We’ve all been there. Even the most confident seeming people struggle with it from time to time. It’s feeling insecure.
The thing about insecurity is that nothing is fun or enjoyable when you’re insecure and it just robs life of its joy. Not to mention, it will ruin your relationships, your mental health, and everything else really.
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So, let’s talk about how to overcome these insecurities for good. Keep reading.
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First, let’s talk about where insecurities start. Any guesses? Childhood. That’s where it all begins. Children who are neglected as well as children who are over-praised can develop deeply rooted insecurities.
Dr. Daniel Siegel, author of Parenting from the Inside Out, says the key to healthy attachment is in the four S’s: feeling safe, seen, soothed, and secure. Whether children are being shamed or praised, they are most likely not feeling seen by their parents for who they really are. They may start to feel insecure and lose a sense of their actual abilities.
And this causes us to develop that critical inner voice we all experience (some more than others). You know the one I’m talking about, the one that tells us we’re not good enough, we’re too stupid, too fat, too whatever, or not enough of something else.
1. Challenge The Belief
OK, I didn’t come up with this. It’s actually from Byron Katie who has a whole series called The Work you can check out for more techniques.
Let’s say you feel insecure because you feel like you will never find love. The first question to ask is, “Is this true?” You’re probably immediately going to answer yes to that one.
The follow-up question is can you know with 100% certainty that it’s true? Well, no, you can’t possibly know that there isn’t a single person on this planet of billions that won’t love you.
How do you feel when you think this negative thought that you’re never going to find someone and you’re destined to die alone? You’ll probably think, “I don’t feel good. It makes me feel like crap.”
Then ask yourself, “Who would I be without this thought and belief?” You would be a calmer, happier person, right?
Now turn it around. Instead of focusing on the thought or idea that no one will ever love you, ask “Do I love myself?”
Now that is where we need to start.
MORE: 4 Ways to Love Yourself and Be More Confident
2. Change How You Talk To Yourself
The exercise above is a great place to start but this is where you start to really challenge that critical inner voice that wants to bring you down.
The first thing you’re going to do is take notice of the way you talk about yourself and to yourself. Then you’re going to tell yourself the opposite of that negative thought.
If you say to yourself, for example, “I’m fat and gross. No one will ever love me, ”say the opposite. “I’m hot. I’m amazing. And I’m going to have an amazing relationship someday.”
This will probably feel weird or inauthentic at first. Maybe you don’t believe the new thought. Maybe you don’t agree and you feel like an idiot even saying such things. Do it anyway! It gets easier and easier the more you use this simple technique.
Your body and mind do not want to hear “I’m so terrible. I’m fat. I’m gross. I’m ugly.” It doesn’t want that because it simply doesn’t feel good. You will feel more in alignment and at peace when you feed your mind thoughts that feel good.
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3. When Did You Last Feel Secure With Yourself?
Look back on your life and try to identify the times when you did feel secure. What were you doing? How were you living? Who were you hanging out with? What were your hobbies?
Personally, and I’m sure a lot of you will relate, I felt so much more secure in myself and my life before I became really involved in social media.
We used to only really have access to our inner circle- our friends and family. We didn’t really know the inner workings of everyone else’s lives, from their new house renovations to how many times a week they workout to what they feed their kids every day to their 30-step skincare routine. Think about it- we know so much about people we’ve never even met! It’s pretty crazy. And with that, there are endless opportunities to compare which inevitably will make us feel like we’re failing or aren’t good enough.
I held off on social media for a long time but I really couldn’t anymore because I needed it for my business. However, I realized that when I was consuming it a lot for personal use, I just felt bad about myself!
All of these insecurities I never had before started taking over my thoughts and my life. I realized I needed to scale way back and stay focused on my own life and growing my business. I wanted to focus more on my own output… and get less input from everyone else. And it has helped a lot!
So identify what is negatively impacting your self-image and try to scale back on whatever that is.
MORE: 11 Signs You Lack Self-Love
4. What Is The Source?
Think of things you’re insecure about and try to identify where it comes from. Most of the time it stems from our childhood. Maybe you got picked on for something like your weight, your acne, or where you came from.
The point is, the people who made fun of you are out of your life now so why are you still letting that hurt you? You’re essentially letting them “live” rent-free in your mind.
When insecurity crops up, get to the root of it.
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Where is this really coming from? What is a healthier way to cope with it? If it stems from something in the past, how can you let go and move on?
5. Stop Being Afraid
Insecurity and fear go hand in hand. You’re afraid to do things because of what you assume people will think of you or how they will judge you.
You have to quit this fear because, first of all, most people spend their time thinking about things like that. The truth is that no one thinks about you as much as you do. That might sound sad at first but think about the freedom it gives you.
They’re not thinking about you at all. People are too wrapped up in their own worlds and their own insecurities. No one is analyzing you the way you analyze yourself so why worry about it?
The exception is if you are a celebrity or big influencer, in which case people will project their insecurities onto you and pick you apart piece by piece, so you need exceptionally thick skin to be in that realm. But that’s not the majority of us.
You need to adopt a “who cares?” attitude. Confidence isn’t about trying to prove yourself to other people. It’s about being OK with how you are.
When you stop caring and being so afraid, you’re free!
6. Make A Plan
OK, you have insecurities. Write them down and make an achievable plan to deal with them.
Let’s say for example that you’re insecure about your body. Maybe you start going for a walk every day or doing Pilates a few times a week or cutting out processed sugar (this will just make you feel better overall!).
Whatever it is, make a plan and start taking the steps to help you overcome it. It creates a snowball effect because it gets you out of that negative pattern of putting yourself down and you start feeling better as you proactively do something to make a new change.
7. Find What You Like And Embrace That
You may never love every single thing about yourself and that’s OK because it’s an impossible standard. If that’s your ultimate goal, you’re going to fail.
But you can accept things about yourself and identify a couple of things that you know deep down are good and true about yourself. Even the worst people can pick something they like about themselves.
We all have flaws but the key to confidence and not letting insecurity ruin your life. Don’t waste your time stressing about what you can’t change and instead put that energy into taking those simple action steps from your plan.
If something isn’t under your control, why worry about it? This brings me to my final point.
8. Life Is Too Short
When I look back on all the times I spent feeling insecure and ashamed I just want to shake my former self. What a complete waste of my time! It makes me sad to think back to things like the time I didn’t fully enjoy a vacation because I was too focused on how I looked in a bikini or some other insecurity that was robbing me of a good time.
Insecurities rob you of your joy and they take away your ability to enjoy life to the fullest.
You can’t attach your happiness to a condition. I’ll be happy when I’m rich … when I’m thin … when I move … when I have a boyfriend… when that boyfriend proposes etc. Drop the insecurities and negative thoughts and start living your life now!
I hope this helped and let me know if you have your own tips and tricks for getting over insecurities in the comments section.
It’s no secret that one of the biggest things men desire in a woman is confidence. If you want to learn more about how to be that kind of woman, and how to get the love and commitment you’ve always wanted, read this next:The #1 Things Men Desire in a Woman
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Written by Sabrina Alexis