Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Always the Friend, Never the Girlfriend
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Lynn
I’m in my early 40s and throughout my life I have always been relegated to the friend role. I was always a “Tomboy” and had a lot of guy friends. Over the years, I had many crushes on my guy friends, but they never saw me as anything more than “one of the guys” or “just friends.” It was frustrating to say the least. But I kept telling myself that in time, I’d meet the right guy who would see me as more than a friend.
I thought that time finally came last summer when I met Ricky online. He didn’t check all my boxes, but we had fun together. We had a lot in common and he let me know he was interested in being more than friends right from the start. We began dating and even though he wasn’t perfect, I really starting thinking I could see myself in a relationship with him in the future. Over the next few months we saw each other a lot. We would see each other 3-4 a week, then it increased to almost daily. We talked about the future together, like planning trips, getting pets, traveling, but also let each other know that we weren’t interested in marriage. He started becoming my best friend – which is was I had always hoped to find in a future partner.
Everything was going really well until he dropped a bomb on me a few months ago. He texted me the following:
“I have to say something awkward. I don’t want you to fall in love with me because I don’t want you to get hurt. I love hanging out with you, but I’m not in love with you. I think you’re sexy and fun and amazing, but I’m not in love with you and it’s best to be upfront. I would love to keep chillin with you often for the rest of our lives. I’m not saying I don’t. I really don’t want to hurt your feelings and I want to stay close friends with you, but we should probably be just friends. I’m at the point in my life where I want to date around. You deserve to find a guy who loves you. I care about you, but I don’t love you. I still wanna hang out often as friends though.”I was really caught off guard. It felt like a punch to the gut. But I quickly talked myself into being okay with all of this. I reminded myself that he never checked all my boxes and he wasn’t the “perfect guy” for me. I also was honest with myself and knew I wasn’t “in love” with him either. So I texted him back telling him not to worry about hurting my feelings. I appreciated his honesty and that while I care about him too, I am not in love with him.
We’ve been continuing on as friends over the last few months. Some days are easier than others, but some days are hard. Especially when he some times reaches over and puts his hand on my leg while we’re watching TV. Or when we’re driving and he reaches out to hold my hand. Things got even more confusing when he kissed me goodnight a few weeks ago. I started thinking that maybe he was changing his mind about being just friends. But then, he started talking to me about how he wanted to start dating and that I should go on dates too.
I’m back on the dating app that we met on. And I am actively looking, as is he. But in the back of my mind I find myself wondering what went wrong. Why am I ALWAYS the friend and never the girlfriend? What am I doing wrong that seems to keep so many men from seeing me as a girlfriend? Not just with Ricky, but with seemingly all my previous could-have-been-relationships.
RavenHi Lynn, Please strongly consider ending this ‘friendship.’ It’s one sided & you’re not getting anything from it…
AngieBaby@Lynn, take some time off from seeing him or communicating with him. At least 6 months. That will give you both time to clear the decks of any feelings for each other. And don’t be surprised if after whatever period of time, one or both of you are involved with someone else and don’t have time for “friendship” any longer.
You’re not doing anything “wrong” you just haven’t met the right person yet. Normal in dating. This guy didn’t tick all your boxes, you knew that from the start, so this one was never really going anywhere. If you’ve always been a buddy to these guys and not a GF, then maybe start checking out some YouTube videos on how to run the more feminine vibes.
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