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- This topic has 4 replies and was last updated 4 years, 9 months ago by
kaye.
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Smiley
I have been in a relationship for 3 years with a man I love, however the last year has been a roller coaster of problems. In the beginning we saw each other often practically 6-7 days a week. He has 2 kids ages 14 & 11 and it has become apparent that his relationship with his kids has caused a strain in our relationship. I have 2 kids and I understand the struggles that come with divorce parents, however this is something he has also admitted to. Some background his kids are way too independent at such an early age his 14 YO son is hanging out with a 14 YO cousin who smokes weed and his son has admitted to smoking it as well. The kids are constantly out of their house traveling in Uber’s that he pays. His 11 YO daughter is always calling him for trips to a friends/cousins house or is complaining to him about her mother (that she hates her). The daughter has had several issues with other girls at school/clubs you name it there’s always a friend who is not being nice to her for one reason or another. I am starting to think the common denominator in those issues is the daughter. The kids live with their mother and she is never home so any rides or appointments they need they call him. He even takes the daughter to get her eyebrows done yet the mother is a hair stylist. When the kids are sick he takes them to the doctor and gets their meds and drops them off. I have asked him what does she do for them anything??? He says she has become very negligent towards the kids.
Last year he was waking up at 6 AM to take them to school every morning despite the ex being there. He admitted that he does a lot and they expect a lot from him and it has put a lot of pressure on him financially and mentally. Even my mom has said that the kids are taking advantage of his leniency with them. I can see how much he is spending on Uber close to $100 a week. They will call last minute for a ride with him not even being aware they were out. I know him being a hands on father is a great thing and I admire that however, I have told him he needs to be more disciplined. For starters why are they constantly at a friends house needing a ride late in the evening (9-11 PM)? Also, why are you allowing a 14 year old to hang out with a cousin who has issues (he has ADHD).
In the past year I have noticed his behavior towards me to be disrespectful…not spending quality time meaning actually going out instead he comes over and we will order out and go to bed. During that time he will get calls from his boss, his kids, friends its like the only time he has to speak to everyone. I don’t even make plans anymore because all of sudden he may get a call from the kids needing something.
A recent example about a week ago on a Monday (this is our day because I don’t have my kids neither does he) he left my house in the afternoon and I texted/called him that night because I had not heard from him all day. He didn’t respond till the next morning telling me he misplaced his phone (never does he not respond to my texts or calls)….I am starting to wonder if he is cheating on me but he denies it. He still calls me and texts me “almost” daily telling me he loves/misses me and that he is sorry for how things have been but I just don’t see the actions.
After the Monday incident I did not speak to him for a week so this past Tuesday I caved in and he came over in the afternoon and we got dinner…at 8 PM he told me he had to leave because his son was out walking the streets with his cousin and their grandmother (my BF’s mom whose house they are constantly in) was fed up with them going out and didn’t want to be responsible for anything that could happen to them. As he was leaving I pushed his face away when he tried to kiss me goodbye and he stated how could I be upset when he was trying to help his son. He texted me when he left saying that he was upset and didn’t want to leave and that the kids were ruining our relationship. I am confused because I don’t understand how he the father can’t have more control of his kids…my kids are not perfect but they are at my place and their dads that’s it not at a friends house or even relatives. I’m getting the feeling that he is tired of my constant nagging and being angry ….but I am fed up. I haven’t heard from him all day today..at a time like this instead of him being more supportive I feel he is being distant. I recently got furloughed from work and he has yet to ask me if I need anything (not that I do thank god!). I just don’t know what to think and I keep feeling as though he may be cheating (i was cheated on before by my ex) but then I am wondering if I am being inconsiderate and spoiled? Due to all the time we use to spend together and all the attention he use to give me? He admitted that in the beginning he would not see his kids just to see me and I believe that but they were also younger and not out needing rides all the time. Am I wrong here?
Newbie
You are describing three different issues. His parenting, him misplacing a phone for a day and you go from 0 To 100 assuming he is cheating and ‘punishing’ him with a week no contact and him not being interested in you.
I feel what you are describing is very one sided and you clearly lost any interest to make it better, if that is even possible. I would think that this relationship has run its course and its time to end it.Lala
I don’t know where you live but where I am there is a pandemic lock down. Why are you and he and his kids going from household to household? Why are his kids out walking the streets?? This is enormously irresponsible and dangerous.
Additionally, you are expecting waaay too much. His kids come first and always will. Are you expecting him to spend 6 days a week with you when there is most likely a lockdown and yet his kids are out and about? In the current environment people have to make choices and keeping their kids safe will always come before the girlfriend. I don’t k kw why you expect cheating, my suspicion is he need a break from your demands.
You’re going to have to take a backseat during this crises or you will lose him altogether.Paige
The last part of what Lala said sums it up for me: His kids SHOULD come first.
One thing does confuse me, though.
You started out with a statement that his kids are too independent for their ages; then you b*tch about his having to be a taxi service (aka “normal parental behavior for someone with pre-teen or teen”).
AND you have the unmitigated gall to complain that he takes his sick child to the doctor, picks up his/her prescriptions and takes him/her home? What is WRONG with you?
If the mother DOESN’T do her part in bringing up their kids, what do you EXPECT a real father to do? Say, “Well, if your mother doesn’t pick you up, that’s too bad; get yourself home however you can?” REALLY?
My mother was a lot like you. When she was in her 60s, she had a boyfriend who was a really great guy. She was so jealous of his relationship with his adult daughter and her son that she could have spit.
He finally got tired of her attitude and stopped seeing her.
A man who doesn’t put his kids first is not a man at all. He’s a spoiled brat.
Maybe your best bet is to find a guy with no kids who can make you the center of his universe.
Signed,
A child of divorce who’s thankful for the grandmother who raised her and with whom she ALWAYS came first
kaye
I agree there are a lot of different issues going on here. First, as others have said there is a global pandemic and stay at home orders in effect for most of the world so not sure why these kids are allowed to be out every night at a friend’s house and having to catch an Uber! I would never allow my teenage children to get into an Uber with a complete stranger! But you are going to come up against a brick wall if you are trying to tell him he can’t spend $100 a week on his kid’s rides home. That’s really none of your business as it sounds like the two of you don’t live together. And it’s one thing to say not to hang out with a cousin who smokes pot but because he has ADHD? You sound really judgmental.
It sounds like their mother is an absentee parent and he has taken on the tasks of getting them to school, taking them to the doctor and making sure they get home safe. You can’t expect a man with children and a job to spend 6-7 days a week with you. Sure he did in the beginning when things were new but he was giving up other things like seeing his kids in order to do it! You can’t expect that kind of attention 3 years later. And to be dating for 3 years you certainly don’t seem to be able to communicate very well. You do this passive aggressive I’m not going to talk to you for a week because I don’t like the way you’re dealing with your kids and I’m not getting enough attention.
I also question what you call disrespectful behavior because you equate that with him not taking you out but instead coming over and ordering out. You sound high maintenance. You equate quality time with a man spending money on you and taking out out when staying in and eating together can be just as much if not more quality time. Certainly being furloughed during this time you understand places are closed for eating out anyway? And that eating out cost money? I would assume if his boss is calling him late at night it’s because he needs something and not just to chat. And certainly you can’t expect a man to ignore calls from his kids!
I think a one off incident with his phone when he normally always responds to your texts or calls is not a reason to immediately jump to suspecting him of cheating! If I had to guess you were nagging him that Monday before he left about all the things you are spewing out here and he is tired or your constant nagging and being angry all the time! He just needed a break. To push his face away when he went to kiss you because you were throwing a little fit when he left to get his child makes you sound like a child!! If you had gotten a similar call from your ex while you were with him saying you needed to come get your son would you have left to get your son or just hung out with him the rest of the night? You’re not being reasonable. If their mother can’t be responsible for them and his own mother can’t deal with them then what would you have him do?
Maybe you are under stress with what is going on and being laid off your job and it’s coming off as being pissed at him for everything all the time. If a man does his best but feels like he can’t make you happy or you are making him choose you over his kids then he’s going to leave. If that’s what you want then keep up this behavior. You realize in a short time the older one will be driving and a lot of your gripes with Ubers, etc will work themselves out. But if you’ve spent 3 years and he’s not worth another 2 years then cut your losses!
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