A cry for help

I’m not sure where to start or how to process my emotions. I’ve been struggling to survive, Im homeless, and my ex-mother-in-law kindly offered me a place to stay until I can get back on my feet. The catch? My ex-husband still lives in the house, and despite our outward civility, the tension between us is palpable.

It’s been a few weeks now, and I’ve been trying to keep my head down and focus on getting a job and saving enough money to move into a hotel. But it’s hard to ignore the constant reminders of my failed marriage and the lingering resentment we both harbor. My ex has been telling lies about me to his friends via text, and it’s infuriating. He is currently in a relationship, and wants to keep it a secret. I know him so well that he gives himself away. Its why our relationship ended because of the constant infudelity and gaslighting. I feel indifferent toward him and i no longer have it in me to fight for a relationship i ended up miserable in. I’ve tried to vent about it on social media, but it only seems to fuel the fire.

Here’s the thing: I still have feelings for my ex. I wish I didn’t, but I do. However, every time I think about him, I’m reminded of all the skeletons he has in his closet. The distrust, the betrayal, the hurt – it’s all still so raw.

To make matters worse, I feel safer sleeping in my car than in the same house as my ex. I know it sounds crazy, but at least in my car, I have some semblance of control. But I don’t want to leave my kids; they’re my world, and I need to be there for them.

I’m torn, and I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to swallow my pride and continue staying with my ex-mother-in-law, if only for the sake of my children. But another part of me screams to get out, to escape the toxic environment and start fresh.

Can anyone offer some advice?

How do I navigate this complicated web of emotions and do what’s best for my children?
Is it selfish to prioritize my own well-being and potentially leave my kids in the care of others, even if it’s just temporarily?
How can I reconcile my lingering feelings for my ex with the need to protect myself from his toxic behavior?
I feel lost and alone, this is the only family I have, and I desperately need some guidance. If you’ve been in a similar situation or have any advice to offer, please share. I’m all ears.