a total dumpster fire

just for some context, i’m pretty socially anxious and more reserved, so i don’t date often. i’m curious about any reflection others may have on this situation – less about this guy, but moreso advice / observations on my actions. i know i have some stuff to work through and it’d be great to pinpoint those areas. sorry it’s lengthy

so there’s a guy i’ve known of for a while since a young age, but we didn’t connect until we were both adults. we’re both involved in our local music scene. back last summer, i connected with him on instagram right before meeting him at a show he was playing at. it was a fun night for sure. he messaged the morning after asking if we’d meet again

i eventually asked him out for coffee. i thought this would be about 1 hour tops, but we bar hopped. we talked for a long time, held hands and kissed. he said he never thought we’d go out together because i seemed too cool for him. which was funny because i felt that way towards him

he asked to see me again for a 2nd date and i started wondering if the first date was too much. our dinner was going fine until we were saying bye to each other. i started shaking and repeating “sorry” over and over. he took my hands and asked what i was sorry for. i just said sorry again. get this. after we kissed i blurted out “do you see me platonically?” out of pure nervousness. obviously he was dumbfounded saying he wouldn’t kiss someone he viewed platonically.

i got really embarrassed and thought i messed the whole thing up, so i basically messaged him the next morning telling him i couldn’t see him because i was too anxious. he said he was bummed out, he liked spending time with me and to reach out if i ever changed my mind.

i did end up reaching out and he said he wanted to continue seeing each other.

this is where it gets really messy. we did see each other for a few more dates and i was trying so hard to control my anxiety that i didn’t really let my true feelings show.

he came clean eventually and said that since i broke things off, he had felt differently – that he took time to process what happened. things got turned around so quick and he didn’t want to string anything along he wasn’t confident in. it made me quite sad, but i saw it coming, so i felt and told him i was relieved that it was done, i was sorry for running away, he was a great person nonetheless and wished him the best.

i felt relieved that it was over with since i would no longer worry about a rug being pulled from under me. that was what was making me so anxious. i thought about him still, but basically ignored his existence. i have this thing where if a romance doesn’t work with someone, they become strangers in my eyes. not because i don’t think their friendship is valuable, but because it properly puts the connection to rest.

immediately after my response to him, i think he did what you call orbiting on my social media. i noticed, but i didn’t want to think about it. after a month passed, he reached out. he said he “found himself missing me still” and asked to hang out more casually. i’m sorry, but i had no idea what that meant, so i asked him to clarify. he said we could spend time together sharing what we both liked doing.

i didn’t know if that meant casually dating or be friends. i should have asked further. honestly i should’ve just ignored the message completely hahah

i saw him at another one of his shows. he asked me to hang out the upcoming weekend for a movie. when the weekend rolled around, he messaged to confirm it and i just flat out said that i don’t do casual. he started floundering and said that he didn’t mean casual sex and to hang out as friends, nothing romantic or sexual – just to spend time together. i said “strictly platonic?” and he responded with “platonic unless it leads to something romantic” “it would be a relationship nurtured if so”

we went to the movie and i was just feeling weird being there with him. it went relatively okay, but there was some tension. i think it was due to my embarrassment for being friend-zoned when he reached out and not being fully aware of it, even if it was obvious

after that i didn’t ask him to hang out or anything because i kind of wanted to forget the whole thing. on social media, i posted a design for a local music app just for fun and he asked about it until volunteering himself to help me out with it. he suggested we get together to brainstorm

we met up and it was cool to get some quality feedback. we were really into it trying to come up with ideas. he’d sometimes message ideas and it was alright until it wasn’t. i eventually told him i couldn’t do the app – just trying to get out of being in close proximity to him.

but when i ended that, he asked me to design his tour posters for him. trying not to be rude, i agreed. i continued to make this same mistake.

i found that this was starting to get out of hand and i wanted to make it stop, so i asked him to go for cake a couple weeks ago. he was enthusiastic and said he’d been wondering when we would hang next. it was probably the first time i got comfortable and the closest to being myself since our first date – because i knew it was coming to an end ahah nothing to lose if you know what to expect. it was a good time because we were both acting ridiculous. we got talking about flirting and i said that i can’t tell when people flirt with me. he said “i know. i was laying the moves on you hard our first two dates.” lol just roasting me in the cake shop i almost threw my cake at him. i said “if i like someone i usually just tell him directly” he said “you should do that. i think most people appreciate that” and i followed up with “if someone likes me i just need them to tell me.” and he went “oh i will.”

i knew after that comment that i couldn’t keep doing what i was doing and decided to tell him how i felt in a message afterwards – with the intent of ending it once and for all. he told me he liked being around me, found me super sweet, but didn’t know what he was feeling. we expressed how we didn’t want to step over each other’s boundaries. i said that we shouldn’t hang out and that was that. i later sent him a message that i was creating distance, it was nothing personal and deleted him off of everything. unfortunately i still have to help him with his posters, but that’s the only form of interaction we have.

i’m looking forward to it being zero. i’d rather forget the whole thing ever happened lol i’m horribly embarrassed. i felt like i couldn’t be a good friend to him as well. it was just a nightmare soup. i do genuinely wish him the best though i don’t think he’s a bad guy – he just didn’t feel the same