Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Am I asking for too much?
- This topic has 9 replies and was last updated 4 years, 8 months ago by
Lane.
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Molly
I posted on here about my fwb possibly turning into something more. When we had our conversation about “us” he told me how he promised to call and text me everyday since one of the problems I had with our relationship was our lack of consistent communication. Since then we were doing pretty good at carrying conversations and we talked on the phone all night for hours. However, recently the conversation has died and it’s gotten to a point where he only texts me good morning and goodnight with nothing in between. I’m not sure if this is normal as I do believe if there’s nothing to talk about then there’s no point in texting. But at the same time, it’s only been a week and a half and I feel like he’s already putting in less effort where I see other people text consistently for a while before it starts to die out or at least until they’re in a solid relationship. I’m not sure if I’m just looking for problems or I’m valid in my thinking. I just wanna ignore him until he realizes I’m upset because I don’t wanna sound needy but I know that’s not the mature way to handle it.
Liz Lemon
If he wanted more than FWB, he would put in more effort without you making an issue of it. The whole point of FWB is that it’s someone you don’t have to have constant communication with.
Does he take you out on dates and make an effort to see you in person? That’s more important than talking on the phone for hours. Men bond with women by doing activities with them. Talking on the phone is a bonding experience for women, not men. You should be looking at the efforts he’s making to see you in person and take you out, and worry less about texting and talking on the phone. If he only sees you when he wants sex, I don’t think he’ll ever see you as more than FWB.
Why did you agree to FWB if you wanted a relationship?
Molly
He does put in the effort to see me. However, as of right now we usually just hang out with each other since we can’t really go out somewhere because of everything going on. For example, we went to the beach one of the times we hung out since this whole pandemic thing. And he invited me to go to his friend’s house with him in another state which I feel like is a good sign. I don’t know though. Any outsider opinion appreciated. I said yes to a FWB situation because I was stupid and thought I could do it but I caught feelings. :/
Ss
If you are just fwb then the whole point is that you don’t need to communicate beyond plans to hook up so yes you are expecting way too much. You want him to chat with and get to know eachother, bond etc. But that is not what fwb is thats what the beginning of dating is.
He wants casual dating at best. You want to explore the possibility of a relationship so you are not on the same page at all.
My advice is end it because you want a relationship not fwb and he has been clear he wants casual only.
The only way fwb works is if you forget the friend bit inbetween hanging out. You can still have a nice time and do more than just sex but primarily a fwb is sex only with no expectations or obligations
Molly
Sorry, I wasn’t clear in this post. I assumed everybody read my other one. We started off as FWB, however, we are both open to the idea of more. Therefore, as of right now we are no longer just friends with benefits and are exploring the idea of a relationship.
Newbie
I did look back to your other post, also the julie one. But what was unclear in your other post how sure you were he is serious about making it serious. I and others didnt see a lot of indications here. Doesnt mean its not there but its really unclear. If a guy is serious he wants to see you, take you out and makes it clear you are his gf. Lets assume he is exploring that, so all you have is tje question: does he text me too little? Well the asnwer is that the truth about a relationship is not based on texting. So i cant tell you, nor can anyone else. And its also not him inviting you to hang out. I personally dont like to be in limbo so i would probably ask this guy about his feelings. Smart or not. But its better than Fortune telling through texts
Lane
If you have to ask, tell or demand someone communicate with you more then you are failing out of the gate because he is never going to meet your needs naturally, will revert back to HIS style of communication and you will be right back to position you were in with the first request. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Look up love languages because it doesn’t sound like neither of you are able to love each other in the way each of you need feel in order to truly be *in love.* For instance, I don’t need or require constant communication or contact with an SO because that’s not what *I* personally need or require to feel loved by my partner. However, “acts of service” is at the top, and because my BF and I are able to *naturally* (key word) meet each other’s love needs we have an easy and loving relationship that continues to get stronger the longer we are together and neither of us have to make requests, demands or do backflips to make the other feel loved or secure in the relationship, because we naturally and organically fulfill each others love requirements by being our true authentic selves.
It doesn’t sound like you will ever feel loved by him because he doesn’t meet your love needs. This is the whole purpose of dating, to see if you naturally and organically meet each other’s needs without having to ask, request or demand it from the other. Just because you catch feelings doesn’t mean you will make a good long-term match. From the sounds of it, there will be a constant tug of war because he will continually fail to meet your needs because they don’t align or mesh with his. The flip side is you are most likely failing to meet his because its all about what *you want and need* and probably have no clue what HE wants or needs in order to be and fall in love with you.
The problem here, is you are so hyper focused on getting him as a BF that you aren’t able to see the BIGGER PICTURE. Time to sit down and seriously think hard as to whether or not you and he are capable and able to meet each others needs. I personally don’t believe, based on what you’ve stated, is that either of of you are capable of feeling fully loved and adored in the way YOU and HE *needs* to feel loved and adored in order to stay and remain in love over the long haul.
Liz Lemon
I agree with the points the other posters have made. OP, you’re saying that your communication has dwindled to good morning/good night texts, and it doesn’t seem like you have a lot to say to each other. You can’t force natural connection or communication. Either he feels it, or he doesn’t.
How long have you two been seeing each other? If you’ve only been involved for a few months, it’s not a good sign that “conversation has died”. I’ve been with my bf for 2 years and the first months we were dating, we texted nonstop during the work day, or times when we couldn’t see each other. We never ran out of things to say to each other. Even now, today, it’s 9:30 am where I live and he’s already texted me 3 times from work, and sent me a funny picture of something that happened to him at work. Not because I demanded it– but because he wanted to share it with me. And as Lane pointed out, texting is less important to some couples, and that’s fine too. The point is, you can’t *make* him want to share things with you, or text you. It’s not a matter of him “not putting in effort”. If he’s not feeling it, it’s just not there.
kaye
“It doesn’t sound like you will ever feel loved by him because he doesn’t meet your love needs. This is the whole purpose of dating, to see if you naturally and organically meet each other’s needs without having to ask, request or demand it from the other. Just because you catch feelings doesn’t mean you will make a good long-term match.”
OMG LANE! THIS IS SO TRUE!!
I can’t even tell you how many guys I dated who I caught feelings for only to look back now and realize they were not right for me and I’m so glad things didn’t work out. Hindsight is indeed 20/20 and the best relationships are the ones where it flows naturally because you are compatible. And like Lane, my husband and I definitely have acts of service at the top of both of our lists and it’s the things we do for each other and not whether he answers my text or texts me through out the day, etc. I asked him yesterday if he would get something set up at the house for me so I could finish a project. I got home to see he didn’t bring it home and have it ready for me only to walk in to see he had actually already FINISHED the project for me instead!! I was thrilled!! But guess what if you had looked at my phone you would have seen he didn’t respond to 2 out of 3 of my texts I sent him yesterday afternoon because he was working on it for me! My man is busy on a daily basis and I don’t get my panties in a wad over text messages!
Lane
I totally understand how it feels to *catch feelings*, and then look back and tell myself “wow, that relationship would have truly sucked” because we weren’t naturally aligned (able to meet each others needs) in the way a couple needs to be aligned in order to make it over the long-haul.
I totally understand what that “thrill” feeling is like when your husband does things for you like that, as my BF does the same and it makes my eyes light up and fills my heart! My BF’s top love language is “admiration” and its so easy for me to do because I *naturally* and truly admire him, not just for what he does for me, but what he does at work, how he deals with a problem, helps others out, etc. because he’s genuinely a great guy, and it makes his eyes light up and fills his heart when I admire him for being the man he is :o)
Even when not together, as you know he goes out to sea for months at a time, he’s still able to do “acts of service” just by being present and actively involved in my life on a daily basis because he *wants* to be involved. With this, my admiration for what he does, did or is doing, on a daily basis, makes it super easy and effortless for me to do. The other day he mentioned to me “one of the many things I love about you is that even when we’ve been apart for a few months, the moment we get together its like we we’ve only apart a day or two., its seamless and makes it so much more enjoyable for me when I return.” Our hearts just *naturally* thump for each other lol
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