A guy that haunted me is in my circle of friends


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  • #872296 Reply
    Essie

    I got into a casual affair with a guy called Kev*. It started by him suggesting that we just have a fling since I wasn’t interested in a committed relationship. We just had sex and hangouts with friends and it was okay for me. In fact, there were never dates, gifts, romantic texting, or words. One day, he introduced me as his girlfriend to one of his friends. I confronted him about it and he said that he thought that I was his girlfriend. In fact, one of his friends called me his wife. I later realized that he had told his friends, family & acquaintances that I was his girlfriend. Overwhelmed by the realization of a FWB taking me to be his girlfriend without my consent, I ended things immediately. But that’s when things took a turn for the worst.
    He would call & text constantly. He would force himself into my house. At one point, I had to hold onto a knife. At another point, he bribed the caretaker to be allowed into the apartment. I decided to move to another apartment but he hunted me down. He made it clear that only death would separate us. The stalking & emotional abuse affected me, so I sought police intervention and he backed off. However, whenever we meet on the road, he approaches me and tells me how much he misses me, but I ask him to back off or I call the police.
    Now, the complexity is that we share the same circle of friends. Kev is also part of the circle. I have not hung out with them for a while because of the issue with Kev. I talk to them on the phone. They have reached out and told me how much they miss me. Last week, they invited me for a hangout and we had so much fun. They are usually there for me. On the last hangout, one concerned friend told me that Kev was all over me. Also, the same friend said something that I had only told Kev. On imploring, I realized that Kev had sent screenshots of our private conversations more than once. All of a sudden, I am mad at Kev and I want to confront him for sharing private details with some friends. I don’t even think that I can stand his sight during the next hangout.
    I reconnected with my friends because I had missed them. by the way, they believe that Kev acted that way out of love. I’m wondering if I should cut off my friends for Kev? Or should I keep them but avoid Kev when hanging out?
    On one side, there is this guy who made my life a living hell after rejection to the point where I had to seek police protection. On the other side, there is this fun group of friends. I don’t make friends easily. I have cut off friends before for various reasons. In fact, 2 months ago, I cut off my best friend for gossiping me. It’s never easy to cut off friends that you share life with. I have talked a lot but I wanted to put everything on the table so that you can give me your opinions on my situation. Thanks in advance.

    #872314 Reply
    Ewa

    I don’t know what sort of friends you have, this guy called Kev doesn’t seem normal and the fact that they accepted his behaviour towards you and are still friends with him is a bit worrying… he acted out of love? sorry but he is not mentally stable , love has nothing to do with that…
    I personally would not want to be friends with them but that is your choice.

    #872339 Reply
    tammy

    well you cant make your friends choose. and it seems that they either cant undrstand the magnitude of what your going through or they simply think that’s between you and kev. and they would rather stay neutral and be friends with both of you.

    its your call entirely whether you want to stay in touch with these friends. i don’t see any harm though. we are social beings and need company of other people to enjoy life. but that said, you need to make it clear that whenever kev joins the meetups, you will stay away to avoid any stress.

    #872348 Reply
    Erin

    I think you should formally file for a restraining order, this guy is really bad news and he’s unstable and you have enough grounds to do that. That way you can not mix and mingle under any circumstances and you feel safe.

    And distance yourself from this group of friends, they’re just as delusional as Kev. People like Kev tend to win over people in your life that you’ll look like a liar to people.

    #872401 Reply
    Padmini

    Hi, Essie,

    I am really sorry that you are stuck in this dilemma. I know that it really must be very difficult.

    I am in quite a similar situation with my cousins. I have always avoided one cousin, whom I have disowned a very long while back for a very good reason. So I avoid the annual cousins’ get-together; as that cousin behaved unacceptably towards me; and the rest of my cousins do not really know what happened. I really do not want to tell the rest of my cousins what happened; so they have not understood why I never attend the get-togethers.

    You, however, have the advantage that your friends pretty much know what happened; and from what I know, you do not really have a problem clarifying the matters. I get the feeling that you find it disconcerting that your friends believe that Kev acted that way out of love. So I feel that you could completely clarify all the thoughts and feelings you find necessary. It sounds like he has been brainwashing them; which you can remedy. Then you could give them the ultimatum of continuing to be friends and thus not allow Kev to discuss you with them or bring him up in any outings you have with them; or to part ways. You really sound like you have healthy boundaries. Good luck!

    #872432 Reply
    Essie

    @Ewa…thanks for your opinion. I also didn’t understand why my friends couldn’t see that the manipulation wasn’t love.

    @tammy…I appreciate your opinion.
    That’s what I’m trying to decide, on if I should stay or leave.

    @Erin…thanks for your opinion. You are right, this guy is bad news, he gave me hell and I should stay away from him. It will just be difficult to cut off those friends.

    @Padmini…I appreciate your story and opinion. I really don’t feel like hanging out where the guy is. And I know that my friends will not put Kev aside coz of the friendship bond. I think that I should make the hard decision of walking away from the group. Maybe I can maintain some form of phone contact and meet with a friend on an individual level, I don’t know if this will be better.

    #873072 Reply
    Lane

    You wrote: “he bribed the caretaker to be allowed into the apartment” I find it interesting you used the same term “caretaker” as the “My friend was Assaulted” post. Newbie is onto it too.

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