a lot in common, have children the same age, and we saw each other for 3 nights straight. He even cancelled plans to see me on the 3rd night and I didn’t ask him to. On the 4th night, we had sex. It was great, also. The next day, he completely withdrew. We had plans over the weekend and he cancelled them with me. He told me during our first few days together that he had been waiting for a woman like me, he could easily fall in love with me, he wanted me to meet his friends, he wanted to take me to meet his family (he is from Europe), and he seemed completely crazy about me texting me all day, etc… Then, he says he wants to “slow down” right after we sleep together. I reacted badly because I haven’t dated in over 20 years and don’t really understand the rules now. I feel like I am in my 40’s and sex shouldn’t be that big of a deal. I can’t help it, I hadn’t had sex in a year and I was very attracted to him. I was mad because it is rare that I don’t have my kids and they were going to be gone for the weekend and I was looking forward to plans with him. So, I let him know I was upset, but I found other things to do. I am sure I sounded “needy” to him. On Sunday, I see him on the dating website all day! So, I felt like I was “played” and I texted him telling him so. He texted and called me back and acted upset that I felt that way and he was mad. We don’t talk again for several days and I am heartbroken. A friend of mine tells me he is a “player” and she emails him acting like she met him on the dating website and tries to meet up with him. He responds and seems a little apprehensive, but he makes plans to meet her (a complete stranger!). Another friend of mine had contact with him the year before on a dating website, but they never ended up in a relationship, says she texted him to show me he is a “player”. He responds to her, also. She said she wants a “special” picture from him, so he sends her a picture of his penis!!! I was really upset and felt really used and “played”. Another friend of mine is ticked off and puts a nasty comment with his name on the website “Dontdatehimgirl.com” without me knowing. He calls me the next day and is upset and wants me to take “my” post down. I look it up and I am horrified. I apologized to him, told him I didn’t do it, and said I would take care of it. I spent the next 4 days trying to figure out who put the post up so I can get it taken down. No one would admit it and all of my friends say he deserves it and I am stupid for trying to help him get it removed. I didn’t feel it was write to “out” anyone publicly like that since it showed up under a Google search of his name and he has kids! v So, I write and write to the website telling them I was impersonated and I wanted the post taken down. After 5 days, it was taken down and he said “thank you”. I then asked him for a reason why he withdrew from me, but he would not answer and said “I really wish you the best”. He was really sweet and a gentleman when he was with me and his feelings seemed very real for me. However, his behavior with other women was quite different. He told me he didn’t lie to me and that he didn’t want to have sex that soon and I “pushed too hard”. He sure didn’t act like he was being “pushed” into sex and he doesn’t seem to have problems with other women and sex and sending pics of his “junk”. I get an email on Facebook yesterday from some girl he has met on the dating website telling me he told her everything and that I should apologize to him. I don’t owe him an apology for anything! The only thing I ever did was get angry with him for breaking plans with me and asked him to explain himself to me. I can’t help that my friends harrassed him. I blocked her and didn’t answer her email. I texted him and told him to “not use me to make himself look more appealing to someone else” and to ask this girl not to contact me. He responded, “I’ll tell her and I’m sorry. Take care”. Why is he talking to some new girl about me? I can’t help but feel like I messed up a real connection with someone on one hand, but on the other hand, I feel like maybe he might be a really awful person. I am so confused by his behavior. I can’t stop thinking about him, though, and I am not interested in dating anyone else. A psychic I trust and is NEVER wrong told me he did not have good intentions when he met me, but he was surprised that he had “real” feelings for me and it scared him, but he would be back in a few months. He said we were meant to be together for the rest of this life. I haven’t seen him for almost 3 weeks and we don’t run in the same circles, so I doubt I would ever just “run into” him somewhere. I am not going to contact him and I feel like he probably won’t contact me again. I said some pretty mean things to him out of anger, but he deserved it. I also told him I was completely disgusted that he would send pics of himself like that to women and I told him his penis was “nothing to brag about” which I am sure hurt his ego. If he would have talked to me the way talked to these other women and sent me pics like that, I would have ran away! If he does contact me, I won’t know what to do, honestly. This whole thing is so “messed up”!! What do you think?

Great article but maybe too late for me. OK so my guy was going through a freak out phase. See he freaked out on me once and broke it off because he didn’t want a relationship. Then I panicked and told him how much it hurt and that I’m fine with not having a relationship. Big mistake! He called me a few hours later and apologized. I accepted it but I think it made me look weak. Then I felt like he took advantage of my weakness and started contacting me less and less. Each time with an excuse and apology. I was getting more and more miserable because I didn’t believe his excuses. He said he’s busy with work, family, friends, etc. Until today I couldn’t take it and told him I don’t want to hear excuses anymore. He said there’s nothing he could do about me not believing him. He didn’t offer to talk it out or anything. I figure it’s a bad start to a relationship and I cant handle this stress. So I said I’m done. He acted shocked like “wow, ok then.” Seems to me that if he cared he would make the attempt to call and talk. Since we didn’t have a relationship, should I have just waited for him to spring back? If the possibility was left open, I couldn’t move on and I was feeling like crap. I still hope he calls and talks it out with me. I’m not backing out of my decision but just for future reference. We had a good thing going but this break up was my way of showing him that I’m not his doormat. Do you think I did the right thing?

Hi,
I just really wanted to thank you for this great post. I found myself in this exact situation over the last few weeks and now could recognise what this guy was doing: a textbook ‘freak-out’ after 2 months of him being attentive and sweet. So I gave him one last chance, gave him a call and made plans. Then he flaked and canceled last-minute claiming to be busy/hungover etc.. So for my own closure, I sent him a text along the lines of: okay, I get it, good luck with work, get well soon.
And subsequently deleted his number to stop any future neediness when I’m feeling lonely.

It just made me feel so much stronger to take over the situation instead of waiting and worrying. So again: thank you!

Hi Eric,

Enjoyed reading your site, by the way!
I experienced “the freak out” with this guy I was dating about 5mos ago. We had dated for a month, he pulled away with no response all of a sudden, but sent me a text 10 days later telling me he was out of town (he travels a lot for work). I responded, but acted like nothing was wrong and didn’t ask any questions. I texted him one night a few days later, asking if he had made it back in town yet, which he responded 48hrs later that he had. After that, I told myself I was done and that he clearly wasn’t interested in me anymore.

3 weeks later, he texts me one night asking how I’ve been and that he’d been out of town again for awhile. I responded, acted like nothing was wrong but casually asked “so what’s up with the text, since you’ve been MIA for awhile?” He responded that due to being out of town for work, his MIA was valid, that’s he’s been thinking about me & what a good time he had with me.
I told him I understood his out of town for business obviously, but he checked out on me a month ago and didn’t bother responding to me. I told him i thought we were having a good time together & he should’ve told me if he felt differently.His response was that he’d been helping his family in any spare time that he’s had in between and that he WAS having a good time with me.
At that point, I didn’t respond. I was too angry & felt that was a lame excuse because he could easily have sent me a message letting me know. I had really started to care for this guy before he disappeared. So, thats where it was left- unresolved.

This was 5mos ago. I’ve thought about him every day and wonder if I should’ve given him another chance, but he hurt me terribly and I felt I should stand my ground. I haven’t heard from him anymore, which lead me to believe that maybe I did the right thing. I’ve always been told if a man really wants you, he’ll come after you no matter what.

My question is, should I contact him after all this time, just to say I hope you are doing well? I don’t expect a response, but have my doubts if I should bother at all.
At this point, i kind of want him to know i miss him- but don’t want to put that out there so i can get hurt again.

What do you think? Is that a wise move or no?
Thanks!!

This weblog appears to recieve a great deal of visitors. How do you advertise it? It offers a nice individual spin on things. I guess having something authentic or substantial to post about is the most important thing.

i’ve been dating this guy for a few weeks now,which isn’nt very long but i really like him alot.In the beginning he would tell me how beautiful i was,how he really liked me and wanted me to be his girl.I would receive text messages from him all day telling me how he missed me and could’nt wait to see me again,and he would even come to see me on his breaks from work.Well in the last three or four days he has started to withdrawl the conversations are not the same he will just quietly sit on the phone,no more text messages sayin sweet things ,it just seems as somethin has changed.And tonight he was suppose to have came over for dinner he called me said he would be here in a hour,no show than called an hour later telling me that he was at his grandmas and he had to stay with her because she was upset about his grandpas death and today was his birthday.He basically said that he cant make it and that we can spend the weekend together,i was really upset but tried to compose myself and just responded with okay”.Im trying to avoid being a doormat but i also dont wanna freak out on him , i keep busy and let him contact me ,i’m just totally lost on what to do or say when and if he calls me again.These situations always seem to happen to me and i think he may think that i am a doormat ,PLEASE HELP!!

This is genius. One of the most insightful things I’ve read in a long time.

Hi, i was wondering why my boy friend of five years wont tell me how he feels about me? ive asked him why but he tells me he will never tell me his feelings. i dont understand ! he knows i love him and i tell him all the time.i really need to hear this from him .is it wrong to want to hear these words from him?? thanks a lot!!

I’ve been seeing this guy for about 3 months. His brother is my best friend and I’m close to his parents. We had a bit of an argument coz he stood me up and I text him telling him how much I care but that I’m not making the effort anymore when I give everything but get nothing back. 2 weeks later he text me saying sorry, and that he cares about me and wants to make a go of things. Couple of weeks later I saw him and everything was perfect but he hadn’t asked me out. Day after I text him asking what he was waiting for and he said he really likes me but isn’t ready for a relationship yet. He’s just come out of a long term relationship and has a son to think of. I panicked and text him babbling on asking am I waiting for something or nothing. He said he didn’t know and not to wait coz it’s not fair on me. Last thing he said to me was to stop going crazy and that ‘we’re cool’. I’ve deffo been too needy and now he isn’t replying to my texts. The last text I sent was apologising for freaking out and that if he doesn’t wanna see me like that anymore I understand, I’d just rather know straight. Should I text him again like last time, saying I understand he has other priorities but that I’m not making the effort when I get nothing back, or should I leave him completely? I can’t bare the thought of him never talking to me again, do you think he will? What’s the best thing to do now that my neediness has gone too far? :(

Thank you for the response,but how long do I give him on his freakout phase before I can call it quits and move on?

Dear Debra,

You know what you need more than a man? Some SELF-ESTEEM!!! You are clearly a troubled lass who thinks she needs a man in order to be whole, complete and sane. Wrong, it starts with you, within you. No man wants an unstable woman. Where are your female friends? Do you have many? It might be time to take a few deep breaths and register your insecurities and why they are in such abundance. We, as women, don’t deserve men’s crumbs, we are better than that, and better off alone as opposed to accepting a man’s crumbs or living out his ‘head-messing’.

Here’s my situation and totally up for any advice please. Just met this guy probably 3 weeks ago. We had our first date, went wonderfully. We felt one another on so many different levels. He kept seeming insecure like oh you think I’m cool, well I think you’re a rad chick. Saying he really liked me. Well probably about 2-3 weeks before that we talked on the phone almost every night for ~2 -3 hours each night. He always texted me first, called me. Then we met went out on a date. So by then we had a pretty good idea of what each other represented. The first date was great like I said. I got all the signs he really digged me and wasn’t looking for a hookup. He said since he liked me so much this could really turn into something cool. He’s shared me with his family and friends. Went on a family reunion, we continued to talk and text. Saw each other again a second time. This time he stayed over for 2 nights. Again he said lots of sweet stuff, paying for this and that like when we went out to eat. Saying he would never hurt me, that he really likes me and my values. Saying things that make me think this could turn into a relationship and something more. Since he has asked what are my thoughts on moving if this turns into something awesome down the road. He’s talked about getting a job closer to where I live. Calling me his girl, and over the phone stating to his uncle that he was hanging with his girl friend. He’s so amazed that I’m calm, collected, nice, no drama…..girl. But recently his texting has died down a lot. I asked for him to let me know when he got back home (2 hours away) he never told me if he made it back ok. Before he left he was like you gotta call me tonight, which I did but it was quick things are good get some sleep talk to you later. So I think he may be in this stage of freaking out but it doesn’t make sense because of all the things he says and how he talks about the future.

So when he called me his girlfriend on the phone I was being nerdy and on facebook put that I was in a relationship with him (its still pending his approval) I feel like I should have let him do this first, but all the signs leading on made me do it since I don’t want to be available to anyone else. My question now is how do I reverse that and make him want me more? Do I not text or call him? If he texts or calls me should I wait to answer back or not pick up the phone? Like I texted him this morning just got a text 5 hours later saying he was sorry sleeping…..she I text back or just let it go? I really think he likes me but perhaps he is in this freak out stage, so how and what do I do to make him want me more.

Oh and supposedly in two weeks (since he works two weeks, one week off) we are going to get together as he says. Thank you so much for your help, after reading your article I have done some mistakes, like taking things the wrong way, no call or no text being a bad sign when it isn’t. So thanks for the help!

Thank You Eric!
This has been so helpfull. I am dating a guy in the freak out stage and while I would love to text him and tell him every crazy thought going through my head right now I know I’d only lose him. I have been able to stay strong this week and play it cool and when I feel weak I reread this advice and breath!! Lol I will not have a crazy woman moment with this man! However, what’s the cut off on giving him space? When will I know that he’s just stringing me along or not? Thank you soo much my dating guru!!

The other common scenario for a man sudden disappearance or apathy is meeting another woman and being distracted by her. He suddenly feels apathy for you because he can only focus on one thing at the same time. If this be the case, it will go one of two ways, either the other woman will totally enrapture him and you won’t hear from him again, or it won’t work out with her and suddenly you will get a ‘hi, how are you?’ type text when he’s back on the market. From my experience, this shows a lack of focus, integrity, not to mention maturity, and I would give this sort of man a wide berth. Either way, you have made enough contact for now. The ball has been in his court for more than long enough, and he’s chosen not to hit it back.

I recently have been going through a similar situation. I met a wonderful man online 2 months ago – he was consistently pursuing up till about 1 week ago. Prior to he was on a trip overseas and was emailing me every 2-3 days about his adventures. UPon coming home, we made a date where he cooked me dinner and gave me a wonderful gift from his travels. We had a lovely night and I thought nothing more of it and was looking forward to seeing him again. Since that night, he has not contacted me his usual way. Prior to he would contact me the beginning of each week to set up a date. This past week he did not, nor did he make his regular contact via email or text.
So today, I made a phone call and left a voicemail. Perhaps I should have waited, but I am known for my impatience and blunt nature.
I was kind and straight to the point. I asked how he was doing and that I had been looking forward to meeting up with him but he had not responded to my text messages (I had texted earlier in the week to see a movie or go out and when he was free however, he replied that we wanted to go with me but did not tell me when he was free ). I asked if everything was okay and if everything was, that if he was no longer interested that I’d appreciate he tell me.
I know that perhaps that is not a traditional route…but I don’t play games and if something seems wrong I’m very direct. I have not heard from him yet…
Suggestions? Thoughts?

I must admit I entered this site with a fair degree of skepticism based on one preconceived bias alone: that it was written by a man! ;) lol

But man, Eric, your columns are honestly bang on the best advice for women I’ve EVER read! Articulate, easy to read, and just full of common-sense into the psyche of a man. Dating and going out with a man is like one big game, because the things that we as women are required to do seem to go ‘against the grain’ of our natural womanly, biological instincts to verbally communicate, connect and give love freely. It is almost as though these tactics (and those submitted by most dating columnists) to win the affections of a man require us to stem the flow of our emotions and show restraint under the most impossible of circumstances. Not an easy task by any means – but less so for a woman! Dating the man you want takes a lot of energy playing these games, particularly because they all seem to be catered to the whim of the man, NOT the needs of the woman. That’s the bit that seems so unfair. I think the problem today lies with the abundance/scarcity ratio of available eligible men to women. Women seem to be all after the same small pool of eligible bachelors, whilst these men can pretty much have their pick of a whole smorgasboard of delightful ‘dishes’. I honestly think these dating tactics that revolve around men have occurred due to the general scarcity of eligible bachelors for all the single, man-hungry women out there! Well at the end of the day, a sought after man will choose his very best option available to him. Enough said. A mixture of attraction and emotional/sexual chemistry. This is really only something he can define. No amount of dating ‘tactics’ is going to help if he doesn’t feel it for you in all those senses. And let’s face it, we know the signs when somebody is ‘into’ us, we just know. Women love to make excuses though, sadly, when men are not so into them. They try to rationalise, analyse and excuse the behaviour to the point that it drives them insane. It’s not worth the energy girls, take the energy and focus it on you, until somebody that really IS ‘into you’ comes along into your life and does all the right things. He will more than likely still steer the ship, but it will be going in the right direction, he won’t be afraid of careening into deeper waters, and he won’t be giving you that massive headache that all the others seem to. That is why ‘he’s just not that into you’ is seriously the best book out there for women to read.

Kudos to this brilliant column of yours, Eric Charles, and please, keep up the good work :)

A.

I have been with mny boy friend for 2 years, we don’t live together, and I used to go down there all the time he lives about an hour away. I don’t go as much as I used to but I have noticed changes. He never wants to talk to me anymore, I don’t hear from him sometimes for days, and he will say he will call me back and never does. He used to call me back al lthe time, and before i went to bed to say good night he used to always tell me he loved me, and missed me and wanted me. Once in awhile he still says i love you. I tell him he is hurting me and he asks what he needs to do to fix it, but he never does it. We talked the other day and he told me he is only concerned about his dream (music) right now, and if I want to be with him I will do what he asks, but he is not willing to do what it takes to make me happy. I will admitt I can be needy, and i have mood swings, and I over react, but it’s because he does not ever do what he says. I ask him if he doesn’t want to be with just to tell me instead of dragging it on and causing more pain. he says he wants to be with me but needs a break. What does this mean. I am really hurting right now and need some advice. Does he not want me and if not why won’t he just tell me. My kids are very attached to him, and i told him in the beginning if he does not want a serious relationship i dont want to get involved because i have kids. I don’t understand what is going on. Than when I go to his house he tells me how much he loves me and wants to be with me but as soon as i leave with in a week he is back to his ways. What does this mean and what should I do. And I don;t think he is cheating because I know all his friends, and family, and his brother would tell me, but do you think he is cheating?

Thank you Eric, actually just reading that made me feel a little better and let things go mentally. I put the cell phone in a different room so I wont look at it to see if he has txt or called. I am focused on getting things done and having fun with my friends. He never specifially asked me for space but his actions sure have telegraphed it so I am doing my best to honor it! Thank you for your ear. One more question, do you ignore holidays when you are in the midst of this kind of thing? No “Happy Father’s Day” txt or whatever hoilday is happening? Kind of feels mean but maybe it is the right thing?

This guy that I’ve gotten deeply involved with is leaving to travel for a year (cross country on a motorcycle) this coming week. We’ve had an incredible time the past few months and my feelings have gotten really strong. He says that he really cares about me a lot and will always be there for me – he said this as he made me turn around to face him, looked me directly in the eye w/the most intense eye contact I’ve ever experienced and told me this. The past couple of weeks, he’s been acting kind of distant though.

First off – we’re kind of long distance right now (3 hours away) but we visit each other often. We’re NOT in a relationship and I know going into this he couldn’t commit or have anything serious. When we’re together, everything’s great. When we’re not together, (in the beginning), things were still great – he’d text me a lot (2 to 3 times a day), enthusiastic texts w/smileys and I’d never wonder where I stood with him. But now when we’re not together, he seems very distant and not as enthusiastic with his texts. He’ll still text me (not as much) and will still reply to my texts.

My question is – since he’s being so distant recently, why is it? Is his head just in a different place so much with this upcoming trip that he doesn’t even realize it? Could he be distancing himself from me since he is leaving? Or distancing himself to spare my feelings? Or do guys try to spare their own feelings by distancing themselves as well?

we have been dating for about 3 months now, it was all so good ,we promised to be together for life,we plannned on our lifestyle ,how to make money ,our home and were sharing alot .
we opened up hetold me he loved me ,we made vows to be friends for life.he even asked if i will bear him children.then after sometime he just starts withdrawing,he claims he loves me,but he is busy trying to make ends meet.he rarely calls,he doesnt do the things he used to do ,we dont see eachother!!!!so what should i conclude? i desparately need help

Reading it from that perspective, it makes complete sense. I have proven the “give him room to breathe, play it cool and live your life” to be the best advice. Really gals, don’t waste emotional energy thinking what might be going wrong with the guy, just keep yourself occupied with other things/people/activities in your life and you’ll see him cone back to you at his own time.

So, what if you’re in a relationship with a guy, and then after about 6 months you tell him you love him (because he gave you all the signs he felt the same way) and his response is to completely freak out, withdraw, and a week or so later say “its all too much too fast” and he breaks up with you. Is there any hope of him coming back??

Thankyou, i think i over did it with the current boyfriend, but ill try this thing out with the next one. :)

I love this article! Very good advice, thanks for helping me understand guy perspective! Love these articles..
But really guys, just tell us what you’re thinking, don’t make us guess, that can cause things to get ruined for no reason! I for one hate playing games. You like me or you don’t.. just tell me the truth. Doesn’t mean I’m going to smother you..and if I do, then by all means call it quits! And I agree with Bethany… how long does this stage have to last..definitely takes a toll on our self-esteem.. :( And they say girls are confusing..geez..

Eric, I am intruiged and at the same time confused. I understand what you’re saying- basically that women get freaked out and freak out the men that they are dating when they think they’re boyfriend/girlfriend when they are really only in the dating stage. So keep busy, live life and….and what? This is where I have the disconnect. How long does this continue before we/I really lose all self esteem we have by playing it cool with someone? I mean it this way…I am a busy girl. I have alot of things going on in my life, and I am really quite active and occupied, but I want to make time for him. It makes me feel good to see him- and have him as part of my life. I want him to want me as part of his life. OR at least start thinking in terms of US instead of him….So when DOES this actually occur when things move from the don’t freak out stage? Isn’t it just very possible that this guy just isn’t into me and I am wasting my time? When DO I get to feel and express it?

I really would appreciate your response beacause you’re not addressing the whole story and I think people are looking for that answer.

This was a great read and EXACTLY what is going on with the guy I am dating right now.
My only concern is where is the line between “freaking out” and being walked on?

He was suppose to meet up with me and my friends the other night and kept in touch throughout the night, but then just didn’t show and also forgot plans a previous night.

I don’t like when people do this in general…nevermind a potential “mate”. So am I suppose to let this go or let him know it bothers me? Cause it does bother me (and that is me being me) and so I let him know that that isn’t cool. Mind you, I didn’t go crazy on him, just let him know that I HATE when people “disappear” like that.

Thoughts?

What does it mean if a guy that tells you he likes you and wants a relationship with you, always bails when you make plans to hang out? I have had a thing with this guy for about two months by now and we will always make plans to hang out together but at the last second, he will bail. It has happened way to many times. We haven’t even hug out once yet. We only hang out at school. Whenever we make plans, I’ll ask him “so were hanging out for sure right?” and his response is always yes. Then it doesn’t happen. Whenever he does this, it seems like he ends up going longboarding. (he goes literally everyday). I think that’s a reason. I feel like he thinks if we have a relationship he’ll have to give it up. But he won’t. And I haven’t said anything about it to him.
Help please!

Eric, I loved this article and what you had to maturely say. I am going thru the same thing exactly like this. I had met a guy over month 1/2 ago spending almost everyday together and he pursued me as far as calling and txt’ing. He had a lot of personal issues going on at the time and he didn’t feel very equal in the financial relationship (me making more then he). He started pulling away the past couple of weeks and being distant, but again still talking everyday. I decided to make a hard decision for my own sanity and pull away and break it off. I could tell he really didn’t want to do that, but I felt it wasn’t fair to me to wonder and wonder what the heck was going on. He told me 1st on the phone that he was scared to tell me but he said he was in love with me, and when the conversation as over he said I love you! He said he needed space to get things more sorted out in his life and that he needs to figure things out. I can’t hope to see him again as it’s already too painful, but I was wondering from what you have read of my posting if you feel like he just freaked out that things were going to fast, or if it’s because of his situation. I would appreciate any feedback! Thanks

I am seriously in this situation right now. Things were going great and then all of a sudden he “freaked out.” We were hanging out all the time…more than I’ve hung out with any other guy I’ve dated and it was only a month and a half into it. I leave for med-school in a week and even though it’s only 6 hours away, I think he freaked out that we were too attached. Thanks so much for this article…now I can understand why he freaked out.

This is such an insightful website!

Eric, I live in DC and the man in question lives in Atlanta. We were introduced by his best friend and talked on the phone for about 3 weeks and we really had a cosmic connection! He flew down July 4th weekend to see me and we had the most marvelous time of our lives. He paid for everything and was my “soul mate”.He continued to call me everyday, chat with me, text and IM for the next two weeks until he vanished for 4 days. I was very upset and responded with what i now know as “needy” behavior. Anyway the next three weeks were pretty much the same including canceling on my trip to Atlanta at the last minute which was very frustrating! I lost my cool because i felt disrespected! Anyway, after much of this distant act he informed me that he cant do “us” right now because he has drama in his life to sort out and needs some space… but will like to keep things “open” between us!! He would not tell me what the drama was and i suspected its an excuse! I didn’t contact him for 2 weeks but finally broke down and sent him an email asking him why he cant tell me what drama he was facing because i want to help him and i got a bit harsh with him. He sent me an email explaining that he needs to take care of the drama himself and wants me to know it has nothing to do with and that i am everything he has ever wanted and i need to stop making things difficult. He said he will like to stay friends and keep communications lines open between us but if i don’t its understandable. I replied his email with a very short apology and asked him to call whenever he is ready to talk. It has been 1 1/2 weeks since the email which he did not reply and i have “moved on”. I hit the gym, going on dates and have accepted he dosen’t like me for whatever reason. NOW…. I get a Facebook message from him sharing an article with me. This was something we did all the time at the beginning send each other interesting articles on politics to analyse so its his way of making contact with me. DO I RESPOND TO THIS MESSAGE? He sent it yesterday and i have not written back or anything! What should i do? Test him and see if he writes again or just reply briefly saying something like “cool’? HELP! I know he likes me…… and i know i gave it up too easily and now i need to make him work for me but… how do i do this without making it seem like i don’t want him?

I am in the ame position I think. I had reconnected with a guy I went to college with (we were only friends then) he lives in the USA now and I am in England. he was hom to see his family and contacted me. We he odd went for a drink really hit it off again and I saw him nearly everyday of his 2 week trip. He seemed surprised at how comfortable he ws able to feel with me and it was all very easy and natural. he went back to the States and called me 4 or 5 times a week for long conversations, as well as texts saying he missed me etc. We have a very similar sense of humour and can both be quite sarcastic. That went on for 4 months and then he came back full time to England. Since then he has been quite lazy on the contact front. he had a friend staying for the 1st weekend he came back but text me each night to try to persuade me to meet them for a drink. He brought his friend to my flat for a drink and everyhting was great. After that all I got was a text saying it was great last night and I miss you , then it has been up to me. Casually text the last couple of days just a hi how are you etc. Decided to bring things to a head and ask if he wanted to meet up, he replied of course! Then I had to suggest which day etc. Anyway we are meeting up on Saturday. I felt we had a real connection including shared history. If I am just something to fill in bored moments why spend 4 months cultivating a relationship with me?? I am glad I found this site because I may have asled him why he seems different but now I won’t! Thanks so much for your wise words!

“But I would say that when it comes to relationships, it behooves us to BE great and not just try to appear like we are.”

Oh now that is just brilliant advice!!! Truly.

So, how many freak out phases is he allowed to have?

I’ve done exactly this. I just dont know when to draw the line and say okay I’m tired of being an option and not a priority. I live my life and go about it I tell him I’m busy sometimes to make myself a challange. But, we will hang out then he will disappear for a few days and I won’t hear from him. When he starts texting me again… do I respond back? My frinds told me to ignore him for like a week. But, I feel like that is being cold.

Hi, Okay this is a long story so buckle your seatbelt! I have been seeing this guy for 3 years and we started off right after I got out of a really bad relationship so we agreed that it would be casual. I have no idea what he was doing before he met me but I am a very open hearted loving person who loves really hard and I try to make things work whatever the situation where as he is a nonchalant person who is not very loving at all but anyhow I started to catch feelings and eventually fell in love with this man. I got pregnant and he didnt want any kids so I aborted it for him, I mean I would do anything to keep him from being mad at me. i know it’s sad but that’s just me. Now over the period of 3 years we would fight argue and he would end it and tell me to go on with my life and I would literally beg him not to leave but he is the stubbornest person i know and he left and I had no choice to let it go but he would always be the one to call like nothing ever happend and tell me he is coming over and we would start back over fresh. And then ofcourse he would do something else to tick me off it’s usually things like not responding to my texts or i will call him and he will say things like I will call you back but never do it but then he pops up at my house at any given time and if he cant reach me, all hell breaks loose and he won’t talk to me for weeks at a time but God forbid he does it to me, i call him out on it and he will break it off again for things he does. This guy is so friggin confusing to me, but I love him I know that he has feelings for me but he will not show them or tell me, why is that? And why does he continue to break off our thing every so often when things are getting good. Like right now this time he had started spending every weekend with me and everything was good and then BOOM just like that he stops answering my texts and calls telling me he is tired of me accusing him of doing things he is not and then the banger he is 30 years old now and i keep saying all of these harsh things to him and he is tired of playing kid games he cant do it anymore when he is the one who start avoiding me! This is soooo crazy I could go on and on but I don’t want to take up time but I don’t want him to go again I have been texting him cussing him out and then I text and left voicemails pouring my heart out to him and he still won’t respond, what do I need to do that is my heart and I don’t want to lose him?

this is a great website and learn a lot from here. thank you.
i’m so naive in this kind of matter, though am middle-aged woman. haha.

oh, just learnt this freak-out phase and seems i’ve made the mistake which similar to push the buy by texting: “didn’t hear from the guy who said miss me for a week”. he replied but just a smiley face with unmeaningful words.
what should i do now? should i just keep quiet and wait? will him lose his interest in me?
(ar… i should find thie web earlier to avoid all mistakes that have done…)

thanks. :-)

Hello Lora, from reading what you wrote, it appears as though you like this guy a lot, but I am not sure you are being honest with yourself with what you want from him. Meaning,you said you started looking for places to live together, but you said you can understand why he would want to date other women. It has been six months in, if he is still interested in seeing other people, keep in mind that there may be something with the dynamic between you two that is keeping him searching or maybe he is just plain out not interested in being with one person. Have you ever discussed that with him? All of the minimizing calls, acting lighthearted – are those your genuine feelings or what you think you should do to keep things going. Throughout any circumstance it is imperative to be tru to yourself and make requirements for people to treat you in the fashion you wish and deserve to be treated, if this deep down is you accomodating more to please him than you truly getting your needs met, you need to evaluate if it’s right for You. If you are ok with settling for his company, while being ok with whatever else he does (with or without you), just paly it cool tommorrow, have a good time and live in the moment when you see him-keep reminding yourself to enjoy the moment. But if all of the lightheartedness is a ploy for a means to an end, you are only short changing yourself and deserve to be in a situation where the communication and expectations are natural and free flowing and not feigned. You owe that to yourself.

It has , because i beileve a man should always be given his space. However it is a bit ridiculous when he doesn’t get back to you for age, but by then as the person i am ; have learnt to fold it and move on !! People need to enjoy life :) !!

I must say , Eric is one of the few real men that has made any sense about other men !!

Keep this up and more importantly , well done !!

i live in the uk and i have to say that this is the best web site i have found that deals with things in a way that makes absolute complete sense, straight forward and clearly from a man who knows what he is talking about…its great

I’m still trying to figure out my ex!!! We were together best part of 5 years and lived togther for 2,everything was great until we moved in…then things started to go downhill. I admit maybe we moved in a little too soon but i repeatedly asked him if he was ready and he was just as excited as i was. Anyway to cut a very long story short the ass wipe left me one Sunday morning to go back to his mums saying he didn’t know what he wanted and that he felt lost!!!(BULLXXXT)…I had to sell my gorgeous flat and move back with my parents whilst he was still trying to figure himself out(by sleeping with a whole host of other girls)TWAT!!! Anyway it’s been 3 years and he is still contacting me,i don’t know what to do,he is messing with my head so much that i can’t move on..i forget about him and start to feel happy then BANG!! he txt’s..never calls might i mention! What the hell is going on?Is it me that’s causing this???HELP!!!!x

I’ve learned that consistency + familiarity = commitment. This is why I think this guy is doing what I call the “bait and switch”. He starts calling more randomly, tries to see you on short notice, acts distant, etc. I agree with Eric that it’s also a way of him trying to see how much you care. If he takes a step back and you follow, he’ll do it even more to see how far you’ll follow. Then, you’re letting him have control of where the relationship is going. You have to be equals in a relationship and if he likes you, he’ll put in as much as you do….and you should only put in as much as he does. But if he takes a step back and acts distant, take a step back yourself….and make yourself busy by keeping up your routine. Don’t wait by the phone and cancel all your plans to make yourself available to him. And if you’re busy? You’ll hardly notice that he hasn’t called and he’ll pick up on that. He’ll start to wonder if you’ve missed him and if you don’t have an attitude about it (and why should you? You’re busy, he’s busy…so who cares?). If he cares for you, he’ll stop running and come looking for you because he no longer feels like his freedom is being threatened. Everything you chase in life runs away so let him pursue you. If he goes MIA, let him and don’t call him, don’t go looking for him. When he’s ready, he’ll come looking for you.

Question: Can the “freak out phase” happen when you’ve been together a year and a half or so as opposed to in the beginning of a relationship?

After we moved in he started to withdraw and then, yes, i would ask over and over wtf was going on, so i was hurt and “freaked out” too i guess. Didn’t expect to move in with someone to have that happen. Why’d he bother then? Plus we were so in love and then it was like all of a sudden he withdrew. He also appeared to get paranoid or something, sometimes saying things that didn’t make sense. So this eventually lead to him breaking it off, which it seemed he was kinda struggling with letting me go and then he finally did just end it. I’ll admit the relationship became strained cuz of this, with 5 months of “what’s going on here” it would, but before he withdrew though, we didn’t have any problem like that. Things were cool. No big heavy discussions or whatever. To me it was like a bump in the road and let’s fix it (i was commited, i didn’t take the move in step to not put in effort) but it felt like no cooperation on the other end.

During this break up, which has been 4 months long now, 3 months of it has been where it’s like he just snapped and he’s done things like spend his money carelessly, flirted around, slept with someone once- just came across acting very selfish and didn’t seem to care about anything or anyone, including himself. What could I say? He was technically single but his behaviours looked to me like the kind of things one does to avoid or distract. And of course it hurt. Still does. I can’t figure out why I seemed to have been devalued so much.

He’s been asked apparently by people why he would break up with me. He maintains that he’s happiest alone where he’s not responsible for anything with a relationship or what it entails basically and he wants to always be alone… Never get in a relationship again, all that jazz. He says i am so special and has never loved anyone like me before but can’t help how he feels this way. (I should mention that this guy went through a really bad break up with someone he was with for a while and married to a very short time but this was probably like 8yrs ago. Got burned bad. Maybe it’s a factor? Since then, for the whole time until now he’s only played the field basically. Seeing different people and that’s really it, nothing serious. I am the first girl since that time he’s gotten real serious with. To him i was “the one” it seemed. He didn’t live with anyone or no lengthly commitment between the bad break up and me etc.)

We still live together cuz i’m waiting for financial reasons (and yes that’s the truth, not an excuse to stay and no, believe it or not, i have nowhere else to go-i tried. He has a place he could go until i move but he won’t go, he wants to live here but is gone a lot) so that’s been a challenge in itself in this situation but i kinda find that if he thinks i am shifting into “move on mode” he seems more attentive/more communication or if he thinks i think he doesn’t love me or care or ever did or whatever, he has to contest it. It’s like it bothers him if i think that.

That spark and love is still there but only if he opens up. Most of the time he keeps himself at distance and won’t go there. I know he knows it’s there and he’s purposely closing it off. Very seldom has there been moments where he opens the door slightly, but it’s happened and the feelings flood back, but then it shuts soon after.

So then really recently he has been kinda treating me like we’re together. There’s a bit of a distance he keeps but there’s the kisses, holding hands, affection, calling me babe and hunny, letting me know where he is, acting this way with me in front of his parents, inviting me to be with him often, calls me on his lunch, a couple times of questions that hinted he was jealous a bit etc… However, the distance is that i can feel he’s not giving himself completely. If he were to be asked he’d say we’re not together. I believe he just told someone that. Why wouldn’t he even just say we’re not back but just seeing each other right now… Something? That concerns me. That’s when i wonder, is he testing the waters or using me cuz it’s comfortable or for whatever reason? Of course, as i said, this is all really recent that this has taken place so maybe he’s still hesitant to jump into any form of commitment status but i don’t want to be playing house at his convenience, where he plays the “single” card when it suits him. That’s really my concern mostly. I don’t need a label per se, i just don’t want to be playing around. He knows that i’m not interested in that sort of thing. Plus if around friends or family he’s acting this certain way, which he has been, i find it embarrassing for him to turn around and say there’s nothing between us. I just look like some desperate pushover or something. I haven’t been a pushover during this break up. I’ve lived my life, gone out, been on a couple friendly dates and stuff, stood my ground but i haven’t slept with anyone or anything for that matter. I am so not ready. But with this recent behaviour of his, i’ve been letting it happen and going with the flow. I just wonder what the hell he’s doing or got in his head because despite these really recent changes, he still considers himself single and feels he wants to be alone. I haven’t asked him about what he’s doing. I just know he’d say he still feels he wants to be alone. I’m really confused and don’t want to be a fool here and won’t put up with that if he’s just playing around. I would be so mad if he is just being selfish here. How disrespectful that would be!

Can you shed any light on what you think is up here? As well, how do i respond to it to ensure he’s not just using me without it seeming confrontational or freaking him out? I know if i were to ask, as i said, he’d say he told me he wants to be alone and say but he loves me and can’t help it or something like that. I would automatically think he’s using me in that response. But if he’s testing the waters, he probably wouldn’t admit it right now. This is just crazy to me. He’s 40 and i’m 33. Is this odd for 40? What the heck is going on with this guy? I need to know if i should just move on.

Sorry so long! Need help!.