Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › 6 months no "I love you"
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Christine.
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JD
Hey everyone,
So I just need to get this off of my chest.
Me and my current boyfriend have been together for the last 6 months (7 at the end of this month), we’re both 30 and before being together we were both single for a year and before that I was in a relationship of 8 years and he had a relationship for 5 years.
During my single year I had some experiences that weren’t that good and maybe that and adding to the fact that besides the current one I only had a serious relationship, I get a little insecure and anxious.It didn’t take long before he asked me to be his girlfriend, I’ve already met almost all his friends (the most important ones I know) and his entire family. When we started dating I was living by myself and he was living 30km from where I live, so he started to stay at my place for some nights really soon in our relationship and the fact is that although it’s still not official for the last two months he’s been living with me.
I consider myself a strong, confident and independent woman. Still, and despite trying to be rational, regarding new relationships I am emotional and sometimes insecure (and maybe because of my background of one serious relationship that started when I was 20 and because of the bad experiences I had afterwards when I was single) and although I learned the hard way that actions speak louder than words, I still need words.
My boyfriend, unlike me, is not a “word” kind of guy. For him, and he expressed this in some casual conversations we had on times I was more insecure, the fact that he has presented my to his entire family, that he takes me with him when he has dinners and parties with his friends, that he calls me every lunch break and when he is leaving work, that he actually spends most of the days with me are ways for him to show “how much he likes me”. He is very communicative and outgoing, but not verbal when it comes to expressing feelings. Sometimes I get a big hug and a “I like you so much”, sometimes I get a text saying “just to drop a kiss, I really like you” and because he doesn´t says it that often I enjoy when he says it. We have holidays planned for september and I’m attending his cousin wedding where he is best man and the wedding of a friend of him in the next two weekends.Despite all this, and after almost 6 months of hearing “I like you”/”I like you so much”/” and everything around liking I feel that I would like to hear it saying he loves me, that for me is a reassurance on what we have. I’ve been feeling this for a month more or less,
I thought of saying it first but as some girls I fear rejection and of course I’d like to hear him saying it first.Please don’t judge, I know it might sound crazy or stupid but these are insecurities in me, and also 6 months living together is some time I guess.
Let me know your experiences xx
Lane
I understand how it must feel to be with someone that long and not know what they actually want or where they see you in their life.
I do think he loves you but he’s not ready to make that kind of commitment yet. When a man say’s those THREE BIG WORDS he needs to be in a position to carry them out and act on them as they shouldn’t be said unless they truly see you as ‘the one.’
I was going through a similar situation with my current BF where he was saying and doing everything a man in love does but not saying those three words. I was seriously ready to pull the plug as I was too busy running a business and didn’t have time to waste entertaining a man who acted like he was ‘all in’ but wasn’t saying he was all in. I remember he sent me a second song “When I need you” by Leo Sayer (the first was “Years from Now” by Dr. Hook) and when he called that night I mentioned the song and asked him “do you love me?” and he said “yes.” I then told him I was so used to men saying it when they feel it and asked why he waited so long? His response was “your not an emotional person and was afraid if I said it I would scare you away.” That was over a year ago, he now says it every single day and were still going strong.
I would definitely take the opportunity to counter it when he say’s “I really like you” with “no you don’t, you love me just admit it” with a coy smile and a wink and see how he responds to it. If he doesn’t respond to it and intentionally ignores or avoids it; then you need to put your cards on the table and tell him “OK then. Please know I’ve enjoyed being with you but if you don’t love me then I’m going to have to let you go so I can be with a man who will and does.” Honestly, if he can’t love you back how long are you willing to hang around?
Maggie
Mine waited almost six months before he told me. I literally started bawling when he told me, I was so relieved to hear it finally.
If you feel it now, he probably does love you. My boyfriend told me lots of things that were close to “I love you” before he finally said it. I adore you, you’re mine, I’m never letting you go, you’re dear to me, I like you a lot, etc.
Just be patient.
Junior
Be patient. Some men are scared of rejection too so they take their time to say it. There was one poster here that mentioned it took 8 or 9 months for her bf to say “I love you.”
I say wait it out for a little while longer and enjoy that he shows you he cares. In a couple of months he still hasn’t said it, take the risk and say it first and see what he says.
Good luck!
Ali
HI action show love but I undestand why you would want to hear it, and for me, there is NO WAY I would want a man living with me who didn’t love me…. otherwise I would worry it was for convenience or comfort rather than anything else (and that does happen).
I dunno. If you think he is on the edge of saying it and just scared, i suppose you could hang on a little longer. But I would probably have a conversation myself, or just tell him you love him if there is a romantic moment that seems appropriate…
I have told a couple of men (including my ex husband) that I loved them first. Conventional wisdom says not to do that, but in both my cases, they said it back immediately and the relationship went on to be serious. If he gets scared off by you expressing this, you have your answer.
I wouldn’t recommend that if it hadn’t already been 6 months of things getting progressively more serious.
Emcee
I have posted the same question a few months ago. In my case however, we’ve been together for 1.5 yrs and still no i love you. But very much the same with ur bf when it comes ro actions and he treats me very well too! Ur feelings are valid! As a woman, we need to be affirmed and validated and its impt for us. I agree with Lane, what i did however is i told him i cant continue with the relationship if he doesnt love me and im really ready to walk away from him so after i said that to him i didnt make any contact and after 2 days he talked to me and said it to me! I think he loves you but you might have different definition of love. Give him a lil bit more time but you can talk to him if u cant take it anymore and be willing to be firm with ur decision though! All the best!
Emma
It is something any woman would take notice of. When a guy hammers “I like you, I like you, how much I like you”. Duh!
Do not worry about it. Try this for some time: I like you too, I do like you a lot, when I thought of you I realized how much I like you.
He’d stop very fast!
Then give him some time and he’d eventually tell you he loves you. LOL
Men get excited fast but they often wait before using the LOVE word.
Kim
If you know actions speak louder than words and if he’s doing all the right things by you why are you so worried? I’ve been with my partner for over a year now and we don’t walk around saying I love you all the time. I know he loves me and vice versa due to his actions. You shouldn’t say it just for the sake of it. He might not be ready just yet. Maybe he wants to be absolutely sure of it before saying it.
Christine
Hi JD, I just saw your post and I can definitely relate. I made a similar post about a month ago about a new guy I’m dating because of a similar situation.
I also have the same insecurities as you and they come and go. Some days the feeling of insecurity is stronger than others. What kept me going is reminding myself of how I feel when we are together and what his actions signal more than his words. I ask myself some questions when I have my moments of weakness. Do I trust him? Yes. Is he showing me in actions that he loves me? Yes. I am enjoying our time together? Yes. I try to step out of my emotions and the need to hear those words and think of the wonderful things he’s doing for me. And then I’m fine. Hope he gets there eventually and tells you so.
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