3-5 Day Silence

Hi Ali,

I understand your anxiety. But he’s been honest with you and kind. he’s not texting you or calling you, that’s for sure, and that’s annoying I understand. But he’s involving you in his life.
I think he likes you very much, but as he said, he’s independant, and not a phone person. that’s two ingredients that can make women drive crazy!
But don’t be afraid to text him. Not too much of course. As he said he’ll always get back to you. And I’m sure he loves recieving your messages. I know 24h is a long time to respond, and hard to accept, and he should make some efforts I agree.
But there are other ways to make him better at that. It’s been three months now. You can text him every now and then, not for asking news, but for saying than you after a great date, or send a joke, or something cute and sexy. Don’t try to initiate a converstion, he may does not have time for this, just silly texts taht will make him feel appreciate ;) He’ll be more keen to respond you i reckon ;)
Not sure I’m right here, but i think worth the shot ;)

despite of that, if he’s not willing to make efforts (because your desires are just as important as his), then you can start asking yourself some questions about him.
But don’t pull the red flag too soon!

Hi Ali.

Sweetie, you really need to slow down! I’m just like him, and believe it or I almost stopped seeing my guy because he was calling too much! Its very ANNOYING when we are busy and have a lot of things to do to placate someone. Don’t you have a life? Don’t you have enough things to do during the week? Why do you really need so much contact?

I think you need to get to the source of your ‘phone anxiety’ because you will eventually drive him away. He has been HONEST with you, and by not respecting his need for some ‘phone peace’ it will eventually come to bite you on the behind. He’s being OK about it for now, where I had to do the same but told him to stop calling so much, whereas if you keep up the pace of your phone demands eventually he’ll either get sick of it (like I was), or feel like he can’t make you happy and stop trying altogether.

Men text/call to ‘GET SOMETHING DONE’, they do not text/call to bond/connect like women do. Once he’s made plans he’s pretty much good until the date, which is why you should be spending the bulk of your time communicating face-to-face. Texting is now the top two reasons dating and relationships fail (sex too early is the other). The problem is you become TOO AVAILABLE, and its also ranks highest on miscommunication because you don’t have the verbal and non-verbal cues to determine a person’s true state of mind in order to properly encode and decode someone’s message, like you did here.

You need to start respecting his need to not be on the phone all the time. He’s trying really hard to appease you, but he does have a very busy life. You knew his friend was visiting and should haven’t been so heavy with it. One of a man’s HIGHEST NEEDS is to PROVIDE, so you need to acknowledge and respect his needs too. Really need to take a step back, connect and enjoy the time you spend with him when in his presence (this is how men do bond), and try to fill up your calendar with lots of things to do so you’re not so reliant on him.

Hi everyone! Thanks for all the input here. I read it and took it all to heart. We ended up seeing each other this past Sunday and exchanged our Christmas gifts, went to dinner and came back to my place to watch a movie and relax together. He stayed the night and left early Monday morning for work. I was supposed to meet his best friend who was in town for the holiday (as I mentioned above) on Sunday and I guess he invited us over his house for dinner there, but my guy told me that their place was the size of a small apartment filled with about 7-8 people (his best friend’s family) and a baby and he just wanted alone time with me to do our own thing and not have it be crowded. Which I completely understood. He was sick because of lack of sleep and clearly had been go-go-go since his friend was in town. I was bummed I wasn’t meeting his friend, but the time with my guy was all I truly cared about.

When we’re together he makes me feel so secure and amazing. As if he’s my boyfriend and that I have nothing to worry about. Refers to us as “we” and “us” and talks about future plans every time. At the end of January is my birthday and we usually have a family party for mine and my uncle’s combined birthday. I told him about that and that I want him to come to that and he said he would. Told me that he would have good conversations with my dad (because I’ve told him many things about my family).

He asked me if I had NYE off and New Years Day and I told him yes and I said “what are we going to do?” and he said “Whatever you’d like to do babe. My buddy wants to come out to hang out so as long as you’re ok with dealing with him being there also?” I said “Ya no problem! He liked me I think, the last time we went out with him?” and he said “OH ya he liked you a lot actually!” and I said “Ok well I’m excited, I have a cute black dress to wear” and he said “Im sure you do, you always have cute outfits on”. Made me smile, I was happy he was so open and non hesitant to spending NYE with me. Had said “Guys don’t care as much about NYE as girls do so we can do whatever you want” and I said “Well because it’s a couple holiday!” and he smiled and kissed me. We had an amazing night all-in-all and I was super happy again after all that stress. He has explained that his friend is kind of a “diva” and makes everything about him and is always last minute, is a heavy drinker and it was a lot for him the past week to entertain him. So I’m trying my hardest to be understanding that not seeing him for a week and a half and not talking as much as I would like was attributed to his friend being in town. I’m hoping that now that he’s gone, things will go back to normal.

When we were on our way to dinner, in the car, he was talking about the things he had been up to with his best friend in the time I hadn’t seen him and somehow the conversation got to him saying, “Well maybe we can go to dinner tomorrow night before my friend leaves. His flight is at midnight and I’ll be taking him there so we can see what he’s up to”. I said “ya I would love that”. Long story short, when he left Monday morning from my house he said he would let me know before I got home from the gym (5-6pm ish) what his friend said about getting together for dinner. I waited until 5:30 to see if he would text or call to let me know the plans and then just texted him “Hey babe, I’m half way through my workout, should I be getting ready when I get home for dinner to meet (bff) before he leaves or no?”… 7pm rolled around and he said “I’m so sorry sweetheart! He started at 6:15 with his family and there was no way we could have made it. I told him to have fun for us. I’m taking him to the airport around 8:30. I’ll send you a pic. Hope you’re having a good workout!”… I texted him back “Hi babe, I’m home from the gym already and I had a good one :). Pretty bummed I didnt get to meet him, but ya send me a pic when he leaves. Hope he has a safe flight. Will you text me when you get home from taking him/before bed?” he said “Yah I’m sorry, it’s always last minute with him. I’ll definitely text you when I get home :) Have a good night babe” I said “Thank you babe! That would make me happy. Drive safely xoxo. TTY in a little bit”….and I never got a text when he got home lol. I’m not super stressed about the no text when he got home because as I’ve mentioned above he’s told me he’s not a phone person. Just makes me think sometimes that he says things without full intention of doing it. He always follows through with actual plans, but when it comes to “tentative” plans (like possible dinner with his friend) or something he doesn’t see as necessary (like texting when he gets home from the airport) he just doesn’t do it. This contributes to me having questions in my mind sometimes about how he feels.

Today is Tuesday (day before NYE)…and because of how so much time went by when his friend came out and that we didn’t talk like we normally do/see each other for a week and a half… I have some underlying insecurities with him now. I’m falling really hard for him and I know he definitely cares for me too, but I wonder how much or how much of a priority he wants to make me in his life. We’re coming up on 3 and a half months right now so it may be too early to tell for him? He told me that his best friend broke up with his gf over the holiday (long story that’s not relevant here). He said “I know she’s not right for him because she changes who he is and the trust is gone in their relationship. He’s told me he knows shes not the one so there’s no use in wasting her time or his time. They’ve tried for 3 years and it just isn’t working for them.”…. Which made me think in my head, well then that clearly means he wouldn’t waste my time if he didn’t want to date me. Great to hear. So many things he says and does in person make me feel reassured.

He’s extremely affectionate in person and makes me feel really important. So I guess I feel like I may be creating my own anxiety and insecurity. Some of them are unfounded, but some of them I believe stem from the importance I put on the communication. I’m beginning to feel like I’m going to have to accept that this is who he is, and talking every day will be something I’ll have to let go of if I want this to work for us. But is that a reasonable state of mind about the situation?

After how everything went so positively on Sunday, it’s the day before NYE and I’m sitting here going back and forth with myself and I can’t tell if I’m just being ridiculous or not. I have told myself to wait and see how things go this month now that his friend is out of town and see if things get back to how they were before he was here. I know he would never blow me off on NYE, but I have thoughts creeping in my mind like that specifically because I put so much stupid importance on his (in my opinion) poor communication. …. it’s something that is definitely hard to get used to and sometimes makes me question his feelings for me. But then I reflect on how amazing it is when we’re together and tell myself I’m being ridiculous.

So I’m just having this internal battle today and would like some insight on how an outsider views this. Thanks in advance!

I think he sounds great. I usually get annoyed when guys text too much in the beginning, makes things move too fast. Chill, he likes you…..slow is the way to go!

Ali,
I highly recommend two books I LOVED:
Why Men Love Bitches and Why Men Marry Bitches – by Sherry Argov.

I’m seeing that your texts have neediness all through them. Your texts (if from a guy) would repel me, no offence, and I’m female. Be mysterious. Let him wonder what you’re up to. If you don’t hear from him by a certain time and you had made fixed plans, you make alternate plans, go to plan B with a friend. Let him find you later, and when he asks what happened or where you went, say this:
“When I didn’t hear from you I did X instead, because I didn’t want you to feel any pressure.”
You are chasing this guy away. Trust me.

Hey Ali, I think I can offer you some insight here because your brain seems to be wired very similarly to mine. Constantly overthinking, being hyper-aware and quite frankly… very cynical. The problem with having such a mind is that YOU cause yourself so much pain and grief but don’t even realise that you’re the problem until much later, often when it’s too late.

Firstly, I want you to realise that there is a difference between ‘he’s just not that into me’ and ‘he’s not right for me’. You are conflating the two. You are taking these expectations of how you’d want/ expect a guy to treat you and marking this guy of yours against this self-created scoresheet. Now when the guy fails to do well on your scoresheet the problem comes. You come to the conclusion that ‘he’s just not that into me because if he were he would score much better’. However, let me assure you that this guy is VERY into you if everything you’ve said here is true. What’s actually the issue here is that he’s scoring badly on your scoresheet because according to the scoresheet you have drawn up, he’s just not right for you! He’s expressing interest the way HE knows how, but it’s not right for YOU. It’s like asking a brilliant Englishman to sit for an entrance-exam to a job which requires a brilliant person, but having the exam set in Chinese. He s just not right for the job, even though he IS brilliant!

Secondly, you might want to reconsider whether it’s that he’s actually not right for you, or that you need to change your scoresheet. I’m not asking you to change yourself to suit him. I’m asking you if your scoresheet was created by your insecurities, or by the real you. Say someone assured you that this guy was 100% into you and that things were going brilliantly and all he wanted was to stay with you. Then what? Would his 3-5 day silences bother you? Also, why don’t YOU reach out during these silences? If you did have the confidence that he would not be repelled (we have all heard too many “great” rules about not contacting a man- but this stops after the courting phase and every relationship is different!!), would you contact him and say whatever was on your mind? My personal opinion here is that your scoresheet is created by what you THINK a man SHOULD do, and when he fails to do just that because he’s of a different character, you get disappointed. I think you need to have more confidence in yourself. Remind yourself that a) he IS into you, and b) you’ll always be okay no matter what because you are enough for yourself.

I’m speaking from experience here. I started an LDR thing with a guy (we weren’t in an official relationship). He’s a really sweet, mild, shy, man of few words who doesn’t even rly reply to his friends messages they leave for him on his wall unless they require an answer. Despite his keeping in touch with me for 10 months, I was ALWAYS insecure and I was always subconsciously testing him. What disturbed me was the silences. We’d be chatting and good and then he’d go MIA for like 4-5 days. After a few months I spoke to him and told him they bothered me. He then apologised and said he’d make an effort. He did, and started contacting me pretty much every day. But still- and I didn’t even realise it- it bothered me because I’m one of those who can be at work and be conducting a conversation all day and still get my work done just as well. For someone like me, I was naturally insecure because I just didn’t understand how someone could not want to communicate more if they were actually into me! I think I always half-expected never to hear from him again. The ridiculous thing is that my friends told me over and over and over again that he was into me. I just found it hard to believe them. It took a massive falling out and loads of space for me to identify the problem. Yes, he had done silly things, but the only person making ME unhappy, was ME.

When I finally accepted that he was rly into me, I started seeing things differently. I realised that all those times I stopped myself saying what I really wanted to say (because for instance he had not contacted me first that day), I was being STUPID. He would have loved to hear from me. Even if it was a double-text (I.e. I’d texted earlier and he hadn’t responded cuz he was busy or wdv) he’d liked to have received it. I was so wrapped up in my insecurities, I didn’t enjoy my time with him, I made my life about determining if he was into me (expended WAYYYY too much energy there), and I just wasn’t authentic and was always walking on egg-shells. And for no reason at all! He was just a pretty clueless guy who got rly wrapped up when at work.

The main lesson I learned is that if I’d just trusted that I would be okay regardless of the outcome and done what I felt I wanted to, instead of following pre-set ideas of what OUGHT to be right because I was so afraid of losing him, I would have been a lot happier.

Please don’t make the mistake I did. I let my insecurities keep growing and I continued to test him and then I imploded and exploded — we had massive fights (he did smth dumb- failed to show up somewhere- but I reacted very very very badly because I took it as the ultimate sign of ‘he’s just not that into me’). Address your concerns with him as and where possible, tell him you appreciate it when he does do something you like, and just do whatever the hell you want! Message him if you want/ call him if you want! Relax and be confident that you are always enough for you and you’ll be a lot happier!

Yams… PROFOUND post. I wish everyone here could read this one. This is serious growth and insight, into yourself and another person and about love and intimacy.

Happy New Year sweetie!

The only thing that’s constant… is constant change! We drive ourselves out of our heads trying to get things nailed down just as we want them. It’s kind of like spending the whole day at the beach building the most marvelous sand castle, and then expecting to find it there intact day after day when we go back. Just isn’t gonna happen.

Yam’s ! your post was very very profound ! Great lesson for a lot of us, really well explained, and a good way of thinking for this new year !! :)

Happy New Year to everyone! :)

Aww fibs that’s really sweet.

Tbh I reply only to posts where I feel I’ve experienced the situation and the reason I write such long posts is so that I can explain to you guys the way I constantly explain to myself. Trust me- breaking these bad thinking habits does not come easily. I have now gotten to the point though where I see myself heading down that negative spiral and I simply catch myself in time and shut my mind up. Sometimes I’m in too deep before I catch myself so I reassure myself with the same stuff I have written here.

Catch you negative thoughts and don’t let them control you.

Hi Ali
I am so so so so sorry. I hope very soon you will realize that this guy (I’m not even going to call him a man) was just in your life to teach you something and that is getting closer to what you want and need in a relationship. You will find a man who will follow up on what he says, who will communicate with you regularly and help you feel safe in your relationship. You shouldn’t need to settle for less. Take care of yourself and keep your heart open. xo

Also, the phone call at night is about giving to you. It’s not for him, it’s for you. Even a very masculine man will be happy to give to you if he knows the difference it makes in your life. Men like to do things for women, as long as they understand the benefits. It sounds like he doesn’t get how much it benefits you, since it has no impact on his day. If you were able to communicate how happy it makes you and how much more relaxed you feel when he calls to say goodnight, I’m betting his attitude about a quick phone call would change… also it’s very important that you know that the goodnight phone call should generally be quick and light hearted… people who think the way you do (like me) sometimes use goodnight conversations as a time to bring up relationship stuff or test the relationship… that will backfire… if you’re the kind of person who does that (not saying you are, I just know that I have that tendency) recognize that the need is to connect… so you can let him know that you need to connect and need a bit of attention… but don’t use that time to bring up heavy stuff. It doesn’t sound like you would, just a warning in case you might.