Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › 2 great dates, setting up third, no response yet—am I being ghosted?
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SJ.
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SJ
We had a great first date, really enjoyed ourselves and closed down the place. It was easy and natural chemistry. So many shared values (superficial and deeper), similar backgrounds and interests, small fun things in common, too, like favorite music/TV/food/hobbies etc. We’re both well educated, both attractive. I don’t usually feel the pull to kiss someone on a first date, but there was such good chemistry between us that I did. And when I was leaving we ended up sharing a very sweet and chaste kiss. He messaged me *immediately* about setting up a second date.
He told me he had had problems with communication in relationships in the past on that first date, and I guess that should’ve been the red flag. Because the next week he was inconsistent in texting. However, inconsistency isn’t really an issue for me—I can be inconsistent, too. What was important was that he was engaging in conversation with me, genuinely interested in talking with me, sharing about his life, asking about mine, and we made plans for the second date about 2 weeks after the first. And also we would had a couple back and forth text conversations that lasted a while. That’s plenty for me.
We went out for a fun activity, again, we had a great time. Easy connection, easy conversation. He shared some things he had struggled with and we talked about deeper topics. After the activity we got food and he made drinks and we watched a movie at his place. We made out and touched (heavily), but I didn’t feel ready to have sex with him, and he was so respectful. Didn’t try to push me even a little bit. We talked a lot about sexual “politics” and the benefits of being open and communicative in those situations. We realized it was late, 11 hours after starting our date, he offered for me to spend the night, I said I would rather go home, he offered to drive me, I told him not to worry and that I would take an Uber— again, it was late. We kissed and hugged when I left.
The next day I messaged him about seeing each other again sometime, he said he would be out of town the end of that week/weekend but would be back the next week, I said I was out of town that week, he suggested a day that we could meet before I left but he wasn’t sure. I said, let me know and asked him if he was going anywhere fun for his trip. No response, but by the time I got back to him, it was late, so I wasn’t expecting one.
Then the curveball…the next day I happened to figure out that someone I matched with on an online dating site was actually his friend. When we figured it out, we laughed about it and agreed it would be potentially awkward and probably best not to go out.
The next day, I still hadn’t heard from Guy 1, so I sent a message saying I had a funny story to tell him next time we chatted, and no response yet. It’s been about 3.5 days since the first unanswered text. I don’t expect a response from him this weekend since I know he’ll be out of town. But if I don’t hear from him by next week when we had discussed a potential date, should I assume I’ve been ghosted? Somehow matching with his friend bothered him? I can’t imagine anyone would assume exclusivity after 2 dates, or based on what I said to his friend, I can’t imagine he would think I was assuming it either. Or is he just a bad communicator/randomly no longer interested?
For reference, I don’t think I’m needy. I’m a confident person, I’ve got a great life, amazing friends, strong connections, a lot of passions and hobbies. I’ve been through the dating gauntlet like most of us, though, so dating can make me a bit anxious, but I keep my cool in any interactions with the person. I know the answer is probably to just cut my losses and move on, which I’m already doing…but dang, what gives? Would love to hear some thoughts <3
SJ
Sorry for the typos! Wish I could edit it…
Khadija
11 hours for a second date is way too long.
I would highly suggest scaling back on spending that much time with a new love interest.
It causes a false sense of familiarity and just too much too soon.
Plus while we may think gosh I had a great date with so and so he may not have felt exactly the same.In any case he may in fact be thinking things over hence why he hasn’t responded. You messaged enough, do not send another message to this guy.
I really wish I could give you a concrete answer but, anything could have happened. Things may have not been over with an ex, he’s seeing others, or he can’t fit you into his schedule at the moment.
Just go about your day and if you hear from him great if not that’s fine too. Keep meeting people and don’t get stuck on one guy. They need to be consistent with actions.
Lane
I’m going to be bluntly honest—it was too much too soon! Dating shouldn’t be taken ‘so seriously’ and need to allow for mystery and intrigue which is done by giving them ‘little bits’ at a time…not a seven (7) course meal!
You need to learn how to pace it better, one hour the first, maybe an extra half hour the second where most of it should be engaging in an activity with little bits of info…not just talk, talk, talk, talk.
Date like you do when meeting any stranger, male or female. Do you spend copious amounts of hours ‘talking’ with people you just meet and playing footsie with them or do you break it up and get to know them in a more natural setting with briefer conversations and no footsie until you decide to become friends or not?
SJ
Wow, thank you for the advice.
Anna—I didn’t set up date 2, but I see what you mean about date 3. I guess I just feel like, why not? Why do women have to adhere to certain gender roles in relationships? And I know he also doesn’t believe in typical gender roles.
Lane and Khadija—thank you so much. I honestly thought it was a good sign that he wanted to spend so much time with me. That he wanted to do multiple activities with me in one day. Here I am thinking I was pacing it because I didn’t have sex with him. Haha. I just never really thought about it like that, but it makes so much sense now.
Damn, I feel a bit foolish to be honest. He checked a lot of the boxes for the kind of guy I was interested in, and shared so many values. I find it really hard to meet guys that are well matched to me (not to be arrogant but I’m tall, good looking, multiple degrees, interesting and full life, well traveled/lived abroad, successful, etc. and most guys I meet don’t match there). Well…I guess it can’t be salvaged now :/ Just have to learn for next time. Thank you for the clarity.
Ugh, what a bummer, though! Something good could’ve happened with this one if only I had known sooner. I feel like there are just so many dating mistakes that can be made. It feels like a game with rules I just don’t know. I always try to be genuine and upfront and honest, but I guess that doesn’t work? Any other tips would be appreciated. Thank you again!
Lane
Its really not a game with rules…its basic human contact that’s been driving the male and female species since they lived in a cave.
Ultimately, the man has to FEEL a certain way for him to progress it. However, overdoing it can over stimulate them to the point they feel drained which is why you do it in ‘little bits.’ For instance, it took three months of getting to know my (now ex) husband with brief interactions before I decided to date him! We were married over 20 years.
It took a month and many interactions (non dates) before I agreed to date my current BF of which we’ve been together for over 3 years.
I let THE MEN do ALL the work to the point they have to ‘woo me over’ but I also know how to pace it by keeping the mystery and intrigue going to the point if they ask another question I’ll say “let’s save it for another time.” Whether there’s another time or not doesn’t matter, I just don’t see the need to overshare with a stranger :o)
SJ
Whelp, I guess I’m learning a valuable lesson about patience. I’ll admit, I get excited when I meet someone with good potential. I’m sociable and outgoing and I love to connect with people. I make friends and connections really easily, always have. But I guess it is different when it comes to dating.
When I click with someone so easily and naturally, and they are mutually wanting to spend that time, it hasn’t occurred to me that I wasn’t pacing things well. I’ll be more careful with that in the future.
And I always felt like letting men do the work was rooted in sexist gender roles—but hey, I guess it’s worth a try cuz my way is clearly not working :/
So onto the moving on stuff:
No matter if I give him space and don’t text him, he’s not going to text me back and this one was a bust, right?
Any suggestions on how to nurse the wound of having accidentally screwed up a potentially good match? It’s so rare for me, it stings to realize it…
Lane
Society has been attempting, very poorly I might add, at re-engineering the human specie—like they say “don’t mess with mother nature!” Society is unable to ‘rewire’ biology which is why dating has become one big huge mess!
I thankfully had a dad who mentored me during the dating process so I was able to avoid a lot of the pitfalls and traps women today are falling into. Of course I went against his advice and tried it the ‘other way’ and guess what, he was always right lol.
The best thing to do is to understand your competitor (males) as it truly is “man v. woman’ where they are both competing for different things. Men are looking for sex (testosterone driven) and women are looking for a mate (estrogen driven). Only until you win a man’s heart over (he falls in love) will he pursue a relationship with you! This takes TIME though as its super super rare, maybe 2%, that a man falls “in love” at first sight. In real life it takes many months of interactions before they can know if its “lust/infatuation” (most likely) or “love” as they can FEEL similar but the true test is how long he sticks around.
He felt initial pangs of “lust” but that was it. Nothing you can do about it but pace it better, as its not about the race but the journey. In a nutshell, be a tortoise not the hare :o)
Khadija
You’re putting way too much emphasis on this guy being a good match. It takes time to determine if someone is right for you.
I’ve met plenty of men who checked the box but, inconsistency, and personality traits stopped things from going forward.
Keep meeting people because dating is also about finding the right person for us.
While I understand your thoughts on gender roles. I do suggest letting the man lead. There are countless posts of women taking the lead by asking men out etc and things went nowhere. Once your in a relationship then find your balance of the roles.
Stop over thinking this and just go about your day. You were perfectly fine weeks ago before you met him and you will be if he disappears.
Its your ego that’s bruised if anything. You mentioned all your good traits a couple of times.
Someone who is right for you is out there. Trust the process and take your time!
SJ
Thank you both so much. It’s so simple but those four words “too much too soon” just explained so much to me about my dating history. Most experiences that went south (whether it was coming from me or the man) I feel could easily be explained by that phrase. And the few serious relationships I have had, the man did all the work and things were paced slowly. *lightbulb*
Your advice has really helped me. I feel like I did the best I could at the time with what I knew, and now I have new perspective and new information from you that will help me with the next one.
I sincerely appreciate the help!
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