4 Months Into Dating Him…& This Happens

Ask lane, she has x ray vision if its an old or new condom ripper. Have you posted this before? It sounds so familiar. But anyway the guy seems serious but if he never asked you yo be exclusive or his gf then its time to have the talk. Good luck

Thanks Selena, I’m a pretty chilled out person & I’ve done enough dating in the past to know reacting to things irrationally straight away is NEVER a good idea. I haven’t posted this before no, haha.
It’s just super disappointing for me being in this position as I was certain it was going really well, so I’m naturally cautious of ruining what we have. But it’s just really bothered me & like you say, 4 months in & I feel like it’s time to establish what we’re doing. Just so we’re on the same page with no confusion, rather than a ‘need’ to be in a relationship.

believe me, it is NOT a good feeling to have. it makes you sick to your stomach. for me, i wanted to call him out right then and there, but i decided to take a shower and wait on it.

that was the moment i knew, in my heart, that i couldn’t handle something like this. it was that specific moment (i felt awful, totally used and disposed) that i did NOT want that happening again. in my heart and brain i was done. i told him via text that i need to walk away (of course, politely because for me, I agreed to be friends), and that i wanted more. he couldn;t give that to me, so i am out. THAT is what you need to do.

it’s better to be alone than to feel lonely. it’s the worst feeling. the feeling is 10x better KNOWING you’ve walked away from something that was going to blow over and you feel completely free. don’t look back.

my guy was completely shocked that i simply just texted him to say this fraudulent friendship was over. i blocked his number and on social media. i was DONE. so, until he’s ready to change and SHOW you he’s done with this BS behavior, should you even begin to entertain the idea of having him back in your life.

Hi Emily, thank you for your advice & I certainly admire your ability to walk away from it all, that’s ballsy.
However your past situation is very different to mine despite a few similarities. He hasn’t said to me ‘let’s just be friends’ & he has made no indication that’s solely what he wants. Atm unfortunately I don’t know anything for sure, so I can’t make rash decisions based on assumptions. Need to hear it from the horses mouth.

Wow girls, you’ve got to start taking some responsibility for getting that far in with a guy without having the exclusivity discussion. If he doesn’t bring it up and it’s not been discussed: YOU ARE NOT EXCLUSIVE, he is not your BF and you don’t have a right to expect monogamy. Also, if a guy tells you he just wants to be friends and you keep sleeping with him, that’s on you too.

You haven’t hit a grey area, you’ve allowed this whole thing with him to be a grey area. This is why it’s said here not to sleep with a guy until you know you’re on the same page.

The real reason we as women don’t push it or don’t raise it is we aren’t valuing ourselves enough. Then we get in it with a guy and we really want to it to work out so we put on the blinders. And then when it doesn’t go our way we get angry with the guy for stringing us along, being a douche, being a jerk, whatever other terms get used here.

Value yourself, don’t get over invested until you see a strong history of matching words and actions and don’t sleep with him until you know you are on the same page. That’s how healthy women get into healthy relationships with healthy men.

My guess is the reason he didn’t get too flustered about the bumble chick popping up on his phone or the condom is because he hasn’t stated you are exclusive.

More times than not if something doesn’t seem right, it isn’t,
This is what happens when you act like a gf without the title. It’s very important to be clear with each other, regardless of all the future talk.

Men say lots of things in the moment, talk is cheap when it isn’t backed up with words.
You really ought to find out if you are exclusive, especially since you are having unprotected sex.

Yep I agree CarrieAnne, he’s of course under no monogamous obligation if we are not exclusive. It of course works both ways too. I’ve come on this forum for advice on what to do next, not for clarification of my mistakes or of my part in this grey area. It’s fustrating mostly, all I read about is how bad it is to discuss exclusivity head on but how else are things meant to move forward? You have to establish it at some point. It’s gotten my head in a right spin.

@Coral

it is your right to know if he is willing to MOVE ALONG the relationship so that YOU KNOW if you are wasting your time or not. if what he wants IS NOT CONGRUENT with what you want, then YOU MOVE ON. are you just going to keep playing this weak ass guessing game? there is NO clarification needed. you simply ask: “So, are you willing to see this going somewhere, do you see yourself getting into a serious relationship with me? So i can act accordingly and DATE someone who is willing to move forward with me.”

state your purpose and your truth. if it’s not congruent you MOVE ON. keep circulating and DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME with these kind of men. more likely than not, if 4 months in and he HASN’T broached the subject one bit, he’s probably intending to keep it casual. the strongest position that you can take (and position of power) is to WALK AWAY when you’re not getting what you want. And don’t look back.

Rachel that is a really confrontational way to go about it. I wouldn’t do it that way, that will push anyone away. Better to say hey, about that Bumble message, I was wondering if you are seeing other women, because I’m looking to be with someone who is interested in being together long term and if you aren’t looking for that, I understand, it’s just that I will need to move on to someone who is on that page too, much as I’ve enjoyed the past few months of dating you. And then you shut your trap and listen carefully. I don’t use the word serious with a guy, it sounds like I’m trying to pour cement on him and lock him into one place, LOL.

-I woke up, started to get ready for work. Just as I was about to leave I look down and on his tv stand (which is at the foot of his bed) is the ripped off end of a condom wrapper-

How often do you stay over/see each other?

I’d most certainly be very suspicious BUT it also strikes me as odd the wrapper was left hanging around in such an obvious position, if he had something to hide! On the other hand, perhaps it’s just an oversight……

I think you need to confront him face to face about this. His reaction should tell all you need to know, unless he’s a very accomplished liar!

You saw the condom on accident, it wasn’t as if you were snooping thru his personal belongings. It was out in the open, I’m sure his mother would’ve seen something like that. I would question where that condom came from but the other things seem to be pretty normal. I would not get all bent up about the dating app, if he’s making time for you and it’s obvious that you’re a priority then chances are that the other women he’s talking to are to have fun with…I know it sounds immature but who knows. If you have not had the talk of exclusivity then you are technically not exclusive. I know plenty of men who introduce them to family/friends and make future plans but yet don’t want an exclusive relationship only companionship. You’ll have to ask him, if meeting family/friends is important to him. If so, them chances are that he sees you as long term. It’s good to know that before you meet the parents unless it’s out of the blue.

@Omi G

Not directly no, only sort of hints like him mentioning meeting my dad, visiting my hometown with me etc. All things that I’d consider to point in that direction. Maybe that’s the issue here, we haven’t discussed it. I’m just getting really fustrated and upset over this, I need to talk to him about it.