4 months in and suddenly he's gone quiet on me

Aye Rebecca.. there’s a few of us. 2 Scots and lonesome little old me ! Glad to hear all working out for you.

Thats good he came to see you – making an effort :)

I know I’m probably a bit late to join the conversation here but I just wanted to say I react exactly the same way when my fella pulls back. Harley can confirm this….she’s supported me through it enough!! Lol

Only difference is I’ve been with him 18 months now. It all began around the 4 month mark though. And still happens now.

Only difference is I handle it better now. Not a lot, but it doesn’t wear me down as much as it used to.

It always happens after he has been over the top loving, talking marriage etc. He’s almost always quiet on a Monday after we’ve spent the weekend together. And every Monday I get the same feeling in the pit of my stomach. That ‘oh no he’s losing interest’ feeling.

What I mainly wanted to say though is…. Could he also be thinking you have gone quiet on him? Could he be thinking ‘shit, maybe I got too heavy and full on and she’s backed away?’ and now he’s treading carefully and testing the waters to see how you feel?

I ask this because sometimes when my fella has gone quiet and held back, I hold back too. Eventually he will contact and has asked if I’m playing games with him. Other times he has questioned why he is always the one to call, and that I never call him. Last week, and he ALWAYS makes contact first thing, it got to mid afternoon and I had heard nothing all day. I was stewing on it, determined not to initiate. In my own assumptions I thought maybe I’d annoyed him, or that he was upset, angry or dealing with something himself. Come 3pm he texts…’thought I’d give in and text you first seeing as you haven’t text me’. See, we were both waiting for the other one. Makes it feel like a really immature game!

And I hate it!

I’m now trying to limit texting. In the hope it will increase actual phone calls!

He called yesterday at 6.30am. Then nothing all day. Usually I’ll get some form of contact in the evening. But I didn’t. Again I was getting in a flap about it. Worrying about initiating myself. At 9.30pm I see he has commented on my FB status. (something he rarely does). Hmmm, trying to catch my attention I reckon, coz I hadn’t contacted him all evening! Still I held off. 10.10pm I finally get a text, saying night and he’ll call me in the morning. I think he was waiting all evening for me to initiate.

Over all though I think this is an issue that affects us girls much more than the men. He says I dont need to worry about this initiating business. He says if I wanna text, then text, if I wanna call then call. But I dont because its drummed into us everywhere that we mustn’t! (which I truely believe we should hold back in the beginning).

I think deep down he’s more insecure than he comes across. He just would never show it.

I just wanted to throw another angle on the situation thats all. There is no reason why you cant just drop him a text if you haven’t heard from him in a day or two. Just dont blow up his phone! Keep it light and cool.

Wow Buttercup thank you for that! I actually think you could be spot on there. The more I think about it, having seen him last night and how absolutely normal it all was, and how keen and happy he was to see me, that actually was it ME last week who was being the weirdo and holding back?!

You are also right that we have it drummed into us by all these silly books (which I am very guilty of reading) that tell us men should do ALL the running, initiate all the contact, take the lead. But what if just sometimes they freak and think, woah I’m coming on too strong, maybe she’s not as interested as me, maybe I should see if she will contact me or start to miss me if I pull back a bit?

Honestly, can’t help gushing about the absolutely golden advice on this forum! I think I have read every post in the last few days and it has talked me down from the ledge big time!! You’re all great, thanks x

Quite honestly guys the American thing is only that way in the big cities
out in the country or rural areas where I live, you don’t date multiple people at the same time that will get you a bad label fast lol

Also I agree with the texting or contact. My guy he gets funny too if I don’t contact him he thinks something is wrong, now granted I don’t blow up his phone at all and I try and mirror his.
But I think as long as you don’t go psycho overboard then it is okay to send a Hey how you been message.

Not so sure of ALL of us in US jandke no expectations so well lol.. although I actually did enjoy multiple dating for a while. Got me over crazy fantasy building.
J and I at 10+ months and intiating is about 70/30% him – me.
Last week he was very withdrawn. . But the prior week I had spent 6 nights out of 8 at his and THEN he visited with me and my parents for 3 nights straight.

However after I was out of sorts a bit this weekend had to bow out of an event Sunday to do stuff at home, he told me how he wished I could have come and had initiated contact 1-2x per day since.
I really don’t think J .. or most guys evaluate this like we do. They need space, they take it. They get space, they miss us, they come find us.
Pretty simple actually.

Healthy expectation : trusting him, and the relationship.

Unhealthy : expecting him to text every day, freaking out when he doesn’t, being needy, insecure regarding the texts.

HE IS BUSY AT WORK. .YOU aren’t his primary focus right now. YOU .. have to deal with that. STOP.. thinking he loves you any less becasue he is focused on something else.

Guys.. don’t like texting. They text for a purpose… i.e what time YOU… rally have to deal with yourself here. Youa er fare too inscure and no confidence.is dinner, are you eady for the date yet.. not chit chat and NOT.. every day.

You are far too insecure. he will sense this, if not already dand it WILL drive him away.

the same old problem crops up here : YOU ! You have to get yourself under control. Get a life outside of him. Get counselling/therapy for your low self-esteem/insecurities. Appreciate him for what he does right. STOP.. expecting soo much of him. Guys will disappoint.. you have to deal with it.. unless it’s something terrible like an affair.

Amy.. you are WAY overthinking this. Making it worse for yourself.

FOCUS.. on what I’m advising you to change IN YOURSELF.. for the better, NOT on him.

IF.. he arranges dates, sees you , compliments you ,then it’s ALL good. Texting is crap. Forget about it.

Yes.. you preetend you do not notice it. Mirror his actions.. he text’s once, YOU text once. his text short.. YOUR text short. He pulls back and needs space.. YOU.. give him space.NO blowing up phone, NOO texting.. He will be back… IF you are not needy and insecure.

Amy,

my boyfriend didnt text me all day yesterday until I got a phonecall after 9pm. A few months ago I would of freaked out about this, but I have learned to relax and realise he has alot going on. I can be quite insecure at times.
Dont get me wrong I was still abit like “ugh i Just want him to say hi” because he usually phones me when he gets out of work, I thought he was just working and went straight to football….turns out he didnt even get to football because he was working late. But he still made the effort in his own time because I didnt pressure him when he was busy. He ended up facetiming me later AND sending me a night night text because he knows I like that.
It takes time to get into a routine but if you have your own stuff going on you’ll be less focused on him

No. I am freaking out because of something else. I have got an impression that he is such a man that craves for freedom and space yet he is reporting his daily schedule to me except when he detached himself after every weekend date. I totally LOVE it!! But on the other hand, I am worried that the moment I let down my guard and fall for this habit which he set, he would stop doing it. Maybe I am thinking too much. But he does it better than I expected, which had raised my expectation. I don’t know whether this is the real him or he is also under disguise like I am.

Ok Harley…. thanks..

it doesn’t sound good, his short answer.

I’d go NO CCONTACT and start dating other guys.

He’ll be back… in time.. see whether his explanation is good enough OR NOT. Don’t settle for crumbs from him.

Hi, I just discovered this..and I realised you give really good advice thanks so much..I think I have got somewhat of an answer to a pressing question…well lets keep my fingers crossed