Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Accused Me Of Pre-Cheating
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AngieBaby.
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Leelee
Hi,
Not sure where to start, but my fiance of 2 months looked at me the other night and said,”you’re going to cheat aren’t you.” I looked at him and said no, of course not. Are you?” he said never, that he loved me.When I asked him about it the next day, he begged me to not make a big deal, that he was only joking. but I’m definitely upset and confused…
Should I be?
Newbie
I would let it go. Unless he is really insecure and does this all the time. If you know your fiancee well enough you should be able to know if its a joke or not. I and my bf can make jokes about that just fine. Well not the same but like that. And its always funny to us. But i cant tell your chemistry
AngieBaby
That’s a yellow flag. Doesn’t sound like a joke to me. Leave it alone for now, but if he says something like that again, it’s cause for real concern and you will need to ask him what’s going through his mind. Unfortunately when people talk like that, they are the ones who are going to cheat or are cheating.
Raven
Yup, he’s projecting something…
Lane
I wouldn’t make a big deal deal about it and just let it go unless he brings it up again. Have you ever cheated or has he cheated or been cheated? He could have had a flash back and it just popped out? Was there a TV show or someone he knows who recently suffered from infidelity that may have spurred him to question you like that out of the blue? Maybe he was testing you to see how you would react? Has he done that before?
I would make a “mental note” but not bring it up again unless he does. If not, chalk it up to small case of pre-wedding jitters. If he does, then you need to get to the root/source of why he keeps thinking about it or believes you will because trust me you don’t want to spend your life having to constantly defend yourself for something you’ve never done or won’t do.
Leelee
Like many of us he was cheated on. And has cheated. He knows I cheated on my ex back in 2018. The same day he said he would not introduce me to his kids, which I said was a prerequisite to getting married.
ALSO the same day, as we drove home, I looked over at the bumper of a car stopped next to us at a red light. I stared because it’s the same dent by sister had and my mind wandered to her car and whatnot. He says to me “why are you staring at that man? You stare at men don’t you…” then before I could answer he put his head down, whispering, “don’t ruin this…”
That shocked me. Then he says that cheating thing then how he isn’t introducing me to his kids. All in one day. I’m overwhelmed and confused. Things were good befor this…
Liz Lemon
Wait, you’re engaged to be married but have not even met his kids yet?
How long have you been dating? How old are you both?
His behavior in the car (if you’re describing it accurately) sounds borderline nutty, I’m sorry. Something seems very off here. But mostly I find it really strange that you are supposedly engaged to be married and have not met his children yet. Don’t you think you need to meet and establish a relationship with his kids before you can even consider something like marriage?
Lane
OK, that information would have been much more helpful in knowing how to respond.
I’m absolutely shocked he wouldn’t introduce you to his kids and have not met them by now? What is his reason? Are you suppose to be his closet wife; one that he takes out only when his kids aren’t around? Is he using them as some form of bargaining chip to keep you compliant?
I would pull way back and seriously re-think this situation. We don’t know him so it would be difficult for us to address his behavior especially with so much cheating going on both sides. There are clearly a lot of unresolved trust and infidelity issues going on that need to be solved before you say “I do.”
I do believe this needs to addressed and not shoved under the rug. Maybe pre-marital counseling will help as its clear neither of you have the skills to properly communicate or navigate problems and issues that arise.
Newbie
Got to love the posts where the original question is just the tip of the iceberg. Well he isnt a jokester, thats clear now. If he doesnt want his kids to meet his new wife, i can guarantee there are other crazy issues you havent mentioned here.
At this point i would be concerned about post the comments and the kidsElvira
He sounds extremely insecure and jealous. This is not a good sign and you two have already divulged information on your past infidelity’s which is just more icing on the cake. I agree that you need to really consider if this is the person you want to marry. Not only is he displaying insecure behavior he is also foretelling what you will do to hurt him. He is being manipulative, maybe not on purpose but because of his low self esteem he will most likely drive you to have an affair and himself as well. Counseling is a good idea if you feel he has the potential to over come this, however the fact he is not introducing you to his kids is also a concern. Does he feel you are not “worthy” until you are married? What was his reasoning behind it? Why would he want to marry someone he has no idea would get along with his children? Or is he using marriage as a tool to keep you in line with “she wont cheat on me if we are going to marry”?
Liz Lemon
LOL @ Newbie! Spot on as always!
AngieBaby
Elvira nailed it.
Men rarely completely get over being cheated on, that’s my experience.
And you’re not meeting the kids?? Sorry, but it’s time to put the engagement on ice to give him time to get with a therapist and see if he can deal with the trauma issues he’s still got over God knows what.
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