Absolutely baffled! Advice appreciated please.

So to me, as a woman, when a guy tells me about a “crazy” girl, who acted “crazy”, it’s now 100% a red flag that the guy has issues with communication. So I kind of appreciate that their EX didn’t just fade off quietly into the sunset when they were treated like garbage.

Also, personally, my idea of “crazy” is actually being insane. Like going over with a baseball bat and destroying his car. Trying to get closure via a text, even if it goes for a couple of lines too long is not crazy; seeking closure or an answer is very NORMAL behavior.

So no, women, when you try and speak to a guy who ghosted you or is fading or being sketchy, that puts you nowhere near the realm of crazy. If you are actually into a guy and serious about him, and he disappears, the only women that would not care/want answers are sociopaths.

Look at what we women put up with when we turn down a guy. Talk about crazy, how many of us have been verbally abused online when we turn a guy down? Ever felt the need to have a friend at your house when you broke up with a boyfriend? If this guy thinks you are crazy for a couple of texts asking him what happened…. he has issues.

Heather, there’s a huge difference between “dating” and being in an actual relationship that’s developed into a progressive quasi-commitment that’s developed to the point a couple makes it into a formal commitment (engagement/marriage). This takes a lot of TIME, not a few months but in my opinion a good solid two (2) – three (3) years to get to each other well enough to determine if you BOTH (key word) have what it takes to pass the test of time.

I have NEVER been ‘ghosted” as I HATE that word because it was initially coined as the UNMARRIED version of “MARITAL ABANDONMENT” (legal term); whereas a couple has intertwined their lives like a married couple but one ups and disappears without a peep never to be seen or heard from again! That’s “GHOSTING” and if you don’t meet that threshold then you weren’t ghosted! This man simply stopped dating her BEFORE a relationship or even quasi-commitment had fully developed or been established which is what dating’s about and one’s needs to know there’s a VERY HIGH RISK of that happening when engaging in this activity. If you can’t handle the risk of a guy no longer wanting to date/court you, then don’t engage in dating.

In her case, they had not formed a bond that was strong enough to endure the test of time, that’s it in a nutshell! They were BOTH FREE to end it for whatever reason whereas he could have been dating two other ladies and chose another. Unfortunately today dropping completely off the radar has becoming more commonplace than before because it EASIER than having to confront the person, especially if its a woman. Woman in most cases (there are thousands of “how to get him back” posts on here) REFUSES to accept its over and goes into ‘convincing mode’ instead of saying “I’m sorry it didn’t work out between us and wish you luck in life and love” OR stepping back to see if he naturally steps back in or not…if he does GREAT, if not, NEXT! This is the ATTITUDE (tough skin) you have to have if you’re going to engage in the dating game. I had gotten to this point too BTW because of the ‘backlash’ I received when trying to end it formally! It’s become a case of “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” where most have taken the “damned if I do” stance and now forgo it just to avoid the drama.

Don’t you believe his REAL REASONS for disappearing were negative? People don’t leave or drop someone like this for positive reasons, they leave because it wasn’t working for them in the way they need it too in order to continue. Thing is, those negative attributes that kept him from continuing will be positive one’s for the RIGHT guy and that’s the guy who will stick around and naturally want to be with you…until such point they may not down the road—-that’s the risk of falling in love!

Anon, look at what women have done when a guy tells them “I don’t want to continue…” Text/call bomb, show up at their door/work, online stalking, coming here trying to ‘get them back’ at any and all cost even when they ended it with them nicely and formerly. Nope, they are still unable accept it’s OVER and hell bent on ‘getting him back’ then do what we ALL tell them NOT to do and wonder why their blocked or ignored! If you’ve been on the receiving end of this a few times wouldn’t you be less inclined or reluctant to tell them ‘its over” if you’ve been victimized by doing it the nice way? Until you’ve been on the receiving end, or walked in their shoes, you won’t understand WHY both men and women have opted to take this approach over the other (with notice), especially in the early stages of dating (under 6 months) which is when majority of this takes place.

FYI, your beliefs, standards or ways of doing things are not right for everyone else or every situation. They can do it the way they want to or need to based on their own personal reasons for doing so of which he MAY have gone through hell doing it ‘your way’ and decided this was the best method for HIM. There’s no law, crime or penalty for a man to stop dating a lady without giving her any formal notice so it would be BEST for those who are going to date in TODAY’s day and age to ACCEPT this has become the ‘new norm’ instead of trying to implement or enforce a certain behavior or standard on people you have zero control over.

You can greatly reduce the chances of someone stalking you if you set a clear end to things. If you think the woman (or man) might be irrational, send the message, then block them on social media, your phone etc. But do tell them.

I don’t consider it to be ghosting if someone blocks you after telling you it’s over. So you can easily prevent that drama AND give the person the benefit of closure, just by saying it is over, then blocking, versus just blocking.

I did once end things with a guy- and I know what you are talking about. He threatened me, he threatened to kill himself. I don’t see where ghosting would have made that situation any better. Someone that deranged isn’t going to allow ghosting to stop the stalking.

And if it is the new norm, and the alternative for people like all of us who hate ghosting is to opt out, gonna be a real shallow dating pool. Men are as sick of it as women are. It’s been a while since I’ve been ghosted because I put in my profile “I can’t deal with people with the mentality that no response is a response- it’s just inefficent” – I think it weeds out that mentality.

Ok, so its disrespectful! Now what are YOU going to do to end it and make everyone on this planet be quote “respectful” and enforce ALL people, male and female, who actively date to formally end it by telling the other party WHY they are ending it????

What can you or the OP do???? NOTHING! You nor she has ZERO CONTROL to make or force him to call, text or date her again—if you did then you and she would be breaking the law if it bordered on harassment! Scream or throw a tantrum all you want about him being “disrespectful” but those who engage in it DON”T CARE and if they don’t care then nothing you say is going to change it; however changing your understanding of how things happen in the REAL WORLD helps to not get your panties all wadded up over things you have zero control over, especially when it comes to a VOLUNTARY activity such as ‘dating.’

Haha Wow, I dunno.It’s all in your wording, keep it chill and concerned….

I might post “Hey, tried to text and call, hope you are OK. Do you want your stuff back?”

If I saw that on a guys FB, my reaction would be, oh man, he ghosted on her, what a jerk. And, what about that makes it crazy? She’s trying to communicate something of value, exhausted her options and this was her last shot.

He did have the right to stop dating her, but should have informed her of their change in status. Maybe he’ll shoot the next girl a text to avoid potential drama. Alternatively, you could call his mom and act concerned. “Gee, haven’t heard from Ed in two weeks, he’s not answering his phone. Is he OK?”

“If you can’t accept rejection than don’t date.”

The problem is he DID NOT reject her, he GHOSTED her. It’s two different things. Rejection is telling someone “I reject you” or “I don’t want to see you any more”, and absolutely, the best way to handle that is to walk away. And the person who takes the time to end things should not be harassed- they need their decision respected. I’d never go back or reach out to someone who ended things, not even for an explanation.

I’ve never actually resorted to any of these things, I just think it would be funny. Like dang, I’d be embarrassed if my mom knew I ghosted a guy I dated for 4 months. And when guys start talking about crazy women, I usually bring up communication and they always 100% look uncomfortable. Like, dude, you know you ghosted or faded and that’s why she went off, so you earned that rage. I’d love to see it as a check box on dating apps- do you ghost? and gotta wonder how many dates ghosters would get LMAO.

Also, two guys that I thought ghosted me- one actually died, the other was in a near fatal car wreck. So I do not always equate “non answer” with rejection, I equate it with catastrophe.

I don’t know in which world we live when we think that ghosting is normal. No, it’s not. If it would be 1-2 dates and a guy (or girl) stops to initiate more and goes quiet – fine, it’s called dating. But after constant communication and dates it’s plain rude. In this topic it was 4 months close communication, promises were given etc.. it is not ok just to vanish without a word!

I recently experienced something similar – not ghosting, but slow fade out. A guy with whome we had amazing communication 6 months, I was introduced to family, promises were given, plans were made, im in love and I want to be with you, I want to work it out was mutually said, just changed his mind basically overnight and started to back off without talking it out with me. And he is actually so good in communicating and I still would like to think a normal person. I really don’t understand what went through in his mind – did he really expect that I won’t notice and have a questions? Slightly better than ghosting, but basically the same. If you have been involved with someone that long and intensively, how can you even think that another person doesn’t deserve explanation? Damn, deal with the drama and those questions, if it was you who changed your mind – how can you expect that a person who has been dumped won’t have those questions if it was you who took things so far to made another person to believe it’s a “real” thing?

However, dramas to dramas – I strongly believe it’s ok to say and show to another person that you got hurt. Because it’s true. But posting through social media and calling mom/friends it’s already another step further and goes at least to “slightly crazy” categorie.

Ghosting is not ok in relationship which has been intense and where were promises given (doesn’t even matter was it weeks, months or years).

“In this situation they sound like weekend sex buddies and not a real couple with integrated lives.”

Except for the part where he texted her constantly during the week, clearly enjoying more from her than just sex. I have a few casual sex buddies and we don’t text constantly during the week, talk about how our feelings are progressing etc. We know enough to keep distance. We also agreed ghosters are garbage and won’t ghost each other, but understand life gets busy and messy.

This guy was taking friendship and emotional support from her, not just sex. Sure he may have thrown a few signs her way, but you know, when he sees she isn’t getting the hint, it’s time to end things and reject her.

In no way, shape or form did the OP do anything to deserve this.

And I do bet in this situation that *maybe* this guy really did not know how to end things. But people need to understand that for a lot of people, especially sensitive ones, ones that over-think, silence is the most painful course of action and can feel like abuse.

I’m an overthinker. I date a guy for 4 months, and he broke up with me because he wanted kids. It took me a day or two to get past it, sure I missed him, but I didn’t think about. It was cut and dry- can’t have kids= not a good fit for a guy who wants kids.

I dated a guy for about the same time frame, and he ghosted me, and I have no idea what was wrong. We had been dating regularly, had a date planned, not big texters, but seeing each other 2-3 times a week. Very positive dates. I stewed on that for a long time. The first of it was actually worry. I did google him in case he had died. Then I was just confused and overthought every aspect of that relationship about what I did or said.

So if you are thinking about ghosting- person 1 took 24 hours to get past. Person 2 took a good month to get past, and get back on my feet to even think about dating again.

I think at some point society needs to evolve.
Today, it is very easy to communicate, so to end something (or tell someone you don’t want to see them), requires little more than a text. Back in the day, it was harder because you had to get them on the phone or see them in person. I can imagine back then, many men and women were hurt when people disappeared. It’s human nature. No one likes rejection, verbal or non-verbal.

But now we have a tool that can make information sharing very low effort and impersonal. As low effort and impersonal as most of our relationships. So when Overinvested Stan asks Undeinvested Karen out on a Saturday night, it takes Karen 15 seconds to decline and let Stan know not to ask again. It’s so stupid easy. I did it 3 times this week.

Men and women do accept casual relationships- and I know a good handful of those that did become more. Being on the same page is great. And no one should ever be shocked when the “guy just looking for casual” chooses to bail 3 months in. Heck, the gal looking for committed may do the same thing. This is dating, it’s to be expected. We are learning about each other- sometimes what we learn doesn’t work. But now, today, we have a tool that lets us communicate an end to something with little effort. Susan doesn’t have to go to his house. Ed doesn’t have to try and call 5 times.

It’s really just a courtesy. Like cancelling if you can’t make a date. I don’t see why it’s so hard for someone *who is casual* just to say “oh, yeah, I can’t hang out anymore, good luck” when his buddy texts to get together. Yeah, sometimes people go off, but today, you just block them after delivering the news. You never have to experience the emotional breakdown.

So yes, I get that in the past it was different as it required more effort and more exposure to end something. But it’s just not like that anymore.

Because in the REAL WORLD not ALL endings are or were breakups! A breakup is when a formal relationship took place, dating is not! Dating and a relationship have two very distinctive meanings and intentions and need to stop trying to group them together!

A man is under NO OBLIGATION to date a woman!!!! It is a VOLUNTARY request for one to do so and if he decided he no longer wants to see a woman again, then why should he have to tell her WHY he chooses not to if nothing ever materialized from it (ended before a relationships was formed)? It’s HIS MONEY on the line, not yours, and if he no longer wants to spend it on you that’s his prerogative (right to do so).

This is the problem with WOMEN in general…they are under some kind of illusion that they are OWED something, such as a relationship, just because some guy takes them on some dates! What did you offer the man other than some conversation or maybe your body??? If you think going on a date with a guy is doing him some kind of huge favor when they aren’t even looking for a relationship or thinking about marriage, just some temporary fun time, then good luck keeping that one around!

People are under no legal or moral obligation to formerly end things with other people when they are no longer interested in doing so. Would you call up a babysitter and ask them to babysit again if you were unhappy with them after a few times? No, you would call up another babysitter who MAY be better fit for you, and then another if they don’t work out either. You are under no obligation to call a babysitter back and tell them WHY you no longer want to use them again! Most people would be THANKFUL they don’t have to have that conversation especially if the babysitter didn’t call asking ‘when can I babysit for you again” and you have to tell then they basically suck. This IS the essence of dating! Sometimes you find a good match early but in many cases you don’t and if you can’t handle a men not asking you out on a date again without telling you WHY every single time—then don’t date and your problem will be solved!