Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › A guy seeking feminine advice
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redcurleysue.
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Steve
I’m just a guy seeking some feminine advice, as I am very confused. If this is not allowed, please delete this post.
I’ve been talking to a lady since early June, she lives in a city about 2 hours away. Our banter and wit are out of this world, as is our chemistry. We have the same love languages. Our first date was a nice magical outing at a park that had a small waterfall. It ended in a nice kiss under the night sky.
We made plans for the following week. We both were looking forward to it, but it’s difficult to plan anything with the virus going around. She and I are both considered at risk, my asthma, but we discovered a drive in movie theater, an hour from her and 2.5 from me.
I’m a mild germaphobe, and about ten minutes before arriving it hit me to ask her if she’d been at risk of the virus in the last two weeks, kissing for example.
I said I know we aren’t dating or official and I don’t care, but between my health and my “essential coworker” who is 77 and has health issues, I have to be really cautious.
She said she kissed one other person besides me, not including children’s cheeks on her birthday, but my question was like being dosed with cold water.
She asked if she should turn her car around, to which I replied yes. I had to protect myself and coworker.
I offered to see her again after 14 days, as we did have a strong connection, I told her I was sorry for hurting her, but at first she wished me well on my journey (she was defensive of the kiss and said she was only interested in me but offered no other explanation, nor did I want one).
She did back off some and said she’d have been ok with us both at the drive in movie wearing masks as long as we were spending time together.
I didn’t think of that in the moment.
I told her I didn’t want her to stop our dating, but would respect her decision if she left.
She said she was hurt and disappointed and we could revisit in 14 days.
I genuinely care about her, as well as one can a month into dating, as she did me with her borderline love bombing. But I haven’t heard anything from her in the 36 hours since I told her I wanted to straighten this out.
How badly did I botch this? It’s not easy being at risk during the era of Rona.
I don’t want to smother her or be an annoyance, but I’d like to fix this, if that’s even possible now.
Any advice given would be wonderful.
TinkerBella
I really don’t think you did anything wrong or offensive. You are high risk and are taking precautions. Maybe what I would have done differently is asked her about being at risk before she left her house to travel to see you. If she sees the value in what you both have for each other, she will agree to see you after the 14 days you proposed. Meanwhile, contact her, keep the communication going, see where she’s at. If she doesn’t come around, then I would see this as a blessing in disguise.
Alice
My opinion is prob unpopular but I’d be upset too if I were her. If you are at-risk and trying to be cautious then you should have had this conversation with her prior to going on your first date. Maybe you told her you were at-risk but if you were going to feel so strongly about it, then you should have discussed boundaries prior. Instead you kissed her in the park, and then moved fwd with making more plans with her, only then to tell her right as the date was going to happen that you had concerns.
I’d be really turned off by this. If you’re at-risk and want to create strict boundaries, that is completely fine. It doesn’t sound like you did this though. Instead, you started the boundaries later and made them super important after already being exposed to her with the kiss.
Maybe there is information we don’t fully have, but I’d be really confused by a guy who did this to me and I’d pull way back too. I’d also feel like he was using corona to create space between us instead of just saying he doesn’t like me. If you are going to date during corona you need to be very clear about your expectations. To some extent, why even date if you’re going to have to social distance, etc while doing so?
If you really like her and are genuine in your feelings then it sounds like you need to clear up the misunderstanding. I wouldn’t expect her to stop living her life though just for you since your relationship with her is still new. If a guy told me he couldn’t be around me for 14days if I was socializing with my family, friends, etc then I’d tell him “this probably isn’t going to work for me”.
mama
People are making good points — I’d probably think something similar, like why didn’t you figure all of this out BEFORE we made plans!?! (And honestly, why didn’t you? Lesson learned, I guess: She feels hurt, exposed because she felt obligated to share dating info that you should not be privy to at this time and probably feels rejected after that and that you probably aren’t being honest with her about why you’re rejecting her/putting her on pause.)
I don’t know if making an attempt to work things out right now would help because you sound a little passive aggressive when talking about her “borderline love bombing”. You are obviously hurt and the virus comes in handy as an excuse, but the bottom line is you sound hurt and are poking with the comments about her (i.e., “love bombing”).
You could apologize again if you want (I don’t think it will help), but after that, maybe just give yourself and her some space — for you to soothe your ego a bit, and for her to cool off with being annoyed/hurt. When you think you are in a place to not make those kinds of comments and are over the hurt (a minor hurt, but it’s affecting your behaviour so it’s significant enough to note) then reach out in a kind way that is reminiscent of your connection.
There’s my two cents for free! ;)
Steve
I appreciate all the feedback.
Mama, my ego isn’t hurt, I’m the one who screwed up by having poor communication. I said the borderline love bombing comment because that is what was going on, she literally went from saying things like “you’re so perfect to me” to writing everything off.
As an update, I told her I wanted to straighten this out. She didn’t reply, so I’m just letting things go. There is a line between being assertive and just being a pest to someone who doesn’t want to talk to you anymore.
I’ll halt all dating, romance etc until they find a vaccine for the virus. I simply can’t risk an expensive hospital stay.
I appreciate everyone’s perspective. Thank you.
Alice
Steve, you did the right thing by saying you wanted to straighten it all out. It’s all you can really do at this point. If she wants to talk to you to clear it up, she will respond.
You’re not a bad guy for wanting to be cautious. You just have to work on the communication in the future. No one is perfect, so don’t beat yourself up about it.
For the record, if this had happened to me and you reached out wanting to resolve it I would respond if the connection was as strong as you said it was. People make mistakes and this isn’t a deal breaker. Hope she gets back to you but if not I wish you the best.
Lane
This is a good example of how saying or doing the wrong thing, at the wrong time, can instantly halt a ladies attraction if its still early in the getting to know you process.
I agree with others in that your timing was super bad. I would be really peeved if a guy I barely knew not only sprung this on me, at the last minute but then interrogated me as to who I might have kissed or spent time with too, would have been the death knell.
I highly doubt you will hear from her again because you’re not in a position to date her anyway, so she probably see’s no need to continue something that can’t be continued. Maybe in the future, when there’s a vaccine you can reach out and try again as this bad memory may have faded enough for her to give you another shot if she’s still single?
Steve
Update:
First I want to say I appreciate everyone’s feedback.
She never replied to my last texts Saturday night, three days ago, saying I wanted to straighten everything out. I will never badger anyone, the world is too full of people who don’t respect boundaries already so I have not followed up on that text.
What’s odd is she was viewing my Instagram stories and yesterday liked a Facebook post. Which I found confusing since she refuses to answer my aforementioned texts. I just deleted her off social media to avoid any awkwardness.
I’ve learned me lesson on clear communication, thanks to your replies and help for contributing to it.
It means a lot.
Be safe, be well.
Steve
Learned MY* lesson, not me lesson. I’m not a Pirate aye.
Autocorrect dislikes me.
Angel
@Steve, what are you trying to achieve? Is it to ‘forget and move on’ or leave the door open and reconnect after you both have had time to take some perspective? If the former – I agree with the blocking from social media. If the latter – this is another thing that may raise her guard back up. The fact she looked at and liked your social media a few days after you wrote could indicate that the initial negative reaction may have subsided and she was perhaps more open to picking things up again. You blocking her may have signalled to her you do not want to hear from her etc – so more confusion piling up. Bottom line, if I were you and I wanted to reconnect, I would leave it some time and then would reach out making reference to both the great connection you had and recognizing there were a few hiccups on the way. If still no reaction, then you know you have done your utmost and can move on with peace of mind. Nobody is a perfect psychologist so I know it’s hard to get things right all the time when the connection is so fresh. So, unless you are done with the situation as it is now, I would just leave it a bit of time and reach out with a vibe which would let her know that you care for her. Good luck.
Steve
Angel thank you for your reply.
One of my close female friends pointed out to me that if the connection was as strong as my date, K, claimed the weeks we were talking before and after our prior date, that she wouldn’t have just flat ignored my texts to try and fix things for four days unless she was doing the silent treatment punishment, which psychologists say is a form of abuse.
So either I was getting the silent treatment or K was done with me (and just randomly liked a pic) so I cut to the chase and text her yesterday that I had been hopeful we could work things out but given her ghosting it was apparent she did not share my sentiment, and wished her well.
Did I want this to end? No. But it did. I have no ill will towards her, I hope she finds all she seeks.
Alice
hmmmm i probably would have waited a couple weeks before unfriending her. sometimes people need time to cool off and since you two don’t know each other very well that may have been what she needed.
I agree, leaving you on “read” from the text you sent wasn’t cool but sometimes people have to really think things over before they can come back to the conversation.
If you didn’t hear from her for two weeks (I mean directly, not liking posts or following stories) then it would be fair to delete since at that point she’s just creeping on your social media and not making an effort to engage.
Sounds like you’re over whatever was there though because by deleting her you’re definitely signaling it’s done.
Steve
Alice thank you for your reply.
I agree with your insight. My friend Lisa summed it up perfectly when she said a text reply takes two seconds, whether someone is upset, ego bruised or whatnot.
I will never badger anyone, I stated once I wanted to sort out the mess, K started ghosting for days, which told me she didn’t want to or the aforementioned silent treatment.
Neither of which are really fixable, so I moved on.
Again I appreciate all the advice. I will continue to seek to improve my communication skills and send anyone of my friends who need good, judgment free advice to these forums.
Alice
Steve, if you’re good with where it all ended that’s all the matters. At the end of the day, you know the situation better than all of us and if your gut is telling you to let it all go then you should listen.
Again, I don’t leave men on “read” for days that I’m interested in. I’d say most women don’t do that who are genuinely interested in forming a relationship with someone.
Steve
Alice I wouldn’t say I’m good with it. I oddly feel a little sad, which isn’t the norm for me after a month of dating and talking.
But I have accepted it. She’s not coming back .
Lesson learned on communication.
Steve
An update:
Around 11:45 Sunday night she text out of the blue:
“I know it’s late, and I’m sorry.
Just wanted you to know you’ve been on my mind a lot, but I wasn’t sure what to say. I’ve missed you as well and hope you had a good fourth.
Wishing you all the best. The world is your oyster.”I really didn’t know how to take that, wanting to talk and work things out? Or, based on the last two sentences, a goodbye? Plus I was still irritated by the 8 days of ghosting after I offered to fix things.
So I replied Monday afternoon:
“That was random after a week.
And I can’t tell if that is a “goodbye” or a “let’s talk”.She hasn’t replied, I’m back on read again. I just don’t think we’re on the same wavelength at this point, especially communication wise.
Thank you to the people who posted and offered insight. Nothing but good vibes sent your way.
Alice
Steve, at first I was bummed for you that this new beginning fell apart because of the lack of communication but now I’m thinking you dodged a bullet.
This girl left you on read and then became a zombie and came back from the dead. She sounds immature at this point. You did the right thing and offered to clear the air and talk and she became a ghost.
If she wanted to reach out to you, she should have said she was sorry for disappearing and after some thought wanted to talk things out. Instead she sends you some random mixed signal text and when you respond, leaves you on read again?!?! She’s not someone I’d recommend pursuing at this point. So yea, you dodged a bullet. I feel like she just wants you to chase her and you shouldn’t have to do that when you already offered to clear the air and she has yet to even respond to that offer!
I say, NEXT!
Anon
Agree with Alice. She was bored and texted you, and she’s playing games. Both red flags and bad communication as you said. I’d not respond to her again as I’m sure you’ll get another text when she’s looking for attention.
Gaia
I think you are putting too much investment on 1 date. If you have to “work things out” because they went so badly on the second date then it doesn’t bode well for a future relationship. It seems like you are looking at it as a relationship and it isn’t even one yet. She could be busy with life, friends, family, doing her own thing and possibly dating other people. She has no reason to text/call/communicate with you daily since you are not her boyfriend- just a guy she went on 1 date with who bailed during the second date.
She probably texted because in that moment she was thinking about you. Don’t read so much into it. Usually women do this thinking there is some double meaning. Maybe, just maybe, she meant exactly what she said in the moment it was said.
redcurleysue
No loss here. Be upfront in the future.
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