Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › 5 year girlfriend broke up – LDR
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Aurelion
Hi everyone, I am new to this community since this is merely the 2nd breakup in my life, but this one does feel harder.
So, here it goes and I´ll try to make it short:
I met my ex girlfriend 5 years ago, she was 16, i was 21; everything as beautiful as it gets., basically a dream relationship. We had some issues after 2 years, where she told me she needed to live because she feels trapped. Not 2 weeks went by, she came back saying she want to get back with me. I obviously said yes and everything was perfectly fine.
Now, 2 years ago out long distance relationship started, and I mean REALLY long distance… from South America to Europe, she went abroad to study in Europe, and I stayed with my job in South America. We saw each other every 6 months, summer and Xmas and everything seemed really good for a LDR. We were also planing on going on a vacation this summer, but as you know, COVID19 prevented that, and we couldn’t have seen each other for who knows how much more time. Nevertheless, I had big plans with her, summer 2021 I was going to do a masters degree in Europe in her city, and we were going to live together, I was even considering proposing to her at that time, obviously she didn´t know… But we had plans.
The issue started a month ago, she started going out with her house owner, a lot… for walks, dinner, etc. I was never insecure or too jealous, but I started to notice she was kind of different and distant in the calls, but nothing that really bothered me. The real thing started a 3 days ago, when I confronted her about she being different, and she said she loves me but this distance thing is way too tough and that we should take a break. I naturally reacted shocked and kind of angry, sand and dissapointed. We hanged up and she immediately texted back saying she didin´t mean it and she loves me and wants to be with me forever. But I felt it, I knew she mean it, so I was really distant the rest of the days. She was constantly checking up, saying she wants me to be better and that she will heal me with a lot of love… she actually was really cute with me in texts, as she had always been, sending hearts and everything. But, today after not speaking too much she sent a loooong text saying that she feels this doesn´t work, that it is too tough and that we should have our separate ways and hopefully meet again, and that I deserve everything good in this world because I am marvelous, and asked me to facetime her afterwards, which I did and was shocked and could not say much. But I later sent a text saying in summary: Even if this is not what I want and I wanted you for ever, I respect your decision and wish you all the best.
That´s it, here I am. With all my plans, nothing to do. Hear in a million pieces.
Raven
You dated a 16 year old girl while you were 21?!
She was a minor & you’re lucky you weren’t arrested…Avagadro
Don’t mind the people who want to focus on your ages as the only thing here. You’re 26 and she’s 21 now.
It sucks, but.. focus on yourself. Find a healthy hobby. It’s going to take time to heal, but the more time you spend on yourself, the faster you’ll heal. And when you heal faster, you reach happiness faster.
Lane
I’ve been in this position quite a few times where some didn’t pan out but a couple did so you do have a shot at making this work BUT you have to *do something* to make it happen or you take the risk of losing her to another man forever.
If you are a man of empty promises, then let her go. However, if you truly want this to work then YOU have to *do something* to not only show her but prove to her your words have meaning—can be trusted and relied upon. My question to you is “What have you done, other than travel for short visits to close the distance gap? Have you applied to the school program you discussed above?” Have you taken any meaningful steps to get permanently closer to her?
My ex husband and current BF both took MAJOR STEPS to get close to me, and bridge the distance gap. Without them doing this, I would not have reconsidered them, and moved on with someone else. She’s TIRED of hearing the same old excuses, no longer believes you and that if you really wanted to progress your relationship, you would have done something by now.
Although distance can make the heart grow fonder, too much distance can make the heart wither and die. This happened to me, whereas if they had let too much time go, I would have moved on with someone else. I actually had with my ex husband but he was able to woo me back. I was at that point with my current BF, when I told him “At which point are you going to do it because all I’ve heard for the past year is what you want to do but have taken no real action to do it.” He knew I was nearing my ‘end point’ and ready to pull the plug if kept dilly-dallying around (talk with no action)—that was two years ago. Although it took him a year to effect it (had to prepare, sell his house, and buy another one closer to me), he was taking ACTIVE STEPS to achieve it and that’s what *I needed to see* in order to to stay with him.
So either get off the pot and do something; or let her go so she can be with a man who will.
Aurelion
In response to Lane:
Thank you so much for this extremely practical advice. I actually thought of this deed of hers as some sort of “cry for help” to make me hurry up and do something regarding me closing the distance gap permanently. But shouldn’t I first apply something as a no contact? Given that we were very close and she was in the liberty to tell me something like: “please you need to come now”. Also, given that she told me she has to grow and meet people, and my being in her mind makes her feel bad about doing that; basically she thinks I am restricting her personal growth.
Back on the matter, I am actually in the process of getting residential permit on her country, it is a difficult process with no 100% chance of success but all the requirements have been sent.
I have always been short of money, but after 1 year of work I have some money saved that could get me through the first 2 months in her place, including school tuition. Maybe until I get a temporary job there. So, telling the truth, I could just get accepted on a post graduate program and go, piercing through the COVID19.
I am going to apply to all school programs in her area, but I fear she just lost all emotional attraction towards me and going to her won’t fix that.
Aurelion
In response to Avagadro:
Thank you for your kind words. I agree the correct thing to do is heal and focus on myself. But now it just seems impossible, can’t seem to get my mind on her, or creating horrible stories to her. I am in general a pretty confident guy, but this really stuck me hard by surprise.
Right now I can only think on what to do to get her back, or if I ever will.
Aurelion
In response to Raven:
This actually made me chuckle, thanks for that. But is was nothing like that, everything was consented and consent age here is 16. Her parents approved on that very moment.
Sensy
He## no, you should not do no contact. You are the “male”. Chase “her”.
All the best!
Aurelion
In response to Sensy:
Should I? But wouldn’t that push her away? I want to believe she needs her space and she will miss me and reach back to me.
Newbie
I wouldnt fly acros the world now she said its sort of over. Call her first and ask her.
I think its over and thats not so weird. She was 16 when you met and now 21. She is exploring. And changing. Its very rare highschool sweathearts stay together and its just because of that.
I would call her and if its clear its over, accept it and move on. -
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