Am I being unreasonable?

Seems a bit too clingy, insecure and needy. A man should not feel OBLIGATED or PRESSURED into calling you like he is checking in with his probation officer or something. He should call when he feels it in his heart that he wants to speak to you, hear your voice, crack a joke with you, etc. Chill out! Let the man miss you instead of trying to free himself from your tentacles. If you trust him, you should not be hounding him like this or trying to guilt trip him into doing what you want. That’s a quick way to build resentment and cause a man to bristle and want to get away because he feels like you’re trying to CONTROL him.

Yes, it’s unreasonable. It’s worse than clingy and needy, it’s actually quite controlling. I had a BF once who was like you, wanted to talk to me every day. He’d pout if I got too busy and wasn’t able to find the time to take a call or call him each and every day. We lived together as well. I moved out and broke it off because I couldn’t stand being with someone who needed to keep tabs on me and needed constant attention and reassurance that I loved him. You seem very dependent on your BF… fair warning, over time, that’s a real turn-off. You call this “communication” and you say you keep telling him you need to hear from him. Honestly, it feels more like you need a leash around his neck, no offense intended. It would be a lot better for the relationship if he felt free to call when he could and not like it’s a black mark on him if he doesn’t do it every single working day.

Yes, you are being completely unreasonable and suffocating.

You live together, why must he be obligated to message throughout the day? Fair enough if his hours are mixed and you want to know about dinner etc but generally? It is a ridiculous expectation. Also, I’d want my man to contact me because he is thinking of me and wants to, not because he feels he has to

Expecting him to call once or twice a day every single working day to chat and just wanting him to shoot her a text to give an ETA when he knows when he’s ending work are two very different things. The first is needy and controlling, the second is reasonable and basic courtesy.

Hey Vanessa, my fiance is an electrician and has a unpredictable schedule too. My man will drop me a text here and there throughout the day,letting me know if he’s on a site farther away and will probably be home late. I dont think its needy or unreasonable to want that, but you can’t demand it.. especially if he is working, it doesnt look good to be on the phone at work so the fact he’s being responsible is a good thing! I feel like you just need to let up a bit and work on being a bit more independent. It will make you both happier in the long run :)

I think it’s good to communicate what you want and it might be a little more communication during this Covid crisis. Most people are feeling less secure in general because of the uncertainty of everything so I’m not surprised you need more from your fiancé. Just understand where it’s coming from. It also will not be forever as you are in such an unnatural state- teaching from home. Normally you’d leave to go to school- right? Take care and thank you for what you do as I’m sure you miss your students too!

This man is your fiance and you live together. I think that makes expectations totally different from this being a boyfriend. But even when my husband and I were dating he would check in with me first thing in the morning, around lunch and when I got off of work. If his day was crazy his lunch phone call could be at 3 but he made a point of checking in to see how my day was. And you know what…he still does! As a matter of a fact, I get a call every day at 5 from him to let me know if he’s going to be on time or if something has him running late for dinner and I should eat without him. His day is different every single day depending on which fires he has to put out.

It’s a pattern we established because both of us like it. But I never forced him, coereced him or insisted he continue it every day. And why does it have to be a phone call? Could he just send you a text saying wow, this job got out of hand and is taking much longer than i expected? Sidenote: As I’m sitting here typing this my husband just sent me kisses in a text. He does that periodically during the day to let me know he’s thinking about me so no I don’t find it unreasonable to expect some contact during an 8 hour day.

On the other hand if you have told him on several occasions this is what you want but he continues to not do it then you have to determine if this is really a big deal for you. My husband is amazing but he and I are two totally different people and there are aspects of his personality I had to either accept or decide he and I weren’t the right fit. Can I get over the 2% annoyances because he’s amazing 98% of the time. Sure I can!!

I agree with Kaye – the two of you live together and to me, your post seemed that you’re not concerned with where he is or what he’s doing – you’d just like to know if it looks like he’s going to work late (so you won’t wait for him to get home for dinner and can eat and workout without him) and/or give you a call when he’s getting ready to leave for the day (and perhaps ask if you need him to pick something up on his way home).

That’s normal domestic life. When you live together, you no longer come and go as you please. There is another person in your life who lives in the same house with you – and common courtesy would dictate that each of you let the other know when you are running late or your plans change.

That’s not saying you have to let someone control your life to the point that he/she knows every little thing you’re doing every second of every day.

Would expecting both of you to leave a note for each other if you go out and your spouse/partner isn’t home – so that when he/she DOES get home, he/she won’t have to worry about your unexpected absence.

Try explaining it to him that way and see if you get through to him.

Oh and another commenter mentioned, maybe the fiance can’t be on the phone at work. That’s the case with my boyfriend too. If he’s on a job by himself he can text/call me whenever. But if he’s working with his boss or other guys, he’s much more restricted. He can’t be on his phone a lot. So you have to take that into account too.

Thank you everyone for the feedback. I apologize for the delay in my response. After thinking it over and reading all the posts in this thread, I think it is a little of most everything mentioned.

I can see how my post came off clingy to some people. I do want my fiance to contact me when he is able and wants to say hi. I don’t want it to come off as some obligation to have him say hi just to say he did so. I think I came off wrong in my approach a bit.

Liz Lemon: I definitely agree with what you said about most men being singularly focused and I do notice that a lot with my fiance. He gets very focused when he is doing work at home and even puts his headphones on to stay on task sometimes. He has told me he is the same at work.

Like K and others mentioned, a lot of times I am just looking for an estimated time of arrival or an update on when he is coming home. He is a good cook and likes to cook a lot of the time ( I am lucky, I know), but sometimes I like to surprise him and get something ready or just want to see if he feels like cooking/would rather pick something up to bring home if it has been a long day or he is arriving later that night.

It was helpful hearing from others of you that have significant others in similar jobs. To be clear, my fiance is similar. He typically contacts more as he is able. He communicates that he misses me or sometimes sends a cute gif via text that says I love you or have a good day. I appreciate those as much as a phone call.Unlike some guys, my man has said he prefers to call rather than text a lot of times. I am happy with either mode of communication.

Dyanne mentioned checking in with him by sending a text..I’m happy to do that. I also know I can call him if there is something urgent.

Anon made some good points and thank you for the nice compliment. Covid is having a big impact on our situation. I would normally be at school and sometimes getting home later than my guy even. Since I am working from home and it’s easier for me to take calls than my Fiance, I do tend to let him reach out first..call or text when he has time. Also like mama said, I have become more sensitive during this time. I miss seeing and interacting with my girlfriends ( I do text and check in with them, but it’s not the same as hanging out).
As I mentioned, I am a teacher and I am working on online learning for my students. In addition, I am helping my mom who is also a teacher with her online learning/classwork for her students (she is coming over most workdays and I am always busy). I hear so many people talking about how they have more time to relax and slow down during this time, but my fiance and I both agree that we haven’t been able to and it is stressful. I know this is true for others as well, but I alleviate stress by going out and doing activities on nights and weekends normally. My fiance and I love our dinner dates out, trips to the arcade, zoo, museum, the zoo, going out to the movies, sporting events etc. We enjoy our time at home, but we really miss being able to do those things.

I admit because of the workload and situation, I am burned out and it brightens my day to hear from my man. I know I can survive if he is unable to be in contact as much, but I think that I might be more sensitive at this time. I have gained some weight recently, so working out is a big priority for me, as well as a big stress reliever. It is impacted by the situation, because our apartment is small and cramped and our complex fitness center is closed…so I am mostly limited to outside workouts. I am flexible about when we go, but most times we want to go before it gets dark outside since we have been playing basketball at a nearby court. I want to clarify that I don’t get upset if he can’t make it or doesn’t feel like it..I just want to know if he isn’t available so I can get that workout time in most days. I’m trying to manage my current schedule effectively. I also need more time to clean up our apartment.

Also Liz, you were right on about the situation with your bf at work being effected when he is working with the boss or other people. My fiance had been doing most work at his job alone since covid became an issue and he had seemed to be in touch more and more relaxed. Some of the guys at his company chose not to come into work for several weeks because of family/health concerns. It turns out on the day that I wrote my original post that one of those guys came back to work and my fiance was asked to leave the job he was working on to go work with him. This particular guy is kind of a zealot about trying to work super fast, not take a lunch break etc. Since my guy has no set lunch break and this guy behaved like usual, he didn’t even get to go grab a snack until around 4:30pm that day. It was easier to understand his situation once I knew more information and my guy apologized to me for not being in touch sooner.

What Kaye mentioned about accepting your partner for who they are is relevant too. I know my guy has actually really improved his communication in our relationship as compared to his past relationships. Most of the time he does let me know when he is coming home or tries to give me some notice. As others pointed out, it isn’t too disruptive to send him a text saying I’m wanting to eat dinner or workout by a certain time or just asking if he thinks he’ll be able to work out by a certain time.

Paige, I do agree with your post as well. I think when you are in a serious relationship and live together, it is just part of domestic life. It’s important to be considerate of each other. Prior to covid, when I was running late getting home or had to stop somewhere etc I communicated that with my fiance. It isn’t about trying to control, but just showing consideration. I did talk to him about it and said I understand he is busy with his job but that I am just trying to plan my own schedule. He said he understood.

Again, I really appreciate all the feedback. I know that I am lucky to have my fiance and that normally he does pretty well to reach out, but I should not hesitate to send a short text to him regarding plans for the evening if I haven’t heard from him. I am also aware that I have been more sensitive than usual and that I just need to try and approach the situation more calmly. It does make a difference how you approach things and talk to your partner.

You sound very level headed! And your fiance sounds like a nice guy who is making an effort– you said most of the time he makes an effort to let you know when he’ll be home. I think we’re all somewhat anxious and sensitive given the current pandemic situation, so it’s good that you recognize that it’s affecting your behavior. You can approach him more rationally in that case. I’m sure you guys will work it all out.