Advice on potential new relationship

Omg, you are not in a position to be dating. Your behavior is over the top needy. I do not think this will make it to boyfriend girlfriend. But anywhere 3-12 weeks is about right.

Until a man is you boyfriend, you don’t contact him first at all. Your job is to sit back, respond warmly and observe his behavior. Period.

And you dont have a bunch of talks about how you dont like this or that. You date, observe and if you dont like what you see, end it…. not talk talk talk. This man is not your boyfriend. Take a huge step back and stop acting like a naggy girlfriend.

At first i thought you were a talking calender and teying to pencil in the fertility dates for later in the year in between shifts, then i got completely lost on the actual amounts of dates you had and at the end it dawned on me this is the classic case of the guy pulling away after a few dates and the girl starting to chase (call) and even do the deadly sin in asking: did you lost interest in me after 5 dates instead of becoming aloof herself.
The way you described the end so far suggests there will not be a couple on the end of the horizon. Maybe its salvageable with you stopping reaching out. This guy is not your boyfriend so dont act like he is. You can even go on dates with other men if you want (not that i suggest you do). So stop pushing forward and let this guy step up or not.
Then there is his work scedule. From what you said about the first dates that wasnt really a problem. He could plan them just fine. On the longer term if it would be serious, you either adapt or decide its not for you. This guy is not the only guy on the planet so maybe others fit better.
Not having sex was a good idea but you still got overinvested too soon. Thats always a very bad place to be in as a woman. Try to really really avoid that. Google 7 steps a guy falls on love for instance. Good luck, i do hope he bounces back because it looked good when this started

lost case in my opinion, If I had 3 dates with a guy and I called him on my lunch break I can guarantee that I would never hear from this person again and other way around really. this is way too needy and a little bit too much .
The fact that someone tells you they want relationship does not mean , it is going to happen after 4 dates, it might in fact not happen at all , men say things women want to hear. I am not trying to blame you here but I think, like others said, you have overinvested in this guy.

You’ve been dating this guy two weeks at the most! You said your first date was about 10 days ago. I agree with all the other posters, you need to chill out and step way, way back. It sounded like things were going well, if you had 5 dates in 2 weeks, but then you got clingy and intense — asking if he was losing interest in you, asking him about his dating apps– you’ve only been dating 2 weeks!

Like Ewa said, just because a guy says he’s interested in a relationship does not necessarily mean he’s interested in a relationship with you. And it certainly won’t happen after 4-5 dates. That’s the point of dating, to figure out if you want to be in a serious relationship with the person. Usually 2-3 months is the timeline for a guy to figure out if he wants to pursue something with you. Certainly not 2 weeks.

And like Newbie said, you will have to see if dating someone with his work schedule works for you. Maybe he’s not a good fit for you if you can’t adapt to the fact that he has 2-week shifts with crazy hours. I don’t find it odd that he’s talking to you about work; for most men, their work is very important to them. They need to feel successful and productive at their jobs. You want his conversation to center around you all the time? That won’t happen. This is how you get to know him and know what’s important to him. My bf talks to me about his job all the time (the good stuff, the bad stuff) and I appreciate that, and engage in the conversation and show interest. Why? Because I know it’s important to him, and he’s sharing that with me. And I know it makes him feel supported that I actively listen and engage in conversation with him about it.

Like others have said, this may not be fixable at this point but the only way you’ll know is if you take a huge step back. For goodness sake, stop the “talks”! Stop pushing him, stop chasing him, stop asking if he’s losing interest. Observe his behavior, if you relax and let things develop naturally it will be very clear from his behavior if he’s interested in you. You won’t have to nag him to call you or see you because he’ll do it of his own accord.

One more comment: I re-read your post. I think the overnight dates are a bad idea this early on. I’m not even talking about sex, since you’re not having it yet (which frankly I think is a good call at this point).

You’re spending the night at his house on the 2nd or 3rd or 4th date, and that creates a false sense of intimacy. Spending that much time together with someone you only started dating a couple of weeks ago isn’t a good idea. You feel like you’re his girlfriend but you’re not– not officially. You don’t really know each other yet. It takes time to get to know a person and grow intimacy, and it doesn’t happen by rushing things or forcing it.

A friend of mine who is single and dating has a habit of doing that– she’ll meet a guy, they’ll click, and in no time they’re having 48 hour dates. It never works out for her. Both parties get caught up and feel like they’re a couple when the other person is still essentially a stranger, and it doesn’t take long before everything collapses, usually within a couple months. It just takes time to get to that level with a person. Don’t rush it.

I know it will probably be hard to pull back from that now, but it might help if you try. And with future guys you date, don’t be in a rush to sleep over and act like a couple so soon.

Thank you all for the feedback. I took time to read everything and there were some good suggestions and points in this thread. I wanted to respond and provide some additional information about my situation/the situation with this guy. First of all, my last TWO previous relationships were my most serious/longest term relationships of my life and happened with two very different guys who didn’t follow the steps of following in love for men like you all mentioned and I googled. Or if they did, they went through it very quickly, I met both guys on dating apps, they both met me a week or two within first contact. In addition, after meeting me they both took less than two weeks to ask me to get into an exclusive relationship and both said I love you first and within those two weeks. Not saying that’s right or wrong, but both those relationships lasted a year and a half-almost 3 years. It is possible that because of insecurity, that I felt like this guy liked/likes me less than they did because he’s taking it much slower. I realize that isn’t necessarily true and maybe these other two men rushed into relationships with me partially because of other issues they had that later surfaced in those relationships. It was mentioned in this thread that he was likely someone used to functioning independently and I think that’s very accurate and makes sense given what I know about his recent relationship activity the last couple years and moving to a new job in another state where he knew no one and didn’t move for a woman or family.

I wanted to clarify a couple of other things. I admittedly got over stressed and overboard making the comments I mentioned to him about him not liking me or questioning his feelings /the dating app thing. I’m sure that came across insecure and clingy, and I won’t be making any of those comments or having any “serious talks” any time soon with him. As for phone calls/clingy behavior, I made 2 phone calls on two specific days, Thursday and Friday, and it was due to him initiating or suggesting plans and him not only eventually canceling them, but not having the courtesy to let me know himself. Thursday he wound up moving with some guys but had not let me know by noon one way or another about the plans and I just wanted to know so I could adjust and plan my evening either way. How would you have done it differently, other than just texted instead of called and not made the insecure comment about questioning his interest? Based on details he provided the last couple days..just talking about how the move went and details about eating with the guys afterwards, it seemed like he really did what he said. The second day I called which was Friday was a similar situation. He’d made plans for 1 to have me come up and see him, so of course I didn’t plan anything else. He’d been messaging me since 10:30 that morning that he had a bit of an upset stomach but was coming. By 4, he’d been texting me about once an hour talking about hopefully feeling better soon and still hadn’t canceled, so I just called him to see what he was leaning toward. What would you do differently? As it was, I couldn’t really make other plans for the rest of the evening.

I wanted to clarify that these are the only couple times I’ve called him about any issue or when I was in any way less than happy. I think I’ve called him two other times in the time which we knew each other just to say hi and be sweet, not because of any agenda and I can easily not do that again. I’ve backed off since I wrote this like people suggested. Also, I was never the one initiating texts with him! We’ve had an ongoing text conversation that’s gone on every day since he first got my number and he initiated in the first place. I think I’ve double texted twice out of the whole time and he’s double texted a few different times if I haven’t responded quickly..but I always wait for his response or next message before sending one back even if it’s several hours or the next day. Trust me, I haven’t been blowing up his phone! I’d be honest and tell you if I was.

His behavior the last couple days has been odd though. I backed off like I mentioned. The only way I could back off more is intentionally take hours between every text (which sometimes he does and isn’t a crime) or not respond to him at all. Monday during the day he texted about meal prep for his job, which is fine. I am more than happy to talk to a guy about his routine or job and I sent him friendly responses showing interest in the topic. I certainly don’t have to talk about me or my life the whole time! I just wondered why there was less flirty banter or playful talk between us in the last few days as compared to the rest of the time I’ve been talking to him. The last time we did anything physical was Saturday and that seemed to go great. Monday night he did call me and I did not prompt him in anyway to do so, we spoke for about 30 minutes and he seemed happy and the call was fun and enjoyable. He also spoke about how I’d get to see how the night shift worked and indicated wanting to find time to spend time with me despite the schedule.
Tuesday, yesterday, he went to his first night on the night shift and texted me right before he went that he was bummed about going back to work and asking about my day.I sent an upbeat response a little later with a little about my day and a quick note saying I’m sure he’d kill it the first night back. He wrote back a couple hours later that it had been a tough start, but that they were already talking about giving his crew a couple days off this weekend due to a snowstorm that is coming. My response was along the lines of “tough start eh? Anything I can do to help? A couple days off would be nice!” I haven’t heard since then which was around 530 pm yesterday, which on its own is not alarming, maybe a person just had a long day and didn’t feel like talking. But it is different then he’s behaved in the past. He works different roles at this job, definitely some seem to keep him busier than others, but he’s always sent more texts then that, including early in the morning when he’d go to work at like 230am. He also spoke about how much it meant to him that I was willing to converse with him early in the morning and took interest in him. That’s why it’s also been difficult to have a laid back reaction is that at times he also carries on like we are already in a committed relationship based on stuff he says. Stuff like giving me his key and telling me to keep it, wanting me to come over more often, HIM speaking about the future. He made the comment that he’d like to see us in a very committed relationship in the next couple months If it was up to him.He does also know more than I’d normally disclose to a new guy about my last relationship. This is because although I’ve been broken up for a few months from my ex, some difficult circumstances had prevented me from getting some of my things back until a week or two ago. The new guy often asked how I was doing and was very supportive of the situation. I’m not sure why he has backed off now unless it was those couple of comments that have been mentioned. He had said when we discussed it that he’d moved on and wasn’t upset, would only be concerned if these things became a pattern.

to be honest, this guy doesn’t even know and he is asking you to come over and stay overnight? I don’t know what everyone else is saying but it does not look like a relationship material kind of guy.

I agree with Tallspicy. The minutiae of this is excruciating. You’re desperately trying to assign meaning to every little thing. Even the amount of time it takes him to reply to texts– knowing that he is working a stressful night shift at the moment. You barely know this guy, and you certainly don’t know him well enough to know his habits yet.

A healthy attitude towards a guy you’ve been dating a couple of weeks would be to just sit back, be warm and responsive when he contacts you, and see if he steps up his contact over time, wants to see you regularly, etc.

You mention you’re confused– because this guy was intense at the beginning, had you sleep over right away (and cooked you meals, acted like a couple, etc), gave you a key, talked about wanting to see you two in a committed relationship in the next couple months, etc. A guy you’ve known 2 weeks! Look up love bombing. Some guys get really intense right at the beginning, but then things quickly fade out with them. It sounds to me like this guy doesn’t have the healthiest approach to relationships either. All the more reason for you to slow down and pull back. If he is starting to fade out, then let him go.