Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Am I exaggerating
- This topic has 6 replies and was last updated 5 years, 2 months ago by
T from NY.
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alllison
I have been dating my fiance for 2 years now.
He has a 4 year old child and he lives in another state.
Therefore, he only gets to see him on the summers sometimes during holidays but not likely.
His son has been in another state since he started dating me 2 years ago. So that has been hard on him because he doesn’t fee l like he can truly be there for him as a father for everything that he should experience with him.
At first I completely understood him, he would go visit during holidays and stay with the kid in the other state even if his ex was there. I understood everything. Whenever his kid would come stay with us his attention is 100% to his kid whenever he speaks he listens to him first before me. He lets him interupt us and focuses on him always. He would sleep with us in our queen bed for 3 months since he stayed longer and i put up with it even if it was uncomfortable. Now that hes not with us and back with his mom. My bf talks to him through facetime every day, we both for 8-6 jobs and get home be there for a few hours before we go to sleep at 10 and during those 4 hours of free time he wants to have him on the facetime even if they dont talk but just to have him there because he misses him. When i try to talk if his kid interupts me i have to stop so that he can listen to him. i have talked to him about it but he says he wants to talk to him he wants to be involved as much as he can because he feels guilty that hes not there. I am afraid that when we have kids hes going to be the same and always be on the phone while his ex is in the backgroud and listening to all that all the time its uncomfortable. I ask him to put headphones on while we watch a show and he doesnt want to. I dont know if im exaggerating or if this is a real problem. How do people deal with these kinds of things. hes not a bad person he doesnt do bad things but i dont feel i have his full attention and i have to share with his child all the time. we got another bedroom for the next time he comes he can sleep in the other room and he said whenever he comes since you dont want him in our bed im going to sleep with him sometimes. and im thinking? thats wrong why should i be alone? someone help me understand?Lane
Are you a parent? If not it’s difficult for those who aren’t to understand those who are. I do however think it’s a bit much where a quick chat when the child is talkative is sufficient only because they have the attention span of a gnat at that age haha.
I wish I was more helpful but my husband who travelled a lot in the military would be gone for months and he never behaved this way so there’s something going on with him personally, such as guilt complex? I would see if there’s a better site for parents who are experiencing this and then have a proper chat about it, when you have better information to work with. The couple of men here don’t have children or have grown children so they may not be too helpful where it comes to a man’s perspective on this specific subject.
Raven
1 word = Guilt
Ss
You can tell you aren’t a parent… its his kid and his kid comes first. I get that this may be annoying but you can’t restrict his relationship with his child because you feel your needs are not being met. Maybe he can compromise and not FaceTime daily or just FaceTime for a shorter period of time but the fact is its his child and he probably isn’t going to change his relationship with him for you so you need to decide if the intensity is a deal breaker for you.
Haley
I actually disagree with some of the replies, yes it is clear that you are not a parent, but your fiance should have respect for how you feel, and be teaching his child respect and manners as well. His son will always be a priority, and he likely misses him more than you can begin to understand. The relationship between a father and son can be difficult to maintain, especially from different states. All that said, your partners son is at a critical age for learning respect and manners, and you shouldn’t be interrupted. You are as much a part of his life as his child, and you do deserve respect and attention. I understand your partners point of view here, and the bias he is likely blind to, but he is teaching his son that he takes precidence over everything else, and that is not always appropriate. Maybe talk to your fiance about boundaries, and the lack of respect the current dynamic is exhibiting. Be careful, you are discussing his child.
T from NY
I am a parent of three grown children and I agree with some of your concerns. It is absolutely fine when you’re managing divorced residences to try and keep as much connection to your children as possible — but being on Facetime for hours and hours and not allowing your relationship to have any adult alone time seems excessive and unhealthy. Not to mention having an ex hear your audio for full evenings. Of course kids come first. Of course bottom line they are most important. Of course he’s a parent first. But every parent has to learn balance. Him allowing his child to interrupt you (if it happens frequently) is missing an opportunity to teach the child other people have thoughts and feelings and to develop patience and good listening.
Where you’re inexperienced is expecting him not to sleep with his son while he’s visiting. That’s a completely natural thing to want to do and yes – you’ll have to be alone and allow him that special cuddle time he doesn’t get because the child is far away. If this is a serious relationship I agree it would be important to have healthy, kind, open communications around this issue of balance, as well as him working on his feelings of guilt. Perhaps a good couples therapist could teach you skills that would benefit you throughout the entirety of your future relationship OR help you see you may not be compatible.
It’s okay. Breathe. He loves his child. But you definitely have valid points. Best of luck.
T from NY
PS – I also agree that while I validate your concerns – you must be delicate and tread lightly and kindly around this issue as his emotions already run high around not being there physically for his son. But healthy relationships require frank and challenging communication at times.
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