Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › 4 yr relationship and my feelings have changed…
- This topic has 13 replies and was last updated 4 years, 11 months ago by
Lane.
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Bree
We’ve been together 4 yrs. 1st yr was great….until I found out he lied about someone from his past. Wasn’t a huge deal but the fact he lied really hurt me. I tried to let it go…but trust issues started. Year 2-3 were very HARD. Lots of good times and lots of fights. He would say things like “You suck the life out of me” and other really mean things. I know I had an issue with co-dependency as I did with my ex, I tried to fix him. We also were barely having sex at this time too. He was working long hours outside and blamed it on that. I honestly don’t ever believe he was cheating, never gave me a reason to think that but I was rejected many times. He was pretty verbally abusive too but I stayed cause of course I loved him and wanted it to work so badly. Now that I look back, our fights were at times really dumb but my insecurities and his selfishness just kept at it. He also had a habit of sleeping on the couch (like ALL the time) and I used to literally cry in bed alone cause I felt so lonely. When I would ask for him to come to bed he would be so mean and rude. Finally, I stopped asking and got used to being alone. He would tell me at times “good, just preparing you for later.” (Me being single) We also rarely spoke about marriage or kids. (I have a 10 yr old) He even told me once he didn’t want any of that. I was heartbroken. We were stuck to hips when we met and I made me so sad to see how much we had grown apart.
Fast forward to our 4th yr….it gets interesting. Still fights here and there but we kept strong. Moved to larger home (leasing) One of his words during a lot of fights in the past would be “he needed more space” and I’m sure it was true. We got the bigger house. Still some fights but very rare. I am now USED to sleeping alone. Me and the dogs…he still sleeps on couch.
On Labor Day we spent time with his family and he stayed while I went to my moms. They had a party at his family’s and he got wasted. He even lied about who was all there. He left out a girl…*eye roll* Again, dumb fight but WHY do that? I was pretty much over it after that. Why lie about who’s there. Never lie! Right?! He blamed my insecurity for lying. We had already booked a cruise the next month and since then my feelings have changed. ME. I no longer want sex. I met a guy on the cruise and we flirted innocently back in forth. (MY bf was there too and we would chat…very innocent) Any who, this guy made me feel ALIVE again if ya know what I mean. So since then something in me changed. We’ve had sex a handful of times (I used to beggg for sex, like seriously) and I could care less what he does or where he goes now. I have grown so much mentally…I don’t even know if I want marriage or kids anymore…at least not with him. I have been traveling a lot (for work) and have been spending time with other females, just enjoying life. In a way I’m sad that my feelings are changing but at the same time the goddess in me is like F*ck him for all the pain he put me through. I’m VERY confused now. Half of me still loves him but is on the fence. The other half is constantly imaging scenarios of me being single. Here’s the thing. Now HE is chasing me. HE is being super nice. He is doing EVERYTHING I always wanted, super supportive of my own business, romantic, touchy feely, random phone calls, just sweet how he used to be in the beginning…you name it. but I feel its too late. I have even told him a few times how I feel different towards him and our connection and he just listens. He’s being more CARING than he has even been now and is even talking about houses, and future. (We did talk about future a lot but nothing ever super serious or sure) It actually pisses me off when people do this. WHY? Why not love and appreciate what you have when it’s there. When it’s begging you to love it back. Ugh….I’m scared if I do break it off I’ll regret it. :( So, so confused.
Bree
*****Also just to add, YES we had bad times but there were lots of good times too. But you know how they says “Bad times out weight the good ones.” He wasn’t a jerk 24/7 too. He was a good bf at times…but when he was mad…boy could he be mean. Sometimes I wonder why I stayed during yr 2-3…now in yr 4 just looking back like wtf. And even MORE WTF that he’s changed. Like WTF!
Khadija
This relationship has run its course. Time to move on.
Bree
I think you’re right Khadija. I’m trying to come up with a plan but I have no clue where to start. The thought of it even makes me tear up..especially now that hes being so sweet. Like total opposite. I’ll be heartbroken either way.
Wasfia
I think you should give him a last chance for few more months. These kind of breakups are really hard to cope up with. May be he has changed now.
Dangerouse
I don’t have a lot of sympathy for you. You have put your child through this mess.
Bree
Wasfia, my plan is to wait until after new year. For some reason starting fresh the new year helps me mentally but we will see. It’s very hard to stay mad when he has been super sweet and caring the last 2 months. I think I resent him and have built a strong wall. I know what you mean though, just the thought of us not being together makes me tear up and makes me feel sick. But I wont allow anymore mistreatment that’s for sure.
Bree
Dangerouse actually my child has pretty much no clue about our troubles. We don’t fight in front of him ever…arguments yes but not fights. I’ve always been very careful about shielding him from past experience and the way I grew up. When we did have our big fights my son was always with his dad. My son and bf have a strong relationship…stronger than his and his dads since his father is only here once a month now. If anything my bf has been a great father figure to my son. Taught him sports, skateboarding etc….so my son sees bf as a close buddy. So…this just makes it harder because my son is so close to him.
Khadija
Break ups are never easy even, when you are the one doing the dumping.
I see no reason to drag it out.Lots of people say they will do this or that once the New Year hits and settle into old ways.
Why prolong the inevitable?
Better off single
It will probably hurt a lot at first, time will make it better. You like the idea of being single more than staying with him.
he probably realized he was wrong which is why he is showing you through his actions he has changed instead of talking about changing with no action, like you said, too little too late. Do what’s best for you.
Why prolong the inevitable?
Better off facing reality
Re reading what you wrote him saying things like “you suck the life out of me” may have been him trying to end it. What did you do or say to push him to that point? Silent treatment maybe? Pushing your boundaries with him to have your own selfish way? Flirting with someone else? Making him feel bad about himself? Gaslighting him? Attacking his character? Making up drama? The fights you had were petty and stupid. Sounds pretty toxic. Why are you still holding on?
F*ck him for all the pain he put me through…keep that mindset it will help you move on.
Damned if I do. damned if I don’t.
What confuses me is you are finally getting what you wanted and now you decided its too late?
I get it, why the hell are you hanging on if its too late? You want to watch him suffer? You wanna stoop to his level? You wanna be childish and make him beg? If he hurt you that much and can not bring yourself to forgive him and accept his changed behavior, why in the frick are you still hanging on? Waiting until the new year is stupid. You wont do it then if you aren’t now. You’ll find another excuse to keep holding on. You don’t want him. You decided you don’t so, better off doing it now. Don’t wait. Let go. Rip it off like a band-aid. He sounds like a real piece of trash.
T from NY
Is there really any discussion needed about ending a toxic relationship? Get your ducks in a row no matter how long it takes and get out. Then – Heal thyself. Make better choices then crying in bed alone and habituating yourself to loneliness. That is not love. Learn all you can about loving yourself better. The website Baggage Reclaim and Ask Polly articles online are a good place to start.
Lane
I think there is a learning lesson here and you seem to have missed it.
You mentioned you were co-dependent which is a very toxic dysfunctional mindset to have when in a relationship. Now you are becoming ‘independent’ and his view of you is changing because your internal dynamic is changing. I don’t think you should drop him yet as the both of you are both responsible for establishing the earlier dynamic in your relationship because both of you were struggling with two opposing toxic dynamics where he was too independent and you were too co-dependent.
My fear, especially for you, is you will break up with him and end up in the same dysfunctional co-dependent relationship with another man because it feels more comfortable to you, which is the irrational belief you are holding onto. You don’t know what a interdependent relationship feels like, what it looks like, or how it operates. He is being sweet because he’s noticed a shift in you, in that you aren’t relying so much on him to fill a void or validate your worth but finding other people and activities, such as traveling, to fill it and validate it with.
I’m a former co-dependent due to my exes alcoholism and I had to break the chains of this toxic belief that another person is responsible for your happiness. I broke the cycle after years of independence to the point I swore I would never be reliant on a man for my self-worth or validation ever again. My BF is super sweet and has been since the beginning because I don’t rely on him for my happiness, he is just one of many sources my happiness is derived from—once you have adopted and live by this dynamic it alters the way people treat you because they know your not going to just “suck it up” but can easily walk away if they don’t treat you right.
He is treating you right because you are now treating yourself right and he finds this new found confidence sexy and exciting. Build on that confidence, don’t lose yourself in the relationship like you have in this or the past, or you will end up repeating the same cycle. Give it a bit more time, continue to do you, continue to watch and observe him, where even if it doesn’t work you will at least KNOW what a balanced interdependent relationship looks like because its you’ve never seen or experienced one before.
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