Actions vs words

Hi. He says all this stuff to warn you that he is not really that into you and if he met someone else ( which he obviously is thinking about/looking for ) then he will be gone.

If your ” relationship” has been spanning 2 years, that is plenty of time to make an actual commitment or plan for a future with you, not vague promises that he “takes back” with the scared to commit crap. Also after 2 years,he is vacationing with his friends and not you? NO to that. A weekend with the guys maybe,but vacation time. No to that…
This guy is wasting your time. Sorry but I think you should break it off and look for someone who makes it clear he wants to be with you now and in the future.

When actions and words and feelings don’t match up, my experience over many years of dating was believe the most negative. If the words are “I don’t want to commit” but he acts like a steady boyfriend, believe the words. If he says you’re officially together but doesn’t pay attention to you or cheats or doesn’t seem interested, believe the actions. Those are random examples but you get the idea. If he’s inconsistent, then it doesn’t really matter how he feels about you and probably isn’t really about that. It’s about him not being able to show up for the relationship you want. He can love you but simply not be ready or able to give you more because he has his own issues that have nothing to do with you. His fears of commitment came about before he met you, so they’re not about you but that also means you can’t fix it for him since it has little to nothing to do with you. There’s also a huge difference between someone who says they’d like to marry you one day, eventually, sometime, in the future, whatever words, but then who takes no steps forward to ever follow through.

You mention that you also have intimacy and commitment fears, you were initially scared to get into a relationship. It may have felt less scary and safer to get into a relationship with someone who shared those fears, as it moved slowly and was more comfortable for you to know to feel a little bit like you need to chase him, in terms of if he was very certain he wanted you and full commitment then you might have felt overwhelmed and preferred to feel more in control. This is pretty common to happen, but when both people are scared it often results in the situation eventually getting lopsided as one person might grow in what they want but the other doesn’t. Have you worked through your own fears at all to get a better idea of what you really want and what you need? You may love him, but is the current relationship meeting your long-term needs? If things stay as they are since he does sound like he’s giving you all he’s capable of, are you okay with that? If you’re honest with yourself and the answer is things don’t seem right after 2 years, then walking away is something to seriously consider.

Oh man, this is a massive massive red flag right here:

“He said that’s why he doesn’t want a serious commitment. If he got another job, he wouldn’t want to hurt me if he met someone else.”

Whilst I don’t understand what a job has got to do with it fully, It sounds like he’s already out the door looking for someone else, but enjoying the benefits of what he’s getting from you in the meantime. (And using the odd job comment as an excuse for future events he’s already planning in his head.)

At this point in the relationship, surely he’s serious or he’s not. If he’s not, well, it seems smart to cut your losses and get out.

Is that harsh?
Maybe. Maybe not.

I don’t think you should have to try and convince someone to be with you. If they don’t realise what a catch you are after all this time, well all the more the loss is on them.

Maintain your dignity and self-worth Jennifer. What would you tell a cherished friend if she came to you with the same scenario in her life?

Don’t be afraid to let unsatisfying things go, so that better more wonderful things can come into your life…

If you were being brutally honest – is this really truly they guy for you Jennifer??? Does he really stand up to all that your respect and admire and value in a life partner and husband???

I guess I’m asking you, have you really objectively assessed, is HE Husband material????

Think carefully….