Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Am I his ego boost?
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Anna.
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Anna
Hi
Sooo I have quite long history with him.
Suddenly he did 180 and said he’s not ready for a relationship.
He kept on checking in every few months but I got tired. It would always be the same thing and empty promises.
Few months ago I told him I’m done & we can give it another chance ONLY if he’s ready for a real relationship. He hasn’t replied.
Came back now & when I told him he left so we don’t have what to talk about he turned it all on me and said he hasn’t and blah blah.
Why does he keep on coming back if he doesn’t want relationship???? Is he just coming back & trying to win me over again just to get some kind of ego boost from me??
I’ve been feeling like maybe he has some feelings for me & that’s why but he’s not in a good place for a relationship but would he do that if he really cares about me or did I become that option in the background for him & ego boost?Khadija
Men will keep coming back if you allow them to do so.
It’s a very simple concept. If you are truly tired of this merry go round then kindly get off.The fact remains is he hasn’t given you the relationship you are seeking.
Move on to someone else you don’t have to question. I understand how hard it can be when you like someone and are hoping for more but, stop doing this to yourself.
Karemm
Hi Anna,
With this brief information I cannot be sure what to think about it. You know all details, we don’t.I didn’t also understand this “Came back now & when I told him ” (you told him what?)” he left so we don’t have what to talk about he turned it all on me and said he hasn’t (he hasn’t what?) and blah blah.”
Anyways, If he told you he is not ready for a relationship, BELIEVE HIM. (That is one of the things I have learned from this site).
Maybe is convenient for him to come back to you to see if you have changed your mind.
He didn’t change his because if he were he would already told you. right?
The tone of your post reflect tiredness from you. Why are you still waiting for him?
If he goes back and forth is because you allowed him to do that. If he doesn’t change and you are not happy with this situation don’t you think is time for you to change your situation then? Are you dating other people?Shelly
When a guy says they aren’t ready to be in a relationship, I don’t think they mean that they aren’t ready…they just aren’t ready to be in one with YOU.
Any time a guy starts sniffing around you again, it’s usually because he’s bored and he just wants to see if he can still get something from you without having to commit to a relationship (which he has already said he isn’t ready for).
For some reason, guys seem to think that when they say this (“I’m not ready to be in a relationship”) that they are now free to use you and do what they want with you. Like that gives them some kind of permission to do that. From now on, when a guy tells me that I am going to run the other way. I aint got time for that!
Anna
Khadija- I haven’t replied to his last message. Trying to stay strong. I just wanted to know if there was some deeper meaning in it? Or if it’s my fantasy now. It is very hard & but starts to feel like he’s ignoring how much he’s hurting me every time & doing what’s convenient for him. Maybe I just wanted to believe in his good intentions :(
Karemm-
Ah sorry
Meant “then I told him” & said he didn’t leave and that he wants to be with me & that I left
Feels like he wants me & doesn’t want me on HIS terms :/ that’s what I’m starting to see at least?? I just feel like I’m having hard time deciding here what’s real & what’s not
I have tried dating other people but I quickly get turned off them. I am feeling tired. It just feels like it’s all catching up now, after all this time.Anna
Shelly-
It’s just that we were in a relationship. He just suddenly changed his mind. Out of nowhere. Everything was good & he claimed how he’s never been happier & loves me. Talked about our amazing future together. Few weeks after he ghosted. Then when I messaged after some time said he’s not ready.
I think you may be right :/
Maybe I was looking for a meaning where there wasn’t one (also looking back at our relationship).Shelly
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I keep hearing over and over “everything was going wonderfully and he told me he is happy and that he loves me…and then POOF, he just vanishes (and/or abruptly changes his mind)”
It’s not fair, but it happens so much and has happened to me more times than I can count. All I can say is that I feel for you, and I wish I knew how they can go from such strong feelings to feeling nothing at all in such a short period of time.
Anna
Shelly- yeah I wonder how they can change their mind so fast. Even more since they were so happy & in love. Maybe he just never was emotionally unavailable? Or commitment phobic? So when it started to become too real/serious he made a run for it? Or maybe he just never cared. I think what bothers me most is i’ll never know what really happened. But thank you Shelly & sorry something similar happened to you.
Karemm
Hi Anna
the unhealthy and incessant waiting makes you put your life on hold just expecting him to react , to say something!! augghh!For how long you have been dating this man? Did you ask him what made him change suddenly about what -he said- he felt?
Anna
Karemm- I know it’s not healthy. I was dating others but maybe somewhere on the inside I kept on hoping he’ll change his mind and come back?
We have been in relationship for 7.5 months & are broken up for year & 3 months now. I did ask what happened. He said he doesn’t want to be tied down & yet relationship was HIS idea & he was the one talking about wanting marriage and kids at some point soon. When I said this reason doesn’t make sense, he gave me every excuse under the sun.Shelly
Saying that he doesn’t want to be tied down tells you everything you need to know. Believe him when he says this and do everything you can to move on. Please don’t put your life on hold waiting for him to come back around. Start living your life, doing things that you love, to get back to your normal, happy, adorable self. That will, in turn, attract the man that is worthy of you :-)
kaye
Anna,
He told you he didn’t want to be tied down and then when you said that didn’t make sense he gave you “every excuse under the sun.” So he obviously is showing no interest in being in a relationship with you. So he’s either coming back for an ego boost, such as he just broke up with someone who told him he’s a jerk so he’s coming back to you to say, look she’s my ex and she still talks to me and wants me back so I can’t be such a jerk right?!? Or because whenever he gets lonely or bored he wants to know that you’re still an option or fallback for him.
You want him back and it’s been a year and 3 months and you’re still broken up. He KNOWS you would take him back because you said you would give it another chance if he’s ready for a new relationship. So the reason you are still apart is because he is choosing EVERY SINGLE DAY to keep it that way. Do you see what I mean? He isn’t making any move to change things so you need to focus on moving on and getting over him.
Anna
Shelly- it’s just that this reason feels like the biggest lie ever. But who knows maybe he did wake up one day & realise he actually doesn’t want to be tied down. I was sure I was completely over him & now he texts and it’s like it all suddenly came back AGAIN. I’ve cried today. I haven’t cried about him since some time after our break up. Maybe that means that my hope of us working out faded? I wonder if he even realises how much he hurts me or if he even cares. It’s like he suddenly rememembers & I’m cold & after a bit start to come around & he’s gone.
But I do know I have to get my life back in order & forget him now. I’ve made plans with my friends for the next few days & signed up for gym so my afternoon/evenings will be busy :)Anna
Kaye-
Your explanation does make sense. I just deleted his text & number so I won’t be tempted to text him back. The time he texted few months ago and never replied later I felt like I did let go. I haven’t been thinking about him & was fine. It’s like he knows when to text. My emotions are now all over the place coz of his text today.
But your explanation helped me realise it’s not love for him & there’s no point ever giving it another though for him & me. Feels painful but maybe that means I’m finally letting go instead of pushing it back?
Thanks Kaye for your great explanation & saw things from different perspective!kaye
I would say you’re welcome Anna but I know it’s not easy to hear when you want to think that he keeps coming back because he loves you and can’t stop thinking about you.
They like to keep coming back and touching base and seeing if they have the power to get our emotions all worked up over them again. It sounds like you were doing good before you heard from him again. I hope you can finally let go and find the man our there who truly deserves you and loves you!! Good Luck!!
Shelly
Good for you Anna, and good luck! Always remember that any time he DOES get back in touch with you, it’s not because he has finally realized that he loves you and he is ready for a serious relationship with you. Likely it’s because he’s bored or he needs an ego-boost. And if you stop responding to him, he will soon stop because he will realize that you aren’t gonna fall for that anymore.
Anna
Kaye- it’s not easy to hear. I wonder why it took me so long to even question his reasons?? Yeah I was doing well. Maybe I can just cry today & tomorrow make a completely fresh start. If I was doing good for few months without him then I can do it again now. Thank you for your kind words & support!
Shelly- yeah I’m glad I finally understood that! At least now without the hope for him loving me I can properly forget about him. I just thought he was too kind & caring to be able to do that so it must of been love. But it wasn’t. I’m just going to try & look forward to the future & believe there’s amazing man out there who will love me & will want to be with me. Thank you for all your advice and support Shelly, it really helped!
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