Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › 4 months in and suddenly he's gone quiet on me
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Trixie.
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Harley
HA Ha Ha.. i’m a 45 year old complete nutcase from ireland who does cartwheels down the steet at 4am drunk. talks ALL the time, and too blunt. Frighten the shit out of most men because I’m untameable !
Im NOT that mature. i was a mess 8 mths ago when i got in touch with my ex finace who strung me along for 6 mths. i have learned from him and GROWN. I value myself more, have higher self-esteem, confidence, lost weight, look shit hot.. sure look ar me.. I pulled a German world class kick boxer. I NO LONGER SETTLE FOR CRUMBS
Ha HA ha. THIS forum.. taught me loads
Amy
Yes I totally get it that it’s his loss, I am the prize and so on and that is how I have to keep thinking but it’s just so hard!! I look at other people and think how did it work out for them so easily? I have been single for 5 years (and he was a disaster) and I finally thought it was my turn. I really did. My gut instinct is usually pretty good! URGH. Horrible times.
Amy
Oh and Harley, my guy is Irish!!! LOL… I am Scottish.
Harley
Ha ! Small world. Another girl Laura is from Glasgow, what part you from ??? IS your guy LIVING in Ireland or in Scotland ??
Amy
Okay Houston we have contact… And I need help on what to do.
So he has sent me a text which is a picture of me he has screengrabbed from Facebook (that my friend put up this morning) with the words “Looking fit” that is all.
How do I respond? I’m annoyed with him for the long silences, but should I be pretending I’m not annoyed? Is he trying to break the ice or is it clear this is just sex for him after all?
Need help!
And Harley I’m from Glasgow, he’s from Ireland but working in Aberdeen for the forseeable future so we are both in Scotland.
Harley
Great news. I think he’s testing the waters. And …. I’m useless at this type of advice. Talllady is good, and Lane and Lagirl….. but you can hardly wait hours for them to wake up. although Talllady is awake.
I just wanted to make sure it was not a LDR(long distance relationship) as guys get fed up of that and bail out.
I would wait a while to reply.. will teach him to treat you better. Normally we advise, you mirror his texts.. he texts once a day.. you text once a day.. he texts short texts, you text short texts. Again.. it teaches him to communicate better ( feck.. forgot he’s Irish.. useless !lol !) and treat you better.
In this case.. I would wait a while and text… “of course I am! with a big smiley face”.. THAT will have him slightly confused and intrigued.
See what he comes back with. IF he asks if you are annoyed.. say NO.. just feeling concerned as to whether he had been ill or not. If he asks what you were up to.. say making new friends.. us.. online. But don’t tell him who or WHERE.. you don’t want to give him the secret of this forum !
Amy
Ha ha that’s why when I wrote where he’s from originally I then thought better of it as that would be a dead giveaway. I really like him though and I want to make it work! However he needs to be better at all this OR we need to discuss what is happening at some point as maybe we’re not on the same page after all.
I like your reply “of course I am” lol although not sure I have the confidence to pull that off!! But yes will mirror him and hopefully we can move forward again! Why is it such a minefield??? x
Penny
How long was he silent?
I would just say thanks! and that’s it or “of course I am” sounds good too. stir clear of starting a conversation since he didn’t initiate any.
Amy
I last heard from him late Saturday night. So a couple of days but it’s the change in behaviour more than the time period. He used to be in contact all day every day.
Amy
OK now we’re in a back and forth about my hair colour. He says he loves my new hair. I’m so confused, guys are flipping weird. Would be much better if you could just go out with your girl friends – you know where you are with them!
Going to just let him lead the convo, not going to ask him how he’s been or anything. I am keeping up the happy and breezy facade and hoping that’s the right strategy.
Have to say life was a lot less stressful when I was single and celibate!
Harley
Yup.. sorry.. got busy at work !
Keep light and breezy. He’ll get round to asking for a date.. eventually… getting blood from stone and all that !
He’ll open up in his own time… guys are like clams…. start reading up on the mancave thiung.
I’d hazard a guess it’s stillthe work related thing.
DON’t ask questions.. MAY push him further away. HIS compliments are HIS way of showing.. he cares and realises he’s been missing you.
Just say ” shame you’re not here to smell my hair.. it’s divine ! I’d love it even more if I heard your voice”.. you DON’T want to get into the nhabit of texting… he’ll get the hint and call !
PATIENCE, PATIENCE !
Amy2
So.. my guy is also back to normal as Amy’s.
Even though he seemed detached for 2 days after our weekend date, he still greeted me in the morning and texted me when he finished work saying he was going home. I really appreciate that.
But at the same time I feel so tired of this power struggling. He pulled back when I felt so in love. I have now got used to his detachment and he is bouncing back??? I don’t even wanna talk to him now.
We have mutual agreement at the beginning of this relationship that we will contact everyday; if we fight, it shouldn’t last more than 24 hours. He had also told me that if I don’t like anything of him, just let him know. But I don’t know how to do this. I might burst into tears or say something stupid if I raised this issue. And I don’t think he likes it.
Harley
Amy2.. You sound like you have NO confidence here. Guys DO this type of shit.. it’s not nice but it’s how they are wired. YOU.. have to learn to control your emotions ans deal with it. DON’T contact him if you are feeling emotional.. just tell him …YOU need some space right now, are feeling under the weather.
The honeymoon period is over now and THIS is REAL LIFE.
I think it a lot of an unrealistic expectation to have a guy call you EVERY DAY. Gusy GET busy.. they FORGET. It’s NOT personel. Wait until he and you see each other in person( both in good moods !)and tell him gently you would appeciate if he lets you know he needs time to himself, in future. You UNDERSTAND that, but you were FELT worried that something had happened him.
Harley
And Amy2.. WHY do you feel it’s a power struggle ? Relationships should not be like that. You are only together 3 mths.. still in the getting to know each other but honeymoon period starting to fade. How old are you both ?
I’m gettnig confused with both Amy’s . Sorry !
Amy2
Harley, I am 30 he is 31. Yes, it feels like a power struggle for me. He said it outright at the beginning he is looking for a life partner. So am I. Our honeymoon phase was short. Instead of being crazy in love, we were more like a couple at peace who understands and compromises with each other. As I said he maintains a contact between us. He initiates everything he leads all the way. I pretty much feel I have the upper hand akk this time. But now I am worried he might feel bored.
Harley
Everything sounds fine. Relationships SLOW down,into a less intense phase.
WHY do you feel he is bored ??
HAS he indicated it ????
Amy2
I know Harley, I am not confident. But he had initiated everthing and made it into a habit. If he is ever to slow it down or cut it, shouldn’t he let me know? That for me shows how reliable a man is.
Amy2
No. He never said he was bored. He was worried that I was bored at him though.
Harley
Ok. YOU.. are seriously OVER-THINKING EVERYTHING here and driving yourself CRAZY.. about.. NOTHING.
IF.. you keep this up.. your relationship WILL be on the rocks.
TRUST him, start BELIVING in him. Please start living a life outside of him . You CAN’T expect him to call everyday. This type of neeiness will drive him away.
Men… love to be appreciated for when they DO call, not nagged when THEY DON’T. They love compliments… so tell him .. HE MAKES YOU HAPPY, VERY HAPPY.
Buy a few empowerment books, read a lot of articles here.
GUYS.. just don’t think. they don’t realise they are neglecting us.. they think they are out busy working , making money FOR YOU. Cut the guy some slack here. He’s NOT doing anything wrong. he’s.. working, living life. YOU… HAVE unhealthy expectations about what a relationship should be. A GOOD relationhip is easy..not a struggle. YOU, I believe. are MAKING this a struggle.. when it’s ACTUALLY.. NOT one.
Have all your past relationhips made you feel this way/gone sour ???
Amy2
Thanks Harley. I understand what you mean and from all the info I read online I understand how to treat him the right way, so I did give him compliments on his good behavior instead of nagging or punishing the bad ones. But I am doing it right only because I know the tricks not because I do it naturally. Deep down I do not have that sort of confidence required for a healthy relationship. It is quite a struggle for me. I will try to live a life outside of this relationship. I know that’s what I should do. Thanks heaps
Amy2
I never had a healthy relationship before and I had been cheated on mentally. So I kind of trust issue. If he gone cold, I would drive myself mad thinking he is doing what my exes did. I don’t know how much he understand about my feelings. But he is kind of humble in front of me. He doesn’t mind investing more than I do. The moment he sensed I was down he came near to give me a hug. Never forced me into anything. He is very cautious not to scare me away because intially I kept pushing him away.
Amy2
*Initially
Harley
Yes my darling, I only mean what I say for teh best. YOU.. have a good thing going here. believe in yourself more. You can get confident. I DID ! I used to fake it a lot.. now it comes naturally.. enough people complimented me, that I started to believe in myself more.
Stick notes on your bathroom mirror, car sun visor, computer at work.. saying what a great person you are. ” I am pretty” . “people like me”, ” my bf thinks I’m amazing” ” my bosses tell me I do a good job “, that type of stuff. Repeat tehm to yourself every day… for as long as it takes.
Make friends that are POSITIVE and compliment you.. ditch the ones who are jealous/envious /drag you down. People make nasty comments because THEY know they hurt and THEY are nasty themselves, with their own problems.
WE all get insecure now and then….I talk too much and too loud, I ALWAYS interrupt convos( I try to do less). Peole pull nme up on it. I USED to get real upset, go off and cry, NOW.. I know they are right, I just say ” I knOW I do.. I’m worKing on it, Louth ( my home state) by bith, LOUD by nature.” that.. SHUTS THEM UP.
On a positve note.. those above traits make me walk into a room and OWN it, within 2 minutes.
You’ve got to turn the negatives into positives.
Rebecca
Hi Girls.
haha Harley im in Northern Ireland….didnt think anyone else from Ireland/UK was on here :D
anyway,
My ex boyfriend done this every 3 months. the first time he done it….he was actually freaking out that he loved me. But I was an idiot….always constantly ringing him when he said he wanted space because I was freaking out. Him wanting space happened so much though that the relationship just didnt work out. However, the advice I would give is just fill your time with other things. Join some sort of club and youll make more friends. I joined the gym and a class and made friends there and we are going out this weekend. it will help you get more confident and take your mind off him :)Amy2
Thanks Harley and Rebecca. Great to hear your stories!!
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