Accidentally Came Across as Needy — Now What??

I understand exactly what he said and its true! The only one responsible for your happiness is you. When you are reliant on others for it it becomes a pretty big burden for them to shoulder which is why it needs to come from multiple sources which is what generates ones overall happiness. The problem I see with you is that you are too romantic, have this hollywood version of love and that is not realistic nor sustainable. This very well could be why he’s pulling back because he’s unsure he can deliver the kind of romantic love you need and require and how much your happiness hinges on that.

The two of you were still in the “honeymoon phase” when everything was easy, new and fun but the ultimate test is how you deal with real life problems, how you mesh in important areas, and how you work together [key word] to solve problems or issues that arise. I’m going to give you a big “F” on this one solely based on the fact that a response, that you didn’t like, escalated into a four hour argument marathon. Sorry but this is far too much for a man to handle and he’s probably still recovering from it! I was married over 20 years, had less than 10 arguments and I don’t think any of them lasted 5 minutes! You get your point across, listen to theirs, come up with a quick solution and move on.

I don’t know if the damage is done or not but he is definitely reassessing if he wants to continue with this relationship or not. If I were you, I would take a step back and get to the root cause of why you need to engage in four hour argument marathons? Seriously, those are break up type arguments, not conversational type arguments that should have been resolved in less than 5 minutes. It could very well that is still in the forefront of his mind, feels like he’s walking on egg shells afraid if he say’s the wrong thing it will turn into another one.

If I were you I would NOT talk about it any further! Give him some space to get over it, don’t argue like that ever again, and take some time to decide if he’s the man who can deliver the type of romantic love you require, as he’s not a Hollywood actor, but a man who has individual needs and goals, outside of the relationship, that he derives happiness from too.

I would be very careful dating a man who is not divorced. It’s rebound territory and he may not even be aware he is doing it. What’s the prognosis of the divorce? I think you may have subconsciously picked up on something he is not forthcoming about. I would absolutely talk about it, but I wouldn’t bring it up now and I would not treat this as a serious relationship until he has been officially divorced for a full year.

Yep. Everything boils down to cost. So how much do you cost? What’s your value?

Sure you will be fine if it doesn’t work out and you are not needy for expressing how you feel. unless you are a careless and emotionless person, that feeling of loss really hurts and if you love someone that much and they don’t feel the same way, and they walk away, it is devestating.

I don’t blame you for wanting someone to be in your life and have a future with. Just take it one day at a time and watch his actions. When he pulls back, you pull back. This guy is probably on the rebound. I know after my 8 year relationship, I was unsure if I wanted to rush into another relationship the pain in separation kept me from wanting to be alone in my bed.

Just be careful.

You sound like you’re on a good path Lizzie. One of the things I would be careful about though is is that, if he chooses to leave the relationship that does not make you a rebound. In today’s world we take a rebound to be anything that doesn’t work if it ends and then they meet someone else and it lasts. To me a rebound is something different than that. It’s clear that no matter what happens between the two of you that while you’ve actually been together he is cared for you very much. He may not want to continue but that could happen in any relationship. So just keep taking care of you and keeping warm to him, letting him get through his stuff, and everything’s gonna be OK

Having ONE or TWO “moments” where you feel vulnerable or anxious with your partner DOES NOT MAKE A WOMAN NEEDY. I think the word is necessary to describe how some women act and push men away – but we call women having occasional emotional events something negative (“needy”) it only disparages the differences between men and women, and women are hysterical and men won’t like it and run away and blah, blah, blah, blah. It’s not okay. And let me tell you something else — if a man is in love with you, and you are 80-90 percent of the time not overly-emotional or anxious — it will not matter a jot. Do you know when it matters? When two people aren’t on the same page. I even think that most well adjusted women only begin to feel anxious or act ‘needy’ when their intuition begins to pick up on the man pulling away – for whatever reason anyway. You did nothing wrong. We are human. Emotions are messy. You’re heart is becoming more invested.

I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting a big love! You may have to make a lot of sacrifices for it, be alone longer than most, maybe get your heart broke a little but IVE HAD a big love and it was the best experience of my life and I will always cherish it no matter what my future holds.

BUT all that being said – I think what’s really going on here is — some unrealistic expectations that THIS man can give you that RIGHT NOW. This man can’t grow some big ole love with you while he’s going through a divorce and custody matters. The two are just not compatible. Ending of a marriage, especially with children, is a loss. A death. And grieving is afoot whether it’s being acknowledged or not. Also I think you sense there is a possibility that he may be in the rebound stage and NEEDS to take time for himself — and that it DOES mean there’s the possibility you could be a rebound. Darling. Of course you could be. That’s the chance you’re taking dating someone in the head and heart space he’s in.

The ONLY real chance you have at this point (and it’s impossible to predict because he may have been NOT EVEN consciously bonding with you only because he needed your partnership for validation and support and diversion and to help him be anesthetized from everything he’s going through AND he’s attracted to you etc…) But the only chance you have is to pull back INTERNALLY. Re-focus on you and stop putting energy into the “us”. “Us” for him may be too tall of an order right now and having to make big promises about deeper commitments such as giving up some of his precious not-having-to-deal-with-a-horrible-divorce-anymore time and give it to you. If he loves you y’all might be able to weather this. Be a soft place for him. See if he steps up. Time will reveal all. Big love can happen when people have freedom and space and aren’t grieving. Get back to you and the girl he fell for. You need to be her with, or without him, anyway.

But if he goes — it will NOT be because you were too “needy” it will be because he was never your forever person in the first place.

I’ve read through the responses about being needy, finding happiness in yourself first, etc. But I’m really surprised no one has focused on the fact you have only been dating this man for 5 MONTHS! And you only became official 2 MONTHS ago! The man isn’t divorced, had only been separated a few months when he asked you out and says he is serious about a long term relationship with you.

You haven’t even been physical together yet. Which I think is a good idea but what if you two aren’t even sexually compatible? You don’t even know!!

You know you overreact to things quickly and are working on it. That’s all you need to say further. Don’t bring up the fight, rehash the fight, worry about whether you looked needy, etc. MOVE ON from it!!

While I agree with everyone you have to find happiness in yourself before you can be happy with anyone else, I’ve had both a miserable relationship with an alcoholic and a happy relationship with my current husband. So anyone who says “No one is happier in a relationship. You’re either a happy person or you’re not and that is relationship agnostic.” I don’t agree. You can be the happiest person in the world and incredibly secure in yourself and marry someone who gaslights you, insults you, blames you for everything that’s wrong in the relationship or is a narcissist who adores you at first and sweeps you off your feet only to tear you down later. You can start questioning your worth, don’t feel as confident as you once were, wonder if you’re being too needy, too insecure, etc.

I’m one of those naturally happy people. I am thankful and grateful for all my blessings and it’s rare I’m ever in a bad mood. I’ve been told I light up a room when I walk in, bring a smile to everyone’s face and have a flair for even making strangers open up and talk. And I’ve had friends, co-workers and complete strangers tell me this! I’m not just talking about romantic partners.

But let me tell you when I was miserable the last year of my marriage and going through my divorce I wasn’t me. It wasn’t until after the divorce was final my friends and family and co-workers started commented about how they were so glad I was back. How my smile just lit up the office and made everyone enjoy coming to work (I was the boss) and when it was missing this place wasn’t the same. So if a relationship can make you miserable then it can also make you happy!!! Therefore I disagree with what some on here have said.

Lastly, most people don’t start to grow apart in their marriage after only 3 years. I would think the fact he hasn’t been married very long to be a big red flag. And what do you really think the odds are that the first woman he dates post his divorce is going to turn into a long term relationship and a BIG love…possibly marriage? My guess would be slim to none. Sorry, but most people are the rule not the exception.