Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › 4 year relationship ended with lies
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Older but not wiser.
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Older but not wiser
I used to be a frequent visitor of this page until I met my now ex bf 4 years ago. I was 23 then and 27 now and looking back I feel like I’ve gotten older but none the wiser.
My 4 relationship with the ex was littered with red flags except I couldn’t see them then.
A month into us dating he told me the girl he dated before me for a few months was ‘crazy’ and he was scared to walk around a town over with me because she lived there. I asked why and he said she introduced him to her mum and it was way too early. I believed him then.
A few months in, he used to hate me using Instagram and tried to make me delete my account (mind you I don’t post revealing pictures) but he told me his ex cheated on him and he found out via insta. I tried to be understanding so I didn’t see how it was controlling behaviour.
He tried to stop me going on a trip to Paris with my siblings (my mum asked me to accompany my younger siblings). When I couldn’t talk as much while I was there he told me he was on a bridge alone and I had to beg him to go home. I thought I’d break up with him then but a part of me felt like maybe I was at fault so I stayed.
There was lots of criticism and jokes about me being stupid, ugly or dressing too boujie.
He used to try and squeeze in plans with my friends, even one to one girl friends. At that time he didn’t have many friends so I thought this was normal.
I made so many allowances for him trying to understand his hard past. He always knew I wanted to get married but last year, I told him it was something I want to do and asked him if he did too seriously now that we’re 3 years in and older. He said yes but we said we’d think about the exact timing in the next few years.
So given the history of my relationship maybe this break up wouldn’t come as much of a shock to you but it did to me.
This year he didn’t seem to want to put as much thought into us. Our dates were repetitive. I got more vocal about how I was feeling but it would be the same cycle. He said he was too busy and didn’t want to spend so much money.
2 months before our break up I felt disconnected from him so I told him and asked him for a break. He said he felt it too but didn’t want a break. We talked and agreed that we wanted to work on this together.
In the last month before our break up, I noticed he was going out with his coworkers a lot more. That didn’t bother me but usually he’d stay out with them and then didn’t want to do much with me because he didn’t want to spend much. I got upset at this and told him that why does he seem to have money to spend on drinks with colleagues but not on even a coffee with me? We ended up talking about it and making up.
Older but not wiser
However the same continued but this time he got colder and more distant. My siblings has bdays and usually he would joke but he was more annoyed and kept telling me he was tired. On a few instances mt siblings noticed that he would talk to me in a really mean way but they didn’t tell me after the break up.
So the weekend before the break up we celebrated his bday. He again seemed cold and we hardly made any physical contact. I took him out for drinks but he seemed to get really red and said he was having a hard time breathing. I panicked and told him we should go, he insisted he was fine and it was the pollution in London. We went back and forth on this because I told him he didn’t look very well so we ended up taking the train back. While I was sitting next to him on the train I noticed he has turned his brightness down to look at his WhatsApp messages. I know this trick because my parents can be nosy so I used to do this all the time at home so they couldn’t see my texts. I confronted him and asked him what he was trying to hide. He said nothing, I’m just trying to save my battery. I’ve known him for 4 years and I’ve never seen him do that to save battery. In fact we have the same phone which he made me get because the battery was so good. Plus we were almost home. He could see I was upset and tried to hold my hand I told him why he was trying to hold my hand now. He said haven’t I the whole day (he wasn’t). I asked him if there was something I don’t know about his life he said nothing apart from money he’s trying to save for his car and the money he owes his dad. Mistake 1 – I rested the topic about this then.
I thought we had resolved the issue about him not feeling well but he decided to send me pictures of his nasal spray to ‘prove’ his issue with pollution and even told his mum I got emotional that night about his health.
The next day I went out with him and his parents and it looked like he was just annoyed with my presence the whole time. He didn’t use his phone in front of me and we hardly talked.
The following week he started texting me less and didn’t want to talk after work like we used to. I felt like maybe it was my fault so I told him I feel like I did something wrong and told him if I did he should tell me because I want to work on us. I even asked him if he still loved me or if he wanted to break up with me. He told me he was trying for me and he felt annoyed when I didn’t appreciate it when he turned up for me. I told him but everytime he ‘turns’ up he’s always quiet and tells me he feels tired. He said I wasn’t grateful and that he did love me and breaking up was not something he wanted to do.
So then the week goes by but with the same coldness, less texts and calls only when I call him. One night I sent him a funny video on WhatsApp and he replied to it but I didn’t check the message till later because we mainly used telegram. He went to the gym and in the past he used to text me at the gym but recently he wasn’t. I went to check the WhatsApp message and noticed he was online on WhatsApp while he was at the gym. I replied to his message and his response was defensive – why are you texting me here??
I told him I simply replied to his last message. And since when did it matter, we texted on WhatsApp too sometimes. He told me it was his friend and manager on WhatsApp.Towards the end of the week he told me he had planned a dinner with 4 guys at work after work but if they said no we could meet up. He told me he’d let me know. He didn’t text me and I was finishing up at work so I texted him and asked if he’s still going or if he wanted to meet up. He said they were going to a steak place. I said okay and went home and went to the movies with my family.
By the time I got out it was 10pm and I noticed he didn’t text me. Usually he lets me know if he’s on the way home.
Older but not wiser
I had this guy feeling he wasn’t with the guys.
A few weeks before this he had mentioned this girl at work. Apparently his friend in HR (she’s a woman) told him that 11 guys in the office have a crush on her but he told me she wasn’t his type. I didn’t realise this conversation was odd so I told him about this guy at work all the girls seem to like too.
As I got out of the cinema, I searched this girl on Instagram and she had just posted a story which was a video of him vaping. His face appeared covered by the smoke but she wrote his name in the story and I could tell from his body and hands that it was him.
I didn’t want to make assumptions, maybe they all went for drinks instead. I called him but he didn’t pick up and asked me what’s up. I told him I needed to talk to him but he told me was at home already and he couldn’t. I asked how his dinner was and he said it was good they went for steak. I asked did everyone go, he said and named 4 guys from the office. So I told him he was lying and sent him a screenshot of him on her story.
He said that couldn’t be him and accused me of finding a random person online. He told me he didn’t know who the girl was, he told me I was being awkward and crazy stalking his work colleagues while she was out with a different guy. This carried on the whole night. I showed my closest cousin and she agreed it was him.
He tells me hes questioning our relationship because I accused him of being a random guy on the internet and I tell him it’s over for me because of the lies.
We met up one last time the next day. He told me he didn’t want to talk about last night because hes not defending himself.
When we meet, I ask him repeatedly until he admits it was him but he still doesn’t know who the girl is and hasn’t ever talked to her. For the first time in 4 years I told him to show me his WhatsApp if he wants to prove it to me. He said no.I asked him why he lied, he said he panicked because his mum used to follow him as a kid to make sure he was at school. I tell him I’m not your mum, I know where you work have I ever turned up there?
He tells me he needs time and feels lost and put our relationship to the side because he wants to focus on his career.
We break up and part ways. I go home and ask him for my money back, I also start logging out of our joint accounts like Netflix. The next day I text his mum that we’re over.
At night though I break and tell him I can’t let this go. He asks me why – he said you wanted nothing to do with me and even told my mum.
The next day he tells me he parents panicked about us breaking up and asked him why we broke up. He finally tells them he needs ‘time’ to figure out things.I break and tell him if he needs time then maybe we can work this out. He leaves my text messages on read.
The next day I think it finally hit me, and I told him I didn’t want this anymore. I asked him for my money back and I send the texts where he lied to me about knowing the girl to the girl. She doesn’t respond to me but he finds out. He sent me the money and then blocked me.
Two weeks after we broke up, the girl he didn’t know or talk to has invited him to her birthday lunch with her friends and he’s there. They continue going out for drinks and he’s always sitting next to her.
Older but not wiser
That was how our 4 year relationship ended. I never thought anyone could be so cruel. But in some ways I broke my own heart, I let him manipulate me and take me for a fool. Now I’m here again and this time I’m in therapy too.
Lane
Sorry this happened to you but I disagree that you aren’t wiser, as you learned a lot of lessons in what is aptly known as “the school of hard knocks.”
This is typically how most relationships fizzle out. I wish there was a magic pill one could take to lessen the pain but unfortunately, a big part of life is learning how to work through these kind of hardships. I know you are still trying to pinpoint and process *the why* but all you will do is get a headache by hitting your head against a wall.
Based on what you said, it doesn’t sound like he was ready to settle down. I think he tried the best he could with the maturity of a young man, and failed the relationship test. There are a lot of expectations that comes with being in a relationship; and its likely he may have felt constrained or confined by it, and was looking for an out without being the bad guy, and make it appear as if it was your decision. Accept it was your decision by cutting the cord to a dying relationship.
You are both still young and staying in a dead end relationship isn’t what you should be learning but when to walk away. He is not your person. Try to look at as a gift, in that, he is gifting you the freedom to meet the man you are meant to be with.
Like they say, “an opportunity lost, is an opportunity gained.” You have lost someone who wasn’t meant to be, and now have the opportunity to gain the one who is. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. You will get stronger, and are “red flag” wiser now too! :o)
Older but not wiser
Thank you Lane, it really hurts a lot. What hurts most is that after 4 years he didn’t respect me enough to just talk to me and tell me how he felt. I always told him that we weren’t married and in our relationship we could be honest about what we wanted. It’s not like we had kids or financial things to sort out. Instead he played all these games and kept lying even after we broke up. I find this hard to accept because I can’t ever imagine doing this to anyone I have loved.
I don’t feel angry at him though, I’m more angry at myself. I had so many reasons to leave but I kept finding one to stay.
The lesson has been learnt but I feel like I will never love again in the same way. I’m in therapy now, in hindsight maybe I should’ve started when I was 23 and struggling with the wrong guys. I guess better late than never.
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