Always the Friend, Never the Girlfriend

Hi Lynn, Please strongly consider ending this ‘friendship.’ It’s one sided & you’re not getting anything from it…

Raven and Angie, I took your advice and for the last 2 weeks have been out of touch with him. However, he keeps texting me and sending me memes and videos. Not one day has passed without him reaching out and asking how I’m doing. I don’t want to completely ghost him, so when he asks how I am, I just respond with “fine” or “I’m ok.”

I went out on a date last week and had a hard time enjoying myself. It was an odd feeling. I know I’m 100% single, but I found my mind wandering and thinking about Ricky. I even felt a little odd, almost as if I were cheating even though I’m not.

Although that date didn’t work out, I am now chatting with someone else and hopeful of where that might go.

Hopefully this gets easier over time. Thank you both for your advice.

Maddie, I think you’re right on a few different accounts. Ricky is definitely emotionally unavailable. He also suffers from social anxiety and isolates himself away from all people for days or weeks on end. We had a good, long talk a few days ago and I told him I felt that he was taking me for granted by continuing to ask me to go out of my way to help him with certain things and seeming to only want to hang out lately when it’s convenient for him only (he blames his social anxiety for this). We also talked about a potential relationship again and he clarified a few things. He broke up with his ex a few months ago and has been having a really hard time getting over her. It was the longest relationship he’d ever had, and she was very emotionally, mentally, and even at times physically abusive towards him. He went on to say that he doesn’t want a relationship with anyone. Ever. He is very jaded and feels like all relationships are “a joke” and “everybody cheats.” He explained that he values our friendship and doesn’t want to lose that, and he’s afraid a relationship will only cause problems. I told him that was exactly what I needed to hear to move on and close the book on the possibility of us getting together in the future. He went on to say this is how he feels “right now” and “maybe” things will change “10 years down the road.” I let him know that I would not be sticking around for a “maybe 10 years from now” possible relationship and he said he understood and encouraged me to get out there and keep dating. He said I was “beautiful” and that I have “a pretty face, an amazing personality, perfect boobs, and a nice ass” and “lots of good guys would love to be your boyfriend.” It was definitely nice to hear, but also a little confusing because if I’m so perfect why doesn’t he want to date me? But I guess that doesn’t really matter.

You are also right about me being too attached to completely cut him off. He has become one of my best friends and it’s hard to imagine not having him in my life. Especially since he helps me with a lot. We both do. I let him use my mailing address rather than get a PO Box, he shares his streaming services with me, whenever we get dinner he always pays, I throw his laundry in with mine occasionally because he doesn’t have a laundry room, etc. We help each other a lot so it’s hard to completely cut each other off. But we had a disagreement yesterday on how I feel like sometimes I’m being taken for granted because lately it seems he only wants to hangout with me when it benefits him or is convenient for him. With that, we decided to take some time part. He suggested a week. And for the first time in at least 6 months, he hasn’t contacted me all day.

I think you’re right in saying that I waste too much time hoping for the wrong guys to come around as well. While I don’t have a large pattern of Rickys in my life, I do have a large pattern of crushes who don’t see me the same way I see them. Since I was about 14 years old, I’ve zeroed in on an individual crush and only have eyes for him. The pattern goes that I spend months, sometimes years, pining over this guy who has absolutely no interest in me at all. And while I know that, I just can’t bring myself to stop imagining what it would be like to be with him, and during this time I am completely uninterested in anyone else. I am extremely selective of who I like, so even though there have been a few guys interested in me over the years, I haven’t reciprocated. Which is why I never really had a relationship until I was 25. And that was a long distance off-again, on-again relationship that lasted nearly 6 years with a guy who strung me along and took complete advantage of my feelings for him. After that fell apart, I shut myself down. I went 10 years thinking very similarly to how Ricky is thinking now – relationships are a joke and everyone cheats. So I stayed single for the last 10 years, and never dated until I met Ricky last summer.

I am currently in therapy and trying to work through my trust and commitment issues, but also dealing with clinical depression and anxiety. The combination of all of that has been overwhelming. But it is nice to come here and have some people who listen and give good advice. For that, I thank all of you.

Hi Lynn. I recommend a book called “Why He Didn’t Call You Back” by dating coach Rachael Greenwald. She did a lot of research by getting men to talk about the actual reasons they lost or did not develop interest. Good general info and also a section on the “friend” vibe and how to change that up.
Move on from this guy, he is not for you.