Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Am I a terrible person?
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Maddie.
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Suzie
I met this guy 2 months ago on a dating app. We hit it off right away. Our first two dates were amazing. He came over to my house on what was supposed to be our third date and told me that he had just gotten out of a relationship about a month before and he needed time to heal before jumping into another relationship and asked if we could just be friends. I agreed since we got along so well. We hung out that day and had a blast as friends, but he kissed me goodnight at the end of the night and left me a little confused.
We got dinner and played pool about a week later. Afterwards, we went back to my place to watch TV and one thing led to another and we had sex.
We continued hanging out as friends – no sex over the next few weeks. Then he told me that he got back together with his ex. But he asked if I was interested in “sneaking around” with him behind his gf’s back. I said absolutely not. Then he asked if we could still be friends since we get along so well. I said yes because while he has questionable morals and is a horrible bf, he and I still get along well as friends and have a blast together watching sports and drinking beer. Since then, we’ve been hanging out as platonic friends. Nothing more.
Earlier today, we talked and he mentioned how he and his gf (who he constantly refers to as his “ex” even when they’re together) are always off and on. Since the sex was incredible, I told him that I still wanted to sleep with him, but couldn’t while he was in a relationship. I’d feel way too guilty. BUT, I told him since they’re off and on a lot, to let me know if/when he’s single again and we could hook up. But in the meantime, we could continue to be platonic friends. He agreed.
Since his comment about wanting to sneak around behind his gf’s back, I made the decision right then that he was not the guy for me. I have no romantic feelings towards him at all. I would never be able to trust him therefore I could never be in a relationship with him. However, I could do friends with benefits – even though I’ve never done that before. Would I be a horrible person or breaking some kind of girl code if I slept with him when he’s broken up with his ex? Then if/when they get back together, stop sleeping with him until the next break up?
I know it sounds like I have no self respect, and maybe I don’t. But tbh, I don’t want a relationship either. I just want a friend with benefits. Does this make me a horrible person?
Raven
What ever you do: Use Condoms!
He sounds like a gem- NOT
AngieBaby
Suzie. This is really low value behavior. The saying “lie down with dogs, get up with fleas” comes to mind. Very few women can handle FWB. High probability you will wind up getting burned in more ways than one. And Raven makes a good point about condoms – you could very easily catch an STD. Herpes, HPV and other things have no cure, you know that right? And heaven forbid you get pregnant.
If you’re involved in this mess, you are not likely to meet someone who genuinely wants to be with you. Do you really think you can’t do any better than this guy?? He’s a rat. You know he will lie to you about when he’s “off” with this other woman, right? I’m not convinced he wasn’t with her when he was seeing you either.
Self-pleasuring would be smarter and safer than sex with this loser. Please don’t do this – just walk away.
Tammy
Agree with @angie. Just walk away! U can find plenty more if your not luking for a relationship! Hes not trustworthy.
Maddie
If you’re sleeping with him while they’re off, she’s never going to allow him to hang out when you’re on. And people aren’t dumb, at some point he’ll mention you in passing or you’ll meet and she’ll know something is there. Then you’ll end up sneaking around to be friends and only see him without sneaking around when they’re off. Doesn’t sound like any sort of actual friendship to me, or worth the effort or the headache.
You’re not breaking a girl code, but you’re wasting your own time with this guy. Sex is incredible because he’s inconsistent and all over the place, so getting it together feels like a rare high. The unpredictability and occasionally getting chosen is like gambling. He sounds like a dirtbag, and you should ask yourself why having fun watching sports is good enough for you to turn a blind eye to how poorly he treats people. If you don’t want a relationship, you can still find a far more respectful and less messy FWB with someone else whom you can actually trust (who won’t give you STDs or ghost you if you get pregnant). This is not your guy, so don’t make excuses to keep him around.
AngieBaby
I don’t buy the “I don’t want a relationship” bit for one minute. If you didn’t want a relationship, you wouldn’t have been online dating and thinking the first few dates went so well with him. I’ve seen so many women use that as an excuse here to accept crumbs it’s not even funny. You would have put in your profile you were only wanting casual or FWB and you wouldn’t even be posting asking if this makes you a horrible person. It doesn’t make you horrible, hanging around with this guy after what he’s demonstrated about himself and thinking you can handle FWB with him – it just makes you a weak judge of character, too willing to be used and abused and unclear on your value and what you really want from a man. If a man doesn’t meet your standards for dating, it’s pretty rare he would meet standards for friendship either. As Maddie says, he’s a dirtbag. Sadly, I think you’re going to go through with this no matter what advice you get here.
Tammy
Very well articlulated @angiebaby.
AngieBaby
Thanks Tammy. I really hate to see a woman so willingly signing up to be the side chick and acting like the cool girl, like it’s what she really wants. We who have been here for a while know how this story will end and it won’t be pretty.
Suzie
Ya’ll are right. This is so out of character for me. I’m not sure why I even started considering it. I can’t do it. I’d feel too guilty, too low, and cheap.
I started online dating because I thought I wanted a relationship. But the more I do it and run into jerks, it has made me really feel like I DON’T want a relationship. It seems like most men cheat. Why would I get into a relationship when I can’t trust that he won’t cheat? That’s why FWB started sounding like a good idea.
Maddie
Suzie, online dating can be really tough because you need to weed out the dirtbags. That can take some practice and experience, because sometimes it isn’t obvious for the first few dates. When you start feeling confident that you can filter people out instead of sticking around after they show they are non-committal or inconsistent, you walk away from all the bad ones and then recognize the good ones when they come your way. I met my husband online, and he’s not a cheater! But I went on many, many dates and kissed many frogs (and accepted lousy behavior I shouldn’t have!) before I figured out that there is a bit of numbers game to it. Which means you need to not give more chances that are unearned to sketchy guys, and don’t make excuses for them. If you want a relationship, don’t settle for FWB, even though having lots of bad dates in a row can get very frustrating. Just walk away from those guys so you’re not wasting your own time. You don’t need to feel bad about bailing early when the guy can’t offer or isn’t looking for the same kind of relationship that you want. If you take out the trash, you keep space open for better connections!
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